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Seems I was unreasonable ... no I don’t think so

(51 Posts)
Ashmore32 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:04:15

My last post I asked if I was being unreasonable to withhold news of a step sister to my first adopted taken under false pretences to cover up NHS staff caused injury later blamed on the Parents.
Grand daughter no 2 has arrived and my son has decided that ‘we’ will not disclose this information ourselves, but between my sons ex partner and/ or SS, the adoptive parent will no doubt find out. She won’t be able to have her cake and eat it any longer. We are often told we have no rights to know more than the adoptive parent tells us. That works both ways.
If my adopted lost grand daughter wants to know more she will have to come looking.

Nelliemoser Sat 28-Oct-17 22:38:29

I am sorry but I feel rather unclear about what the situation you have going on here is about.

Ashmore32 Sat 28-Oct-17 22:44:33

SS want my son and I to tell via adopter that our first grandchild who has been adopted to be told about the second grandchild, her half sister. Personally I agree with my son that the adopter has no right to know and if his adopted child wants to know more she can come looking. It will be no surprise to the second

Eglantine21 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:10:30

Sorry I don't understand what is happening here, perhaps because the original post explained more?

Nelliemoser Sat 28-Oct-17 23:14:30

Ashmore32 That would be really unfair not to let the child know about a blood relative at some time in it's life.
There should be no lies and family secrets in such situations.

Adopted children even in happy households often feel that at some point in their lives they would like to know if they have any blood relatives.

Not to let them know they have a blood relative when they are old enough to understand the situation is just plain wrong.
Can you imagine being an adopted child and when you are old enough finding out someone had deliberately prevented you from knowing you have a blood relative.

Greenfinch Sat 28-Oct-17 23:18:15

A step sister is not the same as a half sister.
How could the adopted child come looking?
You are clearly very upset and have your reasons but wouldn't it be nice for her to know about her sibling?

Nelliemoser Sat 28-Oct-17 23:24:01

Greenfinch It does say it's a half sister futher down the thread.

FarNorth Sat 28-Oct-17 23:38:26

Does an adopted child normally get updates from their birth family, nowadays?

Ashmore32 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:44:22

She will no doubt find out she has one via her birth mothers letterbox letters or SS will blab. We just don’t want to share. What we get from the adopter is no more than a narrative of the previous year. All we have are memories of a 18 month old, reading about a 5 year old. For all we know they are generated letters or a fictional account.
The adopter broke promises over photographs and birthday cards.we woe her nothing and legally My first grand daughter is legally no longer considered part of our family.
Why should we have to tell all and get nothing in return.

Ashmore32 Sat 28-Oct-17 23:49:46

As for saying no lies or family secrets..... the whole situation of her removal was based on SS NHS and Family court lies and secrets, basis of which her parent will use to ensure she is told her birth family are not worth looking for.Somwhy would she want to know her sister, a daughter of her birth father

grannyactivist Sat 28-Oct-17 23:53:20

Ashmore you are in a difficult situation and I understand the anger and the resentment you're experiencing is a reflection of your hurt. However, the problems you've had have not been of your grandchild's making and it is only she who will miss out on not knowing that she has a half-sibling. It may be that when she is older she will come to find you and you can then demonstrate that you have always had her best interests at heart.

FarNorth Sun 29-Oct-17 01:26:17

Ask SS to make sure that photos and cards are sent, if they are keen for the child to have contact with her birth family.

It seems odd to me, tho, that a very young adopted child is expected to want information about another family whom she never sees.
Is that what's normally done now?

Whatever you think of the adults involved, do whatever will be best for your grandchild. Do not hold grudges against her as she is entirely blameless in whatever has happened.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Oct-17 04:32:05

I m still very unclear what the original post means
A grandchild is taken from the family (son) and adopted out
A second child is now born to (son) and they don’t want first child to know about second child??
Surely when a child is adopted out the original family don’t have any further contact do they ?
Who can’t have their cake and eat it ???
if my adopted lost granddaughter wants to find more she will have to come looking? What does that mean ?it sounds a bitter statement....... I m sure I must be reading this wrong

vampirequeen Sun 29-Oct-17 06:36:47

I found it a bit confusing at first but if the two children are half sisters then the adopted child has a right to know when she is old enough to understand. They are half sisters and it's up to them to decide if they contact each other when they are older.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Oct-17 07:30:09

Well if that’s all it is I totally agree Vampirequeen but it sounded much more complex than that
Who can’t have their cake and eat it ???

