MIL painted my house whilst I was in hospital

Jalima he really doesn’t.

Without criticising either, they don’t have a different relationship now than they did when he was a kid. He was her favourite because he was very obedient and people pleasing (this trait has also been identified in him at work and has caused him some serious problems over the years) and it’s still a go-to behaviour for him when he’s around her.

(I have no mean intentions here. I have trouble dealing with my own mum’s problems and it takes a positive conscious effort on my part not to ‘play the role’ I was given as a kid, if that makes sense. I understand why he does what he does.)

phoenix Yeah. I was stressed out myself but... I don’t know. I had therapy over the years and I have a better toolkit for stressful situations as a result.

I suppose I feel like, this is not a thing I can ignore, but on the other hand, I and the girls need comparative peace and quiet for the next days, maybe weeks.

Is it bad to park this issue, say little about it now, and perhaps ask if we could reopen it in a couple of months? That feels unfair on the surface but ach, I just don’t really know what to do or approach the whole issue.

I do realise this is a DH issue which was somehow catalysed by MIL. Fundamentally if he had told her no, nothing would have been painted. I realise fully the person I need to explore this with is DH.

Oh friends, I am just so tired. In body and spirit. I’m tired and I don’t want to take this on right now.

I’m being a doormat, aren’t I.

No! You are tired and are being realistic and sensible. Off to bed!

and sleep well

Yes, goodnight Muffin

In the great scheme of things it's an annoyance but it really isn't worth getting too upset over while you have little ones and a yet-to-be-born baby inside you.

I often have to tell myself 'worse things happen at sea' to stop myself getting properly stressed out. You don't need the stress right now. Think of your blood pressure and let DH think of the solution.

Sleep well.

Jeeze muffin, I would be so angry that I would have imploded. You must be a saint because I would have given this woman the heave-ho years ago.
I think it is time to lay down the law and tell her where her place is, certainly not in your kitchen.

I would be hopping mad, not only with mil but also your husband who allowed it. How dare she. Even if it upsets the applecart I would certainly let them know what you think about it and also is you mil a fit person to care for the children? Take a stand and good luck.

Oh dear, this is definitely a DH issue - marriage and children esp with another on the way is a partnership and he's fallen at the first hurdle. For your sanity, put your foot down. It's your family and your home. Make it very clear you are not pleased and want no more stupid behaviour.

Muffin you sound amazing! I am full of admiration for you the way you are handling this. I am assuming even a hard discussion with your DH will not change the situation or his behaviour. I cannot offer advice as my MiL used to reorganise all my cupboards in the middle of the night when she came to stay. She also used to move the furniture around. Not only did she keep us awake I felt it was an invasion of privacy. My DH just accepted it as one of her quirks. The only time he ever fell out with her was when she complained because our children were not as nice to her as my niece and nephew were. He told her it was because she ignored them. Caused a bit of a stink but she got over it.
I also abhor magnolia and even paid the builders when we bought our new house extra to paint everything brilliant white. That is much easier to paint over and somehow looks cleaner.
I wish you strength in the coming weeks and have to say these traits your DH has will get worse as he gets older as I have noticed with my own DH.

I know exactly how you feel, when I went in to have second child, MIL came to look after first I came home 6 hours later to find she had washed all the window, nets and curtains!! where she could have spent time looking after and playing with son. x Get hubby to change the paint as soon as possible, is it the same colours as she has at home ?

I would be really cross with my husband if he allowed either of those things to happen while I was in hospital and I also think you need to speak to your MinL directly too as she will probably try to cross the line again in future. Tell her it is not her place to do any decorating unless asked and her taste is not yours so you will be changing it asap and perhaps she would like to foot the bill!

I think she’s trying to assert herself.. mothers in law can be tricky .( no,offence to the ones on here that are not!) they become ube protective of their sons and resentful of the fact they have married another woman ...
So she’s having fun being in control while you are in hospital or she’s nuts ...

Gosh such a rollercoaster of opinions and emotions here. First of all, muffin, I take my hat off to you for your calm and resilience in a decidedly stressful happening. That's for dealing with later when you feel ready. My second accolade goes to the mention of Pollyanna. How very appropriate and clever. The smiling me now goes to 'who would ever paint the insides of cupboards white gloss?' Me. I'm in the process of doing that right now. I'm loving the clean fresh sparkly finish but finding the work arduous and awkward. However, I'm pacing myself (difficult and frustrating) and getting there. Ashamed to admit the inners were yellow with age. So here I am - the oddity - one truly happy bunny!

Where was DH while his ma was decorating ?why were the babies, how many are there ? not fed for six hours.?DH not used to having the children on his own? Some one needs a wake up call and I don't mean MIL
Think about it.

be charitable and hope it was her being kind I say. But why not with a smile reepod with 'how about tackling the the kids' room and here is the EXACT colour I want in noc toxic paint and sonny boy will take the girls out while you do it?' hee hee
magnolia with white and black? - not my taste at all and yes weird inside cupboards (is she minnie mouse how did she get inside?) but not enough to raise your blood pressure anymore. Hope venting here has helped.

respond not reepod?

I don't think you are a Doormat if you park this situation.

As I said in my original response for your well being and that of your children take care of you and them.

What you have to deal with right now is a big enough ask as it is without getting into "What The Pay Off" is for you MIL and you H.

You have some very difficult psychological issues going on here, it's a very nasty "Game" being played.

MIL and H are offering you some really sh*tty invites all designed to get your attention on to them and take your energy away from you, your health and your children.

