I'm drowning in all his stuff

I found that purchase of black bags and a ruthless approach worked marvels. He too had agreed that he didn’t need the stuff as it was only ‘stuff’ but found it hard to let go. A changed man now ?

Ask him if you can do it when is out. Maybe that will make him do something . If you want to be mean , give him a time limit then say you will have a clear out yourself. Drastic measures. I hate clutter , it makes me feel ill.

Hoarding is insidious. It creeps up on you and you only see it when it's become a problem. I downsized 5 years ago from a large 2 bed flat to a small 1 bed bungalow after 34 years. The amount of stuff that went to the tip, recycle or to a PreLoved company or charity was unbelievable.
Over the weekend I took a long hard look at my bedroom and sitting room and realised that I needed to seriously clear out my stuff, again.
The strange thing is that I can detach myself from the things I 'collect' and have no problem getting rid.
(Unless it's wool and all things knitting!)
Start in a drawer, maybe in the kitchen, get rid of everything you don't need or use. Once the drawers are finished, start on the cupboards But get rid of unused/unwanted items straight away, to charity or recycle.
A drawer or cupboard every day isn't too difficult to manage and before you know it, you've reclaimed your kitchen. The same principle works for every room.
Then lay down rules, DH can have one room in the house, then half the garage and maybe a shed in the garden for his stuff. If it creeps into the rest of the house, get rid, after warning him.

Agree with M0nica, it's likely to be hoarding disorder. The trouble is that it's 'synhedonic', in other words, it doesn't upset the person because they have little insight into their problem. They only see it as YOUR problem. I have lived with this. Late husband was an academic and his room at the university was completely full, to the extent that when he had students for tutorials, he had to book a study room! When his department moved buildings and he was told he could have only 2 filing cabinets in his new office, all the stuff came home. We had a very big study, and I confined it to there and the garage. Every time I vacuumed I found stuff behind the furniture. I told him I would throw out anything I found. He told me I had an obsession with tidiness (ME?). His former professor even included his hoarding habits in a poem read at his retirement. He was a dear and lovely man though, and there was so much to offset his problem. He did succumb to early-onset dementia (but note that the hoarding was lifelong) and eventually, when we had to move, his son and DIL came up from London and got rid of about 3/4 of the detritus, for which I was grateful. In retrospect, I would say I had been too 'understanding', but it is a really difficult problem, and it's your call how you deal with it. You might have to threaten divorce, but he will need help of both carrot and stick!

Speaking as a "hoarder" myself (inverted commas because I don't really endorse the pejorative connotations of the word), perhaps I can help a little.
I can probably rival Acciaccatura's husband in the amount of my stuff and I can tell you that I don't think there is anything psychologically wrong with me (at least, nothing related to my stuff!), and that if someone forcibly or - worse still - secretly got rid of it I would be furious.
My problem is that I very often don't know of a suitable place to get rid of things to - and I set the bar of suitability high. Having worked in a charity shop for a long time (a good while back), I know that it is not appropriate to send anything and everything to them. For a lot of difficult to categorize items this is just giving someone else the problem to deal with.
I want to find the right destination for everything I no longer want to own. I may find time to enlarge on this (here) later but have just remembered I'm meant to be doing some sorting/throwing out (but where to?!) as I write this. So must rush.

You have enough rooms to be able to have a bedroom and reception to yourself. Could you do that? Obviously he would be 'allowed' in, as long as anything he brought in was taken out when he left.

Insist a couple of rooms are cleared for your use. Then you have a retreat, and can entertain visitors. You really need to insist on this for your own well being

Sorry there will always be a plausible reason not to. Plus viewing others as much more severe, yet another reason not to. As a professional that had to go into private houses awash with hoarding, when you do have to say stop, the anger directed at you is awful, sometimes very underhand.
Discuss if you can this issue with your GP. Probably because you tidy and look after the home it may even appear less than it is. De-sensitising and flooding can work, plus medication and a talking therapy. There will always be a plausible reason not too. One patient had to go into a specialist hospital, away from home as her husband was also aiding in keeping the disorder. It worked and the first time in 40 years she was free of medication, and free of us. ?

This site may be useful
www.helpforhoarders.co.uk/

I have kept tot many papers from work, and photos etc over the years. I find that taking pictures of the 'mess' and printing them out so that I can look at them helps. I am in work with an NLP practitioner to review my beliefs, values etc. In my mind I am refurbishing my two cleared rooms - one as as bed room with a 'hidden' desk for the computer and the other as a sitting room with an art and writing area as these are activities I want to do more of but never have time to.

As the bedroom has memories of 2 people who died my FinL and my mother whom we cared for one after the other, I have now decided that all the relics like mother's desk, brass ornaments and family furniture will have to go or be moved to other rooms as these are daily visual cues of bereavement.

It does take time even if you are aware that you would like things to change. When I have completed the NLP process my therapist will make me a relaxation tape (Mp3) with all the positives I envisage, and the changed emotional elements etc.

I am using the model that is described in
Treatment for Hoarding Disorder Therapist Guide (Treatments That Work) Paperback – 21 Nov 2013
by Gail Steketee (Author), Randy O. Frost (Contributor) to help me divide up the mental task that are necessary.

I have found a friend who will help me, as my coach once I have completed the therapy. I have lent her the work book the manual I have lent the therapist. I have another friend who comes once a year to help me locate things that could go to her charity shop. I started with a declutterer but her skills were limited though initially useful.

Good luck Acciaccatura

if you are struggling to find where to get rid of your things. Try liking at some Facebook groups. I am a member of a few
Upcycled cloth collective
Waste not want not
A sustainable life with Jen gale

Most of these have the ethos of looking after our planet. Re using textiles instead of dumping them. What you don't need someone else could use or re use. Many people are using up our planets resources without thinking of the impact.

