I'm drowning in all his stuff

A year or so ago we downsized, and what a relief it was to get rid of so much stuff. (However my husband still has business suits that are rarely worn "but too expensive to get rid of")
I am willing to live with the situation BUT 1/2hour ago he came home with a 'bargain' from Aldi - a cordless drill, and here comes the crunch---- when I said that he could now get rid of the very heavy electric drill that he has, he said that's something he could not do because his father had given it to him when we had our first home, 52 years ago! so you see the problem.

As I type we have literally spent the morning clearing our middle room. This contained all the stuff that was in the bedroom. We were lucky enough to win a huge hypnos bed, so we were finally forced after 7 years in our 'new' home to get to grips with all the stuff sharpish. We were basically forced to revamp the whole room, having put it off for years. Floors, new ceiling, walls.

Now its done, we both look at it and its so beautiful we want the rest of the place to look like that one room. We've halved the amount of middle room stuff and the hall is full of bags for rags, charity, friends, tombola. I have found I adore giving things away. And even tho I never dreamt he could, the process (whilst stressing out OH considerably) is clearly starting to get a bit easier for him. The back rooms will be a study and studio for him next, where we will have lots of proper shelving, and all the things can be kept, neatly stored and categorised. So instead of a dozen of something in piles all over the place, we will have the best one or two of something visible to enjoy (my curators instinct lol).

We are both aware difficult lives have caused us to acquire things. We are trying to change that and realising that having a wonderful life now means we can afford to change somewhat. We will never be minimalists (nor want to be) but there must be a happy medium.

I long post I know, but a v raw topic to read about today. If I have one actual POINT - getting started is hard. But it gets easier and easier. And when one room or area suddenly looks light, beautiful and amazing, that feeling is better than the feeling stuff gives. you

Good luck.

"But get rid of unused/unwanted items straight away, to charity or recycle."

I tend to have too much stuff and I know people who have even more. A few years ago I had to combine my stuff and partners stuff in our new together home. He cleared out his four bedroomed home because he had a deadline. He used lots of huge skips and basically anything he didn't want or couldn't take he and his sons threw into the skips. It was so wasteful (wastage breaks my heart so I suspect I could easily become a hoarder if I didn't talk to myself seriously!) He just didn't have time to do the above to sort things into charity bags or recycling, nor did he have the time to take them to various shops, recycling plants or the local tip.

However, he got rid of all he didn't need, want or use, including clothes. His neighbour did a skip dive every night, with his permission as she was collecting stuff for her church to donate/sell to raise funds for newly arrived Syrian refugees.

I think for people with lots of stuff who need to empty rooms or a home, if you give them a sorting out problem, even charity bags (which may never get to the shops) it just slows down and delays and confuses the process. They cannot make decisions easily and if stuff is 'good' they feel they have to sell it for its value. It cannot be thrown or given away.

OH isn't a hoarder as such but he sees 'value' in things so hangs on to them. The skip process emptied his house quickly and he doesn't miss what was thrown because he just cannot remember all he had. Out of mind, out of sight.

So perhaps we need to give people permission just to throw things away? I know we should recycle and for someone brought up on the "Waste not, want not" mantra it seemed awful just disposing of good stuff, but the fact remains it worked for OH because he had no choice. His house had to be empty for the new people to move in. He doesn't pine for anything he threw into the skip. In truth he did try to keep stuff we had no need for and on the quiet his sons filled the skips a little bit more. He didn't notice or fret.

So, as Davidhs suggests - Take it all to the tip just may be the best solution for people who have to deal with clutter?

It's rarely suggested.

If he likes to read, buy him Marie Kondos ‘The magic art of decluttering’. I read it before we downsized and as a result was happily throwing loads of things in bin bags for charity and tip! I can honestly say I’ve not missed any of it!!

You say your husband agrees with you that he has too much stuff, but nothing changes.

Does this mean that you are waiting for him to start sorting what to keep and what to get rid of?

If it does, if he is at all like the hoarders in my family, you will wait till Doomsday for him to do anything about it. He is probably waiting for you to start!

My way of dealing with this situation is to sort through clothes etc myself and put anything that no longer fits, is too worn into an OUT pile, then ask DH if he particularly wants to keep any of it. Socks and underpants you can just throw out - as long as he has a number of pairs that correspond to the length of time between doing laundry in your house, he will never notice the difference.

Jumpers, trousers, jeans and shirts he might just miss, but again if it is 20 years since you last saw him in a particular thing, then just chuck it out.

