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AIBU

To care about birthday being ignored?

(84 Posts)
NonnaW Fri 20-Oct-17 11:27:16

I know it’s a minor thing in these times but I can’t help feeling upset that my sons have not sent either a card or present for my birthday. I sent them messages to say we were going on holiday, which encompassed both mine and DH’s birthdays. This is not unusual, we’ve done it for several years now. DH’s children gave/sent gifts for both of us before we left. Apart from text/fb messages on the day, I’ve had nothing at all from my 3 sons. We’ve been back home since Tuesday. I’d have been happy with a card tbh.

Go on, tell me I’m being ridiculous!

Moocow Fri 20-Oct-17 11:38:05

You are not being ridiculous. I sometimes wonder if it's a son thing as my own is not one for remembering or not showing that he remembers. He does bother with christmas but probably because that's the same day for everyone. I have wondered, if I were to do the same, how would he feel? I can't make myself do it.

maryrose54 Fri 20-Oct-17 11:38:41

I would feel the same as you NONNA. Do you usually get cards from them or is it just this time.?

Greenfinch Fri 20-Oct-17 11:49:21

Last year I received a text from one of my sons saying that he had not sent me a card as we were away on holiday for my birthday. He has always been against presents and cards and I have just received an email from him citing the so called celebrities who suggest grandparents should only give one present at Christmas saying he agrees with them. He has three children so I guess I have to agree to treating these children differently from my other GC.

NonnaW Fri 20-Oct-17 11:54:05

Tbh I don’t usually get cards but I normally get a present, sometimes flowers, last year a lovely hamper. It’s usually DS2 that organises things, maybe he delegated DS1 to do it and he forgot!

annodomini Fri 20-Oct-17 11:55:15

My family can't forget/ignore my birthday. It's bonfire night. So it's best to choose a memorable date to be born. Two of my long-ago school friends had birthdays on April 1st and Halloween.

tanith Fri 20-Oct-17 12:03:07

It's sons, mine occasionally sends flowers as he lives abroad but he never sends cards. My girls have never forgotten. I'm used to it now but I know my sons partner thinks it's awful as she makes a huge fuss over her parents birthdays. I'm sure she makes him feel guilty 😁

ginny Fri 20-Oct-17 12:25:14

I don't think saying that 'it's men '. They are perfectly capable of remembering and sending a card or small gift. It's not exactly difficult these days.

Just send a text on his next birthday and ignore it otherwise.

Greyduster Fri 20-Oct-17 13:26:07

Anno mine is the day before yours, so little excuse for forgetting that either and, in truth, my two never do, but last year, DS forgot DH’s birthday altogether, and though he shrugged it off and said it wasn’t important, he was, in fact, quietly upset. DS was mortified when he came down a few days after and saw the other cards, but what surprised me is that my DiL appears not to have remembered it either and she is usually more on the ball than DS. Presents are never required, but it is never too much to ask to send a card and if it ever happens again, there will be much brown stuff hitting the fan - and it won’t be chocolate!

vampirequeen Fri 20-Oct-17 13:29:55

Of course you're upset. It's perfectly natural to be. When I first escaped my girls blamed me (well they listened to their dad) and we had a few dodgy years when my birthday and mother's day were forgotten/late. I was devastated and so I understand how you feel.

Sadly your boys might think that a text message/facebook message is sufficient. It seems to be how a lot of people do it these days.

minesaprosecco Fri 20-Oct-17 14:17:26

greyduster, maybe your DiL decided not to remind your DS this year to see if he could remember on his own - clearly notsmile. My son needs reminding of all birthdays and even then doesn't always do anything about it, but it's because he genuinely can't see why adults have to celebrate, he thinks birthday celebrations are just for children. I've tried to explain it's a way of showing love and appreciation but he doesn't get it - but since he does actually appreciate everything I do for him, and he does really love me, I don't let it get to me (well, not very much anyway!).

grumppa Fri 20-Oct-17 14:27:40

I despair of my fellow males sometimes. There is no excuse for them not taking proper notice of their parents' birthdays; nor should they rely on their partners to deal with it. I always sent cards to my parents without being prompted.

mumofmadboys Fri 20-Oct-17 14:34:14

I have five sons. I tend to get two cards. I may get a text or an e mail from the other three, but not always. I agree it is upsetting.

paddyann Fri 20-Oct-17 14:42:40

I tell my family every year no birthday cards or presents and no christmas gifts.If I want something I buy it and they have enough to spend their hard earned cash on already .I do like a wee visit from them but as I see my son most days and speak to my daughter every day its not an issue if they dont pop in.