I am only suggesting that perhaps you may feel better giving things away to those who really need them or can make use of them.

One of our members recycles old women jumpers into fabulous items and has won awards for sustainability. Well worth considering.

Could you you transfer the videos to dvds so they take less room and download the photos to the internet? Hoarders are sometimes more persuadable to change the form of their possessions rather than to totally dispose of them. It is a very difficult thing to deal with but it might help if he thinks that you are working with him to manage it.
As it is an anxiety disorder, it is partly a case of seeing how far the anxiety will go before it overcomes him and that it is very tiring and stressful to be the person who has to deal with a hoarder.

Without going into many details about my own experience “kind and thoughtful” can actually be controlling. I found I was becoming passive aggressive, seething with bottled up anger, but frozen and unable to take any action as I contemplated the piles of shabby possessions. I moved out, taking very little with me, and started over. After three months I was flooded with the deepest sense of peace imaginable.

I wonder if you could try this approach.

Ask him “if there was something in this house that was making me ill, would you get rid of it? For example if I had an allergy to an animal or certain foods”.

Then I would explain how the fear of having to clear out his stuff if he should die is weighing heavily on your mind. That seeing the house bursting with so much stuff is really depressing.

My DH, finally cleared out his stuff that had been hoarded for 50 years. This was after clearing out my parents house after their death. He was moaning about it and, probably because I was feeling very low, I lost my temper with him. I accused him of being a selfish hypocrite. In 50years of marriage I had never before raised my voice to him. The shock actually worked and the next week he started to clear up.

I think sometimes we suffer in silence because we do t want to upset our partner.

my friend had this problem with her man and I suggested that she took something and threw it away when he was not there, take and clothing to a charity shop and anything else that will sell. This chap has never yet noticed that some of his shirts that he did not wear had gone and if he had she could say she did not know which would be true as the charity shop will have moved it on

Suealpha: you sound so like him. What a good thing you're not married to him tho! He will happily give anything away if he can find the right destination. That's one of the reasons I don't feel I can go behind his back and throw away stuff.
NemosMum: he knows I would never threaten divorce. It's not my nature. Thankyou for a new word - synhedonic- I love collecting new vocabulary. Ironic, I know ?
Yorkshire girl and VivNE65: I do have rooms that are immaculate. In fact people comment on how peaceful my lounge is. The kitchen, bedroom and my bathroom are also a refuge most of the time but I can't stop thinking about the rest. I find that shutting the door on a room doesn't stop me knowing about the clutter behind it.
EmilyHarburn: thankyou for the site and your considered post. I have found all your thoughtful and thought provoking posts a real blessing. I am no longer in despair but have a renewed determination.

I personally couldn’t live like that, so do feel for you. In any relationship your feelings matter just as much as his. My 2nd husband refused to de clutter, we couldn’t access our garage or garden shed, it was a tip. So I waited till he went out and cleared out a bit at a time, not dumping important things but everything else had to go !

Sounds like he is bored. Does he have no interests ?outside of 'hoarding'.?

Can anyone advise me of a suitable outlet for old 78 rpm records, mostly classical and in individual sleeves, please?

M0nica - thank you for links. Every week I think I’ll rationalise books, pieces of paper, photographs, clothes. Maybe this week I shall!

This is a tough one as it may be he has 'issues' with parting with things(emotionally speaking) and if you 'sneak out a bag or two' you will lose his trust- its drastic but maybe you could contact those TV programmes where they come help with it if youre really desparate??I hoarded quite a lot more than i thought- thinking id maybe use the things sometime- then i needed to move so i had to harden my heart,and in the end my daughter took me 26 bin bags of stuff to charity shop!still got some to sort but now if me& my 2 youngest boys (teenagers)outgrow things-( not just clothes)i make a point of having a sort of a bag or two for charity.

Emily - I’ll have a look at those Facebook sites!

Tell him that from now on that every Monday from 9am-1pm (or whatever suits you) will be designated as clearing out time and start on a different area every week. If he wants to help you that's fine (but don't keep mentioning it), if he doesn't then tell him you will make the decision as what goes to the tip/charity etc. without showing him what you are disposing of and make sure you actually do it without fail every week. You could take before and after photos.

Don't stop to make him cups of tea or answer the phone or make lunch etc. and don't change the set time for a minimal excuse so he can see you are serious.Take the stuff immediately away, don't leave it around in bags for him to look through. You will feel you have accomplished something every week. When he sees this happening on a regular basis he will either just give up wanting to keep the stuff or rush to sort out what is most precious to him before you bin it. You could increase the regularity of this activity as the weeks go on if you can face it. Good luck.

Do not put anything into storage it costs a fortune
You should do what my wife would do.
Gently nudge
Offer to help
Insist that action is taken
Throw your toys out of the pram

Take it all to the tip

If you can afford it you could try renting a storage unit

I would not suggest renting a storage unit. This is just adding to the space to keep more unnecessary things. A few years ago there was an afternoon programme with Aggie..( Kim & Aggie) which was purely about people who had stuff in storage and if they really needed it. Some had had stuff in for years and wondered why they had bothered to put it in in the first place when they finally looked through it again. She helped them to sort through, to see what they really needed to keep, what they could sell, and what could be disposed off. Many of these people cleared their self storage units completely with her help and saved a lot of unnecessary expense. I would do what someone else suggested and start small on general things ....kitchen cupboards...chest of drawers etc..by doing this you are gradually making space for the essential items and it will become more routine to keep on top of it. Some of the homeless shelters and women's refuges often need extra things and it would be worth enquiring about this. As your husband sounds kind and generous this may appeal to his nature by helping others with some of his excess stuff.