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To be so hurt?

(79 Posts)
Urmstongran Sat 10-Feb-18 19:24:12

I retired fairly recently. I had worked with a colleague for over 20y & over time we became good friends, confiding in one another & occasionally meeting outside of work - to go to the garden centre, visit at one another’s houses for coffee. When I retired we initially kept in touch occasionally. Then, such a shock when after emailing, with no response for a few weeks, I realised that was it..... Tried her work email. Nada. I asked why she had stop replying. No response. OMG I cannot described how hurt I felt. I even dreamt about it! Has anyone else been ‘deleted’ like this & how did you come to terms with it?

Luckygirl Sat 10-Feb-18 19:25:36

Are you sure she is well/alive?

aggie Sat 10-Feb-18 19:28:58

That is so sad , but perhaps she is ill ? Might be computer problems ? I am clutching at straws here ! flowers

Luckygirl Sat 10-Feb-18 19:31:01

Assuming she is well/alive, all you can do is repeat the mantra "Life moves on." I find myself doing so more and more as things drop by the wayside.

Sorry you are feeling hurt.

Willow500 Sat 10-Feb-18 19:42:54

Are you in touch with any of your other work colleagues? Could you drop one an e-mail asking if she's ok? If she is then unfortunately you need to move on but it does seem strange. Hope you hear something.

Urmstongran Sat 10-Feb-18 20:38:48

She is still in work (an ex colleague told me). She is well & appears happy, sharing & caring..... just not with me. Which is SO hurtful. Just to be cut off like that. I feel I want to know WHY. What did I do/where did I go wrong? I don’t ‘do’ Facebook but someone told me how you can be ‘defriended’. (?). It sounds similar. That’s why I wondered if other GN’s had experienced this & how did you come to accept it? I feel so bruised. I tried thinking ‘it’s a work thing & I’ve left....’. but she continued to keep in contact for a good few months and then she severed contact.

Greenfinch Sat 10-Feb-18 20:41:48

A similar thing happened to me last year.
I emailed a friend several times with no response.After about eight months out of the blue I received an email from her suggesting we meet just before Christmas which we did.She then apologised for not answering my emails but said she had been very depressed.We agreed to meet in January so I emailed her but no response again so I am just waiting.Dont get upset but hang on in there and you may get a response when you least expect it.

lemongrove Sat 10-Feb-18 20:44:00

Can you not phone her? Write a letter?
If not, email again and then leave it. People can be very strange!

Seaside22 Sun 11-Feb-18 05:53:42

Yes it's happened to me too.I met my friend at work, we became close and worked together for 10 years, until she retired 18 months ago.We stayed friends for 6 months, going for walks together, and to each others houses, until one day she didn't reply to my text, I text again asking if everything was OK, and then no reply.Friends at work have seen her out and about, she asks about work, but not about me, which they find strange too, one of them asked me if I would like them to ask her why she has cut me off, but my pride doesn't want her to know how much it has bothered me.Nobody else can understand it, although we got on well, she wasn't very well liked at work, so I'm assuming she wasn't the person I thought she was.

BlueBelle Sun 11-Feb-18 07:02:03

Something similar happened to me I was friendly with a lady at work for some years we sat next to each other and had lots of laughs maybe not as friendly as you as we hadn’t socialised outside work, anyway a third colleague invited us both plus another three ladies to a meal at her house we have a lovely evening full of laughter and she gave me a lift home we laughed all the way I was just retired and she was about to she said how nice it would be that we could meet up etc A few days later I texted her to see how she was and say what a lovely night it had been and she didn’t answer I tried again and got a very curt reply saying she didn’t want to talk to me I asked what ever was wrong and she said I d upset her at the party I answered saying there must be a misunderstanding please tell me what I did or said She didn’t answer, I texted again saying I was mortified as I would never want to hurt her silence I tried one last time again no answer that was 6 years ago and I ve never had a clue what happened since that day
I did ask the others if I d said or done anything to upset anyone but no one had a clue either I ve scratch my head since that day and still have not an iota of an idea if I had done anything surely she wouldn’t have offered me a lift home and suggested meeting up again

travelsafar Sun 11-Feb-18 08:10:37

There is 'none so queer as folk' springs to mind!!!

radicalnan Sun 11-Feb-18 08:57:53

Nothing lasts forever, not even your own life, don't waste any of it fretting over trifles.

For whatever reason, she doesn't want to persue the friendship, she has that choice and you have the choice whether to let it hurt you or not.

loopyloo Sun 11-Feb-18 08:59:48

I wonder if there is resentment here that someone has been able to retire and they haven't as that seems to be a common theme. Perhaps look for new friends amongst people at home. There are lots of us.

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 11-Feb-18 09:00:10

There are all sorts of reasons why this has happened which have already been suggested here and all may be valid. I wonder if she has decided that the the main thread which bound you together (ie work) is no longer there and that you don't really have very much in common anymore? It's sad to have to let go if this is the case but I hope she gets in touch soon.

Elenkalubleton Sun 11-Feb-18 09:01:50

Familiarity breeds contempt I’m afraid to say,I am guilty of dropping a friend I’d had fo 50 years.
She didn’t have any other friends,and was disliked by colleagues in general.
We where teenagers when we met,her mother wasn’t nice to her and favoured her sister,I think I felt sorrY for her.
But she had a very brusk manner and was ill mannered and rude sometimes.
Over time I realised that I didn’t really like her,and just stopped communicating,there was no row,it’s 10 years since.

