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Funeral worries.

(32 Posts)
WildRoses Thu 10-May-18 20:24:51

I'm going to a funeral tomorrow and I am absolutely dreading it. I know there is no such thing as an easy funeral but this one is going to be so tough. It's for the mother of my boss. My boss and his family are really close friends of my husband and I. His mother was an absolutely lovely, genuine lady who always made such a fuss of me when she saw me and needless to say the family is devasted, but my friend/boss has just absolutely gone to pieces as he was incredibly close to his mum. I just have no idea what to say to my friend or his family. I feel so awkward at funerals anyway and feel no matter what I say it's just going to sound forced or stupid. I know nothing I say is going to ease the pain of the family. Please give me some advice.

janeainsworth Thu 10-May-18 20:32:35

Your presence will give comfort to the family, wildroses.
You don’t have to say anything more than how sorry you are, and what a lovely lady she was, and acknowledge how hard it is for them all.

granfromafar Thu 10-May-18 21:11:34

Agree with janeainsworth in that just attending the funeral is giving great support. A hug to your boss and his wife can often be better than saying anything. It will take time for your boss/friend to accept the loss so just be there for the family and give a shoulder to cry on. Never an easy day for family and friends but you and they will get through it.

Nanabilly Thu 10-May-18 21:31:54

I agree with what's already been said that just being there will be enough for them . Just give them a hug and say something along the lines of "I'm here if you need me" but only if you mean it of course. Add your sympathies too and that will be enough for now then you can always give them some of your time at a later date by taking a bit of baking around and staying for a chat but be prepared to talk about the deceased lady as it will bring them some comfort.
Funerals are always tough aren't they?

Deedaa Thu 10-May-18 21:33:05

Just be there and don't worry about saying much. The worst funeral I ever went to was the 14 year old daughter of a friend. Everybody was completely beyond speech but we were all glad to be there to offer support.

WildRoses Thu 10-May-18 22:08:51

Thank you everyone. I'm filling up just thinking about how difficult it's going to be for them all tomorrow. I'm going to work straight afterwards tomorrow as well so I'm definitely not looking forward to that.

stella1949 Fri 11-May-18 00:17:38

At least the lady was in the older age group. The last one I went to was for my son's friend, age 30, who'd committed suicide. Sometimes words just don't come because you are so choked up yourself , but it's good to go and to "be there" for the family.

I'm sure there will be lots of people there, and yours will be one of many condolences given. Just say you're so sorry, and that you're there for them at this time. Nothing you say will sound awkward to them , I promise you. They'll just be glad to see you there.

grannyactivist Fri 11-May-18 00:37:43

WildRoses many people feel awkward at funerals and worry about what to wear/say/do, but, as others have said, simply being there is a comfort and whatever you actually say or do will be accepted in the spirit it's offered. flowers

SpringyChicken Fri 11-May-18 07:12:30

Best wishes for today, WildRoses.

Bellasnana Fri 11-May-18 07:27:14

From my own experience when my DH died three years ago, I went through his funeral as if in a trance. I can’t remember everyone who came up to me, nor what they said. It was enough that so many had turned out to show their respect for a lovely man.

I’m sure your boss will appreciate the fact that you are there to offer support and words are not really needed.

Hope it isn’t too traumatic flowers

M0nica Fri 11-May-18 07:55:13

My sister died in a road accident in her 40s. While words helped, it was the number of people who made the effort just to come to the funeral that were the greatest consolation. To see the church packed with people told us how much she meant to so many people.

Since then I have always done my level best to attend funerals, knowing how consoling just the number present can be.

MawBroon Fri 11-May-18 07:56:26

Totally echoing what Bellasnana said.
There is no need to say anything particularly profound, in fact conversation is the last thing on your mind when you have lost someone.
It was only six months ago but I really cannot remember anybody specific from Paws funeral outside of the family but the presence of friends, neighbours, former colleagues at the church was a comforting indication of their respect for him.
Whether they cried or not I have no idea.
You’ll be fine.

littleflo Fri 11-May-18 09:04:06

It is such a relief when people don’t say anything. A handshake, a hug, an arm stroke or just being there, is ofte. enough.

