AIBU to think they're spending too much?

To me, having the down deposit for a home of my own rather than renting for years would be worth having a small, cozy wedding for. The wedding day passes, the album is packed away but the rent comes due on the first of every single month. I'd much rather be paying on a mortgage and building equity in my own home than contributing to the wealth of a landlord as I rent his.

Coda to my hellish wedding stories:

Younger brother got married couple of years back. Both have good salaries but bro is very resentful not to be absolutely swimming in cash (this has been a thing since he acquired a couple of very wealthy friends in childhood).

They insist on having the traditional “big” wedding but cap their spending out at about 17, 18 grand. They are gobsmacked the families refuse to pay for it, hence the spending cap. They were originally looking at something around 60, 70 grand.

(NB this entire time they are MY tenants at a discount rate in my old flat because they say they can’t afford market rent, they are paying less than my mortgage on the flat!)

So with great anguish and bitterness they have a traditional wedding but with eh, a few corners cuts. Its a nice enough wedding. You can see where the savings were made. I don’t personally think this matters a toss but bro is going on like he’s been betrayed somehow. Mother WILL NOT STOP loudly discussing with all our relatives how “sh*tty” a wedding this is compared to mine, how my new SIL has no taste, etc etc, how slutty her dress is, etc etc. This goes on for months and continues on the day itself, when I spend all my bridesmaid time wrangling SIL as far out of earshot of mother as possible.

Father hands over five grand for a contribution to the wedding. I ask with interest if he’s been holding his contribution to my wedding in trust, as he did not so much as buy me a drink on the day. My parents do not speak to me for three weeks until the penny drops that I am enjoying the peace and quiet.

They were given the parental guest list of death that made my wedding horrendously expensive. The first my parents realise that bro simply didn’t invite most of these people is when they show up on the day, ask where (relative so distant I am not sure we are actually related) is, and bro cheerfully announces he didn’t bother to invite most of their demanded guests. Mother has to be physically removed to her hotel room for a period as she becomes violent.

After the meal, which she has composed herself enough to attend, but has sent back everything loudly complaining how cheap and nasty the food is, I force another bridesmaid to switch seats with me so I can physically sit between my new SIL and crazy daisy, I mean mother.

The speeches begin, and my bro’s best friend (whose recent at the time wedding cost quarter of a million quid, helps to marry an heiress) stands up and after the usual fawning on the groom, absolutely rips into my parents for how mean and ungiving they are, and how much debt bro and SIL have as a result of this wedding, and this isn’t even the wedding they wanted, and how they didn’t finance his uni education enough (eighty grand at least was flung at that). The guests have no idea where to look. Bro is clapping loudly and nodding violently. DH displays his first good bit of crisis management and bundles our young toddlers out of the fire exit up to the hotel room.

Father has to remove mother from the top table after I have to body shield my now crying SIL from her. As a result I get the drink thrown over me that was intended for her, but meh, I’m not the bride, she’s thrown worse.

Later on father sends for me to try and help mollify mother as he has now also lost the place. I appear in none of the casual/reception photos after this as I am in my hotel room icing a black eye.

The punchline: DH says the following morning “I suppose it could have gone worse”...

If you are determined to stay in your marriage, then please get some counseling (Pastor, health clinic, etc.). No one should live a miserable life just because they feel they chose the wrong person. Emotions cloud our thinking and produce fears. Don't listen to your emotions. Look at the facts, the pros/cons of staying or leaving .......and then lay it all out in front of a professional and ask for their advice and help. God bless you, dear lady. Will be praying for you and your children.

Muffin Im sorry but your family slund like a nightmare. I cannot relate to any of this. My AC each had very different weddings from traditional chuch do with big reception to very quiet registry office wedding with just immediate family and restaurant meal afterwards. All were lovely and no-one fell out. Maximum cost was about £6000 but reg office one was under £2000 which included dress flowers photographer and meal only.
Even so called traditional weddi gs are nothing like the ones i remember in my youth. We never had fancy veteran cars or horse drawn carriages or favours for guests or chocolate fountains/ photo booths/ice sculptures/owls/doves/fireworks etc (to name just a few things Ive seen.) Nor were there evening do's with discos and extra food. Many of these things seem completely unnecessary to me and I agree that it would be better to have deposit on a house than waste money on all this flim flam!

Muffin I think you are quite remarkable, to survive all you have. I am amazed your mother isn't featuring in our 'cut off by my DD, never see DGC' threads'. You are tolerant beyond belief to still be in touch with your parents and family - and your DH is up there with you living with in laws so difficult.

I hope being able to vent on GN really helps you.

All you safely can do is to offer to help with the arrangements. Any remarks about how much it is all going to cost will be taken in bad part.

I agree with all those who think it is ridiculous to get into debt over a wedding, but all of us who are saying that here have been married for years, and most of us did so on a very small budget.

If the bridal couple to be ask your advice, then give it , otherwise, even although it is very hard, bite your tongue!

Muffin, you should be writing scripts for the 'Meet the Family' film genre. Your family would earn you an Oscar without having to invent them, though there might be a lawsuit in it!

It's the world we live in. We know what rich folk have and spend and we have become very materialistic and aspire to being/living like them. All the media coverage and available information encourages this. Ignorance was bliss. People were more content.

