To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

How very old fashioned some of these views are!
This is not a fly by night new boyfriend your daughter met last weekend! It's an established relationship of 5 years!! Of course she has EVERY right to happiness & if that means her man moving in then he should! Her 22 year old manboy needs to grow the hell up & damn well move out if he's throwing his toys out of the pram! He's been at uni for 3 years fgs.... he doesn't get to dictate what his mum does with the rest of her life just because 'she's been married before ' & I'm sad that you feel the need to reinforce this negative behaviour op.

You would be happy with her carrying on just seeing partner her at weekends, but they are ready to take it to another level, I don't feel you have any right in voicing your opinions, I think if you do,that could cause a bigger family rift than the one you are trying to prevent. She has brought the children up to the time when they are all ready to start venturing into the wide world now it's her turn, I think you should be happy for her and encourage GS to do the same.Its your daughter after all.

Not your daughter who is causing the rift. She has been in a relationship for five years so her partner appears to be perfectly fine. Her son is a man of 22 so needs to stand on his own two feet anyway. He appears to be selfish and jealous and if he says he is going, let him.

Grandson is being extremely childish and selfish, he should grow up at his age and want his Mum to be loved and happy, she so deserves that. I think you are being a little harsh on your daughter, she never abandoned those kids as the father did, she has bought them up well you say, has clearly put her life on hold by always putting the kids 1st and now it's her time. As long as she secures the kids financial future with the home etc she should now start to live her own life, life is far too short to deny herself some happiness.

Actually, I said she should wait until all her children have left home. I was and have been referencing the 16 year old. Why not wait? Really, stay as is and wait?

Norah sorry to seem harsh but youre on the same cloud as nannyone ....who is this 'youngster' you are talking about ....oh a 22 year old grown man who should know better and although it might sound rude Nannyone should not be colluding with her spoilt grandson They are both very wrong and the vast majority of posters on here are telling Nannyone just that
flutter that's what I told Nannyone at the beginning she should take her grandson to live with her and she can cosset and look after him to her hearts content
No mention of the other children not being happy about it just this man/child

This is your daughters decision! I think your grandson, at 22 years old, needs to grow up and look at things from others perspective a bit more. If he chooses yo move out its his choice, not his mothers!! She us not throwing him out, just moving her lovely successful relationship to the next level. I am not sure why you think his behaviour (at aged 22) is your daughters fault, really!

Could your grandson come and live with you?

I suppose adult son could button his lip about what he wants for a few years? The clue is in the word 'adult'

paddyann, I don't think GS has considered that his mum might be conned, he's refused to engage with him at all. OP has said that GS simply doesn't think his mother should have a relationship. It seems to me a case of coercive control on the part of GS and it needs addressing.

Hope she doesn't give him up for the sake of her son, she deserves some happiness xx

I don't think siding with GS is the term I would use. I think she would be wise to wait until the youngest was out of house. I don't understand why DD and SO can not just continue on as it is for a few more years?

NannyOne.....

Your daughter is an adult and can make decisions about her own life without unsolicited interference. She also has the right to be happy! After five years, it's very likely that her relationship with this individual is on solid ground.

So, if she's now decided that her partner should move in with her, everyone else needs to step aside.

Your GS has no right to interfere and neither do you. It's her house, her rules and she's the one in charge...no one else!

I don't want to be harsh or insensitive, but if you really want to help, advise your 22 year old GS to be less possessive with mom and to be more supportive instead. For his own sake and emotional well being, he shouldn't be living at home any more either. Encourage him to take charge of his own life and to be more independent, because that's what a real adult does.

I hope it all works out.

NannyOne you asked "Am I being unreasonable to think my daughter shouldn't do this?"

If you read through all the replies (>100 so far) you will see that the answer from >100 Gnetters is "Yes - you are being unreasonable" Only one or two posters think you should side with your GS.

Unless there is some important fact you haven't disclosed, it looks as if you should heed the advice.

It is never nice to have arguments in a family but nearly all of us seem to think that if you have to take sides you should support your DD.

I wish there was a "like" button on here. So many good posts - and Jalima - love it!

I just typed a long post and lost it (perhaps just as well!).

In a nutshell - she was abandoned eight years ago, has done a sterling job studying, working and bringing up her three children. She has had a steady relationship with a nice man for five years, not rushing to move him into the house and now her son and you are angry about it.

I don't know what to say to her.
It's not up to any of us to tell you what to say but what I think you should say to her is 'Be happy with your lovely man, you deserve it'.
If son kicks up a fuss he can come and live with you.

About time too, I hope your daughter will be very happy with her new man in the house. It makes sense for the family to stay where they are and not uproot to a stranger's home. Your daughter is obviously sensible enough to secure her financial interests so that if it does not work out she will lose nothing - hopefully the friend will not burn his boats either until they can see how it goes.
Unfortunately they will start at a disadvantage due to elder sons attitude, and yes, it may be a bit strange for the daughter to have a man atound - she may not feel that she can relax in the same way in front of him, at least at first, but how long does your daughter have to wait before putting herself first?

