AIBU to think they're spending too much?

Sorry muffinthemoo,im not clear,are you saying they made you spend MORE than you wanted to? 35 grand is a LOT of money- and as weve all said its the bride&grooms day,if theres something you dont want you shouldnt be made to have it,just same as if you do- im a firm believer in "you have to let them make their own mistakes"-BUT,it sounds like youre the sensible one,and didnt want all the trappings-the parents especially dont have much say if theyre not the ones footing a 35k bill! You poor girl,id have had to call it all off if it was my day and i hadnt a thing how i wanted it!- however,back to original post,yes if i had a good close relationship with my sons(which i myself am lucky to have) i would mention the pitfalls of starting married life in debt for just one day- id have said it when he 'jokingly' said he'd need more jobs- that might have been his way of saying he was worried about the cost without ACTUALLY saying it?some posh hotels do wedding packages for a lower cost than 'average' wedding cost- the bride might not want to hear it,but she surely wouldnt want her new marraige to fail soon because of money troubles either??Or to never see her new husband as hes always working?And how much is SHE contributing to this big wedding cost?The only ones paying a HUGE wedding bill these days is the royal family or other peers of the realm surely?.And even then,its the taxpayers who foot the bill!

You may think it - but DON'T say anything! It's their choice. Keeping good relationships is important and sometimes young people have to learn the hard way. I too don't understand the need for a ginormous wedding but that seems to be the thing for many young people these days. Perhaps to prove something? Try to go with it and enjoy it.

Keep out of it

I blame the parents of these young parents, that'd be us then
I'm not sure why we should get the blame Iam64, as we all sound very sensible on GN
And aghast at young couples spending so much - then presumably moaning that they can't afford a house and it's all our fault!

Our eldest son and DiL married two years ago! I am so thankful that we weren't expected to contribute to the wedding and that DiL parents happily paid for it all. DiL is lovely though very spoilt with what she wants, she gets. Her parents who are also lovely are well off. I still gulped at the wedding cost of £20 k. That's with the wedding cake being made by mom who is a baker and the vintage cars being provided free by 2 other family members. The most expensive part was the 2 teepee's joined together for the reception at there's. The teepee's cos £6 k.

They had already bought a house with money inherited and because there is also a building trade business in the family they only had to provide materials. They are very blessed both of them. The afternoon tea reception and evening hog roast was another costly part. The dress was handmade however because of their contacts was not expensive. They didn't start out with major debt and just have their mortgage. They are very blessed.

Personally I would rather give that type of money towards practical things. Our only Daughter wouldn't want what our DiL and out son had and would rather have the money.
In their circumstances fair enough.

I wouldn't be saying anything though as it's none of my business to the op. It could cause problems and it isn't worth it

You'll Be wise to keep mum. If it was your daughter then you could say something but at the end of the day the bride sets the level of the wedding day and if she is the type that wants to have extravagance you will not help by giving advice. I agree it is a waste. My daughter was ever so cleverly frugal but my son’s wife wanted the 9 bridesmaids etc and nothing would stop her it was very important to her. Far beyond my influence. So keep out of it i’m Afraid.

I got married in 1985 with a budget of £2000 from my mum. I made my own dress, arranged my own flowers and my mum made the cake which my friend decorated. The rest of the money went on the restaurant for the reception with a sit down meal. As my in laws paid for the wine and champagne we treated ourselves to a Rolls Royce for my trip to the church and our trip to the restaurant afterwards and gave my mum back some change.
My DS got married last year and we had a DIY wedding. I don't think even the couple know how much it cost as the relative who provided some of the funding wanted it to be a secret to avoid other cousins making assumptions for the future, but I contributed what I could afford saying if it wasn't needed for the actual wedding day, to use it for whatever they liked. It was so great to see everyone working together to make it a really lovely day. I sewed miles of bunting, and helped arrange lots of flowers while others helped with food and setting up the venue. I was pleased to see that my DiL bought a wedding dress that was ex display and therefore much cheaper, and sourced everything else very reasonably - a girl after my own heart.
It was a dream wedding, but not at a nightmare cost!
Also spending a week with my DiL's parents, preparing things together, means I really feel our two families have been joined together in lots of ways.

Conspicuous consumption is almost equivalent to bad taste these days.

However one's relatives are free so to indulge and better keep quiet about your personal opinion if it's likely to cause quarrels or bad feeling. Bad taste is not a hanging offence.

My younger son and his wife had a ‘cheap and cheerful ‘ wedding, but it was one of the sweetest and prettiest weddings I’ve ever attended.
DIL is very artistic, and decorated everything with pastel balloons and matching garden flowers. She made her own wedding cake, which was beautiful, and all the family shared cooking for the wedding breakfast.
The best thing about it was that everyone was so happy, and there was no ‘one-upmanship’.
I think that unless you’re very wealthy and can easily afford the expense, it’s best to have a modest celebration. It’s the love and commitment that matter, not the trimmings.

My eldest son had a lovely day at a local hotel,i dont know exact cost,my DIL's parents were paying for actual meal,venue etc,but theyre not poor so could have been at least 2-3000,included evening buffet&wine,so i provided special champagne for toasts,DIL's parents also bought her dress,but it was a simple off white long style dress,and they paid for wedding car,&flowers,but my son and DIL are not well off and already had a home&3kids so they got grooms/attendants suit hire&wedding outfits for all 3children,and any extras forgotten about,i paid for them a night away for honeymoon night also,and bride&groom paid for a couple of extra days away too.(and that was an amazing day/night reception also for us all)they had a lovely time for about 60 guests,and my DIL is the type who likes nice things,but still managed it without breaking the bank.One of my own daughters is engaged but has a home &2children and her fiance works very long hours,(shes returned to uni as mature student)and they dont see that they will EVER be able to afford to get married!?

When my DS got married both sets of parents contributed a large sum to help out with the day and a very expensive honeymoon. When I later learned what the wedding had truly cost - about three times the parent's contributions - I was almost speechless. Luckily I remained speechless as to say anything would have caused upset, but it seemed like the worst kind of folly when they wanted a house and had nothing for a deposit.

Depending on your relationship with your son perhaps a quiet discussion about your concerns may be appropriate. Unless they are expecting you to contribute to the wedding costs or expect other financial support (eg. assistance with housing costs) due to the burdens of an expensive wedding it is their life, their decision and their responsibility to deal with the consequences. This guideline applies whether we think our adult children's decisions are good or bad.

What other people/posters/relatives etc did or did not spend on their respective weddings is simply irrelevant.

I would say you"re not being unreasonable ...but what to say without causing any upset is another thing. Years ago you either had a simple church wedding and the bride's father traditionally footed a large proportion of the bill ( and had a big say in it ) , or you had a simple register office. Either one of these was personal choice but without all the expectations and extravagances that seems to be the norm now.
Some of the nicest weddings I"ve been to is were the budget has been very limited and the creative skills/talents of other family and friends has meant that things that may have been unaffordable have been given to the bride & groom in the way of a wedding present, such as the wedding cake, hand tied bouquets made from garden flowers, and finger food, and drinks, the use of a nice car for the bride. No-one looked down on these...in fact it felt like everyone was routing for them by making them a personal gift without something that was mass produced.
We are going to a wedding fairly soon that is taking place in the couple"s own garden. You have to pay the registrar an extra fee for this if it's not in a register office but not overly expensive. This couple decided it was a lot cheaper to spruce their garden up and give it a bit of a makeover and hold their wedding there, and still have a lovely garden to enjoy afterwards, than pay over the odds for a venue. They have not got a massive garden..it will be a small intimate celebration of family and close friends , and no big debt afterwards.

My grandsons fiancés mother started planning their wedding a year in advance. Even though they were not getting along she continued and the very expensive wedding went ahead. They were divorced six months later.
My granddaughter and her fiancé told no one and just went to the registry office with two friends. They were able to buy a nice house and are very happy with three lovely children.

If/whenever the opportunity presents itself make sure they know that you personally are very, very happy they are in love and getting married and not at all concerned/impressed by over the top displays.

I do think the 30K figure is not the average. That figure is generally for all the 10K dresses, banquets in high end establishment and an exotic honeymoon. Your DS and fiancee must have great credit limits if they are able to rack up something anywhere near that. Difficult but dont say anything. Your DS will know how you feel about expense so unlikely to address it. It is their life, you can't live it for them. Let them make their mistakes and hope this isn't one of them.

I sometimes think that the wedding is more important to people than the marriage! Personally I got married in a registrars office with 2 witnesses , a bit extreme I know but I've never seen the point in spending so much on one day. Having said that , it's up to the couple really

My son married at the time of my husband being seriously ill so I held out over contributing financially as we had no idea what our financial situation might be but said we would, when they felt ready, provide a house deposit. 5 years later that happened but 5 years on the happy couple are no more. Thankfully, no children involved.

My daughter had quite a lavish wedding. The whole day was a strain, as she was still recovering from an operation that went wrong, and almost cost her her life. Her Dad was also recovering from the 'flu, and not at all well. I was just glad to get to the end of the day without anyone keeling over!
My son had a Registry Office wedding, with 12 guests, and a meal at a local restaurant. The bride wore a lovely suit, and looked beautiful.
I know which event I enjoyed the most.

I think you just have to stand back - unless you make a regular point of critiquing their spending.

My in-laws were very supportive as grandparents, but my MiL had a fixation about us being spendthrifts. She even criticised our choice of new gas-fired boiler and said their was cheaper. It really rankled with me, to be honest, especially when one of my sons told me 'Granny says you and dad don't have any money because you spend too much'. It's not a very flattering opinion to have fed back to you.

As you said grandschemeofthings, its not your place to say anything, our children individually spent twice what I've
seen mentioned on this post, this was years ago and they still enjoying talking about the weddings, never heard one regret yet, think we have to remember, a different time a different place that our children inhabit.
I know it doesn't seem sensible to us older folks but ?????

I think we as an older generation should remember that a large percentage of couples do no think that "getting married" is anything near their top priority in setting up together.

The problems of actually finding somewhere to live and furnishing that home is in most cases enough.

We got married in a castle which was also a hotel and restaurant. We booked an overnight stay so we had a nice meal after the wedding and our wedding night was in the bridal suite with four poster bed etc and a lovely breakfast the morning after. We didn't know at the time but my DH had done work previously for the owner and his wife and when we went to settle out bill the following morning they gave us the suite for free as a wedding gift
My DH made our cake and because it wasn't the first time for either of us I wore a simple cream outfit and DH wore a nice suit, the most expensive part was the registrar.
I don't think wedding's have to be expensive but who am I. I can imagine how you feel GSOT, crikey at the end of the day you will just have to leave them to it and let the chips fall where they may. It's hard I know but it's a lesson they've got to learn themselves.

I think it's completely stupid to spend all that on a wedding unless you're so wealthy you won't notice the expense. And chances are that having spent all that on the wedding, next they'll be knocking on the door of the bank of mum&dad to fund their home deposit. But what can you do or say? Nothing probably. They just won't understand why you're "trying to ruin their wedding day". Sigh

As one of the parents who are contributing to the costs, I would advise you to just give what you've agreed and can afford and they can top up the amount from both families themselves and have whatever wedding they want. I would not offer more just because costs are escalating, neither would I bail them out of debt or loan money afterwards. Couples have to learn to budget and make their own way in the world and that includes making mistakes.