To think my daughter shouldn't do this?

I was gayliamelon1

Yes 22 year old are at risk.
Very young for their age nowadays.
Dank , freezing cold bedsits in houses with dubious tenants and drug use.
Drug addicts , violence, clubs where a night out is not complete without a couple of pills as the norm.
A lonely, pointless life where he has cut himself off from his mother.
He has no job.

Or do we all think that he will trot off into the sunset and everything will be rosy in a nice flat. Who funds that?
Real life is harsh and that life can happen overnight with a simple change of circumstance. There is an underbelly to this country that has to be seen and lived to know what it is like.

Care to risk which way it will go?

Gmelon are you for real ?
Any man who would move in if it meant her child moving out
What child are we talking about? a 22 year old who needs a big kick up his selfish little butt
As I said before let Nannyone take grandson into her home a relationshipn made in heaven and they can spend the rest of their days moaning about the 'awful man who took his mummy away'

Perfect scenario would be if 22 yr old son was ok with it but unfortunately he is not and he must have his REASONS

Yes maybe he is being a little immature and yes maybe he should want his Mum to be happy but we know not what goes on really do we, maybe he feels his Mother deserves better..

Your DD and her boyfriend have handled it very well and have been extremely patient.
Are you close to this grandson NannyOne? Could you have a talk to him about his mother and thinking of her for once.
Most 22yr olds are living away from home, gmelon - they have jobs, nice flats which they fund themselves and they have responsible friends who do not take drugs. They can have a pleasant evening out without taking pills!
Anyone would think she was throwing out a 15/16yr old! He was 17 before his mother even met this man.
If he is 22yrs old, can't hold down a job and has dubious friends who are violent and encourage him to take drugs then his mother has done a pretty poor job so far!! It isn't my picture of him!

In 10yrs time, when he has moved out and got a wife and children they will all be moaning that his mother is too dependent and he will be wishing that he had welcomed the fact that his mother was finding her own happiness and making her own life!!

My youngest son is slightly older Serkeen, being 25, but I can assure you that I am perfectly sensible and can make my own decisions as to who 'I deserve'. Whatever his reasons happen to be he should allow for the fact that his mother has her reasons and actually be the adult and listen to them and get to know the boyfriend.
Unbelievably childish not to even speak to the poor man! The adult way would be to get to know him, on his own. Go out for a drink or similar- without his mother.

Personally I think you should be the one to sit down with your GS and have a good long talk. And you need to support your daughter on this. She has indeed done well by her children; getting your oldest GS through uni is proof of this. However her son has been away from home the best part of 3-4 years so he might not see the relationships in the same way as his younger siblings.

I agree with her decision not to buy another house together as this house is her security should the living together not work out as anticipated.

Just thought on, my friend's son has just finished his Uni course. He spent the summer coaching in the US at a Summer Camp and has landed a job a good 100 miles from his mother. He is on the autistic spectrum.

So not all this generation are still big babies at 22.

The big babies are those who have been treated as babies Anya, don't you think? ?

Could the D's partner stay for the odd weekend and gradually build up the length of time he stays in the hope the DS starts to get to know him and there is no big moving in date?

Yes 22 year old are at risk.
Very young for their age nowadays (whose fault is that?)
Dank , freezing cold bedsits in houses with dubious tenants and drug use.
Drug addicts , violence, clubs where a night out is not complete without a couple of pills as the norm.
A lonely, pointless life where he has cut himself off from his mother (does he have no friends?)
He has no job
Cue violins, hearts and flowers!

I have to say the 20 somethings of my acquaintance are generally out there in a job, perhaps at home saving for a deposit or in a flat share not necessarily dank and freezing (but in our day we still relished the independence and loved it) and whether or not recreational drug use come into the equation is a matter of personal choice.
This is not a vulnerable "child" with special needs, or from a disadvantaged background who cannot be expected to cope in society.
His mum is a professional person, son has a degree and clearly a grandma who puts his feelings above her own daughter's.
Such selfish intransigence bodes ill for the future.
What's his problem?

Children can be very censorious about their parents' relationships sometimes. Your daughter was the wronged party and as your original post stated, this has been the only relationship she has had so it isn't like she has had a succession of men traipsing through her childrens' lives. She is entitled, especially after bringing up 3 children, to some happiness with another partner.

I do know someone who was in a similar situation, widowed young, met someone else a few years later, older child objected very strongly even though mother and partner maintained separate homes and still do. However things move on that child, graduated in a good job and living independently mother and partner still a couple no longer the issue it was with the eldest child. A bit of separate space between parents and grown up offspring often works wonders.

