Abandoned

I think so henetha. I worry for him and my grandchildren in the future. I just pray he will one day talk to me. I’ve never said anything to him about this as I know it wouldn’t go well.

I think I'd just turn up on your son's doorstep and say with a big grin , Thought I'd come and see if you're still alive".

Hi Cuckoo, think the ideas given are good. Maybe even write a journal? Just something that the children might one day be able to read so that they get to know you? Hopefully you get to see them long before, but if not, leave it to them in your will. Just little bits here and there about you, what you go, what you like and don’t like. All the little personal things do that they can visualise you as a real person, not just s vague name or old photo. I write one just talking about, well, alsorts really. It’s such a heartsore situation and I truly do hope you can find some kind of peace or solace soon. X

I’ve been blocked from social media, even though I have never commented in any way so I can’t event see pictures of my grandchildren any more. I’m sure it’s to do with my D I L. She has always been controlling from day 1 have always tried to be non judgemental and very quiet around her to keep the peace although she has said hurtful things for no reason. I am so worried that one day she will cutoff my son too. I will always be here for him though.

Cuckoo, This is just to say that ostracising any human being is a wicked thing to do for whatever reason. Ostracising says more about the person doing it than the victim.

You are so wise and right to know who you are ;that's to say you are your son's mother and your loyalty is for him. I do admire you for rising above the unpleasantness.
However, your own soul is important and do protect yourself.

I have no advice but want to send you and my love x

Cuckoo, is there any way of initiating contact via the other set of GPS? I am so sorry that this is happening to you.

So sorry you're being treated this way.I can think of nothing more painful than being excluded from seeing GCs as they grow up.I'll be honest my own DD rings to be' talked down' when her partner's mum has been round.But she does make comments,ignores requests for what to feed DGD ,even dressing her in clothes she thinks are more appropriate than the ones DD leaves out .Plenty of reasons to get annoyed!You sound lovely and as if you've been very aware of not encroaching or interferring.What annoys our DD the most is his mum barely even registered her sons existence until they had a baby,very focused on her much younger son from a 2nd marriage,but now expects their schedule to fit in with hers re visits.
However,DD accepts it's his mum,and her DDs Grandma,and from day one I have said don't leave her out.Its hard for mums of sons sometimes.I'm shocked at some of the threads I read on Mumsnet where some DIL s take umbrage at the slightest thing,almost looking for an excuse to cut off the MIL and keep their family unit very insular,or just including the chosen few.
You sound to have been so supportive towards your son through his education, and that's a huge help towards a house.Of course it's never a given that when you give you get back.We've helped all of ours through uni ,further training and a small amount towards houses.Not as generous but we do have 3.DH has always said he'll be happy if they just want to come and see him from time to time when he's an old man.Hopefully we've led by example by being there for our elderly parents.
What is so sad is that even doing all the right things as parent,trying not to interfere but you still get ostracised because it would seem a small number of women feel unable to 'share ' their DHs. I find it unfathomable. Even if it's a case of the son visiting his mum with the DC on his own.Then the DIL gets some precious time to herself, and grandma gets to build a relationship.
I really hope your son rethinks things and gets in touch.In the meantime I hope you have good friends and neighbours to lighten some of the sadness .

You just don't deserve this treatment Cuckoo. Heart breaking.

I am sorry. I know this scenario first hand. What helps me most, is that it does seem to be completely normal, as witnessed here on GN time after time.

The inexplicable breakdown of releationships is a phenomenon that blights the lives of many. There are no answers. Some simple steps you can take as others have mentioned but the biggest thing is to recognise that this, acutely heart wrenching situation, is just that, nothing you say or do or did or didn't do will change it.

Cuckoo I am so sorry. How they can do that to you when you are on your own beats me. I can only send good wishes and the hope that the situation changes.

So sorry to hear yours and others sadness over this. Just a thought as you haven’t had contact for a year is there a chance they may have moved and not received your letters etc. I hope you have some nice friends to take you for a coffee etc.Sending hugs.

Cuckoo - sorry to hear your story.

This may sound a silly question, but have you thought about turning up on their doorstep and asking if you can come in?

I have a friend in the same situation as you and her DS is no longer allowed to see any of his own family, including his borther, uncles, anuts, cousins, etc. They will never be told the truth about why they have been cut off.

They keep a box for each of the GCs putting in birthday cards and gifts and will leave just a token amount in their wills to the DS with the bulk going to their other DS and the 2 GCs in a trust. There is also a letter addressed to the DIL to be opened after their deaths.

If you know where the GCs go to school I suppose you could turn up at the school gate to catch a glimpse of them? Not sure this is a good strategy though.

Sorry about typos - meant brother, aunts,etc.

Do you live near enough to see them without having to stay over? Are the children at school yet?

If you wanted to, you might get a court order granting you access but it might cause even more hard feelings and not work out well, although if you just asked that you be allowed to see them once a year and send birthday cards/ presents - it might work and be better than nothing. As long as they know you exist, it is only a matter of time before they will start asking questions, and making their own mind up about things.

I am so sorry for you, it is very hard. .

I would go knock at their door. Face to face is the only way you will resolve this. Hugs for you x

I am just so sorry you’re in this horrible situation Cuckoo. Lots of good advice on here from some in the same position. I am hoping against hope that it somehow works out for you.

