Abandoned

Children love getting post. You could send them a postcard every month. If you know phone number ring when you think ds will answer and tell him you wish to meet up with him. If dil answers hang up. See what he says.

I have just been on the FB page of GN. Every topic that is sent by email is now being posted on their page. So when it comes to topics of a personal nature be very careful because it can be seen by anyone who looks on the GN page. I will certainly be thinking twice about what I post which is very sad because when it comes to personal topics the members GN have been very helpful.

I feel for you Cuckoo and want to give you a hug.

On the basis of what you have said it sounds like your DIL is a selfish, controlling, spoilt bitch. Your son may be under her thumb but he is an adult and if he can cut his own mother off in this way then he is very selfish and spoilt too, with not one ounce of compassion between them.

As they have clearly cut you off in many ways then what you are doing so far regarding gifts is all you can do. If it was me I would write all my feelings and thoughts about the situation in a letter clearly stating their shortcomings toward you, listing everything. I would then lodge this with my Solicitor along with my will leaving everything I own to someone else (even the cat and dog shelter).

I would instruct the Solicitor when reading the will to read out the letter to all present (your son and DIL would be requested to be present) stating no further reason for the asset distribution needed.

I hope you have a rich and fulfilling life in other ways and do not dwell on their selfish asses.

Wimble54, thanks for that post it was so full of information, people do need suport, this situation is multiple bereavements. It is so much more than just family fall out.

I don't think until you have been treated this way that you have any idea how bereft you feel, people think it will 'blow over' and all be OK again. It has been 15 years for us since my daughter took herself and the children off and we have no idea why.

So good to know that there is support out there.

Cuckoo I'm so sorry my heart breaks for you but I feel the same as old Meg change your will why would you want to leave it to the ungrateful pair. And go on a holiday you never know you might meet someone live your life ?
Daisyboots it didn't occurred to me but your right so much for having a confidential chat with like minded people who want to chew the fat!!

Lovely
That made me cry. How terribly sad. ⚘⚘

Livey

When you contact them, don't mention the money. Not at all. Not even a little mention. Got it?

Are you able to speak to your son and explain how you feel? Is he available on the telephone?

Act now, before the distance between you is so great it cannot ever be rectified and you will always ask yourself why.

Hello cuckoo, so sorry to hear your story.

Do you know where your son works? could you "accidentally" bump into him outside or near where he works, maybe at lunch time if he comes out of work or at home time then maybe you'll get to speak to him.

I think that is very sad and hurtful and you are probably a lovely person. I remember once an insurance man visiting us at night mentioned he had come out at night to avoid his mother as she was a very proud mother of an only child who was visiting and it was sickening to listen to her boasting to his wife of his achievements. He felt it was reason enough to complain bitterly Perhaps and maybe. Surely there is a nice way to hint at unhappiness than ignore and avoid your mother. A lot of people would love to feel their parents were proud and delighted with with them. Life is strange.

Please GN get rid of that annoying pop-up for Facebook! Do not want to be on Facebook so if this continues will probably have to give up trying to read the leading post or quit GN!

I am so sorry like others I could cry too for you. I have a similar situation albeit I do see my CG but its been a struggle for 13 years and as time goes on I see them less and less. i wonder too about the future. Its not you, you cant control this so you cant change it- just the way it affects you. Keep busy and do what you want to do, as difficult as it might seem maybe some voluntary work with children? Do ring your son every now and again whether he answers or not just to say you are here, yes do send the GC letters, i do that , and do leave everything in the will to them or another good cause. lots of love & hugs. x

I agree with exaltedwombat. A lot of your posts refer to how much money you have given them. Whilst I truly sympathise with your heartbreaking situation I can't help wondering if the money is an issue.

So sorry Cuckoo22 that your only son is treating you like this. I do not think it would help to visit or turn up out side school or sons work etc. I think it is better just to remember their birthdays and Christmas with cards and a small gift.

Write a memoir of your life, your husbands and your son's growing up. Have a copy made for each child so that at the right time they will receive them.

Start enjoying your own life. Have holidays go to classes expand your network of relationships.

Do you have a face book page? When your gradchildren are old enough they may wish to contact you.

Do hope things get better for you.

