grandaughter pushed too hard

Young mind will help with counselling if she would consider it and YMCA often has services to help young people receive help with housing and counselling. You have tried really hard but I also agree she is probably quite damaged from an emotionally abusive ( maybe other forms of abuse?) childhood and needs a lot of support

I really think you have done well but you have to see this as a very damaged girl not just a spoilt brat She needs help not punishment she sounds as if she’s been pushed to the background, with dad leaving, mum having multiple boyfriends and her life being totally out of control (it sounds as if you have no idea if worse things have happened to her) her way of clawing back some normality is to bite against everyone and anyone to try and find her own importance
Imagine an animal who has been treated badly in pain mentally or physically and a good person tries to save it They may get bitten or clawed in the process
I think the last poster who said wait a bit then try again with some gentle ground rules may be a good way forward

Don't have her back, change the locks and concentrate on yourself and DH. She won't learn anything if she isn't made responsible for herself.

Tough love.

She does sound 'normal' for some teenagers but she has to learn just as we all do.

You have to learn to, prioritise yourself and DH, two people there that you can help.

She must be very troubled , parents fighting, children feeling they have to take sides , she may have much anger bottled up .

This young lady needs a short sharp reality check. She may have had an unfortunate time, however, this does not mean that she shouldn’t understand manners and consideration for others. You should not have to get upset n your own home because of her strops, the world does not revolve around her and you clearly have worries with your husbands health. Allowing teenagers to behave like that enables them to carry on and manipulate, pull heart strings of kind people and basically not learn any rules in society that the rest of us have to adhere to. You have to be cruel to be kind here, if she wants to do what she wants when she wants then she must get her own place to do so ... living with others means considering others, something she clearly does not want to do. Good luck ?

I’m sorry to hear of your troubles. The messy bedroom wouldn’t bother me all that much, but her attitude is deeply hurtful and disrespectful. Not to mention plain ungrateful!

I don’t think I would have her back, because it sounds as though she will only approach you once she has worn her welcome out elsewhere. She may promise all sorts of altered behaviour but it sounds as though you have tried rules before without success. Once returned, I think you will find it very difficult to get her to leave.

Treating her like a granddaughter no longer worked once she moved in. You've forgot they still need ground rules young/older teenagers/adults can be headstrong rude & stubborn feel sorry for yeah but treating her like a Princess is a no no now she's moved in. Sorry it's gone pear shaped Helping to find her somewhere else to live would lesson the guilt. Fingers crossed you can get back that Granddaughter and grandparents special bond again x

You’ve had a range of sensible advice already, i just wanted to say that I hope life becomes calmer for you all.
One day she’ll realise what you did to support her and regret her selfishness but it might not be for quite a while. Concentrate meanwhile on yourself and her grandfather, of course. However I think that being receptive to any possible approach from her would be right. She’s still quite young and you obviously care about her in spite of the horrible things she’s done and said.
At least she has a job and friends, she could be in a much worse situation.

You have been more than reasonable in putting up with this selfish little ingrate - tell her she has one month to move herself and belongings - and keep to it no matter how much she whines. Sad to say we cannot always rely on the adage ‘blood is thicker than water’ because in this case it clearly isn’t.

Don’t ASK ..... TELL HER she is leaving. She knows she’s pushed it!

She probably fell out with her mum for exactly the same behaviour. I guess she won't learn the behaviour is unacceptable until she learns that no one will accept it. The more tolerant and generous your family, the longer that will take.

doglady, I think if you have messaged her and told her she can come home as long as she abides by the house rules, you have done what you can. You have given her support and told her you will give her more if she tows the line, reiterated your love for her and given her a way back through the door. It really is down to her and maybe she needs to sofa surf until her friends get fed up with her so she has to stop to think about actions and consequences.

Tough love is tough, but it is often necessary if young people are to grow up.

Please, do not feel guilty either about the row with your GD or about her leaving. You have enough to worry about with your husband's poor health, which I am really sorry to hear about. He is, and must be, your first priority now, your own health and well-being comes next, and all the rest of your family as third, IF you have the energy to cope with what sounds like a distressing situation all round.

Is any one of the family members you mention, offering to help you and your DH? No, I didn't think so!

Your GD is legally an adult, she may turn into a responsible one now that you have demonstrated that bad behaviour has unpleasant consequences.

We turfed an adult son out in very similar circumstances and he has since turned into a hard-working, responsible person who we now see regularly again. He has long since acknowledged that he was a right pain in the a**e when we reacted as we did, and that our tough love was helpful, so I hope and trust the same happens with your GD.

