Daughter wants to move home

Thank you all for taking the time to give me such lovely and thoughtful responses.
I should say that her flat isn't awful - its a bit small and a bit damp. Its in a reasonable area and within walking distance of our house. The reality of renting nowadays is that its stupidly expensive for stupidly little. She earns 30K a year which is a fair salary but I suppose once you take out rent and a commute to London there's not much left. Already helping out as much as we can with childcare (Im working full time in a challenging career that often requires extra hours)

She is I think lonely - though some of that is because she finds it difficult to maintain friendships but she argues she doesn't have the time or money to nurture them. My GS is of course lovely - and he loves being here when he does stay.

My house is a bog standard 2 bedroom terrace with a loft converted into a couple of smallish rooms. Wouldn't really be possible to make them very self contained - but to be honest she leaves for work at 7am and gets back about 7pm in the week with wrap round childcare.

Finances not a huge problem - Im the breadwinner and though we don't have holidays or massive cars - we pay our bills on time etc.

Lots to think about !

Nothing you do will remove the FACT that she is 'living at home' again and despite her very BEST intentions she will begin to be your child again. You could all cope for a SHORT and clearly limited time but not for this 'sometime'. Sorry to be so definite about this but been there done it and we've all got the scars. Maybe you and partner can help in other ways - financially and with finding a place - I guess you are both 'older and wiser' in the property knowledge area.

Your daughter is proposing a temporary moving-in, for 'a couple of years'. That's a bit vague. As is 'she can be spiky'.

I think you need to be clear about timeframes, so that the end-date is pretty much set from the start. And her spikiness must be controlled by her, no ifs no buts.

The problem I foresee is that you are living in what you call 'the family home' - so, where she was in the daughter role. It is all too easy, in these circumstances, for you and your daughter to slip straight back into that old relationship, where she reverts to spiky teenager and you to despairing mum. You would both have to put effort into not allowing that to happen. For this to work, she needs to shift from daughter to mother, and you to shift from mother to hosting grandmother. Has she ever lived under the same roof as your partner? This might assist in setting the boundaries, changes it from the original household.

'The family home' isn't the family home any more; that is the difficulty. It is your and your partner's home now. Has it been redecorated since she was last there? That might help her to 'disconnect' a bit, see it not as 'her' home, but her mother's home that she is paying an extended visit to.

I think you would like to host her - you hate where she's living, but you are worried about her spikiness. The only way you can allay your worries is to have a THOROUGH discussion with her. Prepare yourself for this discussion; sit down with pen and paper and think through everything - and I mean, everything. And write it down. The practical stuff, the emotional stuff. You don't need to share this with her, but I find it helps to clarify my thoughts if I see them in front of me, in black and white. It forces me to put words to my thoughts, and this can really help me see exactly what my problems are.

Include stuff like
- how much will she be saving each month?
- how much will be enough, how long will that take?
-what are her plans - deposit to buy, or rent somewhere nicer?
- Grandson is 5, what about schools?
- Her financial contribution to your household costs.
- Eating together or separately?
- Who cooks?
- Tidiness.
- Can one attic room be a private sitting room, not just a bedroom; to give you both space?
- Her spikiness.
- Your contentment with your present arrangement.
- How your partner will be affected.

And obviously a whole lot more.

I think of you can address your fears of your life being turned upside-down, and she can acknowledge that and behave accordingly, it could work. But you need to think it through and have extensive discussions with both your daughter and your partner on how you will ALL make it work.

If your daughter intends to save for better accommodation, that could take more than 2 years. If she could save £1000 a month, would £24,000 be enough deposit to buy a property in your area?

So you will have to decide if you can live with her for a long time as you didn't seem to get on that well when she used to live at home or on holiday. Your partner needs to fully agree to it too as you have made your home with him now. How would you feel if it was one of his children who was asking to stay? Maybe have her over for a month, initially, while she still keeps the flat on as well, as a trial, to see how it would work out.

If you do decide to accept her then she still needs to pay her way - buy and cook her own food, pay for extra utilities used and do her own washing, childcare etc. Keep your lounges separate and everyone sort out their own mess as she will be bringing a lot with her. Does she have her own furniture from the flat? She will, at least, have lots of household goods of her own.

Maybe she could think about renting a better flat now and advertise for a flatmate to help out with costs as an alternative idea if she does not intend to buy in the long term.

Above all, do not become her unpaid home help or free landlord. She chose to be a single mother by not working hard enough on her previous relationship or by choosing an unsuitable previous partner. Does he pay towards the child's keep or have access? Will she also have friends popping over a lot or possible new boyfriends sleeping over? Are there any pets involved in the equation?

