To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

I can well understand why the 22 year old is not happy about things. It is HIS home and why should he share it with his mums boyfriend. Up until now the son has in effect been the man of the house. At a later date all the children will no doubt flee the nest but they should not be forced to do so.
Friends of ours daughter let her boyfriend move in with her and once he got his foot in the door he became a nightmare. He ended up being sent to prison by trying to run a prostitution racket using her two daughters. There are a lot of single men trying to worm their way into family life for their own ends and their own ends only. The mother has a loyalty and responsibility to her children not the boyfriend. He should stay in his own abode and keep things as they are. If it has worked well for 5 years why change it?

I think DS aged 22 is used to being 'man of the house'. However at 22 he should be moving on so yes this transition is tricky but he is not his mother's husband. He will go on to a life of his own and his own partner.

Also if partner has a house of his own why is he moving in? we had a single neighbor a mother of similar aged children, all virtually adults, who moved out to her partner's house but came back regularly to be with the kids and check how they were managing.

It was an excellent way of helping them learn to be independent and to learn the cost of all the essential bills.

Hope you will start to feel a bit better about this transition.

My gay friend married her partner yesterday: partners 3 children aged 10, 16 and 20 are over the moon, even though they have never seen mum with a same sex partner before
Her son stood up and made a little speech about how happy their mum is, what a great partner my friend is, and how glad they all are.

Why shouldn't the arrangement be changed, if the daughter wants to move on with her life? Because of a 22 year old "child"?
How long does this responsibility last? How about if her son gets to 40 and still objects?
Why change the arrangement? Because she and her partner want to. That's why.

This is awful. The DD has given her DCS her all. Worked to support them.
I was in similar position to the DD. I was left to bring up my DCs. No help from the Dfather. I worked to fit school times.
The DCs had babies at age 20 neither was married. Neither father was decent.
I didnt dare even think about having a relationship as they would have gone mad.
They are with other partners now with more children.
I am alone 99 per cent of the time. My only use is money and last resort babysitting.
It has not worked out well for me to have given up life for my DCs. They have up nothing for me. They are not pleasant at all.
I suggest the daughter takes her chance of happiness. If the son sees anything that is not good then step in. He should be kind to his mum and consider her future.
SPF

I can't believe what I am reading here and I am glad the general consensus is to back the Mom.

My own late Mom told me in around 2008 NOT to put my children before my relationship due to a family matter. She said to me "that children grow up and leave home and to ensure my relationship with my 2nd husband was put first and not allow children to come between us"

I can't believe you are taking your grandson side here. I think you should look at yourself in this and your own motives for not wanting your daughter partner to move in. I don't mean motives where your grandson is concerned as I think he is being used as an excuse for what is going on for you in this.

Is there concern you won't have your daughter so much and so on seems to be at the back of this. Maybe jealousy too. I don't know your own situation however this could be the cause.

I also can't believe what you have said about "not wanting your Grandson to be upset" either. We can not go through life without being upset. No one can. We learn the most through pain. By supporting him you are stunting his emotional growth.

He is 22. He needs to get over himself! He is acting like a spoilt petulant child. His Dad may have treated him appallingly however your daughter should not be suffering because of that.

As for him moving out. Let him move in with you then! He won't leave and if he does he will soon be back. They always are. Our home has been a boomerang for years of my 4 moving in and out. Now just the one at home. As the other 3 are all settled married etc. With 2 living abroad we have 1 only here right now.

Your daughter has more than done her job as a loving parent. It's time your Grandson grew up. It's time you supported her.

I know you won't like what I have said. It doesn't mean it us not true if yoy are offended

You didn't mention your own marital status. If you are divorced or widowed yourself check your motives for jealousy.

I am not saying you are a bad person either just to be clear either As the written word can be easily misunderstood. I am suggesting you look at this again with another pair of glasses on

Ye Gods! my grandson is exactly the same being a bully and dictating what happens at home and even were his parents should live. He is 21 and although he goes to university he still lives at home.
Stand up to him for God's sake give your daughter the help she needs and wish her every happiness.
I just wish my son and his wife would give my GS a swift kick up the back side, instead of letting him dictate were they should live. These children are just bullies, is this how they are going to behave in later life?
Give your daughter all the encouragement she needs and welcome her partner into his new home.

Is there a cultural/religious issue here? Your son's attitude sounds very much like some misogynistic cultures. I think he is being unreasonable you should help him realise that his mother's happiness is important so without a valid reason, he should not stand in her way. It seems that it is ok for his girlfriend to have a relationship for a male but his mother can't have one. If he has been like this for the last 5 years, I am surprised it hasn't been addressed by now.
I suspect he is stamping his feet now but when he has to finance the moving out, he may actually rethink things. Your daughter should reiterate to your DGS that loving someone else does not detract from her love for him but she has right to happiness just as he has the right to love whom he chooses.

NannyOne earlier on you said "I don't want anything to change that causes unhappiness.". Clearly this is impossible - either your daughter or your grandson is going to be unhappy; you have to choose.

Perhaps your DGS could explain to you what his concerns are? I'd have my finances, home ownership settled before I moved anyone in, but my children moved out to get married, one declaring she'd never come back to our city (she wasn't upset with me). About 5 years later she moved back in for 6 months while she and her husband looked for a house up here.
It would be more understandable if the younger children were upset, but presumably the 22 year old will be expecting to find a job and financing his own living accommodation soon.

So - husband walks out eight years ago leaving children aged 14, 11 and 8. Daughter alone with three children for first three years, when children would be 17, 14 and 11.

So eldest grandson spent ages 14 to 17 as the oldest male in the household. DID ANYONE FEED HIM THE "YOU'RE THE MAN OF THE HOUSE NOW" SHITE? And I'm looking at you, NannyOne. And your husband, and your ex son-in-law, the other grandparents, aunts, uncles, and yes, even your daughter. I'm looking at anyone and everyone.