Gosh there’s some hard people on here ‘selfish little ingrate’
Doesn’t anyone think this girl may have a problem I m surprised No one seems to want to look st the other side and why ? Half the adults in the mental health system are there through their childhoods
She may just be a selfish badly behaved teenager but there are two sides to every story and none of us not even her grandparents by the sound of it know what her life has been like to make her personality what it is
Her strippiness most likely comes from fear of being out of control again
She’s gone now so hopefully she ll have more luck with friends and people outside the family dynamics I hope you can keep some kind of line of communication up

I agree with BlueBelle’s posts. I also agree that you may be doing her a favour by forcing her to stand on her own two feet - her friends won’t put up with her bad behaviour. You are clearly still worried about your GD Doglady but you have done everything you could and now you must concentrate on DH and yourself. I just want to give you a hug because I can see how worried you are and how this is hurting you. You’ve left the door open - both emotionally and practically - now just try to relax and be good to yourself and DH.

Help her to find a flat and try and part on good terms. Firmly say that her behaviour is affecting your hubbies health and that although you care about her she needs her own space as her behaviour will not change. Keep in touch but don't let her rule your life.

Absolutely no excuse for behaving in that way despite your reminders and the remarks re your DH are dreadful even though said in anger. Tell her she has to leave and give her a week to arrange somewhere else to live, tell her after the week is up you will pack her bags yourself and put them outside. She can always go back to your dil or ds if she hasn't got anywhere else. you need to look after yourself and dh

I fully agree with BlueBell , it is a fact that children are damaged by acrimonious divorces, the O/P shows much dislike of this child's mother , she has left her mother but this doesn't mean she has stopped loving her mother

You have no option but to ask her to leave. Her behaviour is actually dangerous to your husband.
She may be testing you as she may feel that no one cares about her but you have shown over and over that you do and she has to find a way to cope with her problems.
She may or may not learn but she does not want to learn from you and so I cannot see what else you can do.
It would be interesting to know if she behaves the same way at work. I have had employees like this. They think that the fact that they do something should be treated with gratitude and that pointing out the fact that they have done it wrongly or not well enough is an affront. Sometimes it is just lack of confidence but being too patient or tolerant can make it worse.
I hope she leaves without too much unpleasantness.
It is sad because her upbringing has been unhappy and she is going through a transitional phase. If it weren't for your husband's health, it might be worth trying other techniques but I don't think that you have the time to do that as it has to stop now if she is to stay.

I also agree with everything that Bluebell has said.
You can see the woman in the girl and what she has endured so she does have to be treated with both sympathy and firmness.

Bluebelle, I don't think she is just a selfish little ingrate but putting up with her behaviour won't help either. It has to be a balance of support and gentle but firm discipline. Above all, you have to try to keep the lines of communication hope. Regular text messages to tell her that you still love her and hope you can find some way forward but respecting her right to put some distance between you whilst she is angry. She sounds like she has been badly damaged by her childhood and finding it difficult to adjust. She is only 18 and obviously emotionally immature, she needs all the help she can get but you might just have to wait to give it.

Doglady1 ....google Will Smith’s video on “Fault versus Responsibility” and if you know how to do it then send her the link. He is still seen as “cool” (I think!!) and he makes some very interesting points that might just resonate with her. What he’s saying basically is that no matter who you perceive to be at fault for your upbringing/childhood/education/broken heart it is your own responsibility to deal with it as an adult and take responsibility for who you will be in the future. I get that you have spoilt her and she’s taken advantage, (human nature?) but it’s now time for real life as an adult.

Tell her to leave and change all the locks. Then concentrate on your own life with your husband. Have a holiday and some much needed relaxation and let her get on with it.

Let her back into your life ( but not living with you) when she has shown she can grow up and take responsibility.

If you let GD continue as she is it will make you both ill. Lay your cards on the table and make ground rules Hard as it may seem to you and after what she experienced when living with her mother she is not a child and now a responsible adult. I suggest getting in contact with her father. After all he is your son and the one most likely to listen to you as DIL leaves a lot to be desired when it comes to parenting. If you and DH become ill will GD look after you ?Highly unlikely.So DS first, regardless whether GD still has contact with him. Then take it from there.

Yes, Doglady tough love is really hard but you've had to do this for your own sanity and for your husbands wellbeing. You've obviously tried very hard over quite a long time to provide a home for your granddaughter and have pretty much tried all the strategies suggested.

Be kind to yourself, keep up the texts so your gd knows you care for her and that the door remains open, perhaps for a visit or a meal sometimes. Living with you is unlikely to work until she does a lot of growing up and that may take some years. Give yourself a big pat on the back for trying so hard. Look after yourself and your husband. ?