Hurt and feeling unappreciated

I am waiting on Boss Day or Secretary Day or Aunty Day or Cousin Day or how about Best Friend Day or even Neighbour Day - you could go on and on- money making - saying all that however my son goes bring me card & flowers and brings the grandchildren too?

Dear Emm I'm probably going to be one of very few who thinks, commercialism or not, it's a day when children can make their mum feel special. Nothing wrong with that.

As you say, your son has always tended to be rather thoughtless and has got away with it!

Two stories. My BFF also happens to be my hairdresser & I was in the salon a few days after Mother's Day (UK). In strolls her son with the belated Mother's Day card, he lived close to the salon.

She'd already said to me "hmmmm no card from DS" & was feeling sad.
As he handed card over, I turned round & said "no point now, Mother's Day was 4 days ago .... Mothering Sunday".
He didn't flicker an eye lid & just confirmed that he was one spoilt self centred man!

With my own son, many years ago when he was about 16-17 still at school but with an amazing well paid Saturday/evening job, Christmas came along and not one single pressie had he bought for me, his dad, his twin sister, his grandparents etc.

Didn't say a word to him about it but on Boxing Day my exact words were:

"Why do you think you're exempt from showing love and gratitude to your family. It comes around only once a year so there's plenty of time to save a little in time to buy a small gift for those you love".

Well, it never happened again and he does in fact spend way too much on us all and actually is great at choosing exactly what you want, be it cheap or expensive.

He just needed telling!!!

My mother was with us until she was 96 and I can honestly say Mother's Day was aimed at her right to the end. Then it was my turn! So to those who give your son an excuse because he has a new baby, I say "so what". You can have dozens of babies but you only ever have ONE MOTHER!

I'm sorry you're feeling sad and upset ..... But I would be too!
Here's some ? and a virtual hug ?

When my son had his first child I remember recognising that there was 'another mum' in his life! I soon realised that it didn't change his feelings for me at all......he's a kind and loving chap.....but he might 'forget' to get a card in time etc! I certainly didn't expect my DiL to treat me as 'mum'.....she has her own mother. But nowadays I'll text a 'happy mothers day' msg to her and she pings one back to me. It keeps things light.

It's awful feeling unappreciated. But I do think boys/men are much more thoughtless about marking special days. Us ladies set much more store by them. I think your DIL could perhaps have prompted him to maybe send you some flowers as you've been so supportive. But maybe she's just wrapped up in being a new mother. It can be all consuming. And it's possible that her own family have never made much of mother's day. Maybe you could drop a hint to your daughter that you are a little hurt and perhaps she could tactfully mention it to your son.

I agree with the comments of both Bluebelle & Lilihu. I find all the commercialisation now of what was once known as Mothering Sunday, and celebrated very simply by little cards and gifts the children made at school/Sunday school, just too much. All the hype and expectation it causes in some people who may feel neglected or forgotten is brought to the fore by constant advertising. It's just another day, for me it's the unexpected little things my AC do at other times of the year and not just because the card manufacturers and florists and restaurants say spend..spend..spend.

Whilst I don't think there is any harm in telling somebody that you feel unappreciated, I think it is rather sad that you feel that your son's appreciation is measured on one day of the year, especially when he is probably learning how to balance being a father and a husband. He probably has enough on his plate and if you have been happy to accept a text all the other years, he probably feels he's done brilliantly to find the time to text you even though he now has to concentrate on that very special first Mothers Day for his wife.
You will always be his Mum and I would have thought that doing all you are doing is pretty much what good mothers do. The fact that your DIL feels she can rely on you speaks volumes about how you are perceived. That is the measure of their respect. DIL's who have husbands who don't appreciate their mothers are usually more than happy to exclude their MIL's.
Instead of feeling negative about your relationship, look at the positives which now include the chance to be a wonderful Grandma to the most precious being in their lives.

This year on Mothering Sunday I got an epicture of flowers from my daughter. To be fair, we don't exchange cards as adults, children yes, and she is currently under a great deal of stress with her son, my gs, with regard changing schools.
I know she cares and appreciates everything I do for her and this is shown in hundreds of different ways throughout the year.
As already stated, its just one day, overcommercialied and whilst its nice to be recognized, I prefer all year round appreciation.

Don't stop giving. It is who you are .I have two sons and a daughter . Sons are like this. They don't think it is important. That's just life. BUT they do care and I have come to realise this. One daughter in law is so thoughtful and never forgets anything, never forgets to appreciate all I do for her children and does nice little things for me . My son relies on her. Try not to get hurt. I am sure they care but are just thoughtless. For me, a text from my eldest son is magic. At least he hasn't forgotten completely or I might get a card from him when I see him next . He is divorced so his wife is out of the picture but when they were together she was very thoughtful. Sons are very different from daughters .

I think that being DIL first mothers day give them the benefit of the doubt. Sons are not as au fait with cards etc as daughter's and often leave it up to wives to do the deed. It hurts but really rise above it. He loves you.

My youngest son bought me a tub of tea stain remover for cups as I haven't been able to find any locally.

I know how gutted you must feel. I have a step daughter who we have supported financially a lot over the years, and she only seems to want to know us when she wants something and yet she doesnt even send her own Dad a Birthday, Father’s Day card or Christmas card, and has never acknowledged my birthday at all.

