Hurt and feeling unappreciated

Maybe they are aware that mothers' day is a lot of commercialised nonsense.

Mothers' day, Father's Day, valentine 's day, Halloween etc even Christmas all commercial days to encourage us to spend our money on unwanted items. Now it is making problems in yours and many other families because they forgot or didn't do as well as others in the present stakes.

You can start complaining when they won't let you see the GC or they decide to live in New Zealand as that is really something to be upset about.

AmMaz I’m not sure how helpful your comment is. The op stated that her son hasn’t bothered with cards or presents for years, how do you reason that he has now bowed to ‘pressure’ from his wife? Or even more bafflingly, her mother? It is that attitude that causes the awful mil vs dil spats that we so frequently hear about.

My ds actually wrote a beautiful and very moving message in a card to my dil. I must admit to being slightly hurt when I saw it on their fireplace, I got ‘to mum love ds’.
However the more I thought about it, the more I was able to see what a wonderful gesture that was. He was celebrating the mother of his child, the woman who raises his little boy, day in day out. Yes, he’ll only ever have one mum, but there’ll only be ever this one woman who ‘gave’ (his word) him that beautiful child. He was in awe of her following the labour, and frequently tells anybody who will listen what a wonderful mother she is.
I realised that this didn’t mean he had forgotten me, or doesn’t love. The truth is my days of ‘raising’ him are done, yes I would so anything for him, but I am no longer making the all day, everyday sacrifices that we all know mums make.

You’re clearly very close to your son & dil, that speaks volumes about your relationship and how they feel about you. Before you start making rash decisions about what you will & won’t do for them in the future, please bring about how you will feel if you permanently damage the relationship.

Don't withdraw anything - they are just busy with their lives and forget - you are receding in importance in their lives, as is natural. I have sometimes resorted to getting another family member to remind children I want a card on Mothers' day, birthdays too. A friend once made a general announcement that she never wanted any more mother's day or birthday cards, ever, cos she was so fed up with the whole business - no idea how that panned out.

DIL holds all the cards - do not get on wrong side of.

I am afraid giving and getting nothing in return is often a mothers lot! It would be interesting to know why he doesn't send cards or buy you a present but are you prepared to ask and maybe get an answer you really won't like? The apron strings have been cut and unless you are prepared to confront him about it you really have nowhere to go as your DIL does indeed hold all the cards - literally. There is another thread running regarding why sons and husbands don't do cards and presents, I guess its a lot more common than the other way round.

When it comes to sending cards for any occasion IMO it doesn't matter if the person someone is hoping to receive a card from thinks it's "commercialised nonsense", what should be in the mind of the potential sender is whether or not it means something to the recipient.

If mothers don't want cards and or presents on mothers day I'm sure they'll make their feelings known. Mothers who don't make such an announcement clearly do and what a shame that sending a card that means so much is overlooked.

I'd forget their birthdays and Christmas. Wear something glam next time you see them, a nice large (paste even) ring or bracelet or silk scarf and make sure they notice it. When/if they remark on it, say quite casually that 'Yes...isn't it wonderful X (daughter's name) bought it as a Mother's Day gift'.
Having a new baby doesn't empty your mind of everything else. I've had 5 and never forgot birthdays or anniversaries. There is no real excuse. You see stuff in shops and on tv which surely reminds the most empty-headed among us.

I know just how you feel. My DS just about manages to put a very basic message on FB. When my MIL was alive I always made sure my DH made some sort of effort even when I became a mother myself. People are right to say it shouldn’t be a responsibility for the DIL- but most men are careless about these things and it often falls to the woman to remind and encourage! It is nothing to do with expensive cards or flowers- it is the thought that counts and a small gesture can make such a difference!

I love receiving cards from my sons on Mothers day, but I find not to expect anything is he best way, then you won't be disappointed if they forget.

I'm with you on this! My daughter lives in USA so English Mother's Day goes by the board, but I didn't get a card yesterday either! My son only remembers intermittently. I know I'm a sentimental old fool .... but yes, it does hurt!

ooh its a weird one isnt it? All these days. I never quite know what to do with myself. Some child attitude from the past maybe?
I would be inclined OP to be clear and adult and state your wishes, rather than to hope people will second guess them

Smileless, yes, you are right. However Emm14 would benefit from knowing that it's quite normal for relatives to ignore anniversaries, including birthdays.

GabriellaG, are you really suggesting you should play one child off against another? What a horrible idea.

I wouldn't expect a DIL or a SIL to send me a mothers day card or gift. I am not their mother, after all. It is only my own children that I hope will remember this day. Am I unusual?

