Funeral worries.

Not everyone likes close contact though Panache
When my daughter's husband died I remember her saying
' If anyone else hugs me I will scream' We are not a demonstrative family.

The warmth and comfort from a real hug or a gentle arm around the shoulder speaks a thousand words.
At such occasions, as all our dear Grans have mentioned repeatedly, with so much happening, the grief overwhelming ....... it is your presence and sincere hug that will more than suffice and probably stand out.

I was at a close friend of my dads funeral last Thursday. Who was, like my dad, a life long Newcastle United supporter. The humanist service was both amusing and touching. In fact really lovely and a brilliant tribute to a lovely man.

I am at my DDiL’s grandfathers next Thursday .
2 thursdays in a row. Hopefully no more for a very long time !

Unfortunately, like most people I have been to many funerals. If you are at a loss to say what is in your heart, perhaps by writing it all down in a sympathy card and handing it to bereaved may be of comfort to both you and them, particularly if a child has passed over.

I wonder how it all went WildRoses , I am sure your presence was appreciated.

mabon1 how sad and shame on your friends.

First funeral I ever went to I was aged 11 and it was for my niece who was just 1 week old. The sight of such an small white coffin was horrible and has remained with me for many years.
I have attended many funerals since then including both my parent's, however, the last funeral I attended was particularly harrowing as it was for a nephew and 2 of his friends...age 19, 18, 18 all sadly killed in a tragic accident that was not their fault.

My husband had written his wishes clearly many years before he died - only the close family at the funeral. This lead to a couple who had been "friends" of ours for many years falling out with me as I would not allow anyone except close family to attend.

all good advice. Best I ever got was at my Dad's funeral - a horrible horrible day with Mum suffering early dementia and our overwhelming grief through all the accolades of his personal attributes, his best friend said 'he was a wonderful man and so proud of you and your sisters. He did a fine job on all of you and you were his greatest life achievement'. Welling up now just to remember. Your boss will find similar sentiments as comforting. Otherwise like so many have said a strong silent hug, kind and meaningful words with a personal anecdote to reflect her personality and how much she made life a better place in a card/letter will be of great comfort. God bless and hope it will be tine for tears but some smiles as you say goodbye to what sounds a lovely lady. We'll all be thinking of you

Just you being there will be enough. We all grieve in different ways, and what people say have different effects on different people.

If you feel the need to show your support by way of sympathising through your words, then go with your instincts.

“Always here for you” is the most I say or write when someone close suffers a loss ... let’s face it, words are totally inadequate at times like these.

If the family are lined up for handshakes outside the church/crem, and you have to go through the handshake thing, you could just say, "I'm so sorry, she was a lovely lady and I will miss her". Please don't say, "If there's anything I can do ... ". Having buried two husbands, I absolutely hated that! I felt like saying something very rude indeed to those I thought were insincere, and something facetious to others, like, "Yes, funny you should say that, I've got a tap washer that needs replacing".

I didn't go to funeral but was asked by my friend to go back to her
house with close family and few friends after the funeral of her stillborn grandson. I didn't know what to say but cuddles and a shoulder to cry on was all she needed from me.

A genuine hug speaks volumes as does your presence.

A good piece of advice I was given was to share your memories of the person who's died. It may be easier when sending a card but happy memories are always good to share

The one message I remember from the long formal line up at my husband's funeral was from a neighbour (not particularly close but decidedly congenial relationship) who looked me straight in the eye, shook my hand beautifully and said 'I'm SO sorry'. Never forgotten that. Don't know why but it was extremely moving at the time and surpassed all others. My advice would therefore be to say little. Your friends know where your heart lies.

Having lost so many friends and family myself, the thing that helped most was when people said they would always remember the person lost. Other than that, just follow the lead of who you are speaking with, and your heart.

Agree with all the sentiments above. When you are beyond words yourself a gesture can help so much without the need to speak. And a good 'turn out' is so comforting. Even though it can feel difficult to attend for whatever reason, putting aside one's own tredpidations and making the effort to show how much your loved one was valued and appreciated is beyond price.

I agree about the cards and letters too. I too have agonised about the right thing to write in the past, but when it came to us, I didn’t need to read any profound thoughts but just hearing from people was a comfort.
My favourite comment (and there were quite a few like this) was “a gentle man and a gentleman” which for me, summed him up.

Thank you. Thank you everyone.

It is such a relief when people don’t say anything. A handshake, a hug, an arm stroke or just being there, is ofte. enough.

The constant having to say thank you, or agreeing what a wonderful person she was is so wearying. True friends know when to keep quiet. What meant the most to me was the words expressed in condolence cards or people who wrote letters.

Totally echoing what Bellasnana said.
There is no need to say anything particularly profound, in fact conversation is the last thing on your mind when you have lost someone.
It was only six months ago but I really cannot remember anybody specific from Paws funeral outside of the family but the presence of friends, neighbours, former colleagues at the church was a comforting indication of their respect for him.
Whether they cried or not I have no idea.
You’ll be fine.

My sister died in a road accident in her 40s. While words helped, it was the number of people who made the effort just to come to the funeral that were the greatest consolation. To see the church packed with people told us how much she meant to so many people.

Since then I have always done my level best to attend funerals, knowing how consoling just the number present can be.

From my own experience when my DH died three years ago, I went through his funeral as if in a trance. I can’t remember everyone who came up to me, nor what they said. It was enough that so many had turned out to show their respect for a lovely man.

I’m sure your boss will appreciate the fact that you are there to offer support and words are not really needed.

Hope it isn’t too traumatic

Best wishes for today, WildRoses.

WildRoses many people feel awkward at funerals and worry about what to wear/say/do, but, as others have said, simply being there is a comfort and whatever you actually say or do will be accepted in the spirit it's offered.