Spending money

Earn your own money spend your own money, save for your own pension and have your own bank account.

Yes janeaisworth, we are the same, everything into a joint account. When the children came I always joked that I earned it and she spent it, but openness and straightforwardness has always seemed like the only way to run a marriage of equals. Am I daft ? Or just happily married ? After almost fifty years together I think we have it right really.

We have a joint account because my DH worked abroad and I looked after the children in England. When he returned he took control of the money.
When the children left I worked and any money earnt paid for extra things like presents and holidays; my DH always paid the household bills. To get my pension I had to top up, which came out of my earnings, and I too had to wait until my mid sixties.
We have never discussed money as I was told it was nothing to worry about and as far as DH is concerned my pension is not important either. So I have kept it and we continue as we have done. However since the control of the housekeeping is out of my hands we live a life of boom and bust, so I save my pension for those rainy days that occur.
One important point was made to me by friends was that because I didn't have a credit card or bank account it means I do not have a credit record and life would be difficult if I suddenly found myself on my own. So I have opened a bank account for my pension and have a credit card but rarely use it, mainly to buy on line.

I suggest, even recommend, that you both contribute exactly the same amount into a joint account. Anything left over from your individual contribution, you each keep as private spends to do with what you wish.
If YOUR total income is £800pm and HIS is £1200pm, then each could contribute £600 to the pot and YOU would then have £200 to spend as you wish...NO QUESTIONS ASKED.
The fact that he'd have more soending money is not the issue. He sounds tight so to prevent any argument now or in future, it's best to contribute equally.
Anything that is particular to one party ie: his golf club membership or a pilates class you might attend would have to come out of your private spending money.
These are only hypothetical amounts as you know what your income is.
I certainly wouldn't be dictated to. You are equal.

Nankate
Ones DH is not ones keeper and no way should any one have to' insist' they have their own bank account.
This is 21c. Women have careers, not destined to spend their lives cooking and cleaning which was for so long seen to be a woman's lot. I do believe that should a woman earn money she should make a contribution not expect DH or partner to pay for everything in the running of their home. Exceptions ? you are fortunate to have a millionaire DH/partner.

OH and I have only been together for 10 years so perhaps slightly different to those of you who have been married for years.
I am retired and at the moment only have my state pension plus some savings. OH works and has a lot more money than I do coming in.
We have separate bank accounts but he pays all bills, I contribute towards the food bill.
If we buy anything for the home we split the costs 50/50, my choice.
We both have 2 daughters, 2 SIL's and 5 grandchildren. He pays for presents for his, I do for mine, although they are from us both, again this works for us.
We never disagree about money. Things will probably change when he retires in 3 years time.
He also pays mostly for meals out and often buys me clothes. He is very generous.

Obviously if you don’t have a joint a/c now... it’s possibly time to create one.
And both need to put in a percentage of your incomes.
If it’s internet banking you can both have easy access.
As for what you do with your surplus... you can choose whether to share that information
But an equal percentage from each of you seems a fair start...

Hardest is the conversation before plans... good luck with that x

I can't equate what I do, as my own circumstances are quite different. My divorce allows me the income from letting out the marital homebut I still own 50%. I have my own pensions, state and private and half my ex's pensions plus income from shares.
When we were still married he put an allowance into my bank to cover everything bar the mortgage, holidays and his golf club fees.
He used to question why I never spent it all (it was a large amount) but he never asked what I paid for anything. I'm lucky in that money (or the lack of it) has never been an issue.

*coconut" forgive me, I laughed at your post. DH and I do not have the same attitude to money at all. He worries about it and yet won't look at my spreadsheet showing where it all is. I don't worry about it because I know where it all is. When I want to move money which is in his name I can just give him a form and he will sign it without looking at it. What works for one couple won't for another.

The reason it works for us is total trust, nothing else.

We've had separate accounts, as we didn't meet until we were 50, and it's always been "our" money. I earned more than he did until I took early retirement, but we've never fallen out over money. I do all the bill paying, and I tell him if I need more for anything. We're both now retired, and our income is very modest, but the agreement is that I spend what is needed (and sometimes what isn't!) and if I run short, he will transfer money to my account. Anything spare at the end of the month goes into our savings.

We both had ex-spouses who spent wildly, and we both appreciate the sense of each other now.

I had a joint bank account with my ex husband and I didn't like it, he tended to take control of that, both our incomes went in and he then switched quite a substantial amount of that every month into a joint savings account and then had the cheek to tell ne we had to be careful for the rest of the month because we didn't have a lot in our current account Yes I could make purchases but I got sick of running it all past him first. However that was all a long time ago.

Present husband and I have been together 34 years or so and we happily operate separate bank accounts, he has a state pension, private pension and investments in a wrap that he draws on for big things like holidays etc. He pays me housekeeping, not a huge amount as I have rental income from a flat I own, I have to wait till next year to get a state pension. He pays all the bills and my petrol and my car maintenance. I pay for some of the entertaining and all the food and housekeeping I pay for my own health club fees and similarly he pays for his golf club fees. I cover the cost of my own clothes, shoes, make up, hairdressing and similarly he pays for his stuff out of his account and he also pays for our once a week cleaner, cos that was his idea although I do appreciate having one. We both however regard any money and assets as "joint" but I think we both like separate accounts though it works for us.