She also needs to show you she will be committed to save regularly and not just be coming back for an easy life ( for her maybe, not for you though). Lots of things to discuss first before any commitment is made and you and your partner decide that your desire to help family can override the extra nuisance and clutter for a considerable time to come.

I don't think any of us can advise, it is far too personal. I can only say that when DS & DiL moved in with us (and all their furniture) for 6 months when they were between homes we made it work. Maybe it was because I still did all the washing etc and DH still cooked all the meals therefore we had no conflict in the kitchen

Cannot DD find better/ cheaper accommodation?
If the accommodation is damp then her landlord is liable.
You claim it is not easy having your daughter living with you and with a seven year old ?She IS 30.I do not know your daughter but from what you say she is hardly on the poverty line.
Sorry, but your life is your life.No would be my answer.

As previously said, your children are for life, love and support them however you can. DH and I have had both DS and DD living with us during house move/renovations. More recently DD, Dsil, DGs and 1 week old DGD living with us for 6 months. To say it was the most amazingly satisfying 6months of our lives is an understatement! Missed them terribly whenever they move home but thankfully they are not far away.... next door in fact ?

Nonnie, she did actively ask for opinions, that's why it's on AIBU. I guess she knows there is a risk none of our suggestions will suit her individual situation.

Paddyann
MisAdventure
? ?

What's the alternative to your DD not being able to return home with her child? Think about that - she could end up in all sorts of difficulty - with two attic rooms she could have one as a bedroom shared with her son, and the other as their personal space so they would not be in your lounge interrupting your serenity. I assume they will share the bathroom, but really - would you mind that as you and hubby are both out at work all day and presumably your grandson is on a school timetable. Set firm ground rules - it's your house and you like things to work in a certain way, etc., and if she agrees to these, welcome her and your grandson. Your previous relationship problems must be discussed before you make your offer but if she knows where she stands before she takes the decision to move in. If she shows that she has matured you should have a good chance of a couple of years being part of your grandchild's life.

A difficult call indeed. How many posts on here have we read where us GPs say ‘lovely to spend time with the GC but how lovely to give them back!’. We are older, have earned our peace/quiet or ‘me’ time. That said, this is a request from a daughter living in a grotty place, working & doing her best with what sounds like a degree of depression to compound the situation. The partner of the lady who posts the question may not be at all keen & I can understand that too. As I say, a conundrum. Rules, boundaries & a time frame for saving up? I’m just glad I don’t have this dilemma. Good luck whatever is decided. Perhaps having a ‘time out’ discussion 3 months in, to air any grievances and review the decision might help, especially if all parties know such a discussion will be on the table in 12 weeks might focus best intentions al round?

My daughter moved back in for a short time as was having a few problems with her long term boyfriend,she is now back with him which is good.
But i have always said i would welcome my children back home if needed too.
We never know when we will need help.

I can easily understand your reluctance. Once you're used to peace and quiet and doing your own thing, it's not easy to contemplate someone else in the house, and especially - no matter how much you love them - with a small child, too. And, no matter how much you love them, especially also with someone who's been difficult to live with in the past i

We love having dd and 2 very tiny Gdcs staying, but we're always shattered afterwards, and the house usually looks as if a bomb's hit it - and that's after usually just a couple of nights!

If you decide to go ahead, could you make a more or less self contained space in the attic - aside from k and b, I mean - and set down definite rules - I hate the term 'ground rules' since to me it sounds so bossy - to define strict set times for your own peace and quiet downstairs? E.g every evening after such and such a time. And obviously ditto about mess, meals, clearing up the kitchen, etc.

So much sound advice here but may I add a couple of thoughts/suggestions. Take a good hard look at things from your partner's point of view - how would you feel if your situations were reversed and (theoretically) he were to introduce a similar character into your home. Also, how about charging for rent and utilities then (unbeknownst to your daughter) pay rent payments into an account for her use when she leaves?

You could put it to her that it is likely to be difficult. I think it would help to draw up a contract about anything you can think of. Noise at night - privacy - payments - baby-sitting monthly sit downs to spot potential areas of conflict before they get worse. If you do write it all down, at the end of that you might both realise it would not work anyway

Review after 6 months to see if both parties want to go on with it.

I might be tempted to give DD a monthly allowance to top up her rent for somewhere better instead but I know this would not solve the long term problem she has.

If everything is in writing from the off it is easier to point at it rather than to say X and then other person doesn't remember that being said.

