Gransnet forums

AIBU

To be so hurt?

(80 Posts)
Urmstongran Sat 10-Feb-18 19:24:12

I retired fairly recently. I had worked with a colleague for over 20y & over time we became good friends, confiding in one another & occasionally meeting outside of work - to go to the garden centre, visit at one another’s houses for coffee. When I retired we initially kept in touch occasionally. Then, such a shock when after emailing, with no response for a few weeks, I realised that was it..... Tried her work email. Nada. I asked why she had stop replying. No response. OMG I cannot described how hurt I felt. I even dreamt about it! Has anyone else been ‘deleted’ like this & how did you come to terms with it?

Humbertbear Sun 11-Feb-18 09:47:44

When I retired I immediately stopped receiving emails from two colleagues I had considered to be good friends. We had been through births, marriages and deaths together. Overall I think one should view work friendships like holiday friendships - very few survive out of context.

SillyNanny321 Sun 11-Feb-18 09:56:38

Had a friend for many years when our sons went to school together. Shared a lot of good times & some bad. When she remarried she was a different person. Eventually they moved & said they would keep in touch but did not!
Hurt for a while then little things crept back through her daughter. I was told that my ex-friend had said she can drop friends & family very easily with no worries on her part. She had done this several times over the years so I was just the latest. I just hope that Karma gets her & one day when she needs a friend she will find there are none!

Silverlining47 Sun 11-Feb-18 10:09:25

I had a very similar situation with a close friend. We holidayed together often and when she had troubled times she would come and stay with me. We were both very supportive of each other. At times she could be difficult/troubled and I knew she had dropped close friends before. Maybe I thought I was diferent. We didn't live near each other so moving didn't affect our relationship but when I moved to France she completely 'deleted' me', didn't answer letters or emails. I didn't want to be given a cool brush off on the phone so didn't call.
This was about 5 years ago. I recently came across some old letters from her and I was surprised by the very affectionate tone. But now I realise I was rarely completely at ease with her. It does feel odd though.

Yellowmellow Sun 11-Feb-18 10:15:41

I know this is very hurtful. We all need closure, and sometimes don't get it. Please try and focus on all the people that do love and care for you, and who value your friendship....if she acts like this and isn't prepared to even give an explanation she isn't worth your concern or friendship......you can mull it over and over, and never get a conclusion or answer....you can never have enough people around you to care about you.....her loss

lovebooks Sun 11-Feb-18 10:35:49

I have SO many diverse comments to make on this thread. First of all, I have a theory that this is mostly a female thing because relationships/friendships are SO important to women. There's also a subtle, and very female cruelty involved - friends who do this ARE aware of the pain it causes, even if it's subconscious.
Secondly, I've suffered this, too. A close friendship of 25 years was deliberately broken two years ago. My suggestions of: can we discuss this over a coffee? were
totally rejected. In my case it was particularly painful because I'd lost my beloved husband a few years ago, which brings me on my my third point - friends' rejection following a bereavement. It happens, and it happened to me - anyone else? I somehow can't see men hurting each other in this particular way, but I'd be interested in other opinions. Who was it who once said: the female is deadlier than the male?

ReadyMeals Sun 11-Feb-18 10:58:04

Actually men do do it. I know of some cases. The difference I think is that the spurned man doesn't really say much about it as they typically don't like showing they're hurt. So we don't hear about it as much. And remember even just on here we hear loads of cases of sons blanking their mothers - mine is one in point. Simply no reply to texts or phone calls.

Hm999 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:02:42

Once we finish working with them, colleagues tend to drift away, even ones we used to frequently socialise with. Sad, but often the case

cheneslieges132 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:04:25

As some of you gransnetters out there may remember, I suffered - and I do mean SUFFERED - when a life-time friend "deleted" me around the date of my birthday in 2016. I still do not know why, or what happened. I even sent (yet again!) a lovely card at Christmas, plus a silly little gift of some sweeties she loved, and will probably be daft enough to send her a Birthday Card again in April. Some people would say I am a fool - but I still love and miss her. I would just love to know what happened ..... we were closer than sisters, in fact she called me the sister she never had. I also supported her through the dark days when one of her brothers was jailed for a 'so-called' sex crime (all he had done was jokingly put one of his female workers £5 Bonus in the top of her blouse). I still miss the wonderful times we had for so long. The mystery still saddens me.