OP I wouldn't confront them or go to law. I think writing a history of you and your family and putting in photos and what you think would be a lovely thing for your GCs in the future, and yes to the double cards so they know you have always thought about them. I would however go to a solicitor to adapt your will to what's appropriate - perhaps leaving everything in trust to your GCs so it goes entirely to them and can't be touched by either your DS or DIL.

I agree with Alchemilla. No confrontation as I fear it may upset you further. And why should you subject yourself to further upset? No, treat yourself gently, make plans to fill your life and lay down memories and an inheritance for the GCs. Meantime,

Maybe a letter explaining how u feel. Life is so busy now and whilst shouldn’t be used as an excuse they may not realise how much this hurts you x

So sorry for you.
That pair are evil reincarnated!
As others have said, try to make another life so that at least some of your time and thoughts are otherwise occupied.

i see my son and his family on average about once a year at christmas.
they live 100 miles away from me and, at the moment i'm unable to drive because of chronic arhtritis in my left knee - my clutch foot.
they turn the ringer of their landline off at night because it wakes their girls and my son doesn't anwer his mobile then either.
my daughter lives with me but she works on a monday and alternate saturdays so she's too tired to drive 200 miles in one day so we don't go to see them.
i send birthday cards to all if them generally with a £20 note so they can buy what they want and i usually get a card with money tucked inside it for my birthday.
thankfully all presents are acknowledged generally by text and arrangements for christmas are also usually made by text too.
this has gone on for many years and i've come to accept that this will continue until i'm able to drive again.
the thing which buoys me up is that however long it is between chatting (either face to face or the rare phone calls) we can talk about anything under the sun just as if it was only yesterday that we last spoke.
his two girls do however know who i am and it's lovely to see how they get in with their cousins (my daughter's two girls who are a little older than my son's two).
i just accept that they have their life and i have mine.

My son has done the same to my DH and myself. My sympathies are with you...
I am only grateful that he and his wife have no children, at least I don't think they have !
I see him most nights in my dreams, as the lovely little boy he was.

I’d be inclined to turn up on their doorstep too, and if we didn’t get anything resolved, I certainly wouldn’t be leaving anything for them ( though maybe a small amount and a letter for the children)
I’d get much more pleasure out of giving money away to people I knew needed it, or even could do with a treat.

Cuckoo I am so sorry, but you are by no means the only one. Something similar happened to me about 5 years ago – I had looked after my young grandson up to 5 times a week since he was born, and then as soon as he got to nursery school age, for reasons best known to herself, my daughter cut me out of their lives.

I tried everything, and eventually last year started up a support group for non-contact grandparents in Worcestershire where I live. We meet once a month over tea and cakes, to have a chat, and although everyone’s story is different (and I have heard some truly horrifying stories) I have to say that meeting and talking with others in a similar position has made an immense difference. When this first happened I couldn’t talk about it, and cut myself off from much of my social circle, fearing that others would be judgmental – and I’m sorry to say that one person was.

There are a number of such independent support groups throughout the UK. The usual advice given in these cases is to contact Grandparents Plus, but frankly, I have not found them to be much use. A few years ago the emphasis of this organisation switched from helping non-contact grandparents to helping those who are actually bringing up their grandchildren. I think the reasons were financial, but they do at least have contact details of some of the local support groups. A better bet is the Bristol Grandparents’ Support Group, started by Jane Jackson about 11 years ago. Their website is well worth looking at, and includes a more comprehensive list of local groups. Their reach extends throughout the UK – Jane and her husband helped me to set up our group in Worcestershire.

You are probably aware that as matters stand, in UK law grandparents have no legal rights of contact, although they can apply through the courts to obtain this. However, anyone considering going down this route should be warned – you need a thick skin to deal with the adversarial approach, and ideally a thick wallet as there is no Legal Aid, however there is nothing to prevent you from representing yourself, or engaging a McKenzie Friend to help you. For years, celebrity lawyer Vanessa Lloyd Platt has campaigned for the removal of the initial stage of seeking Leave of the Court.

Within the last year, there have been a number of moves to try to change this unsatisfactory situation. Last March, following a Parliamentary Lobby Day in Westminster Hall, a national petition was launched on the Petition Parliament website, but unfortunately this was cancelled because of the snap General Election. The issue has been debated in Parliament and last November was raised in Prime Minister’s Questions. In October, Jane Jackson and her husband, plus Dame Esther Rantzen who is Patron of the Bristol Support Group met in Westminster for discussions with Nigel Huddleston MP and the then Minister of State for Justice Dominic Raab, and a Green Paper was to have been drafted, as I understand it, with a view to a change in the law. Unfortunately, following the recent Cabinet reshuffle, the position is unclear.

A few months ago, a petition was launched on the Change.org website by Vivienne Strazzanti. I hope that as many people as possible will sign it : -

www.change.org/p/uk-parliament-support-the-rights-of-children-to-access-grandparents-and-wider-family/nftexp/ex16/v2/54034022?recruiter=54034022&utm_source=share_petition&utm_medium=facebook&utm_campaign=autopublish&utm_term=share_petition&utm_content=ex16%3Av2

I’m sorry this post has been so long, but I hope it will give you some food for thought and a possible way forward. For my part, I am leaving everything in my Will to my grandson, if possible with a letter explaining what has happened. I have told my daughter as much in a letter, so that if she still refuses to see sense she will have only herself to blame for any fallout, perhaps many years down the line.