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(31 Posts)
lizzy67 Thu 02-Aug-18 22:26:55

Hi I have posted here months ago and received great advice. My DILcannot stand hubby and I, after inviting us to join themhere in 'their' town. So here we came and we live in Sheltered Accommodation, which is lovely. But we are not allowed to see our grandchildren and haven't seen them for over 3 years. Sure, we see pics on facebook. That is our son's way of 'keeping us in the picture.' I posted once that the kids had grown so much I wouldn't have recognised them. Apparently that is 'inflammatory' and I haven't to do it. And hubby and I had been getting on really well with the kids, but that is a bygone thing now. Last time I spoke to our DIL I said 'Is it a problem to you that we live in X town.' She is from Eastern Europe, not even a citizen here, but her reply was 'Yes, actually it is. I am terrified every time I go out of my door that I am going to bump into you. My hubby promised me that you would live in your own flat, with your own front door, your own interests and your own friends. so yes, it is a problem.' Personally I doubt there is any way around this extent of dislike, even though they invited us to join them here. So we are hoping to move. We told our DS and he said nothing. Not a bloody word. We asked him if he knew why and he said he could guess. I know we all do our best for our kids, make sacrifices etc etc. But talk about a kick in the teeth. I know my kids have done very well job wise and financially, but I do so wish they had some more backbone. We didn't want to come first, that is his wife'position. But we did hope to be considered. He told us that his kids 'didn't need grandparents.' I cannot believe one of my own can have turned out like this.

OldMeg Thu 02-Aug-18 22:53:28

Well for a ‘foreigner’ she has mastered the language if you have reported her words verbatim.

muffinthemoo Thu 02-Aug-18 22:57:33

I am not sure I am understanding this correctly - you have been no contact with them for three years now? Was that the last time you spoke with any of them?

rubytut Thu 02-Aug-18 23:05:41

I am so sorry. Your son sounds a very weak man to put his wife's feelings above his parents,children and himself. You can only hope that the curiosity of the children will mean they will want contact with you at some time. Hopefully your son will come to his senses and face up to the control his wife has over the family.

lizzy67 Thu 02-Aug-18 23:10:07

no. spoke with dil over xmas. my brother and sil were here and suggested they go and see them. dil in law said yes. i asked if me and hubby could also visit grandkids as we hadn't seen them for 3years. the answer was no. so i swore at dil. maybe i shouldnt have done, but i've been ostracised by them for years. it;s not nice. swearing helps. i simply dont knowwhat else to do. nothing works towards mending y
this awful situation. so i do voluntary work instead where i can be of some use to someone.

Eloethan Thu 02-Aug-18 23:17:51

I don't see what the fact that your daughter in law is from Eastern Europe and, according to you, doesn't have citizenship has got to do with anything. If you project that sort of attitude perhaps that is one of the reasons the relationship has gone wrong.

You say you told your son that you were moving away and he said nothing. Given the amount of animosity, what did you expect him to say? Are you going to move or was it just a threat? Why is your daughter in law "terrified" to bump into you?

Perhaps your son's wife is controlling, or perhaps there's a battle for control from both parties. It's difficult for anyone to know on the information available.

lizzy67 Thu 02-Aug-18 23:46:53

HI All, and especially Eloethan, no, it wasn't just a threat. we are moving as we just can't see the situation improving at all. We have 'apologised' numerous times for what we have done wrong, even though we didn't know what it was, but it makes no difference at all. And we have no idea why our DIL is 'terrified' to bump into us. It's just a mess all round.

FlexibleFriend Thu 02-Aug-18 23:47:18

It might help if we knew why your Daughter in law seems to hate you so much, it didn't just come from nowhere. Obviously you must have got on well at some point otherwise they wouldn't have suggested you move closer.

lizzy67 Thu 02-Aug-18 23:59:36

HI, before we returned to uk I had thought that we had got on extremely well. On our first day off the ship we met our grandson, who was 7. He was very shy, hiding behind his mum's skirts. In an effort to make him laugh, I put my fingers on my lower dentures and made a pulling noise, till I finally managed to 'pull' my teeth out. He thought it was hilarious and laughed and laughed. The more he laughed the more I did it, till he came up to me for a cuddle. I was trying to make him feel at ease. However, this did not go down at all well with my DIL. Maybe I shouldn't have done it. But I did. And things just haven't been the same since. It was only for fun for God'ssake.

lizzy67 Fri 03-Aug-18 00:06:42

DIL has said that if she falls out with someone it takes her a long time to get right with them again, if we indeed ever happens. and that , in her view, is just the way things are. And I think of how very welcome we made her in our family. Pity!

FlexibleFriend Fri 03-Aug-18 00:19:11

Well not sure I would have been amused tbh if that was the first time you met but I think there must be more than her thinking your eccentric.

muffinthemoo Fri 03-Aug-18 00:39:25

What was the reason they gave you for not allowing you any contact with the grandchildren?

Was it the teeth incident, or something else?

Was Christmas your first row/exchange of words with DIL?

agnurse Fri 03-Aug-18 04:09:52

TBF, your comment on Facebook could be interpreted as passive-aggressive. If there is already bad blood between the two of you I am not surprised it would have been viewed as an inflammatory statement.

Diktat Fri 03-Aug-18 05:57:35

What does being Eastern European have to do with anything?

And if you wanted to smooth things over...swearing at her was a poor choice.

Comment on social media? Seems passive aggressive.

