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Daughter wants to move home

(123 Posts)
damek1ndness Tue 30-Jan-18 21:36:09

So my DD is 30 and lives as a single mum with 5 yr old grandson. I live in the old Family home with my partner of 10 years. We work full time and have a quiet happily sedate life at home. Financially we manage OK The house has two attic rooms - it’s not an enormous house by any means but there’s enough room we can potter about and have room to breathe. Last child moved out 2 years ago We are a lucky generation to have good housing, a mortgage, free higher education etc

My DD works full time in a reasonably paid job - but the rents in our area are very high and they live in a tiny damp flat. I hate going round there because quite honestly it makes me feel guilty

She is quite low at the moment and wants a breathing space to save and get herself in a better position. She’s asked to come back and live at home for a couple of years - using the attic rooms. She last lived at home about 7 yrs ago and it wasn’t easy - she can be spiky and difficult and we can rub each other up the wrong way (we fell out 48 hours into a holiday a few years ago !)

I’m caught between being a mum wanting to help - but selfishly also afraid of disturbing the peace and tranquility I’ve only just got. Realistically there’s room if I do a lot of throwing out of junk

She’s full of promises about how we will negotiate the arrangements, that she’s matured - but I’m not entirely convinced.

I haven’t even started a discussion with my partner about it.

AIBU to be so reluctant?

Coconut Wed 31-Jan-18 10:13:05

If it was me I could not say no when my DD needed help. However, I would have a long chat about ground rules, voice any fears etc and chat about being able to discuss any issues calmly without any angst. She is a mother now, so will have changed to a degree and neither of you want any aggravation in your life with a little child around.

radicalnan Wed 31-Jan-18 10:13:31

Loneliness is the biggest problem we face as a society but when the opportunity comes to be together we seem resistant.

I have had one of mine back 3 times, maybe more and to all of mine, the door is always open.

It can be hell of course at times...but then so is loneliness.

Hm999 Wed 31-Jan-18 10:27:54

My daughter is much the same age, and moved back in 2 yrs ago for health reasons. It is incredibly hard work, for both of us. Physically moving her whole flat of stuff into my little place was hell. We've always got on well, but this has really affected our relationship, present and I believe in the future too.

Given a perfect world I would have her move into a nice little flat nearby. Is there any chance that your dd and dgs could upgrade their flat with your financial help? Lastly do you 2 have any intention of downsizing in the foreseeable future?

grandtanteJE65 Wed 31-Jan-18 10:28:42

First: is having your daughter and grandchild living in the house going to cause problems between you and your partner? If it will, you need to either say no to DD or consider very carefully whether helping her is more important than your relationship with your partner.

Second: can she just move into your two attic rooms, or will they need alterations or re-decorating that is going to cause you expense?

How will an adult daughter living in the house affect your income tax situation? Here in Denmark it would up your taxes, but I don't know the situation in the UK. Will you need to ask for rent to satisfy demands from the Inland revenue?

If you do decide (you and your partner, I mean) to let her share your house, then follow some of the wise suggestions about timeframe, savings account instead of a rent book etc.

Please do check whether you can legally request her to move out again before the end of the time period you agree on, and whether you can be held responsible if she gets into debt while living under your roof. Also will her living in her mother's house affect her family allowance for the child, or any other benefits.

auntbett Wed 31-Jan-18 10:31:02

I had always said to my son that the door would always be open.... He was a dratted nuisance as a teenager and even in his 20s but at least he wanted to move around and see the world. That was all right until he met someone who was to cause havoc in all our lives. Cut to the chase, yes the door was open and he came back after a breakdown and stayed in his room for almost 5 years. Talk about treading on egg shells. Last March he announced that he was moving out, was starting a nursing course and was sharing a house with an old school mate - he was gone in a day. It has been a terrible ride but I feel that he did at least have the stability he needed after a series of events that would send anyone half insane, ending up with profound depression. I'm glad I did it now. It's a personal thing. I found it impossible to impose the boundaries we set in the beginning - he was depressed, I was fraught - but in the end it was more stressful retaining the boundaries than going along with what happened on any particular day. It's easy to set boundaries when you're observing from the outside! Good Luck damek1indness - follow your inner voice.

