Broken

I have a friend who has been left in a very difficult financial position helping her 2 totally irresponsible AC out. She now has had to say No to them and take care of herself as she is practically penniless. She has got invaluable advice from Age Concern on Equity Release ... plus the Martin Lewis website.

Here's a thought HildejenniJ ...why not let your kids just get on with it.... my dad left debt and nothing else, only the life lesson to stand on our own two feet. The debt by the way wasn't his but he felt compelled fron honour to pay it! We finially paid it ( his four kids) and were glad to do it on his behalf. We owe our kids a happy childhood and a reasonable education in the knowledge that they learn to cope on their own...which mine do. My daughter is well set up through her education which she has made the most of.... my son is hard working and healthy... but failed to use his 3 A levels wisely. His fault...not ours! They will both stand or fall from their respective efforts. They will also have no debt to pay off when I die and a house worth a small fortune. Enough already!

I suspect that there are many people in just this position? a couple of years ago I was talking to a Guardian journalist about doing a piece around families working but still struggling and I said then that an untold story was around the many grandparents using up all their own resources to prop up their AC and GC. ?
I believe that with the financial crisis upon us since 2008, the rising cost of housing both to buy and to rent (especially here in the South) the low or no rise in wages, the increase in insecure employment (the so called gig economy!) the cuts to benefits, the two child policy, benefit cap etc it’s no wonder that so many young families are struggling and so many parents are stepping in to bail them out. My own AC are all in working households all 3 SIL have better salary than me? as I work for a charity and they in the private sector but they have massive housing costs 1 DD is working but 1 is on maternity leave and the 3rd is a full time university student so I have tried to help them out because I don’t have a mortgage now, it’s still left me very very stretched and frequently feeling a bit down ?

I have only one son, now a dad himself. Money has been a real feature, up and down all of our lives together and my own childhood was precariously managed financially and emotionally. Consequently we talk about money openly and solve financial problems together using flip charts and spreadsheets to get the desired results. Any loan has to have a repayment plan. There’s no point my money idly sitting in the bank when it can do it’s work to help make my family less anxious and more productive and enable my GC to live in nice surroundings with parents who have time for him. BUT it has to be repaid, and it always is. We all reclaim, upcycle and repurpose and have great respect for the money we can access collectively.

Very very sorry to hear of your worries, hope that people here have been able to give some useful support.

Do PLEASE get as much advice as possible about equity release, I have recently read some real horror stories. And, as others have suggested, do please go onto the Age UK and the Martin Lewis websites, and if possible perhaps talk to one of their advisors.

Hope it feels less worrying now ?

If you do it, don't tell anyone, and if anyone asks you for more help, tell them that the bank of notoveryet is now empty.

I have an 80 year old friend who's still giving financial assistance to one of her AC, who spends like there's no tomorrow, and this AC's children as well, her DGC. It's just not right.

Look after yourself now.

Please could someone tell me what AIBU stands for? I see it on here a lot and have no idea!

You're not being unreasonable. I think our generation was one that went to work for however little money, saved as we spent, and focused on taking care of ourselves in the future. I have a similar issue to you but with an older stepdaughter who simply squanders money and has been excused for her behaviour by both parents because of her 'mental fragility' which became worse as they divorced and I came on the scene (25 years ago). Now we have a situation where improvements that I want to make to our home to make life more comfortable are always put to the end of the priority list just so that the SD can live a life that she has never worked to fund for herself. There are lots of us around like this - unfortunately.

Susan56, I know those sleepless nights only too well. I think I will try to carry on for a bit, though will be using the credit cards! I have started looking at various equity release schemes, though the warnings on here are making me a bit nervous. There have been one or two positive experiences, so I guess it's something to thoroughly research.

What an awful situation for you. Equity release is not great and what you will get is far less than the value of your home and then if you live a long life when it’s gone it’s gone, what then?
Would you be able to sell up and downsize? Even move to a cheaper location this would release some equity which you should then invest wisely and keep for yourself. You’ve done more than your share of supporting your grown up children, your turn now. As for your grandchild with mental health issues, if he still needs to live with you there must be benefits available to enable your continued support. Please go and talk to Citizens Advice and Age Concern.
Very good luck to you x

AIBU is am I being unreasonable? Janieuk.

janieuk It took me ages to work out? I think it stands for Am I Being Unreasonable ?

We are in the same boat. In our case it is adult foster daughters and their children . One is actually living here with her 5 year old daughter since they have became homeless 6 months ago and it now looks like my foster dtr will be serving a fairly lengthy prison sentence very soon so we will be responsible for bringing up her daughter who we regard as our granddaughter. Not what we imagined doing at this stage of our lives .

My DMIL has not long used Equity release. She was very happy with the outcome. It got her back on her feet. A chance to get the repairs done etc.

Blossomsmum Oh dear this sounds so stressful for you all? do make sure you are claiming child benefit etc for the DGC if mum does go in a custodial sentence. What a horrid situation to be in ?