As other posters have said - are you really prepared to cut down on gifts and help to your DS and DiL and GC because while DS remembered Mother's Day he didn't send a card. Really? Talk about a self-centred snowflake.

It is a hard fact you can't make people act the way you hope they will.

Well said. Teddy123.

Yep. It’s down to your son. If he hasn’t bothered before he’s not going to bother now. Equally if you’ve never mentioned it to him before he may well think you’re not that bothered about mother’s day. I would suggest when things are a little bit less stressed you can always mention it. It doesn’t have to be a big issue you can just say. “It’s not a big thing but it would be nice to get a card on mother’s day, it’s nice to have something I can keep to remind me of you all when you’re all so busy”. Then he knows how you feel. If he still doesn’t do it then I guess you need to move on. I do think irrespective of it being commercial if it means something to you then I think you should mention it and give him a chance.

Emm14*, your son isn't thoughtless as he clearly thought to wish you happy mother's day albeit by text. So he did think of you and expressed the sentiments!

So I guess you're hurt at the reduced size, as it were, of the gesture. Well...we don't know how much subtle pressure he got from his wife (and her mum) that you had to be displaced as THE mother of the moment. And perhaps that is what you're picking up on, possibly quite accurately - but he got the message to you anyway, yay! - cling to that

Sorry to see you are feeling hurt but card sending is becoming less and less important for the younger generations. For all sorts of occasions as well as important ones. My partner received not one birthday card apart from mine although he is close to his DS, GC, brother and sister. I was a little shocked and sad but didnt mention it. I dont think it crossed his mind. (We have been together only 18mnths and he did get a card from his son last year). My own daughter never fails to send me cards but has told me it's just fb messages to everyone else now. I've come to think now it's not being thoughtless, just another shift in our way of life I suppose. I always send cards to everyone for any occasion because I enjoy it.

Try not to take it to personally, everything changes when you have a baby. To be truthful I prefer it when something is bought for me or treated me when it isn't mothers day or a birthday. Ie flowers chocolate, or a nice meal.

AmMaz - so it's now conjecture that OP's DS said to his wife "must remember to get my DM a Mother's Day card" and she intimated that she was the only one who should get an actual card? So it's really her fault that MiL only got a text? It's random suggestions like yours that encourage MiLs to dislike DiLs without any basis.

Sometimes when we feel badly about things like this we can't see the beauty of our own lives. You are lucky you have a new grandchild this year, that is a life's worth of gifts.
Maybe next year you should invite the whole family over and have a cover dish dinner or brunch and everyone can celebrate together.

My son brought the grandchildren over for the afternoon on Mothers’ Day as he usually does. When I protest that he and the children should be making a fuss of DDiL he insists that she says it’s the best present she can have, a quiet afternoon to herself. Win win situation.

I have helped all my children with childcare and financial assistance and I can’t imagine reducing my giving because I received a text rather than a card on Mothers’ Day. I wouldn’t help them if I didn’t enjoy doing being able to and that would really be cutting off my nose to spite my face.

I often get just a Mothers’ Day message or email from one or other of my offspring. I know they love me and I try to discourage them from putting money into overcharged bouquets of mismatched flowers.

While men should remember their mothers, his first responsibility is to the mother of his child. It is not the DIL's responsibility to remember Mother's Day for her husband's family. TBH, if a mother wants to be considered as she gets older, she needs to teach consideration from toddlerhood onward. It sounds, OP, as though you may have spoiled your son too much, and he may be just a bit entitled. But don't blame your DIL if that is the case. Just hope that she got more than a text for her first Mother's Day.

My first Mother's Day was only days after my son first came home from hospital. My MIL was staying with us to help, and she cooked dinner for me. The only year I have not prompted DH to remember Mother's Day in time (he would never forget, but he needs organising) was the one when my mother had just died, and I wasn't ready to deal with Mother's Day at all.

As several people mentioned, OP, you should have reached out to wish your DIL a happy first Mother's Day. My MIL sent me an ecard telling me what a great mother I am to her grandson. That's the kind of thing I'll remember next time DH needs prompting. My MIL has earned my love and respect - she has never demanded it as a right.

Forgive the sexism, but the boys just aren't very good at this. While grandchild is a baby, remind son to get his missus a Mothers Day card from baby.

It was Mothers Day here too yesterday, I was gobsmacked when DD came downstairs with a really nice bottle of wine.
Since DGS was born I have always taken a backseat on Mothers Day. So it is not just the sons, the DDs can be just as bad. I just make sarky comments and make her feel guilty, hehe.
It is not a big deal here really, a few cards in the shops and stuff in the Chocolate shops and a lot of mainly,,, young, men walking around clutching bunches of flowers.
It is all commercial anyway more money for the already rich.

If your DIL's family was like mine, she may never have been taught to bother about Mother's Day. This probably sounds very odd to all of you who are used to celebrating it, but we didn't when I was growing up, or Father's day either. My parents felt that we hadn't asked to be born, so why should we be expected to thank them?

We didn't celebrate Valentine's day either. Families can place very different emphasises on holidays, so please try not to feel hurt. I am sure your son loves you and that both he and his wife appreciate your help with the baby.