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AIBU

Hurt and feeling unappreciated

(108 Posts)
Emm14 Sun 13-May-18 13:06:25

Hello wise ladies
It’s mother’s day today in my part if the world. My adult daughter bought me a beautiful gift and card but as usual, my adult son did nothing special - I got a text to wish me happy mother’s day.
My son hasn’t bought me gifts or cards for a few years now, he is thoughtless and I have accepted it - or so I thought - but it really hurts this year. He and his wife have recently had a baby and I have given them so much support over the past 6 months. Not only emotional and practical support but also financial. I am always here for them and they rely on me - and my husband - a lot. I am sad that my DIL hasn’t found it in her heart to even wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. I am so over giving and getting nothing in return. It isn’t the monetary value, I don’t want expensive gifts; I just want a token of appreciation. AIBU? What can I do to just accept my son and his wife are selfish and thoughtless? How do I stop giving? Thank you all

Granny23 Sun 13-May-18 13:18:05

If they have recently had a baby then this will be DIL's very first Mother's Day. I expect your DS, on behalf of their baby, will be spoiling her rotten and has at least taken time to send a text to you.

You are no longer the main MOTHER in this family, you have been promoted to Granny, which is also an honourable and joyful position.

dogsmother Sun 13-May-18 13:20:13

Yes I would be hurt. But please don’t turn it into a problem with your DIL, it’s down to him and I would let him know, probably in an easygoing way as possible though. Do not stop giving, the lady thing we should do is give in order to receive, certainly not to our children however be wary of what you do give.....

wildswan16 Sun 13-May-18 13:36:15

I have three sons, sometimes they remember to text or phone on Mothers Day, sometimes not. It is just another day and I really don't feel I need a particular day for them to tell me they care about me.

Your DIL has a new baby - she too is now a mum, you are a new grandmother. Your son is a new father, just be happy for them and forget about your hurt feelings.

Panache Sun 13-May-18 13:42:18

Wise words here and I simply add............ keep on giving,show your generosity and love in abundance,refuse to let this cause a rift and hurt within, because after all it may well be your turn next..........as a grandmother.

Men/boys are notoriously poor at remembering and reaching out on import dates..............main thing is that you have a loving relationship all around family members .................complete with a brand new born.

Bridgeit Sun 13-May-18 13:45:22

Take comfort that this is probably thoughtlessness rather than deliberate at least this year,however if they don’t bother next year or don’t acknowledge your birthday etc, then I think you have every right to be upset,then you can adjust your input with them accordingly, best wishes.

BlueBelle Sun 13-May-18 13:47:01

Oh please don’t fret about this I give both time, plus, plus plus to all my children, one always takes me out to a meal gives me a present and card, the one who lives in another country usually sends fb greetings on THAT countries Mother’s Day not mine, the third one (a daughter and mum herself) wouldn’t know if it was mother’s, father or best shopkeepers day, she never remember birthdays of anybody, but everyone always gives her cards and presents them ...it’s just her
It doesn’t mean that child loves you any less
Please don’t be hurt it’s only a commercial day it’s really nothing to get uptight about

Maggiemaybe Sun 13-May-18 14:12:14

Two of my DC spoil me rotten with carefully chosen presents and thoughtful cards on Mother's Day, the other occasionally manages a 29p card or a last minute gift still in its brown paper bag. Even when I was overcome when he once presented me with a Super Mum mug (until he told me he'd seen it in the supermarket bargain basket because the box was battered), he hasn't learnt how easy it is to gain those important Brownie points!

It's just the way some people are about marking, or not marking, special days, OP. If he's thoughtful and loving for the rest of the year, don't sweat the small stuff.

Luckygirl Sun 13-May-18 14:15:56

It's just a day like any other - the fact that commercialism has taken over and dedicated this day to get people to buy, buy, buy is neither here nor there.

If he has a 6 month old and is a new father, his mind will be elsewhere. Don't take it personally - just enjoy being grandma.

We are too old to be getting in a fret about these things.

MaudLillian Sun 13-May-18 14:29:48

I often wonder if any of my 3 sons would ever remember me on Mother's Day if I didn't actually ask that they come over and cook a meal for me on the day, and spend time with me! I'm not putting it to the test, I love being with them, and it's all I want. It's all I want from my granddaughter too - I will give any of them anything. All I want from them is their company. Occasionally they surprise me and these are special moments. I miss them all living with me and treasure all the times we get to spend together, however short. Perhaps daughters are generally more thoughtful about their mothers, I wouldn't know - but if my sister in law is anything to go by, daughters ( my nieces) can be very cruel, not just thoughtless. I make it known that my greatest pleasure in life is to be with my sons and my granddaughter - gifts and cards do not matter much. In fact, they are often the things that replace time spent with loved ones, as a sort of 'guilt offering' and I don't want any of that - just their company.

