Would I see my first grandchild if my son won't?

It might be a good idea to start contact with the young lady now . She needs to feel that you are concerned and caring about her during her pregnancy and the birth, otherwise she will feel that you are just after the baby. The path to your grandchild is always going to be through the mother. Start now with perhaps a few cards posted to her. Send flowers through the post. These actions are the initial steps. Make her the focus of your attention and the relationship will then be in place before the birth and you cannot be accused of just having interest in the baby and not bothering with her. Above all treat her with respect even though you may feel it is not due. Treat as you would any welcome daughter in law. Your son has to make his own decisions about his relationship with her and the baby and you make yours separately . Obviously support your son but he is unfair to you if he thinks you will sacrifice a grandchild just because he has opted out. You may be the bridge that he will be grateful for if he wants to see the child in the future.

Womble54 sorry for delay just read your post, you do have to go through the courts to prove you have the child's best interest at heart etc but can then be granted access / visiting rights etc .

What I find worrying is the fact that abortion is now considered an acceptably form of birth control, but I'm just old and I must expect life to move on.

It might not be.
It might of been for medical reasons.
She might of been pressured or felt pressured by her ex boyfriends and got the abortion.
Only this time round, shes not going to be pressured and has decided to keep the baby.
Or, they never happened in the first place.

Its such a complex situation, no one knows the truth, so to judge the girl on what the OP knowz from her son, is rubbish.

illtellhim women have always used abortion. The difference is that if you were poor you had a back-street abortion with all its risks to the woman's life. Rich women just went into private clinics and paid. Ask nurses about the cases they saw in hospitals of girls who had botched abortions and be grateful that women now have equal and safe access to abortion services.

For clarity, I know my sons ex has had two terminations in the past because she talked about them, and also her fraught relationship with her mother, her anxiety issues, and her difficulties with drink and cannabis. We did get on well.

When she announced her pregnancy, to my sons horror I didn't jump to support his position and insist she have an abortion. I instead advised her to think very carefully about about the hard practicalities of being a single Mum with poor family support, lack of housing, no employment, no savings, £5k debt (rent arrears), and how she would manage.

I felt genuinely sorry for her, and when I drove her home later I said that regardless of my sons involvement in the future, she would have my support either way. He blames me for not persuading her to terminate it!!

I plan to set up a savings account for the baby to access when he is 18, and was thinking of Mothercare/Tesco vouchers rather than cash each month. And I anticipate a DNA test will occur one way or another in the future.

I haven't heard from her since although my son has spoken to her a few times. He has told me not to contact her.

Last night I sent her a text saying I was delighted to hear from him that she is having a boy, that I would knit him something lovely, and not to hesitate to contact me if she needed anything. She didn't respond.

Ive also told my son that he has a month to get over his three year cannabis habit and get a job, or he will have to move out. Ive offered to send him for counselling (declined), so have made it clear that if he's not willing to grow up and make positive changes, then its time for some tough love.

Sounds to me you are doing all the right things Idris.

Idris. You sound awesome.

'I felt genuinely sorry for her, and when I drove her home later I said that regardless of my sons involvement in the future, she would have my support either way. He blames me for not persuading her to terminate it!! '

If you got on well before the pregnancy that is a huge plus. She knows how you feel and that you are willing to help support her. She might feel abit weird that your son wants nothing to do with the baby but the nan does? Its a unique relationship, id give it time.

It does sound like your doing all the right things. Good luck, you sound like you'd be a lovley nan.

I think when things aren't clear and are so deeply important always risk erring on the positive side. I feel for the girl because I am female and so are you and we must stick together plus if you help her, financially as it seems that is what she will need most, then the chances of you having a relationship with the baby is good. What goes round comes round. Your heart is in a good place stick with it. Play it by ear, things will change. Good luck and big hug

Bit of a mess Idris77 and I only say that as a baby is involved.

The good news is that you got on with her and so a good relationship can follow.

Maybe communicate with her about how you would like to be a part of the baby's life and if that sits ok with her.

Hopefully she agrees. Other than that your son can go for visiting rights.

At least you have a lovely grandchild to look forward to and going by your caring post, that baby is going to be lucky to have such a caring grandparent

I agree with the idea of "erring on the positive side." You have a beautiful attitude, Idris, and I agree, also, that this baby will be lucky to have you. Even if it turns out, eventually, that he isn't your bio gc, every child deserves to be loved and welcomed, imo, by as many hearts as possible.

Have you told ds that you plan to help out financially? At 19, I can see where the idea of having to support this child may be very scary to him. He was ridiculous to expect you to convince exgf to terminate. But that reaction may have come out of fear. He's obviously torn and confused over how much he wants to be in this baby's life and whether xgf and new bf will let him. While it's wonderful that you're ready to be there for exgf and gs, imo, ds needs some emotional support, as well.

Does ds know that you contacted exgf after he asked you not to? If so, he may feel hurt and disrespected, but I don't blame you for contacting her since that is very likely your gs that she's carrying.

Or is it possible that she asked him to tell you not to contact her? Maybe right now she's too busy figuring everything out with ds and her new bf to have to think about if/how she will fit anyone else into baby's life? Sorry to say, but the fact that she's not responding tells me she doesn't want contact with you right now, whether that request came from her or not.

Again, I'm glad you texted her to let her know you would knit something for baby and, especially, that she can contact you, etc. Very wise, imo, to leave the door open. Chances are, she will turn to you in time.

But now I hope you back off until she reaches out to you (if she does) or until baby is born. You're "leaving the light on" and I'm sure she appreciates it. Now please give her the space she so clearly would like. I'm sure she'll appreciate that, too.

Here's hoping all works out for the best!

I'm glad you didn't ask her for a DNA test. That's between her and ds. However, to be realistic, since she moved on with a new bf so quickly, a DNA test seems very much in order. I hope ds decides to get one.

I'm NOT suggesting you advise him to do so. He's likely to repeat that to exgf, and then she may get angry at you. I'm glad to see you're not touching that issue. It's something he'll have to come up with on his own.

But DNA tests are expensive aren't they? If he brings it up, will/can you offer to pay for it? As I said, he needs to know you're there for him, too.

Also, if he ends up being a "part time dad," will you help him out with childcare, etc? If you will, have you let him know this? I don't mean do it all for him while he goes running around with friends and smoking cannabis. I just mean "help out" and maybe babysit one evening if he has gs for a weekend, etc. The idea of having to parent a child may be very frightening to him right now - just as much as having to help support him. Here again, he may need to know you're in his corner. I DON'T mean that you should push him to be involved with this child, and I don't get the impression that you're doing that. I'm just talking about IF he ends up being part of gs' live.