Please be very careful of equity release notover as depending on your age the interest on what is essentially a lifetime loan rolls up frighteningly. You're still responsible for maintenance, insurance and upkeep on the house even though it is no longer actually your property. Also the amount of equity in your house is a factor in determining whether you can actually release any of it. It does seem like, not an easy way out exactly, but an attractive proposition when you're stressed and struggling -I know as I've been there- but tread carefully. Maybe get as many quotes and plans as possible - you won't go short of offers as equity release is so lucrative for the agencies involved. Good luck and hoping you make the right decision for you after a lifetime of hard work and caring for others

I don’t think our generation had it easy at all. I can remember how hard it was to save £1000 for a deposit on a house, no help from parents and I certainly didn’t expect it. They in turn had cashed in insurance policies to raise the deposit on their first house. I would never have asked my parents for help, they had worked hard all their lives and deserved to be able to live fairly comfortably in their retirement. Younger generations now just seem to expect the bank of mum and dad to be open all hours. Having said that, like others I will always help out if I can!

Ninethenana
It is naturel as a parent and grandparent we would want to help our children. Ill health is not a choice so in that case will inevitably incur sacrifices. For the majority their are choices. Bringing a child into the world is on the whole a' choice.' I am fully aware their is sexual abuse that will result in a child how ever if one has options then you make a child or you take precautions. OK so there will always be ' accidents' but take some responsibility and don't expect mum or dad to have a bottomless pit of money. Most grandparents would not want to see GC suffer and like yourself in your generosity appear to have made a rod for your own back. What caused your daughter to lose the roof over her head.? Where is the father? does daughter not have child support.?
Not being able to work was not daughters choice but keeping her car in working order to enable her to work was a choice.
I too have been there when needed and it is difficult to say no but there has to be a point when enough is enough .Question is? when do you intend arriving at that point.

We’re in the same position as many on here in that we help out when necessary, mostly DD who is a single Mum getting no support from her ex and is working and studying to try to make a better life for herself and DGD. Occasionally DS has a crisis and we help him too. We’ve never really looked on our money as exclusively ours and our AC are grateful for the help we give them and I know we’re lucky there.
As far as ER goes please do lots of research OP, some schemes are better than others. We looked into it but because we had some savings we were advised to use those first. Our AC were told about the ER and we’re totally happy with it. But it is scary, I agree with all of you...

I look after number 1, that's me. All my children have choices, as do I and of they want to squander their salary then come to mum (or dad) for more they know what the answer will be. If it was a REAL emergency, that's a different matter but not budgeting effectively or having more children/bigger house/posher car/more holidays/nights out than you can afford, they know it's pointless asking.
They all had a decent education (no uni) and all working full time since leaving school, in jobs which have good upward mobility prospects.
My parents left nothing as dad died aged 45 when my youngest brother was 3. Mum had then to find a job which allowed school holidays but it wasn't well paid. Still, she did well to manage.
A close relative has asked several times to borrow money and the reasons turned out to be lies and I had to say what my actions would be if the money was not repaid. It was...reluctantly. I never borrow and never lend.

No-one is being unreasonable in feeling that it is unfair that our generation is being told we had it easy. In some ways we did, in others we did not, and as you all say we worked hard for what we have.

It is definitely not fair that we have to worry about whether we have saved enough for our old age.

Helping children and grandchildren is what we do. Perhaps sometimes instead of just footing bills, we need to sit down with our adult children and find long term solutions we all can live with. If that is at all possible, which sadly probably not everyone can do.

Yes, if we decide to go down the equity release road later, we will certainly tell our children. We have already discussed the terms of our will in broad detail, so there should be no surprises there either.

Well the generation in general "had it easy" but then we didn't all have to help support two members of our extended family the way you do. So I guess you've just been unlucky (and very kind).

I too have encountered the same with my children where my daughter after I helped her & her hubby financially with their 1st home, child setting them up only for her after a year to tell me I will have no more contact with her & her family which caused me to suffer a major anxiety attack, still no contact going on for 10 years & I have to work 2jobs & can’t see me retiring before I’m 70 I’m 59 ? I’m have no savings

Those that lend, lend and lend again are making a rod for their own backs.
Either take steps to ensure your own financial, and emotional, wellbeing, or accept the obvious fate that awaits you, as many here have alluded to.
I looked at Equity Release with a view to recommending it to a neighbour, whose days are taken up borrowing fivers and tenner's from neighbours each week to fulfil her needs, including cigarettes and keeping a number of dogs.
She pays it back and then repeats the cycle.
She owns her own home but wants to leave it to Dogs charities. No helping some people.
After seeing the way Equity Release works I wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.
Others have said already about the speed the interest accrues and in no time the Lender will own the home though you are allowed to use it until it is time to go underground or be turned into ashes.
Far better to downsize, and as one poster says it will be better to rent so that YOUR money is free to enhance the quality of YOUR life.
As has been said, our kids expect and expect.
2 car families, designer clothes, keeping up with the jones's etc.
Financial stress is horrible. Been there, done it.
I will, have, helped mine out in the past. Cant see me doing it again, though I will be helping out my GC when they reach adult life.
Your futures are in your own hands. How it pans out with your families is entirely up to you.

I am not sure my generation had it easy? when we bought our first house in the late 1980’s early 1990’s the mortgage payments were huge with high interest rates! It was also much harder to get a mortgage as the criteria were stricter we struggled in the first few years? We also suffered as a result of the recession of the 1990’s my DH lost his business and his health and we had to sell up and move. none of this made for easy times tbh! I accept that I didn’t have the huge student debts that lots of people leave with now as grants were still available for us (just) but in many ways we missed out both ways! We are not part of the baby boom generation and so didn’t benefit from huge property price rises and yet here we are now having to work until we are late 60’s with cuts to the state pension on the horizon and having to bail out the younger ones?