We have joint accounts. As an adult I would never feel that I had to ask permission to spend money. He spends money on things I wouldn’t and vice versa. But it works out quite fairly. Swings and Roundabouts. I have just taken early retirement and OH still works. That hasn’t changed anything in the way we deal with our finances. We do discuss larger purchases.
I feel quite sad that someone in this day and age has to ask for permission to spend their own money. We are the generation that fought for equality in the work place, why wouldn’t we insist on equity at home

Since I married my second husband 25 years ago (sadly he has recently passed away) he has been happy for me to “do the accounts) - in fact he said we’d never go broke with me in charge!! Both our DSS pensions went into our joint account topped up by an equal sum from both our private pensions. Both our private pensions went into our individual bank accounts. We never knew what was in each other’s account. We had joint modest savings. It worked well
I guess we were fortunate that we both trusted each other.

I can’t urge you strongly enough to take control of your own money. I finally insisted on it with my pension and it’s a liberation. If you really do need some of your pension to help with bills etc then set up a (small?) direct debit to the joint account. I ‘justified’ it by saying I wanted to be able to buy him presents without him knowing how much I’d spent. He wasn’t happy but has now settled into it.

We have had a joint account ever since I can remember. All our earnings are paid into it and apart from major expenditure, which we discuss, small purchases are taken from it; we save anything left over. We both have our own credit cards which are usually paid off each month.

I do the finances, always have done and DH is happy to let me do so. He spends much more than me but despite some misgivings I never query what he spends as two thirds of our income comes from his hard work since he was 16. My third comes from state pension and a small occupational pension. Similarly he never queries what I spend. I had a small inheritance when my mother died over 20 years ago and it was put into our joint account before we decided to spend most of it on a patio and landscaping in the garden of our house at the time. I never thought of it as ‘my money’.

My sister-in-law and her husband are just the opposite. They have always had separate accounts; I believe he pays all the household bills and she still has a part time job, the earnings from which she considers her money. I have even heard them say to each other, “You owe me for **”,sometimes about very small amounts. She is even going on holiday without him in July. It wouldn’t work for us but as long as they are happy who are we to judge?

If you feel resentful about what he wants you need to talk it through and come up with a solution that neither of you resent.

Money can be a touchy subject within couples. We have a joint account which our private pensions go into - this covers all outgoing expenses. We each keep our own State pension, to do with as we wish I might add.

I don't agree with joint accounts. Too many stories of one partner being profligate with it.
Work out what all the household bills total up to, add the cost of the weekly shop and then each pay in an equal share.
Then each have your own personal account for personal spending. For unexpected expenses like repair or replacement of household items each pays half, or you could even have a separate account for that. Saves arguments and you both have your own spending money.

Always had joint acts until I retired. I wanted to have my own money so that at Christmas, b'days etc I actually felt that I was buying the gifts for DH also wouldn't feel obliged to ask or feel guilty before I bought myself something expensive. Everything else is still joint and I do use my 'own' money towards holidays and joint treats etc

RRosie I hope you are getting the benefit of the up market hotels that your OH is fond of and have the use of his car that your pension seems to be going towards funding.
A phone call to DWP with new bank details would have your pension paid into a separate account just for you then offer him a proportion of it towards bills and keep the remainder.

Tell your DH to take a running jump and be aware that if he is starting to control you now that you are just retired, the writing is on the wall. You suggest your private pension is smaller than his and I guess the reason is because in your life you have spent some time at home bringing up children and keeping house so that he has had a home and family to return to. That needs to be calculated as time you gave to support him and that didn't help to bolster your pension. You need to have the same amount of money at your disposal as he does so you should have some full and frank discussions about this and hold him accountable for every penny he spends if this is the attitude he is demonstrating towards you. Personally, I too have a very mean husband - quite the opposite from my first very generous one and I find it so debilitating - we have always thank goodness had our own salaries, pensions and accounts - it leads to secrets but it's much better to be like that than be controlled and basically have your worked-for pension earmarked for use by someone else.

We only have joint account, which we both pay into and spend how we want. Although we are reasonably careful and spend only what we know we can afford. But neither of us say how the much then other can spend. It's probably me spends more as I meet up with friends more for a chat and a cuppa, or a meal.

Easily solved. Have your own credit card with diffetent bank from joint account and set up a direct debit from the joint account to pay it off each month. That way it's a lump sum so OH doesn't know what it was spent on. Works for us.

neil When the children came I always joked that I earned it and she spent it, but openness and straightforwardness has always seemed like the only way to run a marriage of equals. Am I daft ?
No Neil, not daft at all ? openness and straightforwardness works for us too.
When I was a stay-at-home mother and the only income that accrued to me was Child Benefit (those were the days) I would have hated to feel that I was using MrA’s money, rather than our money, to run the house and feed us all.
At the time, for life insurance purposes, Legal and General calculated that the value of the work that a SAHM did was £19,000 per annum.
That was actually more than MrA’s income at the time.

Martin Lewis always advised not to have joint accounts. We never had joint accounts, had our own bank accounts which our salaries went into each month then we each transferred money into a bill account every month which had nothing other than bill money in it. Worked fine for us for years. How does it work if you have joint account and you want to buy OH a birthday present, they can see all your doing. I remember back in the 80s being advised by the bank not to have joint accounts. Moving with the times I think nowadays modern Britain is all about having seperate accounts.

It must have been a generation thing that mums told their daughters to always keep some money of your own so if you ever want to leave or get away you have some money because that is exactly what my mum told me and my sisters. Good advice.