grandaughter pushed too hard

As an incentive for her to do her bit, you could always change the WiFi pass word and tell her she can have it when her room is clean and tidy. She’ll say you are mean, cruel and likely have a bit of a hissy fit, but stand firm and see how long she lasts without access to social media.

Blue bell, I entirely agree with your compassionate approach to this girl and your explanation of her difficulties. This, very tragically, is not an uncommon situation. I am a retired psychologist. I have to say, no matter how distressing this poor girl's background may be, her behaviour is too difficult for her grandparents to contain, especially with Gdad's illness. She will not change over night and, unless there is a miracle, she will continue to abuse them if she stays under their roof. Her problems are too entrenched for them to deal with now and my fears are for their health and safety. I do not think it is advisable for them to try and keep her. She has to gain some insight into her behaviour and take steps to becoming considerate towards others. Her problems are beyond the control of her grandparents; I am afraid for them should they try.

She is in for a shock when she moves elsewhere as she will have to pay rent, food, bills. My mum & dad had a similar problem with my niece. She moved of her own accord and after a troubled few years is now settled and married. There is hope!

She’s 18. No longer a child. She knows you love her and will be there for her if she needs you. She needs to be independent and make her own mistakes now. Look after yourselves.

Again I thank you for all your comments. Everyone sees it from a slightly different angle so all suggestions gratefully received.

I saw her today and asked if we could talk. She didn't even make eye contact with me, said she doesn't want to.

She is supposed to be coming for the rest of her stuff tomorrow. Not looking forward to it.

I've only read two pages of this so apologies if what I say is repetitive.

doglady1 I think you and your husband have done the best you possibly could do in the circumstances. It has obviously all got too much for you, particularly as your husband is unwell. It is good that you sent your granddaughter a letter and told her you loved her. Keep concerned and friendly communications open and, hopefully at some point things will sort themselves out.

That said, I agree with Bluebell. This young woman is being very disruptive and uncooperative but I'm not really surprised given all the massive upheavals in her life - her parents' acrimonious divorce, a reportedly emotionally unstable mother with a succession of boyfriends, violent behaviour, etc. etc. She must feel very angry and vulnerable and is taking it out on whoever is nearest. I agree that she might well benefit from some counselling but at this moment I think she is unlikely to be very receptive to that idea - perhaps that is something that can be suggested to her once she is in a more settled frame of mind. I hope, in time, things will get better for your granddaughter and for you.

I thinksome posters have been very harsh in their condemnation of this young woman. It is possible to dislike her behaviour and agree that her grandparents have been treated badly without feeling the need to launch into an attack on this young woman's character.

Objecting to unreasonable behaviour and making suggestions about how to tackle bed behaviour is not character assassination.

Tough love is, as you say doglady, tough on everyone. Sometimes it's what's needed though and, in my mind, it's the same as plain talking. Sometimes people simply don't hear what you're saying unless you are very blunt, especially when it's something they don't want to hear.
Best wishes to all concerned, including the teenager.

bed bad

/me giggles at the mistyped word :D

RM,