BlueBelle Sun 29-Oct-17 07:37:58

And where does a step sister come into it if they are both her sons children they are half sisters not step sisters !

Of course the adopted child needs to know about her real family if she wants to make contact when of age she needs to be able to

There sounds bitterness against the poor little girl in the posters words..... why ?

Anya Sun 29-Oct-17 07:42:10

There are reasons that children are put up for adoption. I’m not always saying it’s rght, but in the vast majority of cases there are good reasons that a child is removed from their family.

I’m just hoping that the family situation has improved so that this new half-sister is never in the same situation and you manage to keep this granddaughter Ashmore and help her family with that in mind.

Iam64 Sun 29-Oct-17 08:02:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueBelle Sun 29-Oct-17 08:13:21

I totally understand your post Iam64 and agree with all you say I also know about the life story books etc I don’t understand why the poster doesn’t want the first child to know about the second child just because she’s been taken from their family (rightly or wrongly) it’s not the child’s fault and why should she be ‘punished ‘ by withholding vital information for her life book even if she’s not told until she old enough to understand more It’s the child’s history not the grand mother’s or the fathers to wipe out bits of it That doesn’t sound right
But I might have understood the original post wrongly the poster is obviously very upset and passionate so may not have explained it as it really is .....
I hope it all works out for the poor little girl bless her

willsmadnan Sun 29-Oct-17 09:40:04

Wow...what a vindictive post from Ashmere yet again. I read a first posting from her a few weeks ago, and time certainly hasn't healed.I was adopted 70 years ago and after 50 odd years of subterfuge, misformation and downright lies I finally met my half-sisters and brother. Unfortunately both my sisters have died in the last 5 years, so after all that searching we had very little time together. The way I and thousands of adopted children have been lied to is a disgrace, but I thought this had changed in a more open society. In *Ashmere's' case the attitude is alive and well. I obviously don't know what has happened to make you so vicious, but you should be ashamed of yourself Ashmere!

Madgran77 Sun 29-Oct-17 10:05:20

The adopted grandchilds best interests should be the priority here, not the anger and resentments of the adults. She deserves to know about her sibling, and can respond as she sees fit when old enough

Nanawind Sun 29-Oct-17 10:14:51

Ashmere I get the impression from your post that you have lost any feeling for your first adopted grandchild, that child is not to blame for any wrong doing by any party. But to state that she is no longer legally part of the family is hurtful to her. If or when she comes looking for her real family I hope she never reads that statement.
Of course she will want to know about any brother or sister after all they will be blood related.

Ashmore32 Sun 29-Oct-17 10:37:01

I have loads of unfulfilled feelings, forbidden by social services through annual letter contact.
I have loads of unfulfilled dislike of the adopter who made promises she refuses now to keep.
I am grateful for what seems like my grand daughters happy childhood.
The legal side of things is she is no longer my granddaughter even though we have memories of her all around the house. This fact is frequently rammed down my throat by the letterbox contact supervisors.
As far as they are concerned our lives go on. Yet for the next 13 years we will be expected to treat her like she is still part of the family being told every important even while we know nothing apart from her 'jolly life' with her adoptive family, which I am grateful for. But have no faith in being the truth.
While she is not to blame for anything, she is being fed a web of lies about why she is with her adoptive family and once she is 18 can find things out for herself, either via letterbox contact from her Mum, which will again be barely more that her own fiction as we no longer have contact with her, or via the Social Services chinese whisper tree.
If the adoptive parent asks about her she will be told information is on a need to know basis and as we don't need to know about the child she adopted in photos etc and I very much doubt she would agree to direct contact anyway, my second grand daughters life is also on a need to know basis.
This goes both ways. Had she not been so manipulative and lie until she got her adoption order, this would be a completely different scenario.
Letterbox 'requires' full disclosure from us, has very little coming the other way.
The most she would get if they made a fuss would be girl and birthday made all the more heartbreaking in the hours not days difference of dates. This is primarily my sons wishes and I agree with them

Ashmore32 Sun 29-Oct-17 10:49:28

Had this all been different photos etc would have been sent even if only for her file.

vampirequeen Sun 29-Oct-17 13:32:24

I don't see why your anger with the adoptive parent should affect the child. She has the right to know that she has a half sibling. When the children are old they can decide whether or not they want to meet each other. It's not your choice.