Anything related to his hobbies, tools, books, films you probably will need to go through together.

Suggest advertising inherited furniture, knick-knacks, china and other household goods for sale. It can be easier to part with them if "they are going to a good home" than just to the dump.

Good luck!

I have started after reading Marie Kondo . She says you should do each category all at once, like clothes for example. And you should touch everything and see whether it gives you joy. Well, I now have a wonderful knicker drawer and sock drawer. But I have to say the only thing I really felt joy about was a pair of satin cami knickers which I have never worn and could now not wear at all. None of my knickers or socks gave me any joy, so I may have to go without.

I went on to the help for hoarders site and one of the questions is 'can you use the room for its proper purpose,' or words to that effect. Breathed a sigh of relief, obviously, although far too much stuff, I am not mentally ill. I am not sure that the poster's husband is either.

Have you tried asking him to throw or give away 2 items per day? Even if it is dumping a couple of video tapes everyone has to start somewhere and once started it becomes a habit. If he did this it would be 60 items in a month. Get some charity bags as another poster suggested and ask if he can fill one bag in a week. Guilt trip him by telling him there are some people who really need some of the 'stuff' he hoards and does not use. Do you have children or nieces or nephews you could offer bits of furniture to? Good luck, my dh hoards a bit but not as much as yours and I sometimes secretly throw the worst bits of 'rubbish' out he will not miss and he has never even looked for items.

Yes, people with attachment to stuff are not mentally ill. I really don't know many true minimalists or many people who are wonderfully organised.

The hoarding programmes I have seen on TV show people not being able to dispose of household rubbish, food wrappings, etc and their bins overflow. Their living spaces tend to be piled with stuff ceiling high and they don't clean. Toilets and sinks tend to be disgusting and completely filthy and unhygienic. Some hold on to milk bottles full of urine and mice droppings are on everything. I'd say that state denotes a problem with attachment, or even ADD to a very high degree. There are tiny paths through the rubbish and beds cannot be used because they can't be accessed.

I know there are sliding scales and often an unresolved trauma can be responsible for allowing things to get completely out of hand. I imagine an overwhelming state of disorder and clutter could cause depression too.

On the other hand there are people who like things and find joy in them. A certain amount of clutter is ok with me although I don't like messy or dirty surroundings. I much prefer houses full of interesting things and books and paintings than ones with empty rooms or rooms with very little character, which to me seem very cold and sterile, like show homes. I think by the same token minimalists and perfectionists might be deemed to have a mental health problem

Most of us know when a lot becomes too much I think.

My DH still has 2 sweaters from his teen years and his rugby kit from his twenties ,I wonder if we should vacuum pack the stuff,we have been married 49 years !

I like your tolerant attitude Day6.
As a result of this thread today I have taken a boot load of rubbish to the tip and a couple of items to charity. I also put a lot of papers on the fire so have made a start and feel it's a bit more under control. We have even been through some boxes together and been able to part with some things.
Thankyou Acciaccatura

You have my sympathy, my DH is exactly the same. He can't get rid of anything, not only that if anyone offers him anything he grabs it with both hands. We have a reasonably large garden the latest count he has 21 cars and a caravan we don't use. Most of the cars have been ours though some have been given to him. We have old bricks ready to build a new garage which I know is never going to be built. Wooden beams, again for said garage, which have been in the garden for so long they have rotted. Five sheds and a large garage, all full to the brim. The list of his hoard is endless. We've been married 53 years and I love him dearly, but his hoarding drives me mad, the only positive thing I can say is that it is outside and not in the house.

We moved from a large house with a garage to a much smaller house with no garage and boy did that make us get rid of all the clutter . There simply isn’t any room for it .
I regularly go through my wardrobes and cupboards and get rid ( donate or dump) anything we no longer need . It’s very refreshing and therapeutic once you get started.

My husband is like that. luckily we live in a small 3 bedroom 1 living room house si its less than yours. All his stuff is in one big bedroom and the shed. Both are unbelievably cluttered. I have sort of got used to it and just close the door as i did with my teenagers. I wish it was different but it wont be. I do take clothes and keep them in a drawer and when he hasn't missed them for a while I get rid of them. I tidy now and again and get rid of the odd thing but its a losing battle. I bought him a huge cd holder to tidy the ones lying around and justcdiscovered the old little one in thd snall bedroom! Our old carpet from downstairs is on top of the carpet in his manroom. (apparently it softens the noise from the guitar and amp. any excuse to keep it!) If I were you I would cram it into one large room or as small an area as possible. close the door and try to forget its there. Life's too short to fret over it.

excuse the typos!

