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Friend not invited to her daughters wedding

(80 Posts)
FlorenceFlower Thu 06-Sep-18 11:49:01

Not sure if this is AIBU or not but a friend is extremely upset that her daughter got married at the weekend and just sent her mother, my friend, a text to let her know.

The daughter has a long term live in boyfriend and three children under 7. For whatever reason, my friend hasn’t told me exactly why, but she doesn’t like her SiL and has never allowed him into her house, although she does love and look after all three grandchildren, including overnight stays.

Her daughter apparently had a church wedding and a lovely reception, but none of her relations were invited. As far as I know, her relations have not invited the young man into their weddings or events either.

To say that this has caused upset in my friends family is an understatement!

notanan2 Thu 06-Sep-18 16:55:49

But why would you invite people to witness a union that they dont approve of.

A wedding is about TWO people.

It wasnt just her daughter's wedding, it was the wedding of her daughter AND son in law. You cant bless half a union!

MissAdventure Thu 06-Sep-18 16:59:17

If she is worried about criminal activity in son in laws family, it would make sense (to me) to get to knowhim, so she is reassured that he's a decent man, particularly around her grandchildren.

sarahcyn Thu 06-Sep-18 17:16:08

First reading of your post made me think the friend was perhaps mainly upset because this has made her realise at last what a rift she has herself caused by refusing to accept the SIL.
It cannot have been an easy decision for the couple to make, and this was a church wedding so there was lots of opportunity for thought and preparation. So they must have felt very strongly that having relatives there who had made their objection to the relationship very clear would sour the day.
It should make the non-invitees take a long hard look at themselves - but they won't, they will just get all huffy and offended, as people do.

Bluegal Thu 06-Sep-18 18:04:14

FlorenceFlower your follow up post doesn't seem to make things sound any better t.b.h. IF your friend is worried enough about whatever it is, to never allow her SIL over her doorstep and according to you the rest of your family have shunned him also (presumably for same reason) then I would absolutely want to get to know him, not just listen to some tales about his family. He is after all rearing her grandchildren.

Whether the accusations are correct or not surely it makes sense not to tag him with 'the sins of his father' without giving him a chance?

You asked what your friend should do - my opinion is she should eat humble pie, apologise, congratulate them and ask if they could all start again with a clean slate. May take time but up to her to make the first move.

Ooops Monica - almost same post - only just read yours now.

Granarchist Thu 06-Sep-18 18:24:27

you cannot object to a wedding unless there is a legal reason - ie one of the couples is already married.

Bluegal Thu 06-Sep-18 18:42:12

Granarchist I think it was said in jest smile

Jalima1108 Thu 06-Sep-18 18:44:11

you cannot object to a wedding unless there is a legal reason - ie one of the couples is already married.
Oh! I have been longing to be attending nuptials when it actually happened.

So 'I hate my prospective son-in-law' isn't a good enough reason then?

Tartlet Thu 06-Sep-18 19:41:36

I think the daughter acted very wisely.

I think I would now try to understand and accept the reasons for being excluded and, if at all possible, just carry on regardless in order to