grand daughter buying a car

Do you realise this is domestic abuse? I don't think this will be an isolated incident of abuse either. You probably don't realise it as abuse takes on many forms and many are subtle.

This link is the website for the UK website of Women's Aid www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/

There is a check list further down the page: read each guideline on each link. I would be very surprised if you dont recognise other things on it.

You may try to excuse/ignore (think no that doesn't happen) some of what's on the guidelines or minimise it if it is the first time of looking at this. That is a very common. It can be quite a shock.

I know this because I have been there, done that, got the t-shirt and finally got out 18 years ago. I have built a new and happy life since.

Why the heck have you let this go on 3 years? It doesn't sound to me as it your marriage is a good one though you may not realise it.

Your husband is controlling and that is abuse. It is now your option to explore and make informed choices which you can do with women's aid. Please get some outside impute

Tell him you want him out of the house because you are inviting your family around. He sounds awful. Any chance you can leave him?

Your money, your decision what you do with it. Good decision or a bad decision it's your money. Presumably you have a financial arrangement with your husband about your living expenses so he is not ending up funding a shortfall due to you lending or guaranteeing funds for your family?

The really big question is why on earth you have allowed him to deny your family the opportunity to come to your house? It's one thing to have different views about money or lending to ones children but this is a whole different kettle of fish and raises a lot of questions about motive, control,
and why you are married to him.

I can understand not discussing your finances if you've always been used to working & managing your own spending. I've always done this (two single accounts & one shared household acct). I deliberately never consulted DH about various things because I knew he & I don't see eye to eye on some matters, and I couldn't be bothered with any arguments when I knew I would do it anyway! So I don't judge others who do the same! However, I know he would never feel entitled to ban anybody the house. In an extreme case he might excuse himself from visiting a family member's house, if he didn't approve of their behaviour for some reason. But trying to control your partner's choice of friends/family in their own home is a whole different level of controlling behaviour and it must make you very unhappy & he must know that. That's not good.
PS When me & my DH have come to a serious disagreement once or twice he has always recognised when his attitude is making me really unhappy & agreed to compromise. We've lasted 40 years though I never told him what I paid for the new carpet, which might make him cry!

Why didn't your GD ask her M or F to co-sign the finance and for how long does it last?

The bit that shocks me the worst about this is how cruel he was saying they only wanted her for her money. a) he can't possibly know and b) passing on comments like that cannot ever be a positive. I'd have said "You think so? Well time will tell..." and carry on thinking what I wanted to think and doing what I wanted to do about seeing them. I think he's just a bit jealous cos maybe he's not as close to his own kids as he'd like to be Make sure you keep seeing your family, Budds8!

Your husband doesn't need to purchase a doormat with you being about.
He is an utter bully and the fact that he has banned your family from. Your home, coupled with the fact that you allow him to do it,leaves me cold.
Bullies need to be confronted. His greatest weapon over you is your fear of him.
As others have said, invite them around.
See how he reacts. Shouting or threats that put you in fear is not acceptable. Phone the Police. Have a word with Womens Aid. They can advise you of your courses of action.
Easy for us to advise, I know that it will take exceptional courage for you to stand up for yourself.
The buzz of self respect that you will feel be more than worthwhile.
Best wishes.

Love and finance are two completely separate issues. Your husband has no right to tell you how to manage your finances if they are separate from his and telling you your family do not love you is a way of controlling you. Fear of not being loved is a universal fear and as such an awesome weapon for those who 'have to' control their 'nearest and dearest'.

If you trust your gd it is your right to do as you feel is correct. I know it's over 40 years ago now and financial dealings are very different but when I left university with a good job I was still not considered a good risk for the banks to make a loan. My father guaranteed a loan so that I could buy a car and I would never have dreamt of defaulting on any payment.
You have very generously guaranteed a loan which will both improve your gd's credit rating and her life as a car is a essential part of modern life for many people. You are to be commended not critisized.

The question is does your other half love you?