MissAdventure Sun 11-Feb-18 11:08:43

My fiance did it to me. No discussion, no reason, no response to my attempts to contact him, and yes, it hurts very much to think I was worth so little to him.

Urmstongran Sun 11-Feb-18 11:11:29

So many positive comments on here. Thank you all for posting your thoughts. I appreciate your collective common sense..... in fact I feel better about it already!
I suppose it was hard to reconcile as I still occasionally get together with half a dozen other ladies who are all ex colleagues from the same workplace but different departments. We perhaps meet up for a glass or two of wine twice a year, which is lovely. They too think my brush off by said person was strange behaviour.
Oh well, I have to accept what it is & not dwell on it any more!

blue60 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:12:35

Yes. And I moved on, realising that she had probably moved on too.

Rosina Sun 11-Feb-18 11:15:18

I have had exactly this with a colleague - not of 20 years standing, but we did get close, shared a lot of laughs and an occasional meal out with other work colleagues. After I left I was cut off completely, although evidently she does say to other colleagues that she 'must get in touch' - but she has never answered emails or texts, has never thanked me for birthday presents sent to her for two years, and has in fact moved and not given me her new address. I felt rather sad about it and assumed that I was in the wrong and had done or said something to upset her, but another colleague has since left and been treated in absolutely the same way, even after texting to say she was feeling tearful and anxious about what she might have done. Some people are just like this it seems - you leave, they move on. I'm so sorry you have had this happen - there may be another perfectly valid reason but you are not alone with this strange treatment!

seasider Sun 11-Feb-18 11:28:18

I had a younger friend I met through work. I supported her in.lots of ways as her parents were useless. I took her to university (2hours away) and picked her up. She got married and moved away. Her husband had an affair and I spent hours on the phone just listening while she poured her heart out. She met a new man and moved on in her career and I am.pleased for her. She no longer returns calls or contacts me when she comes up this way. Just a Christmas card every year. It's sad as we were once very close but what can I do.

Silverlining47 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:47:16

Lovebooks....how strange that you should mention bereavement. The last contact I had with my friend was a very prickly one because I had to cancel a weekend with her because my uncle, who I had sole responsibility for (although he was in a care home ) and PoA suddenly died and I was engulfed in funeral arrangements. Her comment was that the weekend visit was between the death and funeral so she couldn't see why I should cancel. It took no account of my feelings. I think she was also jealous as she believed that I would inherit some money.

sylviann Sun 11-Feb-18 11:49:56

Yes I was deleted after we both retired in the same year phoned each other a few times met on a couple of occasions then my phone calls weren't return and I was informed by another friend they'd moved to Blackpool end of story .

Overthehills Sun 11-Feb-18 11:51:22

This happened to me with my brother - I have no idea what I did to cause it and have given up trying to mend things.
I’m glad to hear you’re feel better about it OP - live your own life, you can’t live hers.

Nanny41 Sun 11-Feb-18 11:58:16

Maybe once you retired you no longer had a lot to talk about, we were a little group of six friends work friends, who met at someones house a couple of times a year, we had a nice evening, a meal and a chat, this we did for a few years, I retired, some of the others moved to other jobs etc, the last time we met over a year ago, I found we didnt have the same things to talk about, which was a shame, now we dont meet as a group, but occasionally a one to one meeting somewhere. I thinks as the saying goes "thats life" Good luck Urnstongran.

Lynnebo Sun 11-Feb-18 11:58:31

I was always the driver, lost my licence through brain injury, the dynamic changed....
Roll with it, accept the position, and carry on. Don't waste precious time dwelling on something you can't change xx

Eglantine21 Sun 11-Feb-18 12:02:39

Well, it's a dilemma isn't it? If you don't want to be friends with someone any more do you tell them why? Let it wither away bit by bit? Or go for totally ignoring them?
What do you do if the they won't let the withering happen?
How do stop yourself from turning the telling them why into a full blown character assisination?
I'm sitting with a text on my phone from someone, where I've just decided Enough! I've kept giving her second chances, another try, don't let it get to me etc
So ignore the text, just respond with I'm fine, or let it all rip!!!

