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AIBU to be suspicious?

(69 Posts)
Tooyoungytobeagrandma Wed 03-Jan-18 21:41:57

Background: married 36yrs, 2 children one married one still at home (in their 20's). When I had my first child I stepped down from my career at the time to do the majority of childcare with a view to returning asap. My OH at the time considered his career more important despite no intentions of moving up the ladder. Anyway move on to present day and we are living like separate people. He is retiring on company pension at end of this year, I still have 7 years to go before I get my state pension. I stepped down a couple of grades when had first child then got made redundant so no pension. I have found out that he had opened accounts with our children to "hide" £s from the taxmen but think he is hiding money so that should something happen to him I can't get it! He pays mortgage, bills and food I top up with my part time money and the rest of my income keeps me in clothes, pays for my vehicle etc. He takes home 10x what I do and hides £s bit I don't know how much or where. We get a cheque from his parents once a year from bonus' but I never get any of it or know what he does with it. I want to leave as I spend most evenings/weekends alone but am not in a strong financial position. I think this latest idea is more about stopping me getting my hands on any money should anything happen to him/us AIBU?

Yellowmellow Fri 05-Jan-18 01:34:13

Fantastic advice Telly

ajanela Fri 05-Jan-18 01:38:02

Toyoungto be a grandma I just read all your posts, so sad I send you a hug. I worry that your depression is not helping. Another big hug to help you get a little zest back in your life.

I hope writing all this down is good therapy and is helping. you clarify your thoughts and all these lovely peoples guidance will help. {flowers}

Starlady Fri 05-Jan-18 04:31:50

Tooyoung, I don't think you're bu to be suspicious. But I think there's more at stake here. Obviously, this marriage has been in trouble from early on. You deserve better. I hope you seek that legal advice asap. And some help for your depression. Best of luck to you!

loopyloo Fri 05-Jan-18 08:37:09

No I don't think you are being unreasonable. I think you should start being as clever and devious as he appears to have been.
I do think you should see your G P about feeling so down. Then start to do research about your situation. As people have suggested CAB etc. Why should he be retiring and having a great time when you are struggling to carry on working?
Building your own social life is great idea. Things can change for the better.

pinkwallpaper Fri 05-Jan-18 09:17:26

Do not hope for legal aid, there is no such thing these days unless you can prove domestic violence.

palliser65 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:22:52

This is a new year and you have decisions to make. Is this a marriage? is it a relationship? is it a business agreement? what are you getting out of it? where do you want to be in 5 years time? Think hard about your life. On the basis of information supplied by you i wouldn't consider i was in a marriage or a relationship. There's no evidence of care, team work, communication, shared activities. You'll be eligible for half everything including his pension. Take some advice and think about your future life. Very many best wishes for 2018.

Cabbie21 Fri 05-Jan-18 09:45:10

OP, did you follow the link I gave to CAB’s advice on marriage breakdown and your rights?
To be honest, I reckon this is what you will get, tailored to your circumstances, if you go to CAB, and the advice to see a solicitor.
CAB are great, but have limited resources. As far as the financial side is concerned the advice will be limited, but you have rights to both a share of the home and finances, probably 50:50.
Before you see a solicitor, gather as much information as you can, and prepare some questions. Before a divorce reaches the courts, the couple is expected to have tried mediation, which can save a lot of money in the end.

Yorkshiregirl Fri 05-Jan-18 19:31:27

Anyone got a Fitbit? If so which one, and do tbey record your food intake/calories if required. Recommendations please

Willow500 Sat 06-Jan-18 07:41:25

I don't really have any other advise to the excellent suggestions made already - your situation is very sad. I really would be tempted to tell your children the whole story though and also as has been said start playing him at his own game. Open a new account in your own name and squirrel away as much as you can afford each month. Don't leave the marital home, seek advise via CAB and stop paying out for anything he will benefit from. If he is retiring soon does this mean he is much older than you hence his reference to 'anything happening to him'?

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Sat 06-Jan-18 12:15:24

Hello everyone. I have looked at the links you have kindly provided and have started to look through his paperwork in the office. Sadly there is not much there as he shreds most mail. I have found an account and taken through details and think I need to make note of the different banks/building society letters that arrive in the post. It's difficult tone talk to the kids as they can't see anything wrong with him puttingpneumatic away and think it's sensible as they will most likely benefit. I do wonder how they will react once he is found to have hidden funds from me (which I really think he has) if/when solicitor gets involved. They are both happy that he is in a position to help them financially so would not want to jeopardise that (I hope I am wrong). I have some time off soon so will make an appt to go to CAB then go from there. I do wonder where my relationship with my children will be once I start but they are adults and I need a life before mine ends. Thank you again for your comments flowers

Starlady Sat 06-Jan-18 13:55:16

Of course, your ac think it's great that your oh is putting money away for them. They probably don't realize that he does it without discussing it or the amounts with you. Or they think it's ok because your relationship with him has always been one-sided and they are used to it.

I hope you're not trying to convince them their dad is "wrong" and pull them in the middle. That wouldn't be fair to them, imo. They may be drawn into the middle a bit once a solicitor is in the picture, but that can't be helped. The point is, you, personally, shouldn't be dragging them in or trying to get them to side with you.

"I do wonder where my relationship with my children will be once I start but they are adults and I need a life before mine ends."

I doubt that your life will be ending any time soon. But all the more reason why you need to make sure you're financially set and find some happiness. You're right about your ac - you don't know how they will view the situation, etc. But would they like it if you ended up financially dependent on them? You need to take care of yourself, and I'm glad you are.

