Would I see my first grandchild if my son won't?

What a horrible situation for you. I hate to sound cynical but I'd advise being on hand to help with baby BUT don't help financially. That responsibility lies with your son, not you and you may find yourself being taken for a ride.
It was foolish of him not to use contraception but what's done is done.

Hello Idris, your post resonates so strongly with me as I was a in a very similar situation just over 3 1/2 years ago. My
DS 's girlfriend of 4 months got pregnant. My son was desperate to persuade her to have an abortion As he was too young to be a dad and his dad ( my ex even offered to pay if necessary which made her want to keep the baby even more!) At the same time my DD was also pregnant but in a stable relationship and I found it impossible to differentiate my feelings as to me both babies would be my grandchildren. It was an awful time and I told my son that he didn't have to have anything to do with the baby if he didn't want to ( he doesn't respond well to pressure of any sort.) however I told him that to wait and see and that I would be involved not just financially as I just couldn't imagine having a grandchild I didn't have any contact with. So I went to her house and met her and her mum and it was difficult but I explained what I would like to do if that was OK. To cut a long story short my DS didn't have any contact with me (he was angry) or the girl for about 6 months . I will never forget him arriving at the Indian restaurant where I was eating, shoving his crash helmet on the table and telling me all about the birth of his son! He was there! 3 years on it is still a bit rocky at times but my DGS is so beautiful looks like his dad and comes to stay lots . I will never regret what I did you just have to hold on in there and watch and wait, you never know what will happen. There will probably be difficult times ahead too but it will be worth it.

It might be better to buy things for the baby rather than hand over cash and maybe set up a bank account in the baby's name for its future. I hope the girl is friendly towards you as that will make it easier to be involved.

My son's wife had a child 6 years before she met him. The father turned out to be useless and HIS parents disowned him. Happily, they had, and continue to have, a relationship with their granddaughter. She now has 3 sets of grandparents and two siblings. Her father has never been in contact with her and she is now twelve

This is a sad situation Idris for you all and I wish you well. I have seen this scenario, particularly the effect of weed addiction and the ex girlfriend's accidental pregnancy. I don't blame anyone, knowing all too well how these things happen.

I fear though that you just have to wait and see. Babies change situations for better or worse. Money will matter and may lead to willingness to confirm paternity. The new boyfriend may well not last once the baby is in the picture. Your son and the girl may have a change of heart if so.

If it was me in your position I would want to be an involved gran and keeping on good terms with the girl is perhaps all you can do at this stage. I wish there was an easy way to get your son off the pot but I know how impossible that is if they don't want to be helped.

With every good wish ?

I have no sympathy for that girl, woman, if she is having sex. My own son in similar position at ninteen. She got pregnant, lost baby at seven weeks, and then proceeded to get pregnant again two months later! He tried very hard to make the relationship work and loves his daughter, now nearly two, but X is a nut job and it's impossible to deal with her. Now, we don't get to see the baby; it's a disgrace! Don't part with any money; she will use you. I am talking from experience.

The fact that her mom had her young means nothing. She will show her more compassion and understand her alot more as she has been where she is. She wont judge her or look down on her. Especially if she was a single mom too. She will understand the struggle her daugher is about to endure on her own while the 'dad' is having a 'difficult time.'

You have no right asking for a DNA test if your son wants nothing to do with the baby. You know absolutely nothing about the girl, her family or her upbringing and the fact you are judging her is really horrible especially when your son is acting the way he is. She has had to put her big girl pants on and get on with it.

What a heartbreaking situation. Whether you choose to or able to financially support the child is entirely up to you and your personal circumstances. If however you really believe the child is your son's child then the child is your grandchild and played no role in the tangles of its conception and birth. In the midst of all this is a vulnerable little child who will need all the love and support he or she can get to grow up in this world. Regardless of all the rights and wrongs in this complex situation there is a child who needs you to be on his/her side in whatever way you can be.

I think this girl is getting an unfair reputation by some posters here
I didn't read that this girl was unfaithful to the op son.
The situation is not ideal for any of you. It doesn't mean it is hopeless. Your son may need a kick up the backside to sort himself out.. that still may not make him the father the child needs if his heart isn't in it.
If you want a relationship with the child please make this known. Offering support and caring might be just what this girl needs. It may pave the way for a wonderful relationship between the two of you and forge a strong bond with your grandchild with or without your son. It can work like that, it has done for a friend of mine whose son has shown zero interest in his son but she has a fantastic relationship as this little boys nana.
Good luck ?