Greenfinch Sun 11-Feb-18 12:02:42

Opalyo thank you for you posting.It clarified something for me.I felt that my friend could have emailed me to say she was unwell but perhaps not.Also because I knew none of her family she was quite open with me but I now see that contacting me might be difficult.

Coco51 Sun 11-Feb-18 12:05:37

Yes. I became friendly with the mother of DD’s best friend. They moved away to a different part of the country but daughters remained close. For years Friend and her DH encouraged me to move close to them, (I was divorced) and as DD was now settled in the same area with her husband I decided it was time. Unfortunately, before the move my friend’s DH became terminally ill. I offered any kind of help and support she needed but she did not respond. After her DH’s death I thought we would see each other when she had settled to her situation, but after 9 years we still only meet when our daughters arrange meet ups for birthdays. My ‘friend’ always says ‘We’ll definitely meet’, she is gushing and friendly, and we always have a laugh, but there is always an excuse when I suggest a meeting. Another ‘friend’ from where I used to live put up a post on fb that she was visiting a place close by to my new home. I suggested that we meet up as it was so close but ‘friend’ did not reply - she said that she hadn’t got my message until she got home because there was no signal - such a blatant lie because if there was no signal she wouldn’t have been able to post to fb! I consider now that I don’t have any friends. Fortunately I have lots of interests in individual pursuits, so I just get on with my own life.

Cabbie21 Sun 11-Feb-18 12:06:04

I like the comment about having “moved into another room.”
I had a very close colleague and friend. We had lots in common besides work. After she retired we remained in touch, she would write long letters ( this was before emails) but eventually we drifted apart. I was still working and very busy, so I guess it was mostly my fault, up there was no explicit break. When I retired, there was a very active circle of retirees which I joined but she was not part of it so we have totally lost touch.
Mind you, since I moved away from the area, I do not keep in close touch with the retirees. I go to meet up maybe two or three times a year, in the summer months, but increasingly I find I have “ moved into another room”. My life is in the here and now, with the people I see every week.

Maybe it is similar in the OP’s case.

FlorenceFlower Sun 11-Feb-18 12:13:25

I so sorry for you, losing your friend, and pleased you are feeling more relaxed about it.

I have a friend, for 20+ years, who has ‘deleted’ two close friends completely in that time. Each time she has confided in me about how thoughtless they were, how selfish, etc. I had thought that they seemed quite reasonable, although of course, we can’t tell what goes on inside close relationships.

Anyway, and unsurprisingly probably, I have been ‘deleted’ by her for up to six months at a time, twice. We have got back in touch, but I no longer put myself out for her or depend on her. She is fun if we meet with a group of friends. She is not, as far I can tell depressed, but (as several people posting here have said) life is FAR too short to get upset by or rely on ‘friends’ who aren’t courteous, reliable or thoughtful.

🌺

Teddy111 Sun 11-Feb-18 12:18:19

So sorry,urmstongran.I find that it is, the not knowing.Why?Our lovely, retired, next door neighbours of five years ,a retired vicar and wife, just left last week.Not a word.We always spoke and waved to each other.We never had an unpleasant word.The house had not had a for sale sign .They told us a year ago that they were waiting to go into a retirement home but that there could be a long wait.I was climbing into the car and saw them getting into their daughters car,I don't know what made me say it but I said,'Are you leaving'? She turned ,smiling she said 'Yes,we're off but we'll be back'? No shaking hands, saying it was nice to meet you,no, wishing you all the best,to each other. Nothing.

Urmstongran Sun 11-Feb-18 12:26:05

I can see what you mean Eglantine21 .... as she obviously wanted to ‘defriend’ me how best (for her) to achieve that? I get it but to be honest it was hard to come to terms with just being totally ignored. Hey ho! I felt hard done to & wanted an explanation. But maybe not eh? .....😩😩