Last moments

If I have any choice in the matter, I definitely want my sons with me and holding my hand. They have been the only really good thing in my life, - plus my grandchildren.

Maybe I'll have my best friend there. Maybe not - she's 12 years older than me - if that's the case I suppose there won't be anyone, my children disowned me and refer to me as dead already! Hope I'm too out of it to care. Don't want a funeral, don't care what happens to me after I'm dead.

That is very sad miep. Life isnt always easy is it. Take care of yourself.

There's also "passed over", which has slightly spooky overtones of spiritualism.

I would like someone kind holding my hand. It doesn't matter too much who it is, as long as they genuinely care for that little while.

I was with my husband when he died, along with daughter 2 and her husband, daughter 3, both sons and their wives, and one of my husbands older brothers and his partner. I don`t know whether he knew that we were there, but I think that`s how he would have wanted it to be.

grannyticktock Ofcourse one could get run over etc etc!! But advanced care plans are an excellent way of creating conversations with those you care about to help them to know your wishes at what is a very traumatic time for them!

grannyticktock Ofcourse one could get run over etc etc!! But advanced care plans are an excellent way of creating conversations with those you care about to help them to know your wishes at what is a very traumatic time for them!

If possible I would like someone who cares, with me holding my hand.

Passing, passed, passed over....Americanisms. Bah!

I was with my mum holding her hand and stroking her hair and talking to her when she died on 17 August. I don't know if it comforted her but it comforts me now.

I wonder how you can be sure of having "compassionate and caring nurses". I have seen some absolute horrors wearing nurses uniforms. I would hope for a sudden and unexpected death.

One of our DDs is married to a consultant anaesthetist. He says he's hopeless at DIY but he's the one to save your life. After (yet another) visit of ours when DH has done several little jobs he said how grateful he is and he can't reciprocate. I quickly said a painfree death would be great thanks. He and DD looked at me a bit strange. . . .

Going to a hospice guarantees that care. Advanced care plans enable one to state that as a preference ...if there is a need.

That's if there is a space at a hospice, of course.

And if the NHS are willing to arrange for the patient to be moved to a Hospice.

Well yes Ofcourse I they have space but at least stating it as a preference makes it a clear consideration for oneself or those supporting you if the time comes! In my fairly wide experience of hospices I have not personally encountered an issue re transfer from NHS ...frees up a bed!!

I found out too late that some Hospices care for the dying who have diseases over than cancer. If I had known and if I had not been so exhausted dealing with nastiness and stupidity I would have insisted on a Hospice. I know now and I will make very sure that my relatives know. I am traumatised by things that happened in NHS hospitals.

Sorry - that should have read "diseases other than cancer"

I wasn't with either of my parents when they died. My dad hung on until mum and I had left before he died. He was a very private man and I think he wanted it that way, but mum wanted me there but died unexpectedly in the middle of the night. I've always felt guilty about not being with her.

So I don't care whose with me, and have made it clear. I don't want to lay that guilt on any of those I love. Someone holding my hand and chatting would be nice, but a nurse or passer by will do fine.

My Mum died at home, I had been there all night with my Dad holding her hand, she died in the few minutes it took for me to make a quick call home. My Dad was in a Hospice. The nurses were sure he had a few hours and advised us to go to a room to rest. Our sons went home. He died just after we had all left his bedside. I believe they both chose it that way. I cant predict what I would want at the moment of death other than to be at home or in a Hospice if home was not possible. Yes, I would like loving company in the hours and minutes before but at the actual moment? Maybe I would make the same choice as my parents. It is very personal, no right or wrong and yes, sometimes circumstances take over and we have no choice.

I feel the same as you NfkD. My Dad died alone in hospital, I wish it could have been different but there was nothing I could do. My mum is having palliative care in a care home and I can't be with her 24 hours a day. She wouldn't want me to feel guilty, I am overwhelmed with sadness though and so thankful for the carers who are seeing to her every need.

for chelseababy, I'm glad you were able to be with your mum.

Sugarpufffairy, you have my sympathy, you now are one of the many people who realise that the thing that's wrong with the NHS is the people who work there, but one of the few who will say something about it, believe me you are not alone when you say your experience was not want you wanted.

My friend told me she had 'lost' her mum, well I am afraid I said I am sure you will find her if not let the police know! Anyway, I saw an interesting article about oldies making their own coffins in New Zealand. They had classes and everyone decorated it in their own way. One woman had a giant picture of Elvis on the lid as she could think of anything better than having Elvis lying on top of her! . Love to have make my own coffin, soft pillow, warm blanket ....