Norose, I was very interested in your comment that grandparents now have some rights of access but it’s news to me – maybe you know something I don’t! I run a support group for non-contact grandparents in Worcestershire, and as far as I am aware, grandparents still have no legal rights of contact with grandchildren whatsoever. Often the paternal grandparents are the ones who suffer most, as the mother can deny contact to the father, and the grandparents are vulnerable to all kinds of bullying and blackmail. Unfortunately there is NO national organisation representing us, Grandparents Plus in recent years having changed their emphasis to supporting grandparents who are having to bring up their grandchildren. However, there are a number of local groups, notably Jane Jackson’s Bristol Grandparents Support group, who have a website which includes details of what’s available in your area, and Jimmy Deuchars’ Grandparents Apart group in Scotland. Hopefully there will be an national online petition on this subject within the next few months – watch this space.

My friend had a similar situation, her son was on drugs and out of work, suicidal at times, she was in a state herself with worry. The girl friend said she was pregnant and the baby was his. He wanted nothing to do with it, then came round and began to look forward to the birth, with his mother's support. The baby was born, and girl friend then admitted it might not be his. A paternity test revealed it wasn't. It broke both of them. I too would plead for a paternity test before you commit yourselves to years of anguish worrying about a baby that may have no blood ties to you.

You seem to have a good relationship with the girl and it seems that having this conversation with her is the best start. Try to keep in fairly regular friendly contact with her and make her aware that you want to be a grandmother. She will need guidance and as long as it can be done in the right way you may be the best person to give it. I think if you talk positively about the birth and say that you are looking forward to getting to know the child it might make her look at the situation positively. So much depends on the personalities involved.
I don't think that you should pay out too much without getting an agreement of some kind about access even if it is informal. Generally it is wrong to tie access and financial support together but when you have no legal obligation to give financially and it may be better for the child if you keep in contact with it, the ends may justify the means.
Grandparents do have legal rights to contact with grandchildren although they can be expensive to enforce and relying on legality is not the best way to foster good relations.
You also have to think about whether it is better for your son for you to effectively meet his responsibilities. It is one of those questions that doesn't really have a right or wrong answer, you just have to do what you think is best for everyone.

It takes 2 to tango so both parties have to take the blame for their actions and step up to the mark. It is up to the mother of the baby who she lets see the baby in the first instance although your son could go to court to ask for access if he wants to build a relationship with his child. As for you having access, can you build a relationship with the mother before she has the baby without judging her for her previous actions? As a person who had 3 fathers (none of whom kept in touch after they'd left) and many uncles before the age of 8, I can assure you that the scars from that don't equip you to have settled relationships without a lot of help. After many chaotic relationships it took my current husband of 24 years to help me through the hurdles of going from all consuming love/lust to a proper, adult relationship. Hopefully, this girl may have found that someone but somehow I doubt it. It would have greatly helped me to have a stable person in my life to gently counsel me, without judgement, with the effects of my behaviour/relationships on my child. Maybe in the long run you could be the stable influence she never had and that could be a great help for the child.

What a sad and sorry situation for you all - and what a decent woman you must be to want to support this baby. I almost hesitate to say this but would it be a good idea, as has already been suggested, to have a DNA test? Given the girl's past history, can your son be sure he is the father and that it isn't the new man in her life? I do hope this heart wrenching situation works out to a reasonable state for you all.

I can't understand how Idriss 77 a grandmother full of so many good intentions towards her forthcoming grandchild especially offering financial assistance could be seen as "intervening", and has to wait and see if a new boyfriend will be alright with her on the scene as he might be upset. Why would that be a reason for a child not to know it's grandmother who just want to help the situation.

I assume this child is not born yet. There is no alternative to getting a paternity test ASAP when the child is born before parting with any money.

Your son has "now thrown himself into his pot habit and lost his job" That phrase suggests to me he already has substance abuse issues.
From what you have said about this girl you could be walking into a lot more heartache.
I suspect that if the child turns out to be your sons, the situation will get more complicated. If the childs mother decides she wants the child the mother would probably get the first look in.

