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AIBU

Friend not invited to her daughters wedding

(79 Posts)
FlorenceFlower Thu 06-Sep-18 11:49:01

Not sure if this is AIBU or not but a friend is extremely upset that her daughter got married at the weekend and just sent her mother, my friend, a text to let her know.

The daughter has a long term live in boyfriend and three children under 7. For whatever reason, my friend hasn’t told me exactly why, but she doesn’t like her SiL and has never allowed him into her house, although she does love and look after all three grandchildren, including overnight stays.

Her daughter apparently had a church wedding and a lovely reception, but none of her relations were invited. As far as I know, her relations have not invited the young man into their weddings or events either.

To say that this has caused upset in my friends family is an understatement!

FlorenceFlower Thu 06-Sep-18 11:51:58

Sorry, posted too soon! What should my friend do? She is furious and upset at the moment. Just communicating by text. She thought she had a close relationship with her daughter.

I can see both sides, I think that to never allow the father of her grandchildren into her house, was extraordinary.

Any thoughts, ideas?

Violetfloss Thu 06-Sep-18 11:56:29

Maybe it's time for your friend to accept her son in law?
It's been 7 years if not longer?
The atmosphere would of be horrible thinking about it..
Would she of ignored him?

My mother in law wasn't invited to our wedding because of her dislike/ horrible attitude towards me. It was my husband's choice. Not mine.

Time to leave the past in the past I think.

alchemilla Thu 06-Sep-18 12:02:22

Your friend should send congratulations and ask to see pictures. She can't get the wedding re-run, can she? and if she never allowed the SiL to darken her doorstep, I can see why she wasn't invited to the wedding. Either she had good reason to ban her SiL in which case she wouldn't have liked the wedding, or she hasn't got good reason to dislike her SiL and wouldn't have been top of anyone's guest list. And the same go for the relations who've never invited him to anything - why should they be on the guest list?

MiniMoon Thu 06-Sep-18 12:09:49

Does your friend visit her DD and SiL's home? Is he present when she visits? I think it's high time she accepted him, and welcomed him into the family, after seven or more years it looks like the relationship is solid and has now become permanent.
Why does she not like him?

JudyJudy12 Thu 06-Sep-18 12:16:22

Understandable it was the SILs wedding too.

I think the situation will get worse, it has probably been manageable while the children were young but now they will be aware that their father is not liked by you, if they have to choose they will choose their father and your friend will lose them.

Luckygirl Thu 06-Sep-18 12:20:22

Well -if she has never allowed the groom into her home, what does she expect?

glammanana Thu 06-Sep-18 12:59:22

Why should it be OK for the groom to be in your friends company for this one day when he is left out of all the other family gatherings.
Whilst I feel sorry for your friend not seeing her daughter married the daughter has put her immediate family first and that is her husband not her mother.

Nanabilly Thu 06-Sep-18 13:04:38

Good on her daughter for putting her new husband's feelings first and giving her mum a taste of her own medicine .
Maybe she will rethink her actions from now on , well once she has calmed down that is.
Karma is a bitch!

Bluegal Thu 06-Sep-18 13:07:30

I think said friend should count herself lucky she sees the grandchildren regularly. No matter what she feels about SIL it is daughter’s choice! She has behaved badly and now complaining things haven’t gone her way again? Ye reap what you sow springs to mind!

stella1949 Thu 06-Sep-18 13:08:45

So neither your friend nor her family has ever allowed this man into their homes ? Well no wonder they were not invited to the wedding ! I wouldn't have invited her either. So she is upset - maybe the young couple have been upset for years at her nastiness.

Sounds like Karma has bitten your friend on the backside .

Anniebach Thu 06-Sep-18 13:27:00

In fairness how can anyone expect a wedding invitation when they refuse to have anything to do with the groom

muffinthemoo Thu 06-Sep-18 13:33:49

So....

She has never let the guy into her house, and he’s never been invited to any family function.

Despite this behaviour, he still allows her to have a relationship with her grandchildren.

I can see who is being unreasonable here, and it’s not the new son in law.

ChaosIncorporated Thu 06-Sep-18 13:45:35

I can only echo others.
How can anyone be "furious" at not receiving an invite to the wedding of a person they would not allow over their doorstep?

Jalima1108 Thu 06-Sep-18 13:49:39

Her daughter apparently had a church wedding and a lovely reception

You know the part of the service where the vicar asks:

"If anyone has any objections speak now or forever hold your peace."?