KatyK Fri 20-Oct-17 18:10:23

It's out of order to be honest.

Cherrytree59 Fri 20-Oct-17 20:02:37

Happy Birthday wishes Nonnawflowers

cornergran Sat 21-Oct-17 06:30:00

It's happened a few times with both of us. I find it hurtful too nonnaw. As much as I know comparisons are the way to more upset it is hard knowing that daughters in laws' parents are treated very differently. I tell myself a thicker skin is needed and don't make a fuss. I think for them social media seems adequate, for us it isn't the same, particularly as we don't see them regularly. A card is more real and all that is needed for us to be content. You aren't alone nonnaw, wishing you well and a belated happy birthday.

Imperfect27 Sat 21-Oct-17 07:21:22

You are not being unreasonable - it is natural to feel disappointed and a little hurt at the sense of being overlooked. But, I think this is a common thing, most especially with sons it seems. They all seem to live such busy and pressured lives these days.

My boys tend not to get a present/card to me on time. Sometimes, something arrives the next time I see them which could be a week - ten days after the date. Sometimes nothing at all. This year, I didn't see any of my 3 (DD1, DS1 and DS2) on Mothering Sunday and nothing from anyone - not a card or flower in sight - though three 'apologies'! To be honest, I felt I had to quietly 'deal' with this, compounded by the knowledge that they all gathered at their dad's for Father's Day later in the year - there had been very practical reasons why we didn't see each other around Mothering Sunday, but sigh! It was also my DD's second ever MS as a mum and I think she was very busy with work and probably very distracted by actually qualifying for a gift / card herself!

BUT, none of my children are 'thoughtless.' These things do just happen and I think we have to let the niggling disappointment/ hurt go as I am sure they do not intend to cause any upset.

Elizabeth1 Sat 21-Oct-17 08:35:04

Happy birthday NonnWa flowers smile

Nelliemoser Sat 21-Oct-17 08:36:10

I usually get a card from my son and a phone call . Neither of my children are near enough to drop in. My daughter is sometimes late with a card but she is a nurse working shifts and juggling with two small children.

Elizabeth1 Sat 21-Oct-17 08:39:08

Oops Sorry NonnWa for the misspelling

Elizabeth1 Sat 21-Oct-17 08:41:01

Oops I’ve done it again NonnaW blush

Maidmarion Sat 21-Oct-17 08:48:10

I am absolutely with you on this. I didn't get a card from my son this year (or from my GS either, which I usually get!). It is because (for some reason, unknown to me!!) he's not speaking to me!!!!! I usually get wonderful cards, with beautiful words from my daughter, but just a small, ordinary one this year as (you've guessed it!) I'm in bad books with her TOO!!! I didn't get any cards from her children, neither did I get Christmas cards from them either. I so wish it didn't bother me... but I set such store by cards - not bothered about gifts - as it's an opportunity to read some kind and loving words....
My son's birthday is also on bonfire night so I'm tussling whether to give him a taste of his own medicine ... but I know I won't and will still send a loving card with money ...! I find it really upsetting that they can't make a small effort to send a card!!

Anya Sat 21-Oct-17 08:56:33

Birthdays are a Big Thing in our family - any excuse for a party or get together (must be the Irish in us) and I suppose it helps that we all live close by each other.

I suppose it depends on the culture in your own family. But you are obviously upset NonnaW. Soon you’ll get someone coming on here and telling you that they don’t get cards and it doesn’t upset them in the least because they are such well adjusted and amazingly -smug- people.

This is designed to make you feel small and inadequate, but don’t let that happen.

To be frank, if a child CBS’d to send his or her mother even a card once a year on her birthday then they need a good slapping around the ears with an overripe kipper.

So sorry you are upset.

Caro1954 Sat 21-Oct-17 09:00:22

Happy belated birthday NonnaW flowers. Sorry, but I have to say that all men are not the same. I always get a card and present from my son and from his son (aged 4 so obviously sent by DS). He knows I'd mind! But he's hopeless to buy presents for "I don't really need anything ...".