GabriellaG Wed 31-Jan-18 10:31:26

Me? I'd say no, having a 'spikey' daughter myself.
You? I'd say a qualified yes.
There will always be guilt...whetger you can successfully submerge those feelings, only you will know, however, there would have to be firm rules in place.
If your D were to occupy the attic rooms you would need to thrash out the following issues.
How much time she can spend (if any) in your space.
Will you be babysitting? very careful here.
Will she be contributing to bills, which could rocket?
Will she eat with you and, if not, will she clean up after cooking?
Will she buy her own food and where would it be kept?
Would you be annoyed to find that she'd used something that you were planning for your own meal?
If your grandson was ill, who would take time off work to look after him?
Would your daughter be free to bring friends or her son's playmates, 'home'?

I think I've talked myself out of advising the 'yes' version.
Think about washing, if she leaves wet stuff in and you need to use the machine.
Think about bathroom cleaning rotas.
Think about saying NO

Nannymarg53 Wed 31-Jan-18 10:39:43

My middle son asked to move in with me last year after he separated from his partner. I’d previously downsized as there was only me and my youngest son at home and he worked away during the week anyway. So we agreed that middle son could move in and use the attic room. However, because he’s so untidy and had masses of belongings he decided he hated it in the attic room so came down to sleep on the sofa bed in the conservatory. After a few nights he hated that because it was too cold in there so he bed shared with his younger brother - ms slept in that bed during the week then back into the conservatory at the weekend when youngest son came home. The mess that MS made and his belongings everywhere drove me mad. I love him dearly but he’s untidy and bombastic and took over the whole house. In the end our relationship broke down badly and I had to send him to live with his father and stepmother, who thankfully had just moved into a much bigger house at the same time. They tell me he’s no trouble and keeps his things tidy etc! Honeymoon period I’m sure! I so regret letting him move in with me. Our relationship is still difficult. It’s not an easy decision to make. My youngest son is such a different character and personality than middle son and although I had a close relationship with ms before he moved back it’s drifted sadly. Food for thought sad

justwokeup Wed 31-Jan-18 10:41:06

This happened to us, although DGS was younger. DH was reluctant to let go of his peace and quiet but could not say no. It worked out really well, built up a lovely relationship with DGS, and we were both sorry to see them go. Extended families living together were the norm at one time. If their flat is damp and small it would be a no-brainer for me - how could you refuse because of what might be? Give it a go and think positive!

GabriellaG Wed 31-Jan-18 10:46:27

Your comments on this thread humbled me. I can be either black or white in my views but you clearly have softer edges and are, IMO, what being a mum is all about. You're a great example.
I second your reply to paddyann.

Hilmix Wed 31-Jan-18 10:53:57

I think the deciding factor for me would be the need to get my grandchild out of a damp flat.. .You and your daughter could surely work something out regarding rules of the house.
As regards your peace and quiet, how much peace would you have knowing that you had said No to your child in need? It won't be for ever. Set a reasonable time frame and work out her budget for saving, maybe?
Who knows? You may end up not wanting them to leave ?

Nannarose Wed 31-Jan-18 10:54:40


Ask her to budget, see how much she can save, and find out when she expects to move out. Then, if I could cope with that, I would say yes, get her to help with the clear out, and make house rules (as far as possible with a 5 year old!).
It sounds as if they could be quite self-contained in those attic rooms.

Veronica72 Wed 31-Jan-18 10:57:36

I agree with paddyann- children are for life, no matter how difficult. We’ve had fraught relationships at times with all of ours All have left and come home again on more than one occasion. It wasn’t always easy and sometimes I couldn’t wait for them to move out again! But we’re so glad we stuck it out through the tough times. We have a strong relationship with all of them - they know we’re always here for them, no matter what. We’re doing the reverse right now - have moved in with DD to support her and her family through a mental health relapse. There are no words to say how stressful it is but to us there’s no question of doing anything else. It may be more difficult for you as your partner isn’t her dad and of course you’d have to agree it with him and have clear ground rules from the beginning about shared space and private space, what you can put up with and what you can’t. Wishing you all the best with your decision. Hope it all works out well.

icanhandthemback Wed 31-Jan-18 10:59:14

That's a really difficult one. I have an extremely spiky DD who I love to bits but find her terribly difficult to keep happy as I don't seem to conform to her expectations. However, she is talking about moving back in with me bringing her family too whilst they are waiting for their new house to become ready. We are both aware of the difficulties involved especially as she left home at 18 in high dudgeon. Part of me wants to say no especially as DH finds her difficult to cope with but the other part of me says, she's my daughter and I have to do my best by her especially as her siblings have had their fair share of returning home periodically.
It has taken a vast amount of soul searching and I have agreed to her coming home as it is only for a couple of months and I am hoping she will see she is treated the same as her siblings but I have to be honest, if it were for a greater length of time, I may well have made another decision.

