Gransnet forums


Spending money

(157 Posts)
RamblingRosie Sun 15-Apr-18 22:39:44

I am one of those women who have only just got my State Pension in my mid sixties. I have a small private pension
My DH says both my pensions should go into the joint account to pay towards household expenses. He has a larger private pension part of which goes into the joint account
He queries any withdrawals I make from the account

How do other Gransnetters deal with financial issues and should I insist that I have an allowance to spend as I wish?

jusnoneed Mon 16-Apr-18 08:24:33

If he only puts part of his in the account you could do the same. Did you have the same thing happening when your earnings were coming in - all yours and part his?
If he asks what you spend money on it does sound a bit controlling.
I have never had a joint account, with either ex hubby or my partner now. We just each pay for certain things and share larger amounts. I would always have to have some money of my own, just as OH has (and neither of us know each others balances).

Luckygirl Mon 16-Apr-18 08:28:32

Joint account from Day One, which I have always mostly managed, as at the start I was the only one who had an income as OH was still a student.

It all ticks along merrily and we discuss any proposed big expenditure that either of us might have in mind.

Works for us.

I could not abide a partner checking up on what I spend, as in OP's case, but if he does that sort of thing, maybe I would not want to have a joint account with him!

Luckygirl Mon 16-Apr-18 08:29:48

Should you insist you have an allowance!!! - an allowance from your OWN money!!! What madness is this?

Iam64 Mon 16-Apr-18 08:30:54

Your husband's approach to money sounds Victorian, as though 'the little woman' needs someone to take charge and of course, it would be him. What right does he have to ask you what you do with money you withdraw from your bank account? Is he controlling in other aspects of your life? I notice you ask if you should "insist on having an allowance to spend as you like". How have you managed that till retirement?

What does he do with the portion of his income that doesn't go into the joint account?

It sounds as though a sit down with a cup of tea, or discussion when out for a walk is needed here.

threexnanny Mon 16-Apr-18 09:46:08

We've always had own accounts and a joint one which works for us.
I am a careful shopper, but if I didn't have my own account to spend as I wish I doubt that I would feel I could spend on anything other than household. How would you pay for his birthday and Xmas gifts if you have to ask first?

kittylester Mon 16-Apr-18 09:56:23

Maybe you wouldn't buy him any!!

Maggiemaybe Mon 16-Apr-18 10:02:04

Or you'd just take the money out or use the cards and spend it on whatever you want. Why on earth would you have to ask?

Day6 Mon 16-Apr-18 10:05:02

After working all my life I'd be cross now if I had to justify my spending to my partner. If I want to but a new handbag or a lipstick I will and I'd hate to feel I had to run it by him first or ask his permission. We have a joint account for bills/household stuff and another for rainy days and holidays. We both contribute. The rest we keep and do with as we please. There's not a lot of disposable income but neither of us has to worry about a purchase.

sunseeker Mon 16-Apr-18 10:22:56

Like others we only had a joint account. DH was self employed so there were times when my salary was all that kept us afloat, as his business took off things became easier. It would never have occurred to him to question what I spent money on. The OPs other half does appear to be very controlling - does he justify everything he spends money?

sunseeker Mon 16-Apr-18 10:23:42

"spends money ON"

glammanana Mon 16-Apr-18 11:35:29

We have always had a joint account and pay all the bills from it what is left is used as and when needed we never have to ask each other about withdrawing any money.
The only other account I have had was for the childrens CB when they where at school it has always been kept separate even when paid by order book many years ago that was their money and never went into the household budget.
You need a good talk with your husband and make sure you get things sorted asap,I do hate the term "allowance" since when are you allowed access to your hard earned pension.

Teetime Mon 16-Apr-18 11:44:29

Us too joint account everything goes in there and we agree the savings and spendings jointly.

M0nica Mon 16-Apr-18 13:54:20

DH and I go in for central planning and both of us having a similar sum of money at our personal command for personal expenditure. We have agreed this includes clothes, but not health or car expenses.

In this case Sauce for the gander is Sauce for the goose.

rockgran Mon 16-Apr-18 14:59:04

We just have 'our' money in a joint account and both know what's there. However we also each have a small amount in individual accounts in case one of us is taken ill and the other needs money immediately. If a joint account is frozen or inaccessible for any reason it might take some time to sort out and an individual account is a good idea for emergencies.

MillyG Mon 16-Apr-18 15:40:15

We each have our own accounts and contribute equally to a joint Household account. All household bills and expenses are thus shared equally and we each have personal money to spend or save as we choose. This has worked well for us throughout our 40+ years of marriage and money is one thing we have never argued or even disagreed about.

Nonnie Mon 16-Apr-18 16:36:09

What did you do about money before you retired? That would surely be relevant to what you do now.