I do feel some of these posts are unnecessarily rude to the OP. She is seeking help and advice. She doesn't want her GS insulted.She loves them all. By all means express your views but please do so kindly!

For what it is worth NannyOne I think your daughter should have a chance of happiness after doing what sounds a brilliant job of rearing her children. Hopefully the eldest child/man will come around to seeing it her way.

Do you think that this immature 22 year old is worried that his mother might remarry and risk his potential inheritance?

If he has no job and substantial debts he may see his hardworking successful Mum as his financial security.

I agree that the OP should invite her gs over, perhaps with his girlfriend and talk straight to him. Remind him how good his Mum has been to him. She is now entitled to be happy and he should not stand in her way.

So if they get married they have to live apart. You and your grandson are being selfish unbelievable

Your GS will move out pretty sharpish when something he wants to do, or someone he wants to be with comes along.

Let him go now if that is what he feels is best for him. It sounds like he has a lot of growing up to do and the big, wide, world if the best place for that.

Your daughter deserves to be happy.

How selfish of your Grandson, no thought for any happiness for his Mother. She deserves better!

nannyone i'm sorry. it's not your daughter you should be angry with it's your grandson.
your daughter has raised three children single handedly since her ex husband's affair which ended their marriage.
she's been on her own since then and now has someone new who she, obviously, wishes to live with. whether in her home or his or a joint one doesn't matter.
your grandson is being selfish and bratty for some reason.
hopefully you and he can sit down together and talk this through and he can come to realise that he's not losing his mum. she deserves some happiness now and has found someone to share her life.
and i hope you can forget your anger with your daughter - she doesn't deserve it. if there's a rift within the family then it's your grandson who has brought this about not her and it's not fair that you should be angry with her.
your grandson at 22 is more than capable of living on his own and coping with life - he'll probably be getting married himself in a few years and would be leaving home anyway.

To be honest, I'm aghast at this situation. How dare a grown man dictate how his mother should live? He's using threats and calling his mother's bluff by saying he'll move out. Of course he won't - where on earth would he go where he'd be able to live so well for so little? If he's allowed his own way - just because he'd rather the status quo didn't change - he'll be a bully all his life.

I do feel for your daughter, NannyOne - her husband left her, and she's to be denied the promise of a happier relationship, after giving everything to parenting her children alone. My daughter was so happy to know I was happy when I met my second husband, and even though she knew things would change, we both loved the support we both gave each other, and we are very close still.

I think the GS needs a swift reminder just who the parent is in the family. I would also like to know why he believes that a woman should never have another relationship if she's ever been married before?! Or is it just this woman in particular?

I do wish your daughter a happy future, NannyOne and hope that your GS snaps out of this ridiculous, self-centred stage.

The son needs a talking to. It is not fair to expect the mum to never have a companion because he is not accommodating. He needs to be taught tolerance. I dislike my stepfather but I tolerate him for my mum's sake.

Strange and rather disturbing reaction from a 22 year old, who appears not to have grown up. It would be easier to understand in a child who was in effect mourning the loss of a departed Father figure, but not here. He needs to mature fast and to recognise that he has no right to adversely affect the potential happiness of his Mother as she attempts to move on to a new phase of her life. Does he in some strange way see himself as the undisputed Alpha male in the household, where life is perhaps too comfortable and undemanding? Most unhealthy if that is the case, and if his attitude remains unchanged he should most certainly do everyone a favour and move out.

At 22 your grandson needs to stop sulking and throwing tantrums and ultimatums at his mother - he is an adult now and needs to leave his childhood behind. Your daughter is a grown woman who has obviously not rushed into anything and is now ready to live with a new partner. It might be nice if she got some support from her kids and parents instead of condemnation. Whatever his reasons for not even talking to the new partner or fearing having to share a home with him etc, the young man needs to get a grip or get a place of his own. Maybe it is time he left the nest and gave his mum a chance of some happiness of her own. You describe her partner as 'a nice man' so have a little faith that she is able to make her own life choices, including who lives in her house. Hope everything works out OK for all concerned.

Reading the OP I just felt terribly sad for the daughter who should have had the support of her mother, not to feel that she is angry with her. The poor woman has done everything right and is now being made to feel like a bad mother putting her chance of happiness before the selfishness of a 22 year old.
Why would he end up starving in a freezing garret ? EU nationals are pouring out of the country so there are jobs to be had. I lived in tiny bedsits for years on low pay and learned to manage money and live within my means and I didn't starve or freeze. It will do him the world of good and his lovely mum can get on with leading her life the way she deserves to.