Can you talk to her honestly about the difficulties you had when she previously lived with her and reach an agreement including what would happen if it wasn't working out?
It is always ok to say no and if you feel you need to and I would not be able to live with any of my family again. Two years is quite a long time.
The only reason I would equivocate is the fact that her flat is damp and that she has a 5 year old child living there.
Is there any other way to help like a loan for a flat that is at least not damp?

I allowed my daughter and grandson to move back into my tiny 2 bed terrace when her manlier wanted her house back.... a previous “moving back in” a few years earlier did not work out! However despite she and DGS sharing a tiny room she managed to clear off credit card bills etc and save for a deposit to buy her own place. We managed fine.... however I did allow her to stay rent and bill free and I should have made her contribute as I was left severely out of pocket.... and she got free childminding/dogsitting in tap!
If you allow her to move back in you need to “draw up rules etc” for all of you. The ultimate bonus however is all that extra time you will be able to spend with your grandchild! That is priceless. Good luck.

I really can't see why you would not, to be honest. She obviously needs some help and you are in a position to help. Surely that is what families are all about? As others have said, some guidelines when you start off are essential so that everyone knows where they stand and what is expected.

My son split up with his wife a few months ago, he lives 200 miles away at the moment, but now he has found a job near us, so next week he's moving back in with us, I would never say no, but I am also apprehensive as my H and I have been on our own for 8 yrs now and like having evenings to ourselves. But I also aware it's going to be difficult for my son moving back and living with us. So I think there'll have to be give and take on both parts.

I am wary about joining in with these discussions, because we have never had to make such a decision. I find you all extremely helpful and kind to a huge degree. The only thing that has occurred to me is, if DD and GS come and share the house with damek1ndness, and it doesn't work out after 3months or so, surely the daughter will be in a worse position, as she will have given up her flat. Flats are hard to come by and expensive, and presumably the daughter will not be able to afford to keep the flat on "just in case" as theoretically she will be saving towards a better place for her and her son. I know I would find it terribly hard to share our home with a grown up daughter or son and a grandchild, but what I would do if it came to it in reality is anybodys guess.

We did the same thing 4 years ago, so DD could save for a deposit. I did do laundry, housework, cooking etc because I was at home and it was easier. We got on reasonably well and she’s now married to a lovely man who DGS adores. They were able to pool their resources and buy their own home too. Thinking about this thread, my parents had 5 of us to stay in their two bedroomed house when we moved to this area. It meant we could start our new jobs and the children begin at their new schools. So I suppose we’re just repaying their kindness backwards! ?

Never an easy choice. Both our girls have moved back home in the past.

A couple of things you have going for you this time 1) as someone said your DD is a mother now so has her son to think of too. 2) her present home is less that idea and she wishes to improve on that.

So a reality check (if needed) that you and OH are a very important part of helping here her get to the better life she's hoping for. Or she can go back to what she is wanting to move on from. Facts that you may be didn't have when she was at home before.

I also agree with the folks who said you may regret not helping.

I would have regretted not helping our girls.

No 2 DD was an awful teenager, she came home from a relationship break up. Having her at home went well and was easy apart from the obvious emotional fall out and support.

No1 DD, a very easy teenager, aged 40 at the time of return, SIL and DGD aged 13 months returned to UK from New Zealand after the Christchurch earth quakes with luggage only.

Not such an easy time. Intact surprisingly difficult. Especially as over the years I had spent months in NZ at their home without any difficulties. I was with them for 3 months for the birth of DGD and had gone through the big Christchurch quakes with them so thought it would be easy.

They had PTSD post quakes, very firm views on child rearing that sometimes came across as we knew nothing about bring up children. Plus, what was left of their home was in a container somewhere at sea so moving on was difficult.

Apart from when I was working this was one of the most stressful times of my life.

However, after 8 months they got their life back. They and OH can now see what would have made the time together easier but we all survived and had some lovely times too.

Who knows how it will really go. Good Luck and I hope for you all that you find a successful and peaceful way forward.

My MIL kindly offered my daughters and me a home when my first marriage ended and eventually when hers also ended, we put her up while she attempted to sell her house. It wasn't easy - we love one another to bits, but find it a nightmare living together and I resented it when we decided to move back into her home. 30 years later we're still best friends, but would not go back to being housemates under any circumstances. My feeling is that you should not let her come home, but if you can help her to find a better place and offer her support might be the answer.

I meant to say that no cash changed hands in either situation. Neither did we have a formal arrangement about chores. I suppose we all just muddled along. It’s a family thing?

YANBU. But although my head says no, my heart says yes let her come home. You'll also build a strong caring relationship that'll hopefully make her feel she wants to look after you when you need it.