Gransnet forums



(27 Posts)
NanKate Tue 31-Oct-17 14:35:33

I am a non church going Christian who tries to live by Christian values. However I am shocked with my feelings of hatred and revenge I have for two people who have caused one of my family deep distress, mental cruelty and humiliation. It has affected me and DH too and we are only just keeping our heads above water.

I do not want to go further into the details of what has happened but my mind is full of ways to seek revenge. Words I would like to use when I am confronted by them. I feel ashamed at my thoughts and my need to seek redress for their cruel actions.

Of course I won't do anything as other close family members are involved.

Have any of you sought revenge and did it help ?

Alima Tue 31-Oct-17 14:53:00

Oh NanKate I know how you feel! How I wanted to kill the bar...d who caused my DD2 so much pain and anguish. How frightened we were for her wellbeing (and safety) and our baby grandsons’. She has been safely away from him for over two years and in that time my feelings have calmed. Initially the anger and hatred were palpable, the thoughts in my head about getting rid of the evil sh... are gone. Although I know that sort of thinking would not achieve anything and was detrimental to my own health it was how it was.
You and your DH, stay strong and stay together. I hope your family member affected by this will get through this awful time and be all the stronger.

Luckygirl Tue 31-Oct-17 14:55:31

Do not feel ashamed for being human and having such feelings. I am sure we would all feel the same.

kittylester Tue 31-Oct-17 14:56:47

(((hugs))) Kate.

There is one person, not much in our lives now, upon whom I wish all sorts of awful things (bet lots of you can guess who!)

I daren't say the things to anyone else except dh in case talking about them makes them happen.

The best revenge is to be happy and help the other people be happy too. And, the awful things I wish would actually hurt the other people involved iyswim so not really a good idea.

I've found the hurt they caused lessens after time. flowers

kittylester Tue 31-Oct-17 14:58:18

And, what Alima said! It does he better for everyone - really!

kittylester Tue 31-Oct-17 14:58:37

He - get!!

vampirequeen Tue 31-Oct-17 14:59:25

What you're feeling is perfectly natural. When my sister's husband had an affair and left (not his choice) I desperately wanted bad things to happen to him. Every time I heard that there was a problem on the Kings Cross line due to a suicide I hoped it was him. I also wished he'd jump in the Thames. In fact, I wished everything that was horrible on him.

Time passed and life moved on. I've never forgiven him and I sometimes wonder what I'd say if I met him but the initial anger/hatred has gone.

vampirequeen Tue 31-Oct-17 15:03:52

My sister did take some revenge though. He had a lot of expensive clothes. She arranged for him to collect them on a particular day which he agreed to. She carefully folded every item and put them in black bin bags. She phoned him to check he was coming and he said he was. Then she put one wet sock in the middle of each bag. Needless to say he didn't come to collect them. She put them in a spare bedroom and gave them to him three months later when he finally came to collect them. Apparently some of the clothes were very mouldy but no one could work out why. If only he'd collected the day he said he was coming but then he could never keep his word

My sister never regretted it.

Anniebach Tue 31-Oct-17 15:11:33

NanKate, when we have been hurt or betrayed , Christian or not we are angry so don't try to deny your feelings. Taking revenge is a step further and if you choose to do this quite probably you will feel more unhappy.

If it will help you then a short letter saying their actions have caused much distress ? But this could lead to them getting on the defensive and replying and so more hurt.

Revenge is not helpful , if possible leave them out of your lives and let time pass.

You will heal x

kittylester Tue 31-Oct-17 16:08:16

You know, Kate, we are always ready to listen to any moans, groans, chunters, swearing etc. Don't say anything to them though - just smile sweetly.

I imagine everyone will be aware that I was talking about the Idiot. We made a mistake and were less than welcoming to his latest woman. She has caused an awful lot of conflict and we wonder whether things would have been different had we been nicer. And, to be fair, she wasn't the one with whom he was having an affair or the next one, or the next one!

We need phoenix's curse really!!

NanKate Tue 31-Oct-17 16:21:17

Thanks All and Kitty who knows about my problems, these past few days have been horrendous. I only slept for 4 hours last night so haven't been at my best today.

Thanks for giving me permission to swear they are F** Scumbags and I wish them the worst. However as you and the other kind GNs have said revenge will get me nowhere.

It is so hard seeing someone you love being treated so badly.

I wonder if one day the two F.Ss. will get their comeuppance I am going to do everything I can to live long enough to witness it.

Can the F.Ss join the Idiot in the Hall of B*******s Kitty?

So gratefully to you all for listening. It's great to have virtual friends. flowers

humptydumpty Tue 31-Oct-17 16:27:53

George Herbert, who was an Anglican priest, said living well is the best revenge. I do feel, though I know just what rage feels like, that it damages you more than the object of the rage.

kittylester Tue 31-Oct-17 16:29:20

That's sad Kate - swear away - lots of us will join in!!

Honestly, it does get easier but the other people who are hurt need you to be strong now which I found helps.

When I was volunteering at the library one of the computer sign ins was 'Bar Steward' (I have no idea why!) if anyone forgot it I would just say 'My ex son in law' and much hilarity would ensure.