Have you done anything overbearing?

lizzy67 Fri 03-Aug-18 07:40:04

ah, FlexibleFriend, this was not the first time we had met. We met before and during the wedding and again in 2005. I had thought that we got along famously and was very comfortable in her company. Still...

stella1949 Fri 03-Aug-18 10:34:34

Sorry but the false teeth thing would have put me off for life. When meeting the child , surely you could have just smiled and said "hello there", and brought a little gift for him , instead of acting like a clown . Waggling your false teeth at him sounds awful. Try doing it in front of a mirror, and see how it looks - it's gross . Maybe that is why she is worried about bumping into you again - she might be afraid that you'll waggle your teeth at her. You said that nothing has been the same since then - to me it's self explanatory.

jenpax Fri 03-Aug-18 10:52:02

This is one of the most bizarre stories I have seen on GN! You fell out with your DIL 3 years ago, haven’t seen the grandchildren since then and no explanation is forth coming other than a bizarre false teeth incident!! I can’t help feeling there is much more to this than meets the eye!

Grammaretto Fri 03-Aug-18 14:00:57

I think you have burnt your boats. Sad but she has decided for whatever reason that you are bad news.
Sometimes a change and time heals.
Once you have moved I suggest you write them all a nice letter inviting them over to see your new place. At least that way you can't be accused of scaring her on her territory.
Keep your distance at least for a while.
I'm not close to one of my DiLs. She likes to keep herself and the children at arm's length.
I thought we'd be useful as baby sitters but that's not what she wants.
I used to find it a bit hurtful but I'm so used to it now I am just truly grateful whenever we do get an invite.

Marmark1 Fri 03-Aug-18 14:33:55

It’s so common isn’t it,especially when the M,I,L has had a good relationship with the son.You can’t always explain it,more likely something in her makeup.Sometimes you just have to step back,if you know in your heart of hearts you’ve done all you can.

BlueBelle Fri 03-Aug-18 14:36:53

Is that s real Lizzy ? the false teeth incident would have put me off too, but it’s got to be more than that hasn’t it ? You say you got on famously and was comfortable in her company and that was 2005, 13 years ago You ve had no contact for three years so what has happened since 2005 and 2015 ....10years have you had contact ? When did you ‘get off the boat’ and move to be near them ?
I m sorry I m quite muddled If your daughter in law says she’s terrified of seeing you when she opens her front door something big must have happened after they invited you to live near them and as your son is not intervening he must be supporting his wife s fears
I think you need to honestly look at yourself or your husband as to what happened to cause this rift How bad was the swearing that doesn’t seem very normal it’s got to be something that’s happened whether you’re prepared to admit it or not

FlexibleFriend Fri 03-Aug-18 14:45:09

Well I'm struggling a bit to follow the time line here but I think you need to write only pleasant comments on facebook no matter what is going through your head at the time. Just say how lovely it is to see them looking so happy etc. You need to build bridges so you do need to take on board what she said to you.
'Yes, actually it is. I am terrified every time I go out of my door that I am going to bump into you. My hubby promised me that you would live in your own flat, with your own front door, your own interests and your own friends. so yes, it is a problem.'
Which bit of this is giving her a problem? surely you do have your own place, front door etc Your own interests and your own friends so why is she terrified of bumping into you? Do you live next door? Maybe she feels as if your being too needy and clinging to "her" family so prove you're not join some clubs, make some friends and please apologise the the teeth waggling incident, which in itself is bad enough but I still think there is more you're not telling us. Tell her you've spoken to others and they advise you to make friends and not rely on your son and her and you fully intend to follow that advise, tell her you are so sorry if you've made her feel uncomfortable in any way and would like to start over and will ensure this never happens again. Ask her what she would like, you already know she's living away from her family and everything familiar so what would she like from you and see if she'll explain what it is that's bugged her so badly. Let's face it you have nothing to lose you already have zero contact with them so how much worse could it be? seriously eat humble pie.

Marmark1 Fri 03-Aug-18 14:50:38

You can only eat so much humble pie in my experience,being made to feel like a second class citizen by someone you know has emotional problems,there comes a time when you have to just let it go,as painful as it is for your own sanity.

maddyone Fri 03-Aug-18 15:17:52

Something very strange here, I can’t work it out. The DiL sounds horrendous, a real control freak, but also the timeline, it’s a long time since 2005 when they got married and you all got on famously. How often did you see your son and his family since 2005? Did you only meet your grandson when he was 7? If so, why? If the teeth incident is the only incident that you think sparked dislike, well I can only say how strange! It may not be the best way to greet your grandson but it’s hardly crime of the century. I can hardly believe that this minor incident is the cause of the problem. I’m afraid I’m simply not understanding how this very big family problem has developed.

muffinthemoo Fri 03-Aug-18 15:25:22

I completely understand people holding some details back to prevent possible identification (especially since threads appear on facebook hmm ) but I’m afraid at this point there is just too much context missing for anyone to give OP helpful advice.

Even if DIL is actually fruit loops, there is so little context given for these clashes it’s impossible to figure out if she’s being unreasonable and how OP should approach this.

OP’s obviously suffering but it’s not really possible to suggest anything at this point sad

lizzy67 Fri 03-Aug-18 15:42:29

Hi everyone, Many thanks for all your helpful comments. Even the ones that told me to have a good look at myself! There were other instances of conflict, and maybe we are just too different. The reason I can't see the children is that I have bi-polar. Maybe she thinks it's a character weakness? I don't know. But there we are. Yes, she is controlling, and that is why hubby and me are hoping to move away - give us all a bit of peace. We've been in uk now for 4 years. In that time I have made friends, joined clubs, done voluntary work, and generally keep myself busy. My DIL is highly critical of others, and that doesn't sit right with me. It's just the AMOUNT of times I get critiscised that bugs me. Anyway, once again everyone, many thanks for your advice.