Well, perhaps the daughter thought her mother might jump up and start objecting and embarrass everyone.

Seriously - why does she think she should have been invited when she has nothing to do with her now SIL, won't let him into her house and have excluded him from all their weddings and family dos?

Jalima1108 Thu 06-Sep-18 13:50:06

has not have

luluaugust Thu 06-Sep-18 13:58:05

How have you resisted asking her the reason he can't come in the house and isn't invited to anything, very odd after at least 7 years. Why would she be invited, they wanted a happy stress free day and who can blame them. She better start trying to fix things as now he is actually married to DD he could make meeting with the GC more difficult.

Anniebach Thu 06-Sep-18 14:03:38

I managed to have two daughters, three son in laws and a step daughter in law who is married to my son in law who isn’t . Love them all.

BlueBelle Thu 06-Sep-18 14:15:37

Sounds very strange maybe your friend should join Gransnet and ask us herself as you don’t really no enough details
All sounds quite reasonable to me why would you want to invite someone to your wedding if that person was so dismissive of your partner

NanKate Thu 06-Sep-18 14:39:24

When our DS got married his future wife wanted ALL her friends to be there so we were told we could only invite 6 guests ☹️ We agreed as we did not want to cause our DS problems. We then organised a second event for all our friends who could not be there.

My DinL soon to be ex now has a boyfriend. I wonder if she marries again if she will make this demand again. I hope the next parents in law stand up to her.

paddyann Thu 06-Sep-18 15:21:14

their weddding their choice who is invited,the days are long gone when parents had a say in what happens or who 's asked to the church or reception.Surely thats how it should be,we all had our own wedding days ,now its their turn.

MissAdventure Thu 06-Sep-18 15:35:47

I think its a bit of a cheek really, to not allow someone into your home (particularly when they are your child's partner) and then expect a wedding invite.

sodapop Thu 06-Sep-18 16:00:54

I can't understand it either, seems hypocritical not to allow the man into your house then expect a wedding invitation. The only rider to this - we have no idea why the friend dislikes him so much.
I think your friend should tell her daughter she is happy for her Florenceflower and look at ways of including the new husband in the family.

FlorenceFlower Thu 06-Sep-18 16:17:22

Thank you for your replies - I will print them for my friend AND ask her to join Gransnet, she feels she isn’t very good with computers but I’m sure she could try.

I agreed put it on Gransnet for her to get some objective responses because it seems to me that most people she has spoken to have completely blamed her daughter, whereas I can see why the daughter wouldn’t want her mother at her wedding.

I agree with the majority of posters and feel she’s got herself get into a ridiculous and unkind situation. I hadn’t realised the extent of her animosity go her SiL and his family, I didn’t know until today that he was ‘banned’ from her house.

I have gathered that she is worried about some sort of criminal activity in her now Son in Laws family, but she doesn’t want to say what.

I think the point about her daughter being worried that her mother might object in the church is a good one, I hadn’t thought of that, thank you Jalimal.

I think she MUST ‘turn the other cheek’ and welcome the ‘prodigal son’ (well not quite, but you know what I mean) and if I was in her shoes, I would be very worried about the grandchildren either not being allowed to see her in the future or deciding for themselves as they get older, that they don’t want to see someone who seems to hate their father and his family.

I have also suggested that she organises a second celebratory event for both families and friends and try for a reconciliation (thank you Nankate for a similar suggestion).

Thank you again for all the suggestions which I will pass on to her. 🌺✅

M0nica Thu 06-Sep-18 16:39:56

Your friend (and her family) are singularly obtuse, to put it politely.

They have cut the daughter and her family out of their lives because they do not like her long term partner, father of their three GC/cousins/nephews/nieces, Then when she marries they expect an invitation to the wedding and are upset and angry because they do not get one.

All I can say is if my mother and family had behaved as she and her family have behaved, I certainly would not have invited her or them to my wedding. Apart from anything else, I would want the day to be a day of untrammeled happiness and to have my family present, rancorous and critical, which they surely would have been, That would have been guaranteed to ruin any happy occasion.

I am glad to hear that your friend's daughter dealt with the situation so sensibly. It is now up to your friend to find away of backing down, swallowing her pride, apologising for her behaviour and try to rebuild the relationship. It will not be possible to do it overnight and it may take years