Spending money

tessa ^ How does it work if you have joint account and you want to buy OH a birthday present, they can see all your doing^
You ask OH what he wants for his birthday.
He tells you.
You buy it, or better still, he buys it himself.
Simples!

Ramblingrosie..... If I can give one piece of advice its this. Do not under ANYcircumstances put your pension into your joint account!!! Many many years ago my husband who already had a very nice works pension to look forward to said that 'we' couldn't afford a private pension for me. While he spent copious amounts on regularly updating his car and holidays. Also 'we' couldn't afford driving lessons for me!!! He has controlled me and the finances for 45 years ... then 4 years ago I got my state pension. He just assumed I was going to put it into our joint account( I say 'our' but he always controlled it and me through it!! I have worked 49 years and finially got my pension like you a couple years after the 'promised' 60 years old. When I told him i had opened a solo account and my pension was going into that he went ballistic!!! Thought he was gonna lash out physically... but he restrained himself and lashed out verbally instead . He called me a selfish cow... a waster... a bitch... you name it and he said it. Might I add that he stopped work at 50 after a minor stroke which gave him the excuse never to work again. I went from part-time to full time to finish paying off the mortgage while he cashed in all his insurance policies and ISA's to bolster up my meagre income. I came home six days a week to start on housework and cooking while he spent 15 hours a day in front of tv. He's still doing that now!! He's got over my 'rebellion' but still tries to control me by asking how much I've saved from my pension. In four years I've saved enough to install new kitchen and am now working toward a new bathroom! I never tell him what I'm doing money-wise. All those years ago he insisted that I didn't NEED a pension as his was enough to keep both of us comfortably. Now I'm making him live up to his boast and his meanness to me. Please please pleas don't let your husband bully you into the decision you'll regret for ever!

Interesting to hear about other people's finances and how they have handled this tricky situation of 'mine' and 'ours'. A lot of it is a generational thing too - men in the 60 to 70 age category normally receive a larger pension because they have a longer work history with no breaks for child raising. Women of the same age often gave up a full time job to raise children and then if and when they went back into the workforce often took part time jobs to fit around their families needs, and in doing so reduced their earning potential which has a direct impact on guaranteed pension income in the retirement years. If you have never seen the need to have your own bank account or have had the opportunity or realized the value of "taking the reins" and managing the family finances instead of leaving it in your husband hands, then trying to make a case for starting to manage your own financial affairs or expecting your husband to be delighted that you want to open your own bank account for your pension is bound to cause friction!

All I know is that it's unlikely that our daughters will face this dilemma as they are better educated and often make careers choices this will minimize this situation.

Yes you definitely should insist. My husband was just the same and we nearly split up over it. I used to be frightened to buy anything because he'd query it when he saw it on our bank statement. He isn't mean but just doesn't see the need to buy things and because he rarely shops he has no idea of the cost of anything. We solved the problem by my setting up my own account which my pension is now paid into. Our joint account gets his pension and a joint private pension we paid into for years. Main household bills come out of the joint account but if it's getting low I pay bills from my account. I can buy clothes, presents, stuff for me and my garden without him knowing the cost and that works fine. He could actually look up my bank statement online if he wanted to but he doesn't. For your own sanity I think you need to sort this out with your husband or you will carry on feeling oppressed by it. Good luck

I have a joint account with h but I also have my own account. It’s ideal for me my state pension and my small private pension are paid into my account, I pay some of the bills and my husband puts in so much each month into my account. He has bills to pay in our joint account.

Why doesn't the whole of his pension go into the joint account? Does he not want you to know how much of a personal allowance he has given himself? I think all bills should come from joint account and an agreed allowance for each of you into a personal account which is entirely private (for clothes, presents, treats whatever you decide between you)

You queried an extravagant expenditure your husband made and he didn't speak to you for a month?
A MONTH?

I'm sorry Rosie, but I think this issue is just the tip of the iceberg regarding your husband's attitude to you.

