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Should I say anything?

(70 Posts)
minimo Thu 08-Feb-18 11:38:04

I know it's a long way away but my son and his partner are planning to be away this Christmas, they've already made plans to holiday abroad apparently and have a 'hot' Christmas. It's the other son's turn to spend it with his other half's family and my daughter's also told me that because of the 'other' granny's ill health they'll be spending Christmas with her this year. It would usually be 'my' year but of course I totally understand. This does leave me on my own for the holidays though. I don't think they've realised or discussed their plans with each other so probably don't realise. Their lives must go on obviously and finances and distance mean I can't 'tag along' to any of their gatherings even if I was invited. But I am feeling a bit sad about it.

vampirequeen Thu 08-Feb-18 12:11:59

That is sad. Why not stockpile some treats to eat over Christmas and plan to give yourself a DIY spa treatment?

hildajenniJ Thu 08-Feb-18 12:16:09

I wouldn't say anything about it just now, it's a long time until Christmas and plans could easily change. Having said that, do you have other family, eg., siblings or close friends you could ask to help you celebrate the holiday season.
If it turns out that you really will be alone, there are charities who would welcome your help. Those doing Christmas meals for the homeless or others in need.

Crafting Thu 08-Feb-18 12:17:08

It is sad but Christmas on your own can be an indulgence. Do whatever you want, watch whatever you want, eat whatever you want. All of them have good reasons not to be there and I'm sure didn't mean to leave you out.

Coolgran65 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:21:59

Do you have a friend who is on their own . You could book a spa break together for over Xmas. My widowed friend has 4 married sons who live locally. She books Xmas in the sun to also cover new year, together with a friend. She doesn’t want family wondering what to do with her.

minimo Thu 08-Feb-18 12:34:59

Thank you. I just feel a bit down about it right now so it's good to vent on here. I wouldn't want my family to know I'm upset and change their plans because of me. I will look into my options in a few months time but these are good ideas. It will be fine.

ninny Thu 08-Feb-18 12:48:48

I would say something to them now they have probably not even spoken to each other about Christmas 2018 yet. You are their mum and I am sure they would be horrified to think you would be upset and on your own.

Eglantine21 Thu 08-Feb-18 12:53:57

Sometimes it just works that way when family and distance make getting together difficult. It's understandable to feel a bit sad about it.
What do you like doing? There are lots and lots of different Christmas breaks you can take. A few years ago I had a really good time on a Christmas walking holiday in Cornwall and there are lots of other "interest" breaks to suit other tastes.
One year I ignored the Christmas period altogether and decorated my bedroom. That worked fine too. smile

midgey Thu 08-Feb-18 12:58:10

The year everyone was busy at Christmas we took my dog for a picnic at the seaside. Brilliant.....except every loo is shut on Christmas Day,

Luckygirl Thu 08-Feb-18 13:35:46

Of course you feel a bit down and I am sure that we can all understand that.

So....make some plans. Three choices as I see it - stay at home with lots of planned indulgences - plan a trip and enjoy being waited on in a hotel - or volunteer to help out in a Christmas lunch for the homeless.

It may be that long before then they will have spoken to each other and done the calculation that you will be on your own and had a chat with you about it. If you had some plans of your own, then it might be that they would be able to pursue their plans with a clear conscience.

NanaandGrampy Thu 08-Feb-18 13:51:05

I would just drop it into conversation if it was me because I would feel as you do. They might be surprised.

If there’s no way that you can join any of them then you have lots of time to work out what sort of Christmas you would like . A short break to a hotel, stock up on snacks and box sets, volunteering.... there are endless possibilities but I hope for the best outcome and that is one of your children invites you to join them .

OldMeg Thu 08-Feb-18 13:59:33

It’s a bit early to start fretting about this. Forget about this until at least October, by which times things might have changed.

The only year we were ‘alone’ at Christmas was when my daughter was in Australia and my son and DiL went to spend Christmas with her.

I was looking forward to a quiet time, but then my DiL’s parents (who were also abandoned) decided to spend Christmas with us ???

BlueBelle Thu 08-Feb-18 14:17:18

Oh don’t say anything to them or they will feel obliged to change their arrangements to accommodate you, would you really want that, I would hate my kids to have to consider changing things to be with me I think Luckygirl s right there are many things to do over the period it’s only a couple of days after all and there are so many people alone every year, it looks like you are normally well catered for
Oldmegs right it’s way to early to be worrying about this plans could all change please don’t spent 11 months feeling sad about next Christmas, what will be will be you ll probably end up having them all next year

eazybee Thu 08-Feb-18 14:48:40

I would start looking for options now and have plans ready to announce, something really extravagant, in case they do 'realise.' The fact that all three have told you so soon about next Christmas (only eleven months away!) makes me think that they are aware of the possible plans of their siblings, and are trying to get in first.
But a lot can happen in a year.