Sarahellenwhitney: you ask whether he doesn't have any interests. Nothing could be further from the truth. He works voluntarily and tirelessly for the community, plays sport, sings, does the gardening and decorating as well as the usual family stuff. In fact, maybe he does too much and that is the problem. Not enough time or energy left to do the sorting!
However, you have all inspired me so much that I truly believe things are going to change. Watch this space...pun intended ?

I can fully sympathise with your husband. I too am a hoarder! I know that I have to clear out the junk but itis still difficult to decide what to get rid of. As a result, I go through stuff and chuck some out. I'm just about keeping up with what new stuff comes in. I'm working on it but would prefer to do it at my own pace, however long it takes! Putting pressure on me doesn't work.

Grandtante that sounds eminently sensible for clothing. I'm sure that would get the pile down. And then when you both see what is left you can think of other ways to cut the amount down. Maybe if there are 2 almost identical suits - which is the nicest one, keep that, am assuming that while he will wear some sometimes it's not like he needs one.
every day like perhaps he might have in the past.
Marie Kondo suggests leaving sentimental stuff to the end of the process, which I think is very wise. What is sentimental will vary from person to person. I'm sure photos will be in this category
Videotapes - maybe first see if there are any duplicates and if there are ask him if you can get rid of those. Eventually, your video player will break and you can't get new ones so maybe he'd agree to look through them to decide which his favourites are, and replace them with secondhand DVDs, safely stored either out of their cases in suitable boxes or a folder. Any family videos then get someone to transfer them to DVDs, so you can enjoy them for years to come when your video player no longer works. My father's cousin took lots of movies on the old sort of film, but after she dies it was discovered that the films were no longer playable as the film had degraded. We'd have loved to have had the old family films transferred to a more modern medium.
Books, for me this would be sentimental in part. /might he be happy to pass on say beginner books about his hobbies on to someone just starting, and keep more advanced books, perhaps. Again are there duplicates, if so would he send one off to the charity shop? Any books on hobbies he no longer is really interested in, would he let these go so that someone else can benefit from them?
Would you feel better if they all fitted on the shelves? If so, work towards that.
DIY stuff - again are there any duplicates, would he pass on some to someone just starting off in life? Broken or rusty tools kept just in case, ask him if you can get rid of these. Decorating, do you have wallpaper from the decorating job before last, put on freecycle. Old paint - is it still usable? if it has gone hard then take to the tip. If it is still usable but an old colour, there are organisations that take usable paint for community projects or for people who cannot afford to pay for good quality paint - see if there is a community repaint near you. Or again freecycle
Not something Marie Kondo would agree with but I've come across the concept of an 'emotional withdrawal ' box, stuff you are not sure of, but don't want to get rid of just yet, put it away for a few months somewhere out of the way, and then decide if you've missed what is in the box. Chances are that most of the stuff will not be wanted, a few bits might, and that's ok.
Don't get rid of his things without his permission, if he is a true hoarder that will make things worse. It sounds as if you'll need to do a lot of the sorting for him, but it will be worth it to feel better. Make sure you keep on top of your stuff too, is there anything you could rehome. I don't know if this will apply but if he gets something new, try and help him find something old to get rid of, so things don't start to get worse.
It is not easy and it will take time, but I personally have found the more decluttering I do the easier it gets, and I have recently got rid of something that was expensive and of which I have fond memories using, as it would cost too much to make it workable again, and I'd not actually use it tbh, and it takes up so much room! I don't know if the perceived value of things is an issue, if something really is valuable then do try and sell it, but if it is just that it cost a lot in the first place, look at how much it might cost to replace as a second-hand article on eBay. If something isn't used, no matter how much it originally cost, it is not going to have cost any less sitting around at home.
there are lots of ideas for digitising music and photos, but thos will need to wait for another day,
Good luck, let us know how you get on and come back and share what worked for you

Being a clutterbug myself, and someone reluctant to throw away stuff if it can't be recycled usefully, I can relate to your husband. A lot of my stuff is sentimental attachment - my kids' school stuff, photographs which are precious to me - that kind of thing. But as far as I know, my things aren't causing stress to anyone I live with - most of it is in my own bedroom or the garage. I think the suggestion of self storage is a good one - I would definitely consider that if my precious things were giving my husband real problems. I do occasionally have a good old sort out, but mostly this is just paper and clothes - anything recyclable. My 'collection' is compounded at the moment by a great deal of stuff that came from my Mum;s flat after she died last year.