I am surprised how many on here have just the one joint account, I thought we were alone! Mostly DH has earned more than me but my contribution to family life has been greater because he often had to work away from home or longer hours than me.

I manage our finances, DH used to but we got into debt! Neither of us asks the other about expenditure, why would we, we trust each other? We even trust our AC and added them to our account when they were students so they always had access to money in an emergency. They are still on it which will make their lives much easier when we die.

How do people sort out the bills when they have their own separate accounts? Do they each pay half? What happens when one earns more than the other? Do they pay pro-rata? DS earns a lot more than his wife because she only works 2 days a week, I doubt she asks permission to spend. DS3 earns less than his wife but he just asks her if he needs money for something.

tanith Mon 16-Apr-18 16:53:42

Each to their own, what suits one couple doesn’t suit another can’t we just accept that and not question why couples use the method they do?

Purpledaffodil Mon 16-Apr-18 16:54:14

We are slightly different in that we have two joint accounts and manage one each. Salaries and now pensions get paid into the relevant account. DH pays utility bills, his particular expenses such as clothes and club fees and mortgage when we had one. I pay food shopping, my clothes and usually birthday and Christmas presents (not my own obviously) When we ran two cars, we each paid expenses out of our “own” account. Expenses such as holidays are shared by negotiation, although I tend to pay for mini breaks. This works for us and means we can access the other joint account if needed. This was useful when DH had his first stroke.
In answer to OP, I think you have a right to spend a proportion of your own money as you wish.

Bluegal Mon 16-Apr-18 16:56:25

I think the “key” is what works for you! Clearly Rambling Rosie whatever you are doing is NOT working for you!

We don’t know if insisting you have your own money would be an option or if your DH would freak out. So some of the responses may not work - for you.

Personally I work on the premise that’s what his is ours and what’s mine is my own lol
But am just lucky with my second marriage I guess. In my first marriage (was widowed) everything was joint. We had lots of separate problems which are not relevant here but no I never had to justify anything I bought.

I can’t imagine being in your position. All I can advise is talking to him and if he won’t listen, kick him into touch! ??.

You are at a time in life where you need to enjoy your life and be free to make your own choices.

Dontaskme Mon 16-Apr-18 19:17:36

I don't get a pension of any kind for another 5 years but I have given up work as couldn't stand it any longer. My husband earns enough for us both and is more than happy to share. We have always had a joint account and he has never questioned anything. We are a couple and everything is OURS.

Anniepops Mon 16-Apr-18 19:36:16

Oh I could never go back to this existence. When married for the first time ( for 26 years) all our earnings went into a joint account which was controlled by ex. I was always the higher earner but the ex was a man who was expensive and spent the family money on himself. When the children were small I even took on jobs to bring in extra money hoping to spend it on them. Sadly it ended up in my ex's pockets to fuel his love of drink and nightclubs. I never saw my family allowance either, he cashed it and spent it. To speak up about his selfish spending brought bad moods, disappearances and the silent treatment. I was controlled. My release came when I discovered his affair and how he had been involved with another home and family for five years. The worm did turn then and my fight for my family home and pension rights was bravely won against the short term guilt he felt. Never again. Now happily remarried my DH and I have separate accounts. We share responsibility for household bills and DH uses a huge chunk of his pension to put towards our holiday fund. I can indulge my DGC in a way I never could my own DC. I sometimes reflect on that silly woman I was in the past but you think you love and are loved in return along with your children. Some people are just born selfish and will never change.

RamblingRosie Mon 16-Apr-18 20:55:39

Thank you so much Gransnetters for your replies, you have given me lots of sensible advice. I have decided to sit down and try to have a proper discussion with DH hopefully without him walking away in the middle of it!
When I was working full time I put an agreed amount into the joint account every month, and had enough money left over to spend as I wished.
Since retiring DH seems obsessed with controlling our finances, though he likes to buy a big car and stay in expensive hotels. If I disagree with the expense he gets annoyed and then doesn’t speak to me for a month.
I think the suggestion that we each put in an agreed percentage of our income into the joint account to cover household expenses is a good idea Thanks again to all of you

Lilypops Mon 16-Apr-18 23:00:23

Anniepops , you seem to have hijacked part of my username,, it could cause confusion , not a nasty comment just saying ,

SpringyChicken Mon 16-Apr-18 23:25:02

Sounds like your H has issues with more than just money, Rambling Rosie - doesn't speak to you for more than a month? OMG, what a sulker! He's controlling more than money, he's controlling you (or trying to). Please, please stand up to him, for your own sake.

Anniepops Tue 17-Apr-18 06:25:07

Oops Lillypops. Had no idea. My chosen user name is two very special people strung together. Guess we shall have to pop along together. Hope that's fine by you. I do hope you manage to resolve your problem RamblingRosie. Good luck, but don't put up with that silent treatment as it's a form of emotional abuse. Believe me, I've been there.