The constant having to say thank you, or agreeing what a wonderful person she was is so wearying. True friends know when to keep quiet. What meant the most to me was the words expressed in condolence cards or people who wrote letters.

WildRoses Fri 11-May-18 09:09:08

Thank you. Thank you everyone.

MawBroon Fri 11-May-18 09:33:09

I agree about the cards and letters too. I too have agonised about the right thing to write in the past, but when it came to us, I didn’t need to read any profound thoughts but just hearing from people was a comfort.
My favourite comment (and there were quite a few like this) was “a gentle man and a gentleman” which for me, summed him up.

patriciageegee Fri 11-May-18 10:33:08

Agree with all the sentiments above. When you are beyond words yourself a gesture can help so much without the need to speak. And a good 'turn out' is so comforting. Even though it can feel difficult to attend for whatever reason, putting aside one's own tredpidations and making the effort to show how much your loved one was valued and appreciated is beyond price. flowers

Cuckoo22 Fri 11-May-18 10:35:36

Having lost so many friends and family myself, the thing that helped most was when people said they would always remember the person lost. Other than that, just follow the lead of who you are speaking with, and your heart.

Kim19 Fri 11-May-18 10:40:04

The one message I remember from the long formal line up at my husband's funeral was from a neighbour (not particularly close but decidedly congenial relationship) who looked me straight in the eye, shook my hand beautifully and said 'I'm SO sorry'. Never forgotten that. Don't know why but it was extremely moving at the time and surpassed all others. My advice would therefore be to say little. Your friends know where your heart lies.

Magrithea Fri 11-May-18 10:41:24

A genuine hug speaks volumes as does your presence.

A good piece of advice I was given was to share your memories of the person who's died. It may be easier when sending a card but happy memories are always good to share

Gillcro Fri 11-May-18 10:43:42

I didn't go to funeral but was asked by my friend to go back to her
house with close family and few friends after the funeral of her stillborn grandson. I didn't know what to say but cuddles and a shoulder to cry on was all she needed from me.

NemosMum Fri 11-May-18 10:44:16

If the family are lined up for handshakes outside the church/crem, and you have to go through the handshake thing, you could just say, "I'm so sorry, she was a lovely lady and I will miss her". Please don't say, "If there's anything I can do ... ". Having buried two husbands, I absolutely hated that! I felt like saying something very rude indeed to those I thought were insincere, and something facetious to others, like, "Yes, funny you should say that, I've got a tap washer that needs replacing".wink

Coconut Fri 11-May-18 11:02:41

“Always here for you” is the most I say or write when someone close suffers a loss ... let’s face it, words are totally inadequate at times like these.

blue60 Fri 11-May-18 11:29:15

Just you being there will be enough. We all grieve in different ways, and what people say have different effects on different people.

If you feel the need to show your support by way of sympathising through your words, then go with your instincts.

peaches50 Fri 11-May-18 11:33:25

all good advice. Best I ever got was at my Dad's funeral - a horrible horrible day with Mum suffering early dementia and our overwhelming grief through all the accolades of his personal attributes, his best friend said 'he was a wonderful man and so proud of you and your sisters. He did a fine job on all of you and you were his greatest life achievement'. Welling up now just to remember. Your boss will find similar sentiments as comforting. Otherwise like so many have said a strong silent hug, kind and meaningful words with a personal anecdote to reflect her personality and how much she made life a better place in a card/letter will be of great comfort. God bless and hope it will be tine for tears but some smiles as you say goodbye to what sounds a lovely lady. We'll all be thinking of you flowers

mabon1 Fri 11-May-18 13:26:23

My husband had written his wishes clearly many years before he died - only the close family at the funeral. This lead to a couple who had been "friends" of ours for many years falling out with me as I would not allow anyone except close family to attend.