Because basically your grandson is behaving as if he owns his mother - that she exists purely in relation to him, with no life outside of being 'mother'. Well, maybe she'd be allowed to be 'daughter', but woe betide that she be 'herself', oh no, that's not allowed!

Well he doesn't own his mother, and I think YOU need to put him right on this one. And yes, ask him the difficult questions.
- Does he expect her to be alone until she dies?
- How does he see his future, in respect of relationships and children of his own?
- Is he going to forego relationships to keep her company?
- Is he going to invite her on ALL his holidays, or is she to holiday alone? If at all?
- Is he going to host her at EVERY Christmas, without fail, or is she to be alone then too?
- Is he going to make sacrifices, or just his mother?

He is being selfish, and it needs to be pointed out to him VERY CLEARLY. Did he seriously think that if he shunned your daughter's partner she would meekly close the door on having a personal life? He's got away with this rubbish behaviour for far too long, and he needs to get a grip and behave like an adult.

She is a grown woman, and she does not deserve to be treated like this. He is throwing a tantrum, and I think we all know how to deal with them. Ignore, or put him on the naughty step to think about what he has done.

He is not in charge of her life, and he needs to accept that. And frankly, I'd rather my son moved out (as he would do in the next couple of years anyway, being 22) than put up with being ordered about by my child.

I think your daughter has done everything right as far as possible....known her new man for 5 years and gradually introduced him into her family. Surely she is entitled to live her own life by now. It's your 22 year old GS who is the unreasonable one here. He may have seen himself as man of the house and sees the prospective BF as a threat to this. There will come a time when your GS meets someone and will want to leave home himself...would he expect his mother to object to that...no he would think she was being unreasonable. Your daughter has not just met some random person here but obviously someone who she loves and trusts and wants the relationship to develop further...it's time your GS realised that at 22 he,s a grown man now and started behaving like one.

Your daughter divorced 8 years ago due to her EX HUSBANDS AFFAIR! She did nothing wrong. .You should be happy that she has found someone so nice.
You need to tell your grandson that he needs to grow up & accept the situation (they met 3 years after said divorce) & he still is acting like a spoilt baby.
She deserves some happiness and so maybe it is best if he moves out - & see how long he lasts with paying his own bills, rent etc.

My uncle was widowed with two small children, for many years he didn't have another relationship then started seeing a lady he had worked with for years. His daughter refused to have anything to do with her and made quite a scene about it so my uncle discussed things with his girlfriend and she suggested that they went back to just being friends until my cousin was older and more able to deal with him having another relationship. Sadly, by the time my cousin (eventually) left home the chance for my uncle to restart his relationship had passed and he was alone for the rest of his life. Your DGS is old enough to understand that his mother is entitled to be happy and I hope she will take this opportunity to be so.

How selfish you and your GS are. Mum has the right to have her own life now. Adult children will always resent change in their childhood home but this is your chance to help pave the way for a nicer future for your D instead of thinking if it will rock your boat.

About time too, I hope your daughter will be very happy with her new man in the house. It makes sense for the family to stay where they are and not uproot to a stranger's home. Your daughter is obviously sensible enough to secure her financial interests so that if it does not work out she will lose nothing - hopefully the friend will not burn his boats either until they can see how it goes.
Unfortunately they will start at a disadvantage due to elder sons attitude, and yes, it may be a bit strange for the daughter to have a man atound - she may not feel that she can relax in the same way in front of him, at least at first, but how long does your daughter have to wait before putting herself first?

I just typed a long post and lost it (perhaps just as well!).

In a nutshell - she was abandoned eight years ago, has done a sterling job studying, working and bringing up her three children. She has had a steady relationship with a nice man for five years, not rushing to move him into the house and now her son and you are angry about it.

I don't know what to say to her.
It's not up to any of us to tell you what to say but what I think you should say to her is 'Be happy with your lovely man, you deserve it'.
If son kicks up a fuss he can come and live with you.

I wish there was a "like" button on here. So many good posts - and Jalima - love it!

NannyOne you asked "Am I being unreasonable to think my daughter shouldn't do this?"

If you read through all the replies (>100 so far) you will see that the answer from >100 Gnetters is "Yes - you are being unreasonable" Only one or two posters think you should side with your GS.

Unless there is some important fact you haven't disclosed, it looks as if you should heed the advice.

It is never nice to have arguments in a family but nearly all of us seem to think that if you have to take sides you should support your DD.

NannyOne.....

Your daughter is an adult and can make decisions about her own life without unsolicited interference. She also has the right to be happy! After five years, it's very likely that her relationship with this individual is on solid ground.

So, if she's now decided that her partner should move in with her, everyone else needs to step aside.

Your GS has no right to interfere and neither do you. It's her house, her rules and she's the one in charge...no one else!

I don't want to be harsh or insensitive, but if you really want to help, advise your 22 year old GS to be less possessive with mom and to be more supportive instead. For his own sake and emotional well being, he shouldn't be living at home any more either. Encourage him to take charge of his own life and to be more independent, because that's what a real adult does.

I hope it all works out.

I don't think siding with GS is the term I would use. I think she would be wise to wait until the youngest was out of house. I don't understand why DD and SO can not just continue on as it is for a few more years?

Hope she doesn't give him up for the sake of her son, she deserves some happiness xx

paddyann, I don't think GS has considered that his mum might be conned, he's refused to engage with him at all. OP has said that GS simply doesn't think his mother should have a relationship. It seems to me a case of coercive control on the part of GS and it needs addressing.

I suppose adult son could button his lip about what he wants for a few years? The clue is in the word 'adult'

Could your grandson come and live with you?