Let this one go. These "Games" will go on and on and on so worry not there will be another one along soon.

You just have to chose your battles or get out of the war but now is not the time.

I wish you all the very best with sorting out your kitchen.

Me I'd be getting a patio built (somewhere to hide the body) but I can be brutal and you are clearly a much stringer and kinder person than I am.

Take Care and do what feels best for you right now to get you through this difficult time.

What a strange thing to do without consultation. Maybe she figured it would be lovely and clean. It would be interesting to find out her motivation. Has she ever done anything like this before or is it a one off?
Strange that she neglected the children.....strange.

If your DH was in the house ( as uou say he was) for the whole time his mother was painting, why did he not feed his 'babies?

Your mil is definitely in the wrong and I would tell her so at the first opportunity BUT!!! she's your husband's mother and HE should have stopped her. Your real problem is your husband who either has never listened to what you've said re decorating or he just didn't have the nerve to stand up to his mother. HE needs sorting out very soon or this might just get worse in years to come.

Worthingpatchworker
I think it more odd that the children's father didn't see fit to feed his own kids.

Id be incandescent Muffin.
My first MIL had the same attitude as yours. Once when I was in hospital also giving birth she came and laid a secondhand carpet in our hallway. It had been a large square carpet that she'd bought from an auction. She cut a strip off it and laid it, ragged edges and all in the hall which was bare floorboards as we'd just moved in. I took it up and chucked it as soon as possible. My husband also didn't say a word.
When my girls were school age and I was working she very kindly had them to stay during the holidays but they always came back with short jeans cut off with pinking shears! Sleeves ditto. I'm afraid I did blow my top at that but it is difficult when the grandparents are doing you a favour with childcare. She didn't do any more alterations once I'd had a go though, and we did become quite close.

I would be furious, no-one decorates without discussion with me, my choice of colours etc. As for you DH, I can't describe what I would have liked to have done to mine if he'd sat back & let MiL do this & not feed the girls

Take care of your heath though, that is more important

You aren't being a doormat. You have made them aware of it. FIL realises it was wrong although obviously it would have been better if MIL had apologised.
It sounds as if your DH does care but can't deal with conflict and is more confused about boundaries and things that matter to you than intentionally unkind (although I realise that that is based on very limited information).
When my family moved to Canada in the 1970s my father went ahead to rent a property and get things sorted out for us to go as a family. He decided that renting was a waste of money and so he bought a house. It didn't occur to him that mum (and us as teenagers) would have enjoyed the fun of choosing our home, the first one that would actually have been owned. She had to say it was ok as he would otherwise have gone into a massive sulk. Men's minds just don't work that way. They need training and unfortunately it looks like you have to do a bit of untraining first.
Try not to let it rankle now as the painting is correctable even if your MIL isn't. Make it obvious that you are choosing what you want, lots of paint samples around and so on, but otherwise try to just have a big sigh and let it go.
With a big kitchen and plenty of light, you really have a good choice of what colours you can use. Get some testers and try them out in an out of the way place. Then you have marked your territory and made the point.
You need to have clear guidelines as to what happens when you give birth and I think writing out a list is a good way to do it.
Put the basics but include, - don't remove the baby from hospital, don't redecorate, renovate or refurnish the house and any other off the wall things that might happen.
There is a strange psychology to written instructions. Saying it sounds like a request but people will obey things written down as long as they read it.

I'd be furious. With both Dh and MIL.

Gabriella and others, re food;

It’s him I’m p*ssed off with regarding that. It’s not MIL’s job to do basic parent stuff. I am very clear that that falls on him. We had a talk about that last night.

This morning I have also found out that both of them were kept in nappies 24/7 all weekend, amd from a rash patch on eldest, not changed often enough either.

I am really upset and disappointed about this, because the wee ones and me have been working especially hard on toilet training and they are now nappy free in houses during the day. (I still offer them one for dancing, activities when out etc as they aren’t accident free and they get distraught over public accidents. Also they aren’t dry enough in the day to be reliably dry at night yet so still in pull ups then)

The paint thing is freaky but harmless. But I am really angry over what happened to the wee ones. All my previous attempts to get eldest day dry have been effectively stymied by DH shoving her in a nappy at every opportunity because its less effort. He promised to back me up this time. I really need her to be day dry and she is well over due for it. She’s worked really hard this time and we ate close to getting there.

Before this weekend, I’d only ever been away from her overnight twice (hospital, both times before she was a year) and the youngest never at all. What they really needed was their routine about meals and bathroom upheld and things to go on as normal. Instead they got skipped meals and wet nappies?!

I’ve said we need to discuss this after wee ones are in bed tonight. This is really not okay. Every parent gets stressed and upset but we still need to parent.

I admit I’m also a bit disappointed in ILs since they came ‘to help with the kids’ and that doesn’t seem to have happened, but it’s not their job. I’m also worried if I have to stay in hospital for a while around the birth, that since they were supposed to be his childcare help/support, that all three of them need to focus a bit more on the toddlers and a bit less on “projects” in the house.

Last time my BIL came to stay when number two was born, and he is great, I trust him completely. He’s working away this time though :-/

I always said that whatever issues MIL had with me, she was always good with the wee ones and I was never concerned about them being in her care. DH is the enormous letdown here but I also feel a wee bit disappointed in her.

Maybe I am being unreasonable about that though. I’m very tired and feeling unwell right now. Probably not thinking very clearly.