Gransnet forums


Children’s Manners

(123 Posts)
watermeadow Wed 01-Aug-18 20:44:50

AIBU to consider giving my granddaughter a book about manners for her birthday?
She is appallingly rude, no please or thankyou, no greeting or goodbye. Yesterday I looked into their sitting room to say hello to her and she said,”Go away”
She will be seven soon and I’m tempted to punish her with such a book instead of a toy, BUT it’s actually her parents’ fault, isn’t it?

DoraMarr Mon 06-Aug-18 12:29:16

“The elephant and the band baby”by Elfrida Vipond is about saying “please”,although it’s a bit young for a seven year old. It has been criticised, too, because the elephant steals all the food. It’s funny, though.

DoraMarr Mon 06-Aug-18 12:33:59

Once, on playground duty, a child, not from my class, asked me to tie his shoelace. I said “and what’s the magic word?”
“Abracadabra,” he replied.

Eloethan Mon 06-Aug-18 12:40:02

Dora smile

Riggie Mon 06-Aug-18 17:37:43

My son, who has SN, often eats his meals one item at a time, its no big deal but he knows that he wont get seconds of his favourite item until he's eaten everything else as well. That doesn't mean he won't ask!!

MamaCaz Mon 06-Aug-18 17:46:51

When at home, I often eat my meal one item at a time, too, starting with the food I least like, and ending with what I most enjoy. That way, it is the favourite flavour that lingers on my tastebuds. In other words, there is a logic behind it!
I remember doing this with some meals (not all, as some foods do taste nicer when eaten together) back on my teens, and my parents mustn't have considered it bad enough to tell me off. I really don't see that this particular trait constitutes 'bad manners'.

gillybob Mon 06-Aug-18 18:37:48

My DGC have all loved “the elephant and the bad baby” DoraMarr smile

Iam64 Mon 06-Aug-18 18:42:08

My Naughty Little Sister and Bad Harry.
Wonderful stories - you will never guess what that Bad Boy did next! I loved reading them and our now very adult children still laugh about them. Mind you, we weren't reading them as a manners improvement measure - it was entirely bedtime story fun. The moral and messages were loud and clear without being anything other than very funny. One of my favourites was when my naughty little sister bit Father Christmas .

watermeadow Mon 06-Aug-18 19:09:25

I think this is part of a modern trend to never say No, never tell your children off, never correct bad behaviour.
This child’s parents treat their young dog the same so he’s a bloody nuisance to everyone else. My daughter said,”Dogs don’t know what No means” I told her mine do, it means stop whatever you’re doing.

Grandma70s Mon 06-Aug-18 19:09:31

When my elder son started school his teacher used to read My Naughty Little Sister stories to them. He was convinced it was all real, and that his teacher really had a little sister who did naughty things. He used to come home saying “Do you know what Mrs X’s naughty little sister did?” in a scandalised voice.

Iam64 Mon 06-Aug-18 19:21:30

That made me smile Grandma70. The scandal, shock felt at the things that Naughty girl and her friend Bad Harry got up to were so totally shocking, we almost fainted at times when reading them.

water meadow - I don't know these people who never say No unless they're the people who always lacked parenting skills. My adult children and all their friendship circle have no fear of the word No. Same with their dogs in truth - tho one of mine did say to me some time ago that it was impossible to teach a dog not to jump up. Oh yes it is - though not unless everyone follows the Rules.

pollyperkins Tue 07-Aug-18 08:28:34

Well thank goodness my children and their partners all expect good manners and discipine their children. Of course the grandchildren are not perfectly behaved -none are - but they are learning. I do occasionally gently ask for a please or thank you (esp with younger ones) but try not to interfere otherwise. I don't get involved with little ones' tantrums except to reassure parents afterwards if they apologise!

gillybob Tue 07-Aug-18 08:37:31

A relative of DH’s (daren’t say more) is a recently retired teacher . She is very open to the fact that she dislikes children intently . Her most recent anecdote was to tell her not long qualified replacement to “treat the children as you would train a dog” “ use only one word commands wherever possible and never ever use friendly terms” I must’ve looked quite shocked ? and asked what she meant . “No, sit, stand, move, come, go......” My face must’ve been a picture so she added “ oh you just wouldn’t have a clue”. To right I wouldn’t . Nasty woman .