Sorry, annep, no we don't. We are entirely free to leave those with money to spend it as they will and tailor our tastes to meet our budget.

Plenty of people of all ages do that still and think those obsessed by celebrities and their life styles are fools.

My mother and father got married in 1937. The wedding costs came to £10. 10s and 10d ( £10.54p in today's money).
Dad only budgeted a tenner so had to ask if he could owe the 10s and 10d until he was next paid.

Regardless of whether they have a house, jobs etc. It seems sad that they are starting their life together ‘up to their eyes’ in debt - and (I am the cautious type) will they have anything to fall back on, including credit cards, if there is a ‘rainy day’? Think I would avoid the cost directly but mention the possible emergency in the future.

Leave them too it. We have to learn from our own mistakes, as the human race appears genetically incapable of learning from the mistakes of others.

My son was married last Friday (£1,000.00 cheaper than a Staurday!) and it was the most beautiful wedding which they had carefully budgeted for. I did make a contribution and their friends had donated their talents in lieu of presents, so the printing, music, flowers were all given with love. The bride's parents have given them their honeymoon later this year. The venue was a 18th house and nothing felt over the top nor was crippling debt incurred. It was their day, I just felt so proud to be there.

Many - if not most - young couples are starting off their lives together still paying off student debts, so why make things worse by incurring more debt to pay for an elaborate wedding? DS2 and his partner have been together for 25 years and have two growing sons. I sometimes feel sad for them that they have missed out on the ceremony and celebration of marriage, but they have a lovely home, good careers and no regrets.

My mother always used to say the bigger the wedding the shorter the marriage.

Lots of brides are all about the wedding and don’t realise that it’s only one day. Theyshould be focussing onthe marriage. My sons first wife was like this, it only lasted a year. We did try to broach the subject once early on but he didn’t want to here it so we backed of. Several years and two children with second wife he says he wishes we had made him listen but could have list him totally in the process. Sometimes you have to let them make there own mistakes

Our wedding in 1989 cost less than £1000 - Mum & Dad paid the £500 for a sit down meal for 40 people and bought my wedding suit (wanted something I could wear afterwards). I bought my husband's suit and we together paid for the flowers, cake, registry office and car (£180 in total) and for our honeymoon. My parents gifted us £1000 as well to furnish our rented flat, and my MIL bought us a microwave. We just wanted to get married and neither of us wanted (or could afford) a big expensive do. No hen or stag nights, we both went out the night before our wedding with friends and siblings - home by 9.30 so no hangovers on wedding day. I honestly cannot understand why people spend tens of thousands of pounds on one day - I fear the millenial generation have lost what is important about getting married.

In my day a wedding was a service in church/register office followed by a reception (meal and cake cutting) and then perhaps people returned to the bride's family's house. Weddings seem to me to have got out of hand. My DDs had lovely weddings, probably cost a bit (they paid for everything) but certainly not over the top and did not put them into debt. I made the two bridesmaid dresses for DD2's wedding. (Also made my own wedding dress).

I have been in exactly the same boat for my 2 sons.
My Dad used to say "Good advice is often given but seldom taken"
I'm with the others, bite your tongue - hard!

I've just caught up with this thread and can I say -it reads more like a Three Yorkshiremen sketch than anything else.

As I commented earlier, I'm not a fan of huge weddings, though I had a ball at the big wedding arranged, planned and paid for by one of ours and her husband. We contributed a small amount, as did the groom's parents but they wanted a big party and that's what they arranged. Family and friends, plus the bride and groom had an absolute ball. Five years later, all is well but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

To say "its all for show" as one poster did seems plain cold and critical to me. I've been to the large weddings of a number of young(er) folks recently, enjoyed every one. Mind, in my day, we were lucky to have a ham sandwich, cobbled together by our gran we a bit of 'am, lent to her by't corner shop

No I don't think the OP is being unreasonable. Neither do I think she should bail them out financially in the future when reality sets in after the honeymoon.

I'm going to be very controversial here and say imo that very lavish weddings unless you're rolling in money are decidedly naff. It's one day for heaven's sake and just throwing money at it doesn't make it special, just very generic. My son and daughter in law got married three years ago and spent no more than a couple of thousand pounds. They had a traditional white wedding in church. Her dress was simple and stunningly beautiful and cost £300. She made her
veil and headdress and did all the flowers herself with the help of her bridesmaids. None of them were florists. The reception was in the village hall and all the catering was done by themselves with lots of help from friends and family. Guests still rave about the wedding to this day and the church warden said it was the loveliest wedding he'd seen at the church in years.

Iam fork ‘andles in the cake?

it reads more like a Three Yorkshiremen sketch than anything else. You're not wrong there, Iam!

I'll add to that by saying that we coppered up on the day before our wedding and found we'd just enough to get us on Monday's discounted coach trip to a B & B in Llandudno for a week's honeymoon. Us and 40 odd pensioners, with a Max Bygraves tape serenading us on a loop all the way there, all the way back. It poured down all week and the wind was so strong the bathchair pushers struggled to make progress along the prom. The pubs closed at 9, and the Great Orme cable car broke down when we were on it. And our bed creaked. We had a fabulous time!

I think our church wedding and reception, 41 years ago, came to about £300-£400 and the honeymoon in Cornwall cost about £100.

We're still together after all these years. Three children and seven grandchildren later.