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Sat 06-Jan-18 17:17:32

Starlady I am not trying to put my children in a difficult position hence not wanting to question them too much re my oh finances and what they know. I found out about their joint account with their father last week by accident when one of them mentioned it in conversation not realising I didn't know. If he was not doing something underhand why did he not tell me hence me being suspicious. As I posted earlier the more I write down and think about other things the more concerned I am. My children are adults so they can make up their own minds and no way would I want to become financially reliant on them as I do not expect them to still be financially reliant on us, they both work. Hopefully I have more years ahead of me but I have definitely lived more than I have left wink and would like to look forward to a secure retirement.

Jaxie Mon 08-Jan-18 07:19:41

I was in a very similar position to Tooyoungtobeagrandma for 25 years of my married life. I had no idea what my husband earned, and because I had my children before I started a proper career, had absolutely no money of my own, no bank account and had to beg for money for a pair of tights or if the children needed shoes. I made my own and my daughter's clothes. I remember putting toiletries back on the shelf in shops because I didn't have enough cash to pay for them. I had no earning capacity at all, so I did A levels at evening class and went off to university as a mature student to get a qualification to enable me to get a job that paid. After some years of juggling a family, a full time job, care of elderly relatives I discovered my husband was having an affair with a colleague. He was also reading the lesson at church on a Sunday! I immediately started divorce proceedings which put the fear of God in him, as I was told by the lawyer that because of the age of my youngest child I should get 70% of our assets. In the end we stayed married. When friends ask me why I tell them it's because I had been extremely poor as a child, and I never wanted to be poor again. I still suffer feelings of humiliation and pain, but we don't live together much of the time. I threatened divorce once again when I retired, as I wished to live in the South rather than the Midlands. When he refused to move he suddenly found the money he'd been salting away to buy me a house where I wanted to live. He visits every six weeks or so or I go north to see family members. We have an awkward relationship: he doesn't make me feel good about myself BUT after all those poverty- stricken years of our marriage he now parts with a substantial allowance ( half his monthly pension ) to me. I ask myself if he had a stroke and couldn't look after himself would I care for him? No, as I was disposable when he wanted to leave me for his mistress. I hate not having a husband who should be my best friend, but who is grumpy, gloomy and showing signs of gagadom ( he's 5 years older than I). I have some good friends: he hasn't one. He won't go on holiday, he never takes me out for a meal, he's a poor companion. We have no social life together, so why do I put up with him? I think he represents a kind of security as I was brought up in a single parent family in the 40's & 50's which was difficult. Friends tell me most marriages have problems such as mine. I wouldn't want a dopey adoring husband who gave in to my every whim, but I wish I had one who wasn't what my mother would call " a small parcel". Got that off my chest now Gransnetters and feel better for it. My advice is start divorce proceedings and bring your husband to his senses: it will force the issue one way or another.

Molly10 Mon 08-Jan-18 11:00:54

Well done for finding your feet and voice, Jaxie

Tooyoung - wise idea to note mail details as they are delivered but remember that many accounts these days are on line. If you say he locks himself away at night and he has a computer or laptop in there he is almost definitely doing something on line/spreadsheets etc.

If you are a little computer savvy or know someone who is and they can be trusted, then, if you are able to, have a look at his browser history. That could give you a good indication of what he is doing. Also, check "recently visited" on the computer programs, and even if the file is password protected at least you will get file details.

You may find he is arrogant enough not to password protect them.

WilmaKnickersfit Mon 08-Jan-18 11:49:02

Jaxie flowers

Good luck with the next steps tooyoungtobeagrandma.

Tooyoungytobeagrandma Tue 09-Jan-18 20:33:50

I'm on it ladies wink many thanks flowers

holdingontometeeth Sun 14-Jan-18 12:32:38

What a mean, selfish, self centred and indeed heartless B**** your husband is.
Just because he has no sexual interest in you does not mean that he does not show interest in others.
Depression has been mentioned by posters and I sincerely hope that you have discussed this with your doctor.
You say that you do not cook for the waster or do his washing, but then hint that you may do because it isn't worth the fall out ( consequencies? )
If these fall outs mean that he is causing you to adapt your behaviour to accommodate his wishes as you feel threatened or bullied, either physically or emotionally, then this comes under the definition of domestic violence.
Phone the Police and ask for their attendance. If they are worth their salt they should see that he leaves the house, even if it is only overnight.
Ask for a log number and date it for the time and date you made the call.
Record the collar numbers of the officers who attend and the nature and outcome of the problem.
This will show the bully that you have immediate (ish!) help at hand.
Show these details to your solicitor.
Official looking mail addressed to your husband I would open up and record details and then destroy them, denying all knowledge should your H ask if they had been delivered.
This is by far from fool proof, as if he is so devious he could be having mail sent elsewhere.
Once you have accumulated as much evidence of his accounts as you can get see a solicitor.
Just before the s* hits the fan speak to your children together and let them know what a life that you have endured.
They are now adults and you should not have to fear shielding them from life's realities.
Hopefully they wont be swayed by his financial contributions to their lives.
You deserve better than he has or is indeed willing to give to you, so go for it.
Be strong, and be successful.

SiobhanSharpe Mon 22-Jan-18 11:34:23

Hi Op, I just wanted to add that if your husband thinks he is hiding money from the taxman by giving it to your children he is sadly mistaken, unless he lives for seven years after the gifts of money -- if not it will still be counted as part of his estate for inheritance tax (currently at 40 percent on estates larger than £325,000) purposes.
So if for example he is now 72 and dies before he is 79 those gifts will be subject to IHT unless his estate is below £325,000.
However, an enitre estate passing from one spouse to another after the death of the first spouse is not liable for inheritance tax at all.