Last moments

My husband was amendment he wanted to die in a hospices not at home and by default that did happen. We were there with him but compassionate Nurses? Um in his case there were nurses but not compassionate nor warm. My wishes for my husband were different to his but I would have carried out anything he wanted but sadly neither of us had any control on it . Its not like a wedding that you can arrange and pick the venue. Your love ones will feel the pain no matter where it happens.

"Your funeral, your rules"

I think the opposite. Whatever will make my family want. Whatever music, readings anything. My funeral will not be for me, it's for them.

My sister and I had a discussion about who's funeral it was, when my mum died. She felt it was for others'; I felt it was my mums day.

Just a hunch, but my kids will probably disregard any final sage advice and wishes I have (nothing changes)

pink I'm surprised and very disappointed to hear about your hospice nursing experience! How awful for you

An emotive issue ! Of course your feelings are important but ... as maryeliza54 says, your loved ones feelings are vital here too as they will be the ones left dealing with their pain, and will have enough to cope with. Can you find a middle ground ?

I'lltellhim - Thank you for your comment. I was totally disgusted with the NHS and the way they treat patients and patients' families. You are absolutely right that I will say something. It is as a result of the years of stress that I now have an incurable conditon. Failed discharges and Hospital Acquired Infections were normalised. A doctor questioned my Medical Degree. He was told I dont have a degree in Medicine but I still knew better than him! My relative survived that ward and staff my friends' young relative died on that ward aged 19! There is a huge Inquiry about that.
Nurses want to learn some decent conduct and if that succeeds we can hope that they will then learn manners. Compassion is something which appears to be too much for them.
I live with a nurse on one side and a Dr on the other. As neighbours they are the worst I have ever had in over 40 years of home owning. There are another 2 nurses, a Dr. an NHS employee, and a Social Worker. It is one awful street. It is the People who live here who make it so.
I was my parents' carer for years. I would not like my children to be my carers as they are not as even tempered or polite as I am, They call a spade a spade. I dont want their blood boiled nor do I want them in trouble after having to deal with NHS staff failures
Everytime I see those notices about not abusing NHS staff I think the NHS should make sure their staff do nothing to need to be put right or abused.
I am bitter and with just cause. The stupidity of their conduct has led to me having to have medication and appointments for the rest of my life. Stupidity costs money!
I have researched Dignitas rather than years of NHS!

Don't honestly care what someone puts in my obituary (it's not like I'll be around to read it!). I'd hope it was something nice like "loving wife, brilliant and funny Mum and Granny" but other than that, I don't care.

Contemplating having the song from The sound of music "so long, farewell..."

(or Number of the Beast by Iron Maiden...either would bring a smile to my daughter's face!).

I was completely with Radicalnan (must research click & collect) until I read maryeliza's contribution. Now I 'm having a rethink. Drat! Thought I had it all sewn up. Guess I'll have to open the discussion yet again with offspring. Oh aye..........

I think as long as I pass away peacefully without trauma, or having someone try to resuscitate me and I end up with painful broken ribs etc, etc that's all we can hope for, surely? I wouldn't want to die and not be found until weeks later in a terrible state of decomposition. This has taken a morbid turn for the worst. hasn't it? But it's a subject we need to think about I guess.

Last piece of music at my friend's recent funeral was 'Thank you for being a friend' from the Golden girls. Lovely.

I've decided that, as per my earlier posts, I will transition, after all. No one else in my family has done it and it sounds quite exciting.

I was with my dad when he died, as was my mum, brother & partner. Dad was pretty much unaware, I think. We didn't sit there morbidly peering at him but chatted, trying to include him, as I'd read that hearing is the last sense to go.

We didn't realise immediately when he died. His breathing had slowed down to one or two breaths a minute so we didn't recognise his final breath. That's 19 years ago this month.

Remember to do your 'Enduring Power of Attorney/s. End of Life Wants Wishes etc. Yes I am going to DIE! Space booked and paid for,in the local Green burial field.

How dare you Sugarplumfairy tar all nurses with the same brush you sound so bitter and twisted in doing so Im horrified at your appalling attitude

I mean sugarpuff fairy So pleased im retired and pity anyone who has to look after you in an NHS hospital with that attitude So i hope you dont end up in a bad accident where you need care

The older I get, the less I care what they say or do when I am gone. They know I don't like waste so they won't go for rosewood and brass handles and I hope if there is an obituary they remember that I made them laugh.

