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AIBU

AIBU to feel a bit disgruntled?

(51 Posts)
icbn2802 Mon 03-Sep-18 16:48:22

It's my daughter's birthday today. She's my youngest of 5.
Having a large family means it's always been a bit costly so birthdays have never been big elaborate affairs for me & my family and none of my children have generally ever made a fuss. They just accept my best efforts for what they are. For this I'm grateful.
My husband has two children from a previous marriage ( my 5 are not his)
Generally on their birthdays we ( this doesn't include my children & is always "conveniently" arranged on a day they're with their own dad) go out for a meal to celebrate the birthday. I always make a cake, buy a small gift and a card. Ok maybe it's not a huge amount but it's a gesture I make.
Today, my daughter hasn't even had a card from my husband. I think if I was to mention it to her she'd probably just shrug her shoulders. So it is just me having a whinge but I feel so peeved. AIBU?

BlueBelle Mon 03-Sep-18 16:55:20

Don’t husband and wives normally send a card together from Mum and Dad or Mum and Jim , jack, John
I don’t understand why you think he should be doing it alone?

kittylester Mon 03-Sep-18 16:58:06

I'm with bluebelle - seems odd to me.

Nanabilly Mon 03-Sep-18 16:58:46

I'm with bluebelle on this ..why should he send a seperate card?

kathsue Mon 03-Sep-18 17:10:45

Does he usually send a card to your children?
If your daughter's not bothered about it I don't think you should worry about it.
I think Birthday cards are becoming a thing of the past these days especially among younger people. A text or fb message is more usual. He may have wished her Happy Birthday in person.
Are you feeling peeved that you do more for his children than he does for yours?

mcem Mon 03-Sep-18 17:17:40

Always joint cards in our family.
Why would you have separate ones?

Bridgeit Mon 03-Sep-18 17:20:31

I also Agree with the other posters, not a battle that needs fighting.

paddyann Mon 03-Sep-18 17:34:56

If anyone expected a card from my OH they'd be waiting a very long time.He doesn't "do" cards .I haven't had a card in 44 years .I always sign ours from both of us,I thought everyone did .

Bluegal Mon 03-Sep-18 17:35:59

Sorry but ... same here! My husband just doesn’t buy for birthdays apart from mine 🤣. I just get cards/presents and put his name on so he’s often thanked for presents he hasn’t a clue about lol

However if it’s ALWAYS been done like that in your house I can sort of understand. Perhaps you just need to ask him if he forgot?

luluaugust Mon 03-Sep-18 19:37:28

We always send joint cards to everybody, family or friends just can't visualise OH doing separate ones, sometimes I have to add my brother as well. OH does do mine.

Jalima1108 Mon 03-Sep-18 19:43:45

Husbands sending cards? confused

I send cards from both of us (he does send one to me though!)

Sar53 Mon 03-Sep-18 20:26:39

We have four daughters, four son in laws and ten grandchildren between us. I buy all the cards, he pays for presents for his side , I pay for my side and all cards and presents are from both of us. He wouldn't have any idea when everyone's birthday is. The only card he ever buys is for me, and that's for my birthday, he doesn't do C........ cards. Works for us. I think in most partnerships it's the female who tends to remember to buy the cards.

Melanieeastanglia Mon 03-Sep-18 21:39:24

Dynamics are different in every family but I think that I agree with most posters that usually a couple sends a joint card.

I certainly wouldn't have thought it worth worrying about.

sodapop Mon 03-Sep-18 21:49:24

I was just talking about this with my daughter in law and we agree the majority of men we know never buy or write birthday or Christmas cards. It seems its the women in the family who keep the connections. I don't understand why you would send separate cards.

Bathsheba Mon 03-Sep-18 22:02:57

I agree with other posters. I think it'd be a little odd to send cards separately if you're a couple. My DS is divorced and in a new relationship - he always sends cards signed from him and his partner and the children. I certainly wouldn't expect a separate card from his partner on my birthday!

grumppa Mon 03-Sep-18 22:21:22

Birthday and Christmas cards are nearly always joint; as a rule I write the ones to my family and friends, and DW does the ones to hers.

Does OP send separate cards to DH's children? If so, there is a case for reciprocity, I suppose.

stella1949 Tue 04-Sep-18 07:14:57

You are married - surely cards come from both of you ? If my step kids were waiting for a card specifically from their father, they'd die waiting. Men, in general, don't "do" cards. Many of them ( like my ex) don't "do" birthdays at all.

harrigran Tue 04-Sep-18 08:18:39

To answer your question, I am afraid YABU men just do not do the card thing.

Jalima1108 Tue 04-Sep-18 10:26:05

Surely couples send a card from both of them? I think it would be odd to send one each.

Occasionally I make DH write a card to members of his family - but I wouldn't let him choose them!

Nonnie Tue 04-Sep-18 10:30:18

Crumbs, the thought of DH buying and sending cards confused not going to happen. At Christmas I give him the few cards which are strictly for his rellies, I write the envelopes and put the stamps on, all he has to do is write a message and sign. How long does this take? About as long as it takes me to write and post all the other cards. Now if he had to buy them as well, hmm wouldn't happen,

Jalima1108 Tue 04-Sep-18 10:35:38

I find that I have written and posted most of the Christmas cards, bought stamps and done the envelopes for the ones DH needs to send out - and his sit there until they really need 1st class stamps.
Perhaps they get them in time for NY.

Purplepoppies Wed 05-Sep-18 07:09:14

I see this differently. I get a card from my mum on my birthday, lovely words to her daughter, and usually a funny one from from my step father that he has chosen, and vice versa.
If he normally buys a card is there a reason to be concerned why he hasn't? Surely if your children still live at home he knows when a birthday is coming up? You will have been organising something? Even if your daughter doesn't he will know you were making arrangements? I would ask him if this is unusual.

Lilyflower Wed 05-Sep-18 07:15:19

Men go out and hunt the sabre toothed tigers. Women gather nuts and berries and write the cards.

Bush Wed 05-Sep-18 07:24:27

I thought husbands and wife’s send joint cards.

Is it that you send one from ‘Mum’ and you expect your DH to send one from ‘Stepfather’?

PECS Wed 05-Sep-18 07:26:14

Do you think your hisband actively decided not to send a card when he usually does? Or did he just forget?
Like others have said DH & I send joint cards, my DD2 & family receive cards from MiL & her 2nd husband jointly & from FiL & his 2nd wife jointly. Don't find a problem where none exists...unless you have reason to believe he was snubbing DD for a reason.