Every April at the start of the financial year when everything goes up, I make a list of all the household bills, water, gas etc. I work out the cost to each of us per month and we both put in the same to a joint account or what I call the bills account. All other money is kept separately in our own private accounts to do with as we like. We do not have to ask each other if it’s OK to buy whatever, that would drive me up the wall. I have learnt from bitter experience in the past not to put all eggs in one basket. This has worked for us. No discussions or arguments. If we wanted to buy a large item eg washing machine, we both contribute half each from our private accounts. This chap sounds far too controlling and I would certainly not stand for it.

The issue that I'm struggling with here is that your OH wants you to put all of your pension income into the joint account, whereas he only puts part of his in. So he reserves an amount for his personal use to spend as he wishes without consulting you. What does he not understand about the word 'equality'?
And how dare he question how you spend your own money? An allowance? No, don't ask for an allowance, because to do so implies the money is under his control and he is 'allowing' you some. Instead calculate all the household expenses, including groceries, and then pay in half to a joint household account. Anything left over - for either of you - stays in your personal account to do as you please with.
Good luck, I hope you resolve this thorny issue.

I was as well educated as my husband but, as he was in the armed forces, I had no chance, with more than 30 moves, to build up any pension rights of my own even though I worked when I could. Thank God he doesn't argue about' our' money.. Yes, I reckon I earned it, too. I really pity any Forces wives whose husbands are awkward

Married 38 years and never had a joint account. We shared household bills equally and paid half each for holidays, but have always had our own money to spend as we wish. I worked for 44 years and don't need to check with my OH if I want to buy something!

Rambling Rosie
It is an ideal situation for many to have a joint account and if the shoe fits then wear it. How many though will give thought to what if ? One being when one of the holders passes away. What then.? There are common misconceptions regarding ownership of what is in the account..Having to answer questions put you by HMRC is a task in its self ?
Once bitten with all it entailed, from a joint account with my own mother, I made sure when my husband, with whom I had a joint account became ill with a no hope for condition I would get professional advice .Fortunately he had made a will several years previous but a visit to my a solicitor gave me the information I needed where our joint account was concerned and what action to take. Anyone with the intention for a joint account think twice. Leave no stone unturned, do your homework before entering into any agreement.

The other day my 7 year old DGD told me she had bought a hairband 'with her own money'. It's very basic to our self worth. You should have your own account and your pension should go into that.

My husband and I have a joint account which at present I don't pay any money into. Both of us have our own separate bank accounts, although my husband doesn't really use his. When we first got married, I use to have my wages paid into the joint account but I stopped this when dh started to question what I was spending the money on . When we both retire I am planning to pay by direct debit half the household costs except for food, which I already contribute towards now, into the joint account. My advice is for you to keep your own bank account and decide on an amount you wish to contribute to household costs, paid into the joint account. I personally like to have my own money that I can spend how I wish.

" My " money is ours and DW's money is hers.
All bills are taken from our joint account.
DW has her own account into which her pensions are paid into.
Obviously with no bills to pay her account builds up, and when it does we decide where to move it, usually to another account in her name.
There has been several references to you paying in a similar percentage of your pension as your OH does.
I don't agree with this. If his pension is much larger than yours he is going to have far more money for himself than will be available to you.
you want it so that if he has £100 to himself then you too should expect the same.
I had, reading through the posts, intended to ask whether he bullied you in any other aspects of your life.
The fact that he can go a month without speaking to you if you don't conform speaks volumes for his personality, or lack of it.
DW often threatens to stop talking to me. I secretly set my watch to see how long she would last.
40 seconds was the quickest return to conversing, though this was extended when I said " You just cant help yourself, can you?! "
Meanness is a trait I can have no truck with, and it is not a description that has been attributed to me by others, though I have had many unflattering comments beside.

