Gransnet forums


My daughter never wants to Skype

(48 Posts)
threesugars Fri 17-Aug-18 13:55:48

My daughter moved abroad 7 years ago with her then boyfriend, now husband. They're very happy and settled there but I do miss her terribly and try to go over once a year - not least because I now have two beautiful grandsons to visit! I try and speak to them once a week but this rarely happens and it can be a whole month goes by without me being able to reach them. I know they are busy and the time difference doesn't help but my daughter seems very put out whenever I ask if we can have a quick chat. Surely it's not too much to ask to see my grandsons and talk to my only daughter every now and again? I don't know how to raise this with her without causing upset?

MargaretX Fri 17-Aug-18 16:12:18

It could be that her sons don't want to Skype and she's too busy to persuade them.

OldMeg Fri 17-Aug-18 16:20:36

Have you tried simply not getting in touch and see how long it takes for her to contact you? I’d be tempted to try that.

I know it isn’t a lot to ask from your family, but it might make them sit and and think if you suddenly appeared to be less desperate to talk to them. Desperate isn’t the word I’m searching for but it will have to suffice as my brain has packed up!

Farmor15 Fri 17-Aug-18 18:07:22

I’m a person who doesn’t really like Skyping or even talking on the phone much, especially to relatives far away. My son and grandchildren live abroad, and we’ve tried Skyping a few times, but it’s not great. Children just say hi briefly and then go off. Then there’s the time difference, mealtimes, bedtime, and our own activities.

I much prefer when they send photos, short videos and text messages about what they’ve been up too. We did try the suggestion of bedtime story - they have some of the same books we have here- but that didn’t really work either.

We see each other about 4 times a year, and have a good relationship. But we certainly wouldn’t talk on the phone once a week, unless we had something to organize. Our family has WhatsApp group, so we all share news and photos that way.

I think OldMeg’s suggestion is good, but you might have to wait quite a while for family to get in touch. I wouldn’t phone, just send text by WhatsApp, Viber or similar, enquiring about them, but not in a “needy” way.

Jalima1108 Fri 17-Aug-18 18:48:26

We've given up on Skype. It is dire.

Grandma70s Fri 17-Aug-18 18:53:46

My two sons are very different. The elder one phones me every day, for a bit of a chat but mainly just to check I’m all right. The younger one has never liked talking on the phone. He is perfectly amiable, but just not very communicative. We all use texting quite a lot. I love getting photos, but that doesn’t happen as much as it did when the grandchildren were younger.

We never use Skype now, and rarely FaceTime. I’m the one who doesn’t like it. It makes me feel self-conscious and not relaxed.

paddyann Fri 17-Aug-18 20:32:12

I hate skype ,so I can see why your daughter wont use it.Txt her or msg her on FB .I often have long chats on messenger with my daughter in the middle of the night when neither of can sleep

afternoontea Fri 17-Aug-18 20:56:30

When I lived abroad my mum wrote picture letters to my children, who loved them and twenty years later still have them.
Skyping was always tricky, like the others say, send a video message ask the grandchildren to send one back, make it something fun for them to do.

TerriBull Fri 17-Aug-18 21:04:21

Yeah I don't like Skype either, we have very close friends who departed to New Zealand and who we promised to Skype to keep up with each other. When we were all together we were never lost for words, but somehow these exchanges via Skype became very stilted, the conversation just didn't flow the way it would under normal circumstances.. The time differences didn't help, we always seemed to be doing it from the bedroom. I prefer to email overseas friends and family.. However, if it were children or grandchildren I'd probably make more of an effort. My husband eldest granddaughter Skyped her mother on her gap year and asked to be placed on the table when we were all together having Sunday lunch, roast lamb I think, the sight of it almost reduced her too tears. Weeks of eating with chopsticks had somehow lost their appeal . Roast dinner envy

Elrel Fri 17-Aug-18 21:04:29

Skype needs both parties to be available and willing at the same time. It doesn't always work for us. If I'm all relaxed the GC often aren't inclined to chat but if I'm scruffy and busy they are. Of course I drop everything and enjoy the interaction. The last really good Skype was GD 3 and I discussing books and showing some to each other, it just happened we both had some to hand. I loved it when she'd had enough and made it clear she was off!

Elrel Fri 17-Aug-18 21:06:11

Postcards and small postable presents go down well still, I find.

annep Fri 17-Aug-18 22:56:19

We tried Skype. don't like it. Texts for us and wait until D has time to answer. Phone now and again. I send the grandchildren little letters with a few pounds or make up little parcels of treats which they love to receive. dont worry.