How selfish you and your GS are. Mum has the right to have her own life now. Adult children will always resent change in their childhood home but this is your chance to help pave the way for a nicer future for your D instead of thinking if it will rock your boat.

My uncle was widowed with two small children, for many years he didn't have another relationship then started seeing a lady he had worked with for years. His daughter refused to have anything to do with her and made quite a scene about it so my uncle discussed things with his girlfriend and she suggested that they went back to just being friends until my cousin was older and more able to deal with him having another relationship. Sadly, by the time my cousin (eventually) left home the chance for my uncle to restart his relationship had passed and he was alone for the rest of his life. Your DGS is old enough to understand that his mother is entitled to be happy and I hope she will take this opportunity to be so.

Your daughter divorced 8 years ago due to her EX HUSBANDS AFFAIR! She did nothing wrong. .You should be happy that she has found someone so nice.
You need to tell your grandson that he needs to grow up & accept the situation (they met 3 years after said divorce) & he still is acting like a spoilt baby.
She deserves some happiness and so maybe it is best if he moves out - & see how long he lasts with paying his own bills, rent etc.

I think your daughter has done everything right as far as possible....known her new man for 5 years and gradually introduced him into her family. Surely she is entitled to live her own life by now. It's your 22 year old GS who is the unreasonable one here. He may have seen himself as man of the house and sees the prospective BF as a threat to this. There will come a time when your GS meets someone and will want to leave home himself...would he expect his mother to object to that...no he would think she was being unreasonable. Your daughter has not just met some random person here but obviously someone who she loves and trusts and wants the relationship to develop further...it's time your GS realised that at 22 he,s a grown man now and started behaving like one.

So - husband walks out eight years ago leaving children aged 14, 11 and 8. Daughter alone with three children for first three years, when children would be 17, 14 and 11.

So eldest grandson spent ages 14 to 17 as the oldest male in the household. DID ANYONE FEED HIM THE "YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE NOW" SHITE? And I'm looking at you, NannyOne. And your husband, and your ex son-in-law, the other grandparents, aunts, uncles, and yes, even your daughter. I'm looking at anyone and everyone.

Because basically your grandson is behaving as if he owns his mother - that she exists purely in relation to him, with no life outside of being 'mother'. Well, maybe she'd be allowed to be 'daughter', but woe betide that she be 'herself', oh no, that's not allowed!

Well he doesn't own his mother, and I think YOU need to put him right on this one. And yes, ask him the difficult questions.
- Does he expect her to be alone until she dies?
- How does he see his future, in respect of relationships and children of his own?
- Is he going to forego relationships to keep her company?
- Is he going to invite her on ALL his holidays, or is she to holiday alone? If at all?
- Is he going to host her at EVERY Christmas, without fail, or is she to be alone then too?
- Is he going to make sacrifices, or just his mother?

He is being selfish, and it needs to be pointed out to him VERY CLEARLY. Did he seriously think that if he shunned your daughter's partner she would meekly close the door on having a personal life? He's got away with this rubbish behaviour for far too long, and he needs to get a grip and behave like an adult.

She is a grown woman, and she does not deserve to be treated like this. He is throwing a tantrum, and I think we all know how to deal with them. Ignore, or put him on the naughty step to think about what he has done.

He is not in charge of her life, and he needs to accept that. And frankly, I'd rather my son moved out (as he would do in the next couple of years anyway, being 22) than put up with being ordered about by my child.

Perhaps your DGS could explain to you what his concerns are? I'd have my finances, home ownership settled before I moved anyone in, but my children moved out to get married, one declaring she'd never come back to our city (she wasn't upset with me). About 5 years later she moved back in for 6 months while she and her husband looked for a house up here.
It would be more understandable if the younger children were upset, but presumably the 22 year old will be expecting to find a job and financing his own living accommodation soon.

NannyOne earlier on you said "I don't want anything to change that causes unhappiness.". Clearly this is impossible - either your daughter or your grandson is going to be unhappy; you have to choose.

Is there a cultural/religious issue here? Your son's attitude sounds very much like some misogynistic cultures. I think he is being unreasonable you should help him realise that his mother's happiness is important so without a valid reason, he should not stand in her way. It seems that it is ok for his girlfriend to have a relationship for a male but his mother can't have one. If he has been like this for the last 5 years, I am surprised it hasn't been addressed by now.
I suspect he is stamping his feet now but when he has to finance the moving out, he may actually rethink things. Your daughter should reiterate to your DGS that loving someone else does not detract from her love for him but she has right to happiness just as he has the right to love whom he chooses.