We all do what we think is right and works for us as a couple, don't we? However, what concerns me about Ramblinrose's post is how it comes across as her DH being quite controlling by querying any withdrawals she makes from the account and by wanting her to put all her money in the joint account whereas he doesn't do the same. If he insists on having a separate account of his own as well as the joint one, then Ramblingrose needs to do the same. He can't expect it both ways with him having all the control.
By the way, those pensions are yours, not your "allowance*, and because your DH does come across as rather controlling (forgive me if I'm wrong), then you would be wise to put a percentage of it into your own account in fact have it all paid into your own account and set up a direct debit for which ever percentage you feel right to go into the joint account. You then have total control of your pension if ever you need to, i.e, direct debits can be amended/cancelled as necessary. Good luck.

My husband and I have mostly joint accounts, apart from ISAs and I have my own smaller current account.

Most financial transactions go into the joint account, and all bills paid from there.

I use my own account for small luxuries and special items, otherwise we use the main current account.

When I was first married we had a joint account But second time around we both have our own and a joint for the bills which we both pay into. DH still has a moan sometimes how I spend my own money ( when he knows the details! ) but he gets short shrift !

We have always had a joint account into which all our income goes both when we were working and now retired. We each have a personal account too for things like hobbies, clothes, haircuts etc etc.

We discuss savings priorities and put money in various savings accounts at the beginning of the month to cover house, cars and holidays. We leave enough in our joint current account to cover household bills and emergency funds plus a buffer and enough to cover the joint credit card bill which has our food and fuel costs on it for the previous month. We also get exactly the same amount each month to cover personal spending money. At the moment it is £200 each a month.

Any large expenses come out of the current account buffer or emergency funds but we discuss these first. It is unusual for these large expenses to be for anything personal unless they are for a gift for a birthday or Christmas or anything.

My own situation I joint account and all in together as others, but that is not really relevant to your situation as, despite having a joint account, your husband is not paying all his income into there! Does he have another account? Is that his "spending money"? On the basis of this arrangement you are absolutely entitled to have a proportion of your own income also kept separate from the joint account. If he queries it, ask why your circumstances should be different to his!! In my view you have to clearly draw a line on this one, and insist you have a proportion for you. If you don't I suspect things will get worse for you as you both get older! And querying your spending ...assuming that you are not going beyond budget and what can be afforded ...them what the heck is that about? What a cheek! Sorry, I know he is you husband but ...really????

We decided to merge in our late forties after a conversation about the inevitable.
I manage all the money and the bills. We now have the opposite problem that if something happens to me DH won’t even know how to access his own money. He’s not bothered either... works for me!

I have always handled all our finances, and my husband has been very pleased to let me do so. Ironically, he has a degree in Economics!
I have been beginning to worry about how he would handle everything if he was the one left. I have tried to set up everything clearly, and we have set up powers of attorney. I've also got a book with details of bank accounts, pensions, savings account, insurance policies, car details, telephone, internet, etc etc., and try to keep it up to date. I make sure that other family members know where this is.

When we retired I did a budget of all our monthly outgoings including food bills, split in in half and I give my husband my contribution monthly directly into his bank account. Apart from that we're very relaxed, we both have separate accounts which our various work and state pensions go into and also keep our savings separate. As regards extras it varies, sometimes my husband pays for stuff, sometimes me. I have always been financially independent with lots of hobbies and my husband is the same. It works very well for us. We are not wealthy but comfortable and can have some treats. I never take it for granted and feel very grateful. I hope you will find the strength to fight your corner on this one, your husband sounds unreasonable and controlling.

My first husband was very much like the OP's but when he queried me paying my car tax 2 days after my salary was paid into the joint account I went to the bank next day to open an account in my name only for my salary to be paid into.
With myhusband now we have separate accounts. I would never have a joint account with him because he spends money too easily. When we first moved abroad he wasn't of pensionable age so I paid the lion's share of the bills but now he has much more pension money than me he pays the bulk of the bills. He leaves me to deal with everything and I am quite happy to do so.

We have never done mine and yours money we have always had an our money attitude and it has always worked for us