Regarding the NHS and nurses in particular, I was taken in to hospital last month and within three days had a lumbar puncture X-ray and MRI. The same investigations cost a small fortune in Australia say, or the US. The nurses were just great, same as when I spent two weeks there a few years ago. Some of my doctors score lower but 19 out of 20 nurses were just wonderful.

They aren't all that great at our hospital, but then it has just been listed as one of the worst in the country (again) compassion is rather thin on the ground.

RetiredRGN - Your response is exactly the attitude I have come to see as normal from nurses. You think that there is any possibility of being a carer for 25 years and I would have only perfectly mannered, kind and caring nurses in my line of vision.
I am aware that there have been good nurses but the conduct of THEIR bad colleagues overshadow any good nurses.
The patient was a person who was a life risker for the sake of others ad yes I expect that person to be treatd with good manners and decent conduct and not a Ward Sister wo claimed she would get a joiner to break into the house to make the discharge if I would not hand over the house keys. This was 2 months before death after 30+ years of having been retired on medical grounds.
Do tell me if you are proud to stand beside a nurse with that attitude.
I am for Dignitas rather than NHS.
We are each the sum total of our life experiences and that is the sum total of my expereince dealing with NHS.
I dare just fine now that I do not have to worry about one very sick relative.

RetiredRGN - You clearly didnt read my posts properly. A young person aged 19 is dead. I have a life long condition without cure.
It also should be noted that the three different hospitals are now cloased dowm. The hospital which treated and gave end of life care to a much older relative with all care and kindness is still operational.
There is to be a full inquiry and inquest into a death on the same ward as my relative was on.
Finally were you there with me through 25 years of caring for my relatives? Did you see all that went on? Or are you attacking a poster in support of people you most likely do not know? That is inappropriate

Sugarpufffairy. I've had bad experiences with the lack of care and compassion in NHS hospitals. Both with the treatment of my Father, which was disgusting. If I hadn't fought to get him released back to his care home he would be dead by now. And by my own experience while in hospital for Bowel Cancer. The Ward I was in was absolutely toxic from the nasty, rude, sneering Sisters to the HCA's who all had the same attitude. The "how dare you complain" and veiled threats of "hope you you're not in a bad accident and need help" and "i feel sorry for any nurse looking after you". DOES NOT SURPRISE ME ONE BIT BECAUSE THIS IS THE ATTITUDE THEY HAVE. Instead of listening to genuine grievances and sympathizing with you, they don't listen and just attack. Might join you with the Dignitas!

My neighbour's funeral began with "Somewhere over the rainbow" and ended with "Wish me luck as you wave me goodbye". Typical of her and made everyone feel better.

Whatever All i said in essence was do not tar ALL nurses with the same brush I nursed for over 40 years

His hospital stay was bad he begged me to stay with him and I did for two weeks He was treated with no dignity at all shouted at and forced to eat . I am still waiting to about the formal compliant I made I even have video evidence on my phone. He refused to go into hospital after that so was taken into a hospice for routine treatment. His stay was ok I found the nurse very cold and brisk and not approachable . I witness one nurse hit an old gent but it was all covered up. My husband was meant to be coming home the day he died but suddenly was in end of life mode as they called it when he was actually drying in his last hours they were actually impatient and very very cold. they didn't seem to understand my grieve and one said to me well it cant of come as a shock why did you think he was in here? I was crying was my daughter and she said I am sorry but can you go to the day room and cry as you may upset other people. I pulled the curtain around the bed and they opened it saying it was blocking the light out so my husband died in full view of strangers and visitors. When he died they said please can you hurry up and clear his locker as we are changing shift now. compassion was hard to find sorry but that was just my experience.

I am so sorry about the bad treatment that some have experienced within the NHS, my husband`s treatment was exactly the opposite, both at the end at also through the previous 3 years of operations and hospital stays, partly in ICU. The doctors and nurses were very kind and caring, and yes, he was a difficult patient at times, having realised that he wasn`t going to get better. He was finally transferred to an NHS hospice near to and connected to the hospital, the staff there were really lovely, he was in a very nice room, but unfortunately he only lasted 24 hours after arriving there. We have no complaints whatsoever in that way, the only anger is towards the GP who a month earlier told him there was nothing wrong with him.

I heard an interview on the radio once with a professional who had attended hundreds of deaths. This person said that relatives strove to be with their loved ones at their last moment but the crucial point was more often or not reached when the relative had just 'popped off' to the loo or elsewhere. It wasn't necessarily deliberate but the dying person sensed their last goodbyes had been said.

It's out of our hands really.