Nonnie Tue 31-Oct-17 16:38:58

Nankate what a nerve you have hit today! Oh yes, I feel just like you but, just like you, won't do any of the things I would like to. DH feels even more strongly than me and I feel very strongly. It is bad enough when someone does something to yourself but when they are also hurting innocent children it makes you want to do all sorts of horrible things.

WE can'e help the thoughts which come into our mind but we can decide on the right course of action, or inaction.

I do hope that those who say 'what goes around comes around' or karma are right. We will bide our time and hope that the only bad person in our lives will get their comeuppance.

NanKate Tue 31-Oct-17 16:48:16

Nonnie how I agree with you. An innocent 6 and 4 year old are going to have their world turned upside down and I can't do anything about it.

Let's band together and form Grans/Nans/etc against selfish, cruel and self absorbed people.

MesMopTop Tue 31-Oct-17 16:52:15

NanKate, it's perfectly fine to be enraged and ready to rip people's heads off, whether Christian or otherwise. I do believe your God has it covered though, "as ye sow, so shall you reap". I do think he will sort it all out for you, in his good time. Hoping your family all recover from this doon, best wishes 💐

morethan2 Tue 31-Oct-17 17:03:01

I felt like this about the drug dealing, controlling waste of space who convinced my 16 year old daughter to run away with him, get pregnant and lead her a miserable existence for 15 years. I have never felt such strong hatred. I didn’t know it was possible. The horrible thoughts were dragged from depths of wickedness I never thought I possessed. It made me feel like a awful person. I dreamt of jumping for joy on his grave. The mammoth effort it took to be nice to him took every once of strength I had. I did it so I was able to have a relationship with my daughter and the children. When she finally escaped one of the things he said was “but your mum likes me” I think I deserve an Oscar because honestly once when he walked in front of my car my foot really hovered over the accelerator. These feelings sucked all the energy out of me and looking back they were a complete waste of time the only person they harmed was me and my immediate family who witnessed my madness. My daughter has made another life but despite all my efforts both her and the children are emotionally damaged. Eight year on I never think about him really. I have no real feelings at all. Apart from a certain amount of smugness at hearing that his life is miserable. I know it doesn’t feel normal to have these hateful thoughts and feeling but it is. Whats not normal is to act on them. Try not to make the same mistake as me and waste too much precious time brooding because these feelings are so strong they can take over most of your daily life and suck the joy out of everything. Phew think I need a gin now to settle my nerves.

Christinefrance Tue 31-Oct-17 17:11:54

I can sympathise morethan2 I did the same thing and it was only my husband pulling the steering wheel that made me miss. NanKate try writing a letter to the person concerned saying all the things you feel then have a grand burning ceremony with a large G & T in your hand. Don't leave the letter lying about though.
I hope things get better for you and your family soon.

Wheniwasyourage Tue 31-Oct-17 18:12:29

Your feelings are natural and you shouldn't let them make you feel that you are the one who is in the wrong here flowers

Please don't think that I am trying to make light of what you are going through, but I did hear of a good revenge ploy which I was very tempted to use on the evil neighbour who had made DS & family miserable for years (after they had finally moved out). What you do is send for all sorts of brochures for incontinence garments, stairlifts, walk-in showers and anything else totally inappropriate that you can find and just hope he ends up feeling paranoid. Even better if you can add his phone number. Childish, I know, but even the thought was satisfying. wink

annsixty Tue 31-Oct-17 18:16:31

Oh NanKate how I feel for you but feel helpless to know what to say.
You are in a terrible situation affecting your loved ones.
Just imagine what you would like to do to them, that is ok, I have done this myself on a few occasions, I know I would never have carried out any of them, I would be incapable but it's nice to dream.
I wish you all well and that you will all cope with your own feelings and those of the dear children.

Jalima1108 Tue 31-Oct-17 18:19:05

Your feelings are normal NanKate and such actions can bring out feelings of revenge in the best of us if someone close to us is hurt.

One piece of advice I read (which I notice other posters advise too) was to write it all down, perhaps in a letter to the people who caused so much anguish, pour out your feelings of hatred and revenge - but then do not post it.
Seal it up and put it somewhere or burn it.

Then give all the love and support you can to the person who was on the receiving end.

Best wishes.

HeyHo Tue 31-Oct-17 20:30:27

Be careful - what you wish sometimes happens.... I was married to a terrible person, a vicious liar, cheat and thief. It took me many years to get into a situation where I could free myself of him.

His daughter stayed with me to finish her education, and we used to draw cartoons of him, jump up and down on them and burn them on the fire......

No one was more surprised than me when I learnt he had died very suddenly in only his mid 50's.......

marpau Tue 31-Oct-17 21:33:10

I always say every dog has its day and this usually happens I do not agree with my DH who thinks I have witch like powers and cause misfortune to certain people!

Anya Tue 31-Oct-17 21:38:02

Your feelings are very natural NanKate - especially when someone hurts someone we love. I don’t know about revenge though, as acting on these feelings can hurt us more than we realise and change us.

So accept that you hate them, and look on then with disgust and loathing but don’t act. Instead sublimate this. Write them a letter telling them exactly how you feel about their actions, then set fire to it and put it in the compost, or flush it down the loo (and then with it)

That might help you get these feeling out from inside yourself, where they can physically and emotionally harm you.


Anya Tue 31-Oct-17 21:38:53

That should read (and them with it)