I don't think any of us can complain if we have at least been told how much we are appreciated at some point during the year but I think it is also nice to be remembered on these specified commercial days because we then feel included which is quite reasonable. It is clearly a triumph for the commercial marketing people.

I am a happy mum in that DS makes huge efforts with our DGC to really celebrate their mum on every event. He makes the most amazing cakes with them and the decoration on them is always amazing - a tad garish perhaps but definitely unique. They have a fun full-on day filled with whacky activities and I think that is wonderful. I usually ring DDIL to enquire what went on this time and we have a really good laugh over it all. He usually remembers me too even if sometimes it is a bit late in the day and might be only a brief phone call and I have to confess that I would be a little sad if he didn't but I know he loves me to bits and we enjoy many long chats on the phone. The remembering me has been so much better once he had a wife to remind him and I play my part and remind him not to forget the special days for his wife too!
He travelled a long way and stayed when DH was injured and looked after me, came with me so that I could follow DH to each hospital, cooked meals and froze some too so that we had some meals in reserve. Now our DD does and did exactly the same but funnily enough it seems more amazing that he did and does all that because he is a man! We have perhaps been conditioned to think in that way, odd isn't it! DD never needs to be reminded and never forgets and is brilliant with the whole family - is it a female thing? I think it probably is. I know that my DH is not too hot on remembering occasions and special days. We always jointly sent our respective mothers and fathers cards and gifts so perhaps he was never properly programmed!

The long and the short of it is that it is best not to get steamed up about any of it because you don't necessarily know the reasons and may never do so either. There is no point in trying to change the way we are or how anyone else is either because it rarely works and causes too many problems and stress. Just spread the love around as best you can.

It is not normal for close relatives to ignore events like birthdays alexa , or at least it isn’t amongst my friends and family.

I wish that there were no such “special days”.they can cause so much hurt and if the adult children are kind and loving then special days are not needed. If they are not kind and loving then the special day just emphasises that fact.

What a load of old tosh about a card, there are people in the world starving, getting blown up, there are natural catastrophes all round us and some can only think about not getting a commercial card from an adult child Please get things into some kind of perspective, we are meant to fade into the background as your adult child has a new more important family now
If you need a card in return for things you ve done over the years it’s about as sad as it can get if you don’t know if your child loves you without an over priced card with words written by someone else I find it hard to believe the inflated importance you ve placed on this tiny, tiny thing

You have said they have a new baby.
I wonder if they have the extra funds to give you what they might feel is a deserving gift? You mentioned you have had to support them financially...
You did forget the golden rule of never comparing children. Daughter did the gift. Lovely.
Son did not, a thousand scenarios could be the explanation.
We all torture ourselves about our worth and it is natural to want to be a star of the day. But of what?
A day which was made up in the first place? We have birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas -- do we need another day in which we must expect a gift?
You gift is that new baby!
P.S. you are not your DIL mom!

What an unkind and unthinking post Bluebelle

hi emm14. have you thought about this from the other angle?
how would you feel if your son marked all relevant events with a card and a gift that cost him money, JUST because you've helped financially? if you heard he did that JUST to "get more out of you"?
what he's actually done is far more personal and meaningful.
i wonder if you're feeling exhausted by everything you've done recently? maybe you need a rest, so you can see how lucky you are to be in contact with your son and dil, and thus your new grandchild. not everyone gets that, you know.
enjoy.

A text from my son would be fine with me & I certainly wouldn't expect a text from DIL.
The help that you are giving is a separate issue & if you feel that you are doing too much perhaps consider reining back a bit?

alchemilla your interpretation of what you thought I was suggesting is interesting! That would hardly be subtle (pressure) . Sorry it touched such a raw nerve.

OldMeg wrote:

It is not normal for close relatives to ignore events like birthdays alexa , or at least it isn’t amongst my friends and family.

But there are all sorts of family interpersonal dynamics. It is wrong and hurtful for anyone to feel that one of their own nearest and dearest is not acceptable in his behaviour, because of his really trivial omission.

That son may be the very one to rally round when his ageing mum needs practical care.

Don't sweat the small stuff.

I have two wonderful sons whom I love dearly. One of them sends birthday and mother's/father's day cards without fail. The other one, never. It's just the way he is and although I admit it would be nice if he remembered, I don't let it bother me. In fact I sometimes tease him about it but without any feelings of reproach. He loves me and my DH and we know that. I'm sure the same can be said of your DS so just console yourself with that and try to accept the situation. I'm sure it's not meant as a slight by either him or your DIL.