I would never allow a partner, husband or not, who is not my children's father, to forbid them to my home. Is it yours or his or co-owned?
I would rather live alone and see my family than live under the diktat of a partner, how dare he treat you that way. I bet he has no family, or if he does no good relationship with them, he is probably jealous.
However you look at it he has no right to lay down the law forbidding your family to visit over a question of YOUR money, different if it had been his.

And you’re still with him because ...?
Was this a change in personality 3 years ago? Did your husband welcome your family before? In other words, could he be unwell?

Why did you accept the ban? Are you scared of him? This sounds a bit sinister frankly. There is not really enough information for people to really give their view on this. How about friends? Can they visit. Isolating people from their family and friends is a worrying sign.

Isn't it both your homes? Your husband sounds a self centred bully! If you can't do what you want in your own home, I would question why stay with him,..

I thought the same things as the other posters initially - then I thought - did you OH know about the co-signing from the start or did he only find out recently?? It might be more that he was concerned you stood as guarantor without telling him than actually about whether your GD paid the loan off promptly. Is it more a case that you don't communicate with each other perhaps?? As to banning your DD and GC from the house - is it His house or Your house or mutually shared? Even if it is His house he is being unreasonable - does he have children/GC himself? If he does and they visit then I would insist that my own DC and GC were allowed to come to see me. If he doesn't want to be there then he can always go out. Either way I think you definitely need to talk to each other about it and why he thinks your DD and GC are after your money!

Well said merlotgran

My first husband was like this and we lasted for 3years. I was 18 and naive. Don't let anyone control you or your visitors that's not love.

What a bully! I'd tell him your family have every right to visit at your request (it's your home too!) - HE CAN LEAVE if he doesn't like it - what a horrid and wholly unreasonable man

budd Has this man been like this since you married him did you know he was so controlling ? I bet he kept it to himself.
There is no way my hubby would tell me who could come to visit at OUR home he would have his bags packed so quickly to say the least.
Do as MOnica says and invite them around and tell him to make do or go out for the day.

No man would stop me seeing my family. It is your home . If he doesn't want to see them he can go out. You say you don't know what he does with his money so he has no right to dictate to you want you do with yours. How have you let it go on so long. Do you see your daughter and grandchildren?

I would ban him from the house sounds like he only wants you for your money.
Sorry for sounding harsh but that's what I think .

budd pick up the phone, text or email and ask your daughters and families round for lunch on Sunday. Tell your D(?)H and if he complains tell him that if he doesn't want to see them he can go out for the day.

What right has your DH to make decisions on whether your family love you or not. They are your children and grandchildren and you know, better than he does whether they love you or not.

i can understand him perhaps being concerned and more cautious at the start of the loan, but as everything has gone well for several years, he should have realised by now that anyone who is repaying every penny of a loan that they took out and you guaranteed, is hardly after your money.

What else in your life does he control? Was your first husband controlling like this so that it is what you are used to?

Forgive me if this is being intrusive but are you from a culture where men (attempt to) dominate family life?
He sounds excessively controlling and domineering and I wonder why you might not have noticed it before.
Other than that, I would say Ignore his clumsy attempts to rule your life.

What everybody else said - who does he think he is
By the way, I'd be happy to co sign a loan for my children or grandchildren who had been reliable throughout their lives. Why wouldn't we.

I'm sorry - but I'd tell him to Do One! Time to tell him a few home truths and reunite your family! As for the cosigning? Absolutely nobody's business but yours. Some people are very precious about money and sharing, others not so much. I would give my family the shirt off my back if they needed it. My friends mother would see them starve rather than help - as it was their own fault (Business problems since resolved). Keep up as much contact with your children and grandchildren as possible. TELL your DH that YOUR children are welcome in YOUR home.

He won't allow them to visit!
When did you agree that he has the right to veto?
Do you have equivalent rights to allow or disallow his activities?
Frankly I don't see this as a financial issue but as a control issue.
Pleased that your GD has met her responsibilities but what must she and the rest of your family be feeling now?
I do not understand why you ever let this happen. You must stand your ground against this controlling behaviour. If ever you had to 'choose sides' you'd be better off with a loving family than a selfish bully!