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To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

(183 Posts)
NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:00:50

My daughter has been a single parent since her H left eight years ago (following his affair). She has done really well bringing up three youngsters who are now 22, 19 and 16 as well as working and studying in a professional job. Five years ago she began a relationship with a nice man (her only one since the divorce) and has enjoyed his company, going on holiday and staying at his house whilst I've looked after the children. She's now decided that she'd like her boyfriend to move in to her house with her and the children. However her eldest DS (22) won't have anything to do with the partner, will not even speak to him and has been like this for the whole five years. He seems to think his mother should not have another relationship ever. He says he will move out if her partner moves in. I'm so angry my daughter will do this and cause a rift in the family. I don't know what to say to her.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:43:21

It's difficult I suppose because we've supported D and GCs so much and we are all very close. I don't want anything to change that causes unhappiness. I do want my daughter to be happy though.

Serkeen Thu 24-Aug-17 18:43:55

NannyOne The boy is 22 he will be gone soon, can't your daughter wait.

IMHO in these instances the children/Young Adult's in their own home, should come first, having her boyfriend move in would mean her son would have to move out, that can not be right.

The fact that he does not like him and has had to put up with him for the past four years is enough.

I appreciate it must have gotten lonely for your daughter and she deserves a massive pat on the back for doing so well but her sons needs should come first.

Why does he need to move in right now, I am sure they can wait.

I am positive not a lot of people will agree with me but it is my opinion smile

Iam64 Thu 24-Aug-17 18:44:56

Older children usually come round. If your grandson is angry and feeling rejected by his father, that may in part explain his anger towards his mother. I doesn't excuse or make it acceptable though. He's 22, not a child an old enough to live independently and still have a good relationship with his mum who has stood by him. It sounds as though the only objection is that mum has a long term partner who is going to move in, rather than mum has met a dodgy chap a week ago and he's moving in.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:45:12

DGS does have a girlfriend and my daughter is happy that she stays over with him. I wish I could understand why he has this reaction to his mother having another relationship.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 18:47:12

My daughter doesn't want son to move out, it would be his choice to do so. I think she will be upset if he feels he has to leave.

Ilovecheese Thu 24-Aug-17 18:47:21

Change is difficult, I know, but your heart is in the right place if you want your daughter to be happy. Change can be for the better as well as the worse. Try not to be angry with her for wanting something so normal as a proper partnership.
If you show you are supporting her, your grandson is more likely to come round to the idea.
Remember he is 22 not 16.

Bibbity Thu 24-Aug-17 18:49:46

She has put her CHILDREN first and now that she has 'finished' parenting them she is free to begin living her life.
If some wimpy 22 year old special snowflake doesn't like it then he can grow up and stand on his own two feet and have his own house where he pays his own bills and he can decide who lives there.

Until then I'd hand him a grip and tell him to stop being such a petulant brat and start being civil.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 18:54:57

He lives at home, probably doesn't pay rent, can have his girlfriend to stay when he likes, can dictate who is in the house, he's never going to move out. How much longer should she wait?

BlueBelle Thu 24-Aug-17 19:05:09

I ve got the perfect solution grandson (22) can come and live with grandma then everyone is happy You two can grumble together about his mums awful decision to try and find some happiness

You're both being selfish

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 19:27:23

It's been helpful to hear other people's views.

Cherrytree59 Thu 24-Aug-17 19:29:06

If you don't mind me asking Nannyone what issue/issues does your grandson have with your Daughters boyfriend?
Is he trying to protect your DD or/& siblings?
Or is it that he is a present the
'Man of the house'?

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 19:43:51

He can't give any reason apart from his mum shouldn't have another relationship because she's been married. He has never had anything to do with D's partner so the objections can't be personal to him really.

Jalima1108 Thu 24-Aug-17 19:49:45

He's 22 - time to think about leaving home anyway.

He will fly the nest and so will the others and your DD will be left sad and lonely if DS1 has his way.

Jalima1108 Thu 24-Aug-17 19:50:37

Bibbity grin

special snowflake

Jalima1108 Thu 24-Aug-17 19:51:29

Why are you looking after the children Nannyone?

They are quite old enough to look after themselves.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 19:52:16

So he wants her to be alone for the rest of her life, never to have someone to live with (other than himself). To be free to go and make a relationship of his own in the knowledge that she is waiting there for him when he returns. It's not this particular man. It applies to any man. Surely you can see how unreasonable ( and slightly weird) this is?

petra Thu 24-Aug-17 20:07:06

I'd be packing his bags.

Jalima1108 Thu 24-Aug-17 20:12:53

In answer to the OP, yes YABU
and so is snowflake DGS

Baggs Thu 24-Aug-17 20:15:34

Has your precious grandson told his mother of his intention to move out if her man friend moves in, or only you? If I were his mum I'd be giving him a piece of my mind about minding his own bloody business.

It's none of your business either, nannyone.

maryeliza54 Thu 24-Aug-17 20:30:48

Well I agree with Petra if I were the DD I'd have packed his bags by now. You say he's been against this man for the whole 5 years? Time to grow up young man - the world doesn't revolve around you. And you should be supporting your DD not your spoilt self centred dgs- he sounds a right charmer who thinks he has every right to dictate how others should live their lives with no concern for their happiness - he'd move out tomorrow no doubt if it suited him.

Norah Thu 24-Aug-17 20:33:42

Is there a reaon she can't wait until the 16 year old moves out? Why put anyone above all 3 children?

Bibbity Thu 24-Aug-17 20:35:27

So he's just a twat then.

What a selfish prat he is. I've actually got rage for this poor woman. I hope she slings him out on his ear and has multiple fantastic couples holidays with new man and walks around the house naked together!

Primrose65 Thu 24-Aug-17 20:41:19

Bibbity grin I couldn't agree more.

8 years as a single mum of 3 teenagers working a professional job. She deserves a really nice holiday imo.

NannyOne Thu 24-Aug-17 20:42:17

My daughter told me. She'd discussed it with him and he told her he would move out. She was upset.

Eglantine19 Thu 24-Aug-17 20:49:54

I don't see it as putting anyone above anyone Norah. The other children might be happy for their mum -as anyone would be for someone they love. The OPs grandson has been uncaring about his mother and her happiness from the start. Now he's escalated his demands for control. Where will in end? And the OP wants her daughter to give in rather than endure his tantrums. If everyone bows down to him there'll be another demand and another. The daughter needs to make a stand and the OP should support her and stop making her selfish worries about not seeing as much of her grandson to one side.
I don't usually rant like this but I realise how lucky I was that my children (and parents) thought my happiness in finding someone to love just added to theirs.