BlueBelle Sat 18-Aug-18 04:35:29

I don’t skyp or FaceTime if I can help it Incan’t get over seeing my face looking back at me from a corner, oh my goodness do I really look like that, my son who is 12 hours ahead means one or other of us is just going to bed or just getting up We have a phone chat via messenger once a week but to be honest they are better when my daughter in law is there as she’s more of a newsy chatterer but I feel it keeps us in touch I wonder if your daughter would be better with a regular time that way she’s not caught unawares or in the middle of something we put 20 mins aside on my Sunday morning around 8am, their Sun night it seems to work better than the spontaneous call which might catch one or other of us busy if he’s going to be out he just messages to say and we wait till the following week

No I m not a fan of Skype unfortunately, although it all seems like a good idea, when my youngest daughters’ daughters stayed with me their mum used to Skyp at the end of the day and there was always trouble they d vie with each other to be the first, pushing and shoving the youngest always used to get tearful at seeing her mum and dad and end up going to bed upset and I really wished they wouldn’t

Your daughter has moved on and away from you and the fact that she could go a month without contacting you is very harsh of her I think (I have one daughter who rings or texts every day ‘just to make sure I m alive ?’)
I wonder if you tried Oldmegs method how long it would go

Willow500 Sat 18-Aug-18 06:02:17

You're not the only one - we tried Skype but that didn't work well with their connection so we switched to FaceTime which works ok but with the 12 hour difference, small children to look after, work, meal times and the general lack of communication as a whole we're lucky if we get together once a month. It's usually our Sat evening/their Sunday morning but as we need to go to bed around 10pm we often miss the time slot which happened last weekend - particularly sad as it was our youngest grandson's 3rd birthday. I sometimes think they don't realise we also have work and a life going on here too. We have WhatsApp which is where he is more likely to get in touch but even those messages are few and far between. They don't do social media either. They weren't very communicative even when they lived in the UK but we did manage phone calls occasionally. I just hope that as the children get older they start to ask to talk to their grandparents themselves.

annep Sat 18-Aug-18 07:49:47

Sorry , J didn't pick up on the fact that its a month sometimes between contact. That is very poor. I would feel sad at that. My daughter isnt regular in contact although never quite that long. My son on the other hand is never off the phone. He' loves chatting to me. You can't change how someone feels unfortunately. You can learn to accept it and just keep showing them you love them and then you will have no regrets.

annep Sat 18-Aug-18 08:03:43

WillowIn my experience you need to form a bond when grandchildren are young. And when they live far away thats difficult. You have to be prepared to visit as often as possible.

NanaLovejoy Sun 19-Aug-18 09:18:29

Well my long distance son does keep in touch regularly but we all find a Whats App family group very very useful for daily exchanges and pics! Do try it.

mokryna Sun 19-Aug-18 09:27:55

I was told, after, when my family moved back that although the parents wanted to skype it was very difficult to get the children week after week to sit in front of the screen twice on a Sunday, once for me (10am for me was 7pm for them )and another for the other GPs. We talked about what they had done at the beach -Nippers- and school activities but kept it very short.

Grampie Sun 19-Aug-18 10:06:50

I have both Skype and FaceTime. FaceTime is much easier and smoother but it only works between Apple products.

Could your daughter now be part of an Apple family?

nipsmum Sun 19-Aug-18 10:09:16

What have we done for centuries when families moved away. Also all families have many more demands on their time than we ever had. See them as often as you can and grin and bear the rest.

NotSpaghetti Sun 19-Aug-18 10:14:22

We use WhatsApp and it works a treat. Video messages from the children and "texts" from parents sit on my phone 'till I'm awake and vice-versa. Sometimes you notice they are online when you are too and then can give them a quick buzz and have a chat (similar to facetime) with or without the pictures. Grandchildren tell me what they are doing by themselves when they want to and it ecen works for my busy (lazy with communications) son who notices me and bores me with the info on some gizmo or work he's doing grin.
Skype was very hard work. It was always the wrong time. Maybe others have tried WhatsApp and can offer an opinion? Might be worth a go if they have it.

NotSpaghetti Sun 19-Aug-18 10:15:55

Sorry NanaLovejoy - took me a while to type this!

sarahellenwhitney Sun 19-Aug-18 10:52:36

I agree with nipsmum what did we do before Skype etc and I have no wish to get involved with any other means other than emails, lots of photos on these , text or phone to my family who live the other side of the world. They appreciate my wishes. This has not prevented me not knowing what they are doing or they what I am doing.I have visited them and they have visited me.You cannot live your life through Skype and if your daughter does not want to use that method then that is her choice.

henetha Sun 19-Aug-18 10:58:08

I had Skype for a while and hated it. I don't even like having my photo taken, so to be filmed while talking face to face was absolute agony for me. I spent most of the time leaning forwards so they could only see the top of my head.
I've deleted Skype now, thank goodness.
But I do understand how much you want to keep in touch with your daughter. Maybe WhatsApp would be better because then she can respond when she has time. It's great.... messages, voicemail, photos, videos.

sarahellenwhitney Sun 19-Aug-18 11:02:21

It can be a month before I get to speak to my family, not by choice but I would not wish them to feel compelled to make constant on the dot contact but every night I get an email ' lots of love mom' That is fine by me.