Gemmag Wed 31-Jan-18 11:01:43

I could never say no, tiny damp flat never!.

Bathsheba Wed 31-Jan-18 11:03:03

Anniebach flowers

eazybee Wed 31-Jan-18 11:04:33

Understandably you are worried about your daughter and grandson, but your initial reaction to her proposal is one of dismay, and I think you should follow your instinct.
Your daughter is unhappy, but she is not destitute, or undergoing a life-changing trauma. It sounds as though she wants a break, at your expense, financially and emotionally; it sounds as though it would disrupt your pleasant, secure and hard-won life which you have created by your own efforts. Don't feel guilty about it; why should you?
You need to ask some hard questions.
Is she able to get a better job and earn more money?
Does the father of her child contribute financially?
How much would you have to do, and how much would it cost, to make the two attic rooms into a home for them?
Would you be able to share a kitchen happily, for two years?
How much does she realistically expect to save, and how much would she contribute to your household expenses?
Would you seriously be able to demand evidence of her savings account as a condition of her living there?
And finally, what about your partner; what is his position in all this?
Is there any way you could help her financially to move to somewhere better, without having to disrupt your life?

Lilyflower Wed 31-Jan-18 11:14:37

Your daughter will upset relations between yourself and your partner of ten years if you allow her and her child into your home. She will revert to teenage behaviour and resent your rules. You'll be caught between your partner and daughter trying to justify each to the other with no hope of succeeeding.

The best way forward is to help her in other ways with rent or childcare and sympathy.

Aepgirl Wed 31-Jan-18 11:18:02

How sad. Since when does our comfortable life and lovely home come before the happiness and health (you say her flat is damp) of a daughter and grandson? Surely with a few ground rules you can come up with a solution. You must of course ensure that your daughter really us saving for a place of her own.

Pam13 Wed 31-Jan-18 11:23:34

Does this have to be an 'either/or situation?
Why is her flat damp? Is it because it is not properly ventilate in which case she can do something about it.
If it is because of the state of the building then the relevant department of the local council should be contacted to see what can be done to help.

ReadyMeals Wed 31-Jan-18 11:25:26

I spose you have to weigh the possibility of losing your daughter because you said no, against the possibility of losing her because having her living back home caused you to fall out. Sorry, I am a bit gloomy about all this cutting-off stuff that seems to happen so much sad Might work better if you had a way you could arrange the house so she had self-contained accommodation? Can it be split somehow?

MaluCatchu1 Wed 31-Jan-18 11:26:14

My DS moved back in when his relationship broke down almost 5 years ago after being away for almost as long - we didn't hesitate to welcome him back. He's moved out again now. My DD also moved back in 3 years ago after being away for 2, and I'll admit at times it has been fraught and I couldn't wait for them to go again, which she has also now done. They are my children whatever their age and it is my role in life to be their parent until I die, to support and help them in any way I can and this is what I do. It was hard at times but we wouldn't hesitate if they needed to come back again, although I have my fingers crossed this doesn't happen!

Daisydoo2 Wed 31-Jan-18 11:35:36

We are in week 4 of my daughter, husband and 2 children living with us because their house is being renovated. We love them all dearly but it is difficult... lots of personalities and must admit it is my daughter who can be very prickly.. to say the least. If you say yes to them staying then think hard about ground rules and give each other time out regularly to avoid the hothouse feeling. If you really can't face them living with you then say so, you don't need to feel guilty. You can support her in other ways. Be honest with yourself and her, better that way before you all fall out for good. Good luck.

GabriellaG Wed 31-Jan-18 11:45:49

If her flat is rented from the council, they gave a duty to bring it up to standard and rehouse her in the meantime. She should see her doctor to gets letter say g it's affecting her and her son's health.
If it's a privately rented property, then the agents or landlord are the ones to contact and get the local Environmental Health department to make a visit to clarify what must be done and they will email the landlord with instructions and a time-frame. There can be fines if the landlord ignores official edicts.

GabriellaG Wed 31-Jan-18 11:47:08

* have not gave.

Kisathecat Wed 31-Jan-18 11:48:49

I don’t know how you could not help, a couple of years is nothing in the grand scheme of things and these kind of situations can be gifts that help us to grow. Maybe you will be surprised and find your daughter has indeed matured and your relationship can move on to the next level. And don’t forget you might be the one that needs her one day!