to treat 1 grandchild differently because she treats me different?

I tend to think so too, shizam, about her being immature. Or perhaps she's just rude or socially dense. Or maybe she even thinks a thank you via her dad is really okay.

I don't understand why parents and grandparents reward kids or grandkids for doing well in exams. Kids who can will and kids who can't won't, on the whole. How are the ones who do their best but who don't do well in exams rewarded?

I don't think you can reward academic cleverness and then complain about elitism in society anyhow. Not that anyone has on this thread. I'm just musing before going to bed

Thank you to everyone who has spent the time to reply.

Baggs, I didn't award them for the grades they got (I have no idea how the current system works and quite frankly have no idea what marks they got). All I know is that my eldest GC is graduating, the 18 year old passed her exams (not sure what they are) but I remember how hard she has been working towards them, I saw her at Christmas and she brought her revision stuff. The 16 year old got accepted into the course she wants to do. I know they have all worked hard, no idea if the grades they got are good, etc.

I think it wouldn't hurt to talk to her directly to ask if she received the (very generous) gift . If she doesn't thank you then a gentle reminder about basic good manners would be in order.

Thank you, greenwood. I still don't 'get' the idea of giving money for working hard at school, but that's just my outlook. Obviously some people feel differently and that's fine. Some of Minibaggs's friends got what appeared to me to be very additional stress-making 'deals' from their parents before they took their exams, like "you'll get x if you get straight As", etc. Weird.

Minibaggs finished an important school year this summer. She was very stressed for a long time. I wonder if your GD hasn't recovered from the stress yet and that's why she hasn't been in touch? I wondered also if this was the first time she hadn't thanked you for a gift or whether it happened before. And for how long hasn't she been visiting you?
No need for you to answer those queries if you don't want to but I can't help wondering...

My earlier posts were attempts to suggest that, since her siblings have been properly brought up then she must have been as well, so perhaps she "treats you differently" because she simply is different. Perhaps she has a personality disorder or something, which won't be her fault.

I believe absolutely in politeness. I also think there might be a good reason why one of your grandchildren seems different from the others. I don't regard this as making excuses; more just an acceptance of diversity and an attempt to understand what makes people tick.

Please, thank you, etc are the basics of interaction in society, if she is capable of accepting money/ presents she is capable of saying thank you. Some of the most vulnerable people in society have mastered the art of that interaction. Even a dog wags it's tail when you feed it. please us Grannies let's man up & see it for what it is , laziness, bad mannered & ignorant. GReenwoodgranny has every right to feel a little miffed & disgruntled !!

Don't know how the cash was conveyed. Bank transfers? Via dad? Cheques? I'd be inclined to text without mentioning dad. Say again how pleased you are that she's done well and ask if she has any plans for it. That might just elicit a reply which does not necessarily have to contain the magic words Thank You but will show you she's pleased with it.
My eldest DGD doesn't visit as often as she did but often texts with just a hello or phones to fill in the time as she walks home.
If occasional texts between you become the norm then you will establish a different way of communicating and in future a quick thank-you text will be easier.
My girls sometimes need reminding but are happy to text thanks for gifts from friends and relatives all of whom accept this as an acceptable alternative to formal notes.

My grandchildren that live away would definitely always say thank you if I gave them something in person but they do not lift the phone to initiate a thank you to presents sent, if I ring them to say have you received it I get a genuine thank you but although their mum has taught them good manners and they are often congratulated on being nice mannered kids by others, it would not enter their head to make a long distance thank you I don't know why I can't explain it at all except that their Mum would be the same And it certainly hasn't come through me mine all had to write thank you letters

I was brought up to write thank you letters for every present received a chore I hated! Although I did make my own children at least phone or thank in person
I do not expect my own grandchildren to thank me for a gift my giving to them is because I want to not because I expect a thank you, to me (and I am only speaking for how I feel not imposing this on others) it feels like imposing a condition on the gift which I don't want

......but I still wouldn't treat them any differentlyly ' to teach them a lesson'

Still think it's an ideal situation to use texts.

If she were my granddaughter I would tell her that I find her behaviour unacceptable. She is legally an adult at eighteen, so her father should not be doing her thanking for her.

I agree both with those who say we don't give presents in order to be thanked and with those who say that good manners make life easier. Sorry, if this sounds illogical, but I do feel your granddaughter should be expressing some gratitude.

My grandson hasn't spoken to me since he was 12 years old, after I laughed when he told me he was a man now and he didn't have to do what I told him to do.
He is now 21 and is thought well of in the community being both polite and respectful. It is expected that I sent him money for Christmas and birthday but doesn't even acknowledge them but is quick enough to bank them. But if he wants something has the cheek to get his mother to phone me and asks for whatever he wants. I did once forget to send him a cheque and all hell broke out with his mother raging down the phone.
I think he enjoys creating discord in the family, but I will not leave him anything in my Will, why would I?
Being polite costs nothing.

I agree gifts should be given without expectation! However that doesn't mean not saying thanks is ok, its just polite and should be automatic!

Nellgwin'what on earth are you doing? Never mind the will ...why aren't you telling his mother that if he is happy to accept things from you then you are happy to see him anytime to discuss 1. Why he is ignoring you? 2. Why he wants things from you as he clearly doesn't want a relationship! How on earth has this gone for so long?

Is his mother your daughter, ? I am not trying to be mean or unkind but why are you accepting this behaviour & going along with it !!!

@norose4 what? I am talking about my grandaughter (I don't have grandsons) and I have already said her dad is my son.

Or are you speaking about @nellgwin????

Nellgwin have you apologised to him for hurting his feelings when he was 12? It is really awful this has gone on for 9 years. Can you try to put it right and maybe ask for your DDs support?

Sorry GreenwoodGranny, ignore my first sentence, but I am interested to see what you think about the 2nd

Nellgwin when it comes to social faux pasI feel that you as the adult should have made the move to resolve things with a stroppy hormonal 12 yr-old.
Can't imagine how you've let this go on for so long and as for writing him out of your will - what a spiteful example to set any child!

Nellgwynwhy on earth are sending money to a 21 yr old and why is his parent being so stroppy !

I was told that an Indian Giver is to give a gift and then want it back again afterwards and forever mentioning it.
It apparently came from American Indians trading with the White Man and then stealing back what they had given for the trade. (myth?)

Are you really considering your will a mature punishment

No thanks, no more presents. There Must be consequences or she will never learn.