Having briefly heard the history you could be in for a lot of stress over contact etc. All I can say is these situations can be decidedly complicated .
Good Luck

What is it with young people and their inability to use some form of contraception ? I'm 73 , when I was 19 there was only the diaphragm or condoms. Neither available to young unmarried women and lots of young inexperienced men were too embarrassed to get the latter . The pill wasn't widely available then, I didn't go on the pill until I was 22. If you got pregnant you usually gave your baby up for adoption . Unwed mothers had a difficult time of it. Abortions or morning after pills weren't available , the former only if the mother's health was in danger . Of course there were back street abortions but very dangerous . So all that is available to young people and they get pregnant in droves. Laziness, stupidity, ignorant of the facts , simply don't care. All the above I think. Meanwhile the public get to pay out of their taxes.

I feel for you having been in a similar situation 18 years ago. My son had a short relationship with the girl, they'd split up by the time she was 4 months pregnant. We were supportive of them and saw our grandson at least once a month. When the boy was 2, my son moved for work and she became angry and refused him access. He hasn't seen his son since. It was made extremely difficult for us to have any access but we persisted until he was 6 when contact was stopped because there was a new man on the scene and because, having retired, money was tight and we were unable to be quite so generous financially. Looking back I can see that we were taken advantage of big time. Grandson is now 18 and will hopefully decide to contact his family of his own accord.
I wish you all good luck and hope you have a much better experience than we did.

Hi Idris 77 - ever watch Long Lost Families and see how in later life people who have been separated for one reason or another from their biological parents/siblings want to connect? This seems to be an increasing wish and it always helps if the adult child learns the circumstances and that they prevented the mum/dad from keeping in touch. If you back away at this stage you risk losing the respect of your unborn GC - the least you can do is to acknowledge that little baby when it arrives, and be there to provide whatever support you can. I don't advise giving money for the reasons offered by other contributors, but you can be prepared to babysit, buy baby toiletries, give the mum moral support. She obviously has no role model to follow and has been socialised into a world where children don't expect to have stability in their 'dad' situation. Indeed, the current boyfriend may also no last for long. You have some difficult circumstances to deal with, it sounds as though your son is not helpless - he has chosen to smoke pot and he can just as easily choose not to do so - it's not as though he's a heroine addict - so for the moment I would leave him be and concentrate on the mess he has left - if the child is your biological GC and you may easily tell that after its birth then your relationship with it is not conditional upon your relationship with your son. I wouldn't ask the mum to take a DNA test during the pregnancy - I think that will only get her back up, so let her know you firmly believe this unborn child is your GC. Offer support in that light.

I'm with Trisher. Good luck.

Idriss77 Any child born from a relationship your son has with a woman will be your grandchild.
It will be up to the mother of your sons child, in view of the circumstances, whether she wants you to be part of the child's life. Keep in touch with her if that is what she wants regardless of what your son says however be very wary should any financial help be mentioned. Child support is a fathers responsibility

I have not been on here very long. I'm a 50 year old nanna with number 8 GC on the way . If you want my HO. You can help your grandchild in the way of nappys or clothing . Not money. It seems harsh but at least we know they have the essentials then. Before any responsibility is taken by your son, a DNA test is a must. Hope it all pans out for you xx

As the baby is due in a few months, does this mean she has been with the new boyfriend for a few months? You will have to see how this relationship works out and whose name as father is on the birth certificate if any. If it is working well sad to say it would be better to leave well alone and let them parent the child.

If she splits with the new boyfriends she may come back to your son especially as you have offered support. You don't want to push your son into a relationship with someone who doesn't seem to have his best interest at heart because you are offering support. It is up to your son and her to look after their child.

If she claims benifits naming your son as the father then would be a good time to ask for a DNA test and this is done frquently.

Stand back, see what happens.

If you are sure this is your grandchild offer help when needed even if your son is not involved.

I agree with what everyone is saying seeing both sides but your offering monetary support could influence what happens and you could be accused of interfering in the future,

If you do decide to support your grandchild financially, I would suggest you do so in the form of buying things directly for the baby's needs otherwise it may be spend on drugs! Never give cash.

Similar situation in my extended family over twenty years ago. My cousin said at the time that he couldn't have a grand child out there and not take responsibility so he supported the child in various ways, his son (the child's father )dipping in and out, but better as he got older. Twenty years later she (the child) is very much one of the family and lived with her grandparents for a while when she was at Uni.