I do tend to acquire too much stuff. I can always think that something will make my life much easier. A new garden tool or a new kitchen gadget. I bought a large square frying pan with sections so could cook different things for myself and DH . But takes up a lot of space and not that easy to cook with.
Have decided the thing to do is put things straight in to a black rubbish bag or bag for charity shop.
Off we go.

DH is away this week and I'm upping my throw one thing away a week to one thing morning and afternoon. He has a tendency to look in the oxfam bag so I'm stapling the tops of the bags together .
I do feel guilty as I have a sewing room brimming with material and projects and if I throw out anything of his I feel a hypocrite. He brought home a record player which needed speakers from a friend. He will not accept that he has to get speakers and does not know that all our records went when cds came in. I put it in the garage yesterday . I don't think he will notice. Sigh .

Yet more thoughtful posts. I'm overwhelmed by your generosity.
My husband is happy to pass on anything he no longer needs but he isn't always successful in finding a new home for things. What he can't stand is wilful waste. That said, he's off to the tip this morning. Yeh!!! I think most of the stuff is from the garden shed though! Still, it shows willing and a new mind set so, as the footballers say, I'm taking the positives out of it.

Annep you made me chuckle with one carpet on top on another that is the same logic my dh uses for keeping absolute rubbish. His parents insist on giving him a local newspaper from town he was brought up in and they still live in. Whenever we visit he brings home two or three carriers of the things. Then he puts them in shed and forgets to read them. I keep telling him they are a fire hazard but he insists he will read them all in time and that he is interested in the births deaths and marriages as he may know some of these people. Result almost 1/3 of garage full of old papers. The children think it is hilarious.

Oodles that is another thing that makes me mad my dh keeps old videos and was thought if i accidentally broke the video player he might throw the videos away, but oh no, he told a friend it was broken and came home with a replacement he had been given. it made me want to scream because he has all films on DVD and also some on Blu ray. To make it worse he wanted to keep old one for spare parts as same brand. I drew the line at this so threw it away on bin day.

newnanny, I see his logic, does he actually ever mend things? Not that I've ever taken one apart but I wonder if usually, the same bits go on such items, they are all electronic so it would not be easy even if they were different faults.
My husband ran off with another woman several years ago, we'd been together nearly 40 years, married for most of them. I'm STILL getting rid of stuff he saved because it might come in handy off old items. Just been getting rid of old bike bits, yes some might have been useful had they been in any order. But a lot of the bits were broken or damaged. He did simple bike repairs but nothing more than that. My son is in his 30s, I found something in the shed that had been broken since before he was born, it had been replaced when he was a young baby. And an old fuse box he'd replaced in the garage, why on earth. I won't go on with things like that as if anyone knows me in real life I've probably moaned about it. So while I strongly believe you shouldn't throw other people's stuff away, if I had my time again I'd throw things like that away that are of no possible use to anyone ever
I have given away today my old beloved bike which has seen better days and needs a lot of work doing on it, to someone who says it is a hobby of his doing up old bikes and selling them on, he said he even pulls them out of skips. So glad to have found him [and am now feeling a bit bad about the old bike bits I threw away, but he probably has loads of spares]
I've found that it can take time to find homes for things, but I've rehomed a lot of things that I'd never have imagined that I would have, it's popular to upcycle old furniture nowadays, and stuff has gone to people who do that sort of thing
Aldi are selling a small turntable from tomorrow which says it can convert record tracks to electronic files don't know if any husbands might like to take on that as a project, to shift the LPs.

Huge empathy for your situation. I am in the same one myself with my husband. Slowly his stuff is overtaking the beautiful home I've spent 40 years making without his help and despite his hoarding nature. His stuff is multiples of the same books and notes - he can't locate the originals in his mess so he buys another, and so on. I know it is a mental illness but until he accepts that and initiates a change nobody can help. The lovely creativity I had awhile making our family home is being strangled out of me, I cower in my bedroom because I can no longer face the chaos he's created everywhere else. The love I had for him is dead and I am filled with resentment for what that love did to my life. While highly intelligent and very well educated I stayed home to raise our children and now find myself with scant financial resources and no real independence.
I really wish I could give you a more optimistic reply. Sometimes it helps just to write it down - even if we don't expect anybody to be able to help. Good luck to you.