M0nica Thu 08-Feb-18 16:18:00

I love Christmas with my family, but sometimes fantasise about a Christmas on my own. I would do all the standard Christmas things, tree, decorations, but just have me to think of and have a quiet day, lie-in, nice long walk, Christmas lunch for one, a good book, favourite music and a box set.

Why not plan a Christmas family gathering for the family when they are all around, either before or after the event. It can be the full 'do' with turkey and presents. Once your DC realise what has happened and see your happy forbearance, I doubt it will ever happen again.

Christinefrance Thu 08-Feb-18 17:21:28

That is what happens with families there are lots of calls on people's time especially Christmas. Don't say anything to your family, things may change. If they don't then as others have said have a really self indulgent time. You can eat your favourite food, watch want on TV or buy some books you have always wanted to read. Alternatively you could always arrange to help out with a charity on Christmas Day, there are people who could do with extra help at Christmas.

Grannyknot Thu 08-Feb-18 17:31:00

Hi minimo don't say anything smile ... think fondly on your children having the time together in a different family dynamic and wait to hear all about it.

Smithy Thu 08-Feb-18 18:22:25

Yes, agree with others. Its a long time until next Christmas (thankfully). Anything could change before then, just put out out of mind for now.

radicalnan Fri 09-Feb-18 09:45:10

Do your Christmas on another day. There is no reason to go without celebrations just move the date.

HannahLoisLuke Fri 09-Feb-18 09:47:31

How about volunteering at a local lunch for other people who are alone at Christmas, or the homeless. I've often wanted to do that but I'm expected at family's day which I love.
My granddaughter did a couple of hours singing Carols last year before joining the family for the rest if the day. She loved it.

Lupatria Fri 09-Feb-18 09:52:14

i had several christmas days on my own before my daughter and grandaughters moved back in with me.
but i enjoyed the time as i could do whatever i wanted. i decorated the house as usual and bought all the things i usually buy and just indulged myself.
i ate roast turkey and all the trimmings followed by christmas pudding and later on cut the christmas cake i had made ... really good days.
of course i missed my family but i wasn't lonely or miserable just happy to be able to enjoy myself.

vickya Fri 09-Feb-18 09:58:42

That happened to me once or twice minimo. Husband was Merchant navy so away at sea or later on kids stayed at uni. Once I helped with Crisis and there were many very nice people there, volunteers and customers. I enjoyed it. Once I was a DJ at hospital radio. They are always glad of helpers to go round wards getting requests too and cheering up patients.

harrysgran Fri 09-Feb-18 10:02:28

I can understand your sadness sometimes those closest to us don't always consider our feelings Maybe you could join in the celebrations at your son or daughters in laws a lot can happen over the coming months. You could have your celebration on another day so your still having a family day and maybe if you suggest this it might make them realise how you are feeling .I've found that by keeping my feelings from my family isn't always for the best although we like to put on a brave face to our children occasionally we need to let them know we are sad lonely or any other painful emotions we are feeling

Coco51 Fri 09-Feb-18 10:16:26

The problem is that commercial interests have built christmas into a huge family happy time - it’s almost compulsory in this fairy tale event.
How often does ‘happy christmas’ actually reach the expectations we place on it? There is such a build up for one day of the year and let’s face it, we are led to believe all kinds of excesses will make us ‘happy’ and after all of the rush and tear it is almost a relief when it is over. The mistake we make, I think, is having TV full of the idea of lots of people having fun, which makes existing loneliness and isolation more acute. My memories of childhood christmases is that they never lived up to the hype. We ALWAYS had to visit my gran ‘in case it was her last year’. One great-aunt would insist on playing the piano even if other folk wanted to see a programme on TV, then everyone had to be quiet while she watched something or other. The aunts would all talk together, none listening to what the others were saying and an uncle would harass us with endless platefuls of food which we felt obliged to eat even though there was a strong possibility of being sick afterwards. The great aunt was the wealthiest of all of us but gave the cheapest tat she could find, for presents.. My mother always bought the same regulation underwear or stockings for everyone and spent more than we could afford, and it was rare if someone didn’t upset someone else and not speak for months. No, christmas ain’t like it used to be... thank heavens!

W11girl Fri 09-Feb-18 10:35:27

My son's partner is Brazilian so every other year they spend Christmas in Brazil. Christmas these days, is like any other day to me so I "manage" very well when they are away. The last thing I would do is to make them feel guilty and spoil their plans. There are phones, Skype, Facetime and Whatsapp to stay in contact with you.