Cuckoo22,it is so sad to hear, try to have a social life, you will be an asset to any group, they will love having you.Do NOT leave any more money in your will they have had enough from you, maybe money in trust for the grandchildren.Take care, I hope things get better.
Lots of hugs

Cuckoo22, it sounds like you don' know much about your DS's relationship, and whether he is happy and just selfish, or has been sucked into a partnership where he dare not have contact. I am not sure what means of trying communication are open to you, but if you have a current address or email address, you could write one more time and simply explain that you have been worried about the lack of contact, but are there for him if he needs you. If your DIL is on the BPD spectrum (look it up if you don't know what I mean) it would explain why you are subject to hateful treatment, and you may find some helpful info on websites like bpd family - just an idea

I feel for you, you have done the best for your son, that's it .i don't know if Britain have Widow clubs, Canada does . I have met while on holiday so many lovely women, pat pf the widows club ,who have lost their husbands but have got THIER lives together . There is a group of 85 of them here this week has n the Caribbean. Does not solve the problem with your son, that is down to him. Keep in touch with grandkids, but make a life for yourself.

Dear Cuckoo22 this is heart-breaking. And the worst part is not knowing why. I have no answers but many questions. My hope is the Q's help prompt possible avenues to explore.

Is this in your son's character that he could simply cut off without a backward glance? Or that he could be afraid of his wife?
I'm also wondering if they live far away? Are they still at their last known address?
Essentially I suppose I am wondering what is making it so easy for him to continue like this. The obvious reason might be 'because they can' - there is no-one around (family member) to reproach them. Is that how he ticks? How did you respond when they started to loosen contact?

I wonder if you ever met / are in contact with daughter in law's family? Or son's friends?

I am not implying that you should stalk them by proxy but I do think you might think of other ways you can get the message across to them that you deserve an explanation.Their behaviour is despicable.

Other posters are right when they say the grandchildren will grow curious as they grow up. I wish you much luck and resolve. Big hugs.

My sister's DS has done something similar ie taken money but never visits though they see the GC occasionally because their mother allows it. He suffers from depression and possibly BPD, paranoia as the result of a head injury and doesn't live with his children any more. I wonder if your DS has some personal tragedy like that? Terribly sad for you. As others have suggested - it's not your fault. Writing letters might help. It can't hurt anyway and it may help you.

Cuckoo the information provided here about BPD could well be very relevant regarding the situation in which you find yourself. It would depend very much on whether it is your DIL or your son who might have the condition as to why the estrangement from your son as well since he could be trying not to rock the boat with his wife if it is she. If it is he then you could be sunk. Again if it is a medical condition then it may take some of the hurt out of it but it is so very sad, my heart goes out to you.
I wonder if you know where he works and whether you have considered writing to him there at his work address since that might be the only way that you could get some form of communication with him that could possibly be private. I would not even mention or think about the money side of things as that is clearly not on the top of your agenda but communication is your aim. Make it a very loving letter and ask him if he would be prepared to communicate with you that way and promise that you will not use any other from of communication without his say so. At least that way you may get to know whether it is your son or your DIL. Baby steps and take it very slowly whatever you do.

As Synonymous says, if there is that type of mental illness in the household, the sufferer would have projected their own self hate onto you, but it will also mean that the affected partner will be practically impossible to live with, and the other one, if it is your son will be having hatred projected onto them too. You need to somehow try and find out more, but I think we all realise that is the hard bit.

Cuckoo

So very sorry for your plight at not seeing your S&GC.
I wouldn't recommend court, I did this and it was awful!
The post cards idea from Alexa sounds good, I can imagine children liking this. Just keep trying in a nice way to win them over. You have been so very good and so very generous with them, I don't know how they can treat you so badly.

I haven't seen my DD&DGC for 5plus years now , same as you didn't do or say anything wrong!

Good luck
Haven't read past first page, but will do later.

Morning Cuckoo & all.

I wouldn't just go round or visit his work, it could go terribly wrong & make things even worse. Try to arrange a weekly phone call, even better skype or the like, so you can see your GC & they you. Ask your Son what the best time & day would be for this, maybe by letter, saying how much you miss them all.

The first year or two I couldn't look at little ones, I would avert my eyes, otherwise I would cry I never look on FB, too painful!

Cuckoo I used to get two cards, Xmas, birthdays, Easter, post one & one in their gift/memory sacks. Since they moved and I no longer have an add. for them, I just get the one, with age sticker, which goes in their gift sacks & write on envelope their age. Also with little letter inside.

It's a horrible realisation, to have to except, you [meaning me] are nothing in their lives. My D&GD lived with me before my D meet her now H, my GD's stepdad, so we had a very special bond