Craicon Sun 13-May-18 14:55:56

If they have their own family, I would expect them to spend Mother’s Day with their partner and DC. I can’t imagine requesting them to come and visit me, unless they lived very nearby and spent a short while visiting perhaps.
FaceTime works well for these occasions.

Jalima1108 Sun 13-May-18 15:11:19

If they have recently had a baby then this will be DIL's very first Mother's Day.
My first thought too and I wondered if you had telephoned your DIL to wish her a happy First Mother's Day.

I've had phone calls today too - and remembered in time to wish one of my DD a Happy Mother's Day!

OldMeg Sun 13-May-18 15:34:23

Yes, I do think your son is thoughtless, but you’re not going to change him now. Just accept that and take pleasure from your daughter’s gift.

And perhaps be a little less free with your time and money.

Jane10 Sun 13-May-18 15:38:15

It does seem to have turned into yet another commercial bonanza for the greetings card and florist industry. Even the fact that 'Mothering Sunday' seems to have become dislodged from the old date to suit different countries underlines this.
If you want to help your family then do so. You might receive thanks in unexpected ways and at times that don't just fit in with commercially pushed dates and will be all the nicer for it.

joemaxster2018 Sun 13-May-18 15:52:59

I think it’s really sad 😔 that he can’t even pick up the phone to say ‘happy mother’s day’ to his Mum. I know it’s not uncommon especially with boys, but that doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

What’s the old saying? “ A son is a son until he takes a wife, but a daughter is a daughter for life”. I suspect there is some truth in that.

Try not to dwell on it Emm it doesn’t mean he doesn’t care, I like to think if you ever needed him he’d be there for you.

henetha Sun 13-May-18 15:54:21

I don't think you are being unreasonable in feeling hurt.
You've done so much for them, but even if you hadn't
it doesn't take much effort to remember you with a card or some little gift. I wonder how they will feel if their child treats them like that when it grows up.
Commercialism or not, it hurts to be left out, doesn't it.
Nevertheless, keep being kind to them, and remember your DIL on her special days, then hopefully your example will one day rub off on them.

Cold Sun 13-May-18 16:07:33

I can understand why you are feeling hurt about the situation and the lack of effort by your DS.

What I really don't understand is why you appear to be blaming your DIL. It seems rather unreasonable when this is your DS's responsibility. DIL presumably has her own mother and has a new baby. You complain about DIL not calling you - but have you called her on her first Mother's Day?

FarNorth Sun 13-May-18 16:13:28

just be happy for them and forget about your hurt feelings.

If they are appreciative and loving towards you, in general, what's the problem?
It would be very unreasonable to complain, or to change your attitude to them.

ginny Sun 13-May-18 16:15:12

Don’t let it spoil your relationship with them. As others have said it’s just a commercial day,
By the way, your Son sent a greeting, you are his Mother not your DILs. My daughters only sign Mother’s Day cards with their own name and not SILs. I wouldn’t expect it. I am not their Mum although we haygood relationships.

wot Sun 13-May-18 16:22:29

Be glad that you've got relatives and let someone else be center stage for once.

Ilovecheese Sun 13-May-18 16:36:37

If it is not too late, phone your daughter in law now and say something like "I just thought I'd ring you in case that thoughtless son of mine has forgotten mothers day for you too!"

wot Sun 13-May-18 16:43:04

Brilliant!

BlueBelle Sun 13-May-18 16:49:27

Oh I wouldn’t like that Ilovecheese that’s a very passive/aggressive way of doing things
Just stop expecting a man to remember cards if it wasn’t for my daughter in law I doubt my son would go out and buy me a card for anything I know she knows my taste and I know her writing 😂it doesn’t mean my son doesn’t love me

Although I know a few men will prove me wrong and be great card givers the majority of men put no thought about cards at all it’s beyond them why woman count love in cards and it is me really Your son sent you a text greeting you’re a lucky lady how many people on here don’t even hear from their sons from one year to the next be happy and forget these silly commercial days

SpanielNanny Sun 13-May-18 16:52:38

I would just echo the posts from others, and say try not to let it get to you too much. Look at the bigger picture, is your son grateful, loving, appreciate and caring towards you in other ways? If he is the try to see this as what it is, just another day.

I also would urge you not to make this about your dil, she is not selfish, you are not her mother, it is not her responsibility. I often see this double standard, we expect much more from our dils than we would our sons. Do you expect your son to wish dil’s mother a happy Mother’s Day? Or would you think dils mother was being unreasonable if she was on a forum calling your son selfish for not?

What about your dils first mother’s day? Have you acknowledged that with her? She is the mother of your grandchild now, send her a text to acknowledge that this is now a special day for her too.

Mumofone88 Sun 13-May-18 19:17:30

Same as everyone else has said, it isn't nice of him but remember your DIL has a baby, it's her first mother's Day and she has her own mum, don't blame her for your son forgetting to call.