ReadyMeals Sun 11-Feb-18 09:08:37

She might have some aspergers-like condition. I worked with someone who I became close to, and from getting to know how she coped with similar situations I discovered that she was only comfortable with people in particular contexts. So if she had a friend at work, she felt awkward seeing them out of work and vice versa. I knew when I left there she wouldn't want to keep in touch, and I was right. I didn't hold it against her because I knew she'd be the same with anyone and it wasn't just me.

Hildagard Sun 11-Feb-18 09:08:46

Understand how you are feeling has happened to me twice, once was/is my sister in law, no explanations I still fret over was it was it something I did inadvertently if so tell me and I would apologise. It is so hurtful but we all have to move on life’s too short.

opalyo Sun 11-Feb-18 09:12:38

I have been at the other side of this situation. I had a very dear friend who meant a lot to me; she was a colleague, who became a friend. We moved to a different county and I started, for many reasons, to suffer from depression. I found myself unable to answer her calls or messages, I have no idea why, eventually she stopped trying. She has moved and I cannot find her to apologise, I feel terrible about it, and it's been 15 years now. Anyway, what I'm saying is, she may look fine, act normal, and no one will know, but anything could be going on. I don't think it's a reflection on you, but on her state of mind. Sometimes it's the people that we like the most that we can't be with because they make the mask slip, and that's damn scary. Well it was for me. I think you just have to let her go, but I genuinely don't think you are at fault.

Urmstongran Sun 11-Feb-18 09:12:59

I wonder if you are right loopyloo? Some of my work colleagues thought she was a bit odd. She certainly had some amusing takes on life - for instance in the winter she would wear socks that didn’t match under her trousers, say one pink one and one yellow one and obviously in the staff room at lunch someone would comment. I think she enjoyed being a ‘character’ and probably liked to get a rise out of us! That said, I enjoyed her company and she made me laugh! Others described her as ‘high maintenance ‘.
And radicalnan you are spot on when you say I have the choice whether to let it hurt me or not. I’m sure I will get used to her unkindness in time, it’s just raw when it happens.
Actually another friend helped recently when she said the friendship must have meant more to me than to her. Gave me food for thought.
I have also come to accept that our friendship had held together with emails only & I suppose she must have thought there was no point to it.....

AmMaz Sun 11-Feb-18 09:16:39

urmstongran I do wonder whether this is an increasing phenomenon or whether, with so many more communication options open to us, it is more starkly evident when it happens. But yes, it happens and it is horrible.

It makes one question the authenticity of the relationship one had with that thought it was one thing but then apparently it was something else...It engenders massive self-doubt as everything gets brought into question including one's very own powers of perception!

It is very powerful - perhaps that's her thing. It also feels dishonest and cowardly - so power on the cheap. Now you know who she really is.

NfkDumpling Sun 11-Feb-18 09:17:49

I think that when you retire you move into a different room. A different life. The main connection you had in common was work and that has ceased to be. I had two or three good friends where I worked twenty years ago. We met outside work and went out for meals. When I changed jobs my friendship with them petered out. The same happened when I retired. I had become very friendly with one lady, for ten years we talked through our problems, laughed together, and met regularly for lunch after I retired. But after six months it all petered out. Neither of us broke the thread, it just ceased to be. We exchanged Christmas cards for a couple of years and then that was it. Haven't heard from her since.

I have a new life and have moved into a different room. Despite having a lot in common the main common ground we had - work - had gone. Time to move on.

It's impossible to keep in touch with all the friends we've had throughout our lives. A shame though when it happens suddenly and you feel cut out.

Apricity Sun 11-Feb-18 09:25:38

I thinks it's just part of life. If someone doesn't reply to texts or emails and you know that the messages are getting through and the other person is OK then that's all there is to it. Just let it/them go.

There is no point asking what you may or may not have done wrong it's just that, for whatever reason, they no longer want to associate with you and their non response tells you that. There may be no real or obvious reason. Life is too short to waste time and emotional energy on "friendships" that are not reciprocal. Find people who do appreciate you.

Urmstongran Sun 11-Feb-18 09:28:46

AmMaz I think what you have said about this behaviour being controlling is an interesting observation. It seemed like a slap in the face. I honestly was so shocked to be ignored. I really wish she’d have said ‘if you don’t mind I feel there is little point & all the best’. That would have been more acceptable.

Eglantine21 Sun 11-Feb-18 09:33:53

Maybe she has something new in her life that is taking all her attention, and your emails just keep getting shoved to the back burner "I'll get around to that..."
A couple of times friends have done that to me when they've become grandmas. One didn't get back in touch till the grandchild went to school and she had more time!
I know I've done it when I've been doing a lot of travelling.

Sometimes we're just not high on the list of priorities. Im sure it's no reflection on you personally smile

inishowen Sun 11-Feb-18 09:39:28

It's very hurtful for her to do that to you. When my children were small I had a close friendship with a woman who lived across the road. We were in and out of each others houses daily. We supported each other when our parents died. We babysat for each other, went for walks, meals out, aerobics, slimming club etc., Then she decided to go back to work. No problem, I was pleased for her. I missed seeing her daily but understood she was busy. When I saw she had a day off I went over. She appeared distracted and too busy to talk. This happened a few times until I realised she didn't want my friendship any more. We became like polite strangers. When we moved house we didn't even say goodbye. Imagine my surprise to get a facebook friend request from her a few weeks ago! I accepted and have exchanged a few words with her. Not much. I'm not going to go all gushy after all these years. I guess she's retired now and might be thinking how badly she treated me. Who knows, people can be strange.