Jalima1108 Tue 07-Aug-18 10:04:01

-whispers quietly - my BF was a teacher (a much-loved one judging by ex-pupils' reactions when they saw her) and she used to say that she thought some others in the profession disliked children intensely.

knickas63 Tue 07-Aug-18 11:35:13

If my DGC are in my home and they are rude, they get anything from a look to a loud 'oi!' or even a bellow from my DH - who is extremely intolerent of bad manners (problem comes with the definition of bad manners! His is anything that basically means being a child!) Our daughters do insist on Please, Thank you and Sorry though. We do however get lots of 'go away' and 'I'm not talking to you' especially if we step in to an argument. (infuriates my husband). I don't take it as personally as him. If they can tell you to go away - it means they are comfortable with you - that's my take anyway.

grands Tue 07-Aug-18 13:27:40

Sadly it seems that some youngsters are interested in self. Though I believe it can be beneficial for people (young and older) to be assertive. It is important for us to know, accept and make use of assertive meaning :- I'm ok, your ok. As in mutual respect.

Disrespect is disrespectful. Manners are polite, and welcome. Respect is Welcome. Reciprocation (in regards to consideration, Kindness) is Welcome, and in the past it was the 'norm' (normal), was to be expected, and very much encouraged by parent, elders, etc.

Unfortunately some seem to place self well above everyone else. Rather than having a Philosophy of
Sharing, Caring, Kindness, etc.

Yes Parents are Responsible :- Parental Responsibility. But maybe those in Power NEED to Lead by Good Example. Seems that youngsters emulate Royal Family, Celebrities, Rich.

Materialism, Wealth and Power and Control seem to be priorities for some.

Hope things Change for the Better.

alchemilla Tue 07-Aug-18 19:10:00

watermeadow does your DGC read at all? If she were a voracious reader I'd get her the old-fashioned Secret Garden and Little Lord Fauntleroy in a modern edition. If she's not, why don't you consult your local bookshop about a book for her age group that emphasises decent behaviour. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory springs to mind but I'm sure there are more up to date ones.

annodomini Tue 07-Aug-18 19:26:56

Sadly, she's too young for my favourite toddler book - The Elephant and the Bad Baby - which inculcates good manners at an early stage and gives parents the opening to talk to the child about the issues.

Iam64 Tue 07-Aug-18 21:54:04

That's a new one on me anno, I'll seek it out.

confusedbeetle Wed 08-Aug-18 14:20:01

Its a shame your grand cj=hildren are not well mannered although some of the thingsyou describe are not manners. eg eating foods one type at a time, for some children this is a part of development. I think manners are consideration for others and courtesy. If you are lucky the parents teach it. If they don't its none of your business and you certainly shouldn't say anything or worse buy a book. Most of my children do teach the grandchildren manners, some more than others. What I would say that it is perfectly ok to have some LITTLE rules in your house even if they don't do it at home. Please and thank you are non-negotiable. There may be some things you don't like that don't bother their parents so be good-natured and kind about it. Criticising someone else's methods is truly awful. We all did our best, and most of us got things wrong, and our children turned out ok. Dont alienate them

annep Wed 08-Aug-18 19:46:29

I have found this thread so useful. hurray for Gransnet!

MissAdventure Wed 08-Aug-18 19:57:46

I don't think that having firm boundaries alienates children at all.
It also teaches them about respect, for self and others.

PECS Wed 08-Aug-18 22:33:27

My own DD1 loved The Elephant & the Bad Baby when she was tiny ! If children are brought up in an environment where they are treated with kindness, love courtesy and good manners they will copy what they see.. that is how little children learn. Obviously there will be lapses but generally children surrounded by positive behaviour will imitate it and only need a gentle prompt when there is an occasional lapse. Siblings will squabble and fight.. that is part of natural puppies/kittens My DGC will have dreadful catfights and rough & tumbles, they get tired and grumpy and angry..don't we all! But as they are children they need to learn how to manage those emotions /feelings and it can take time. Most of the time they are a delight.... just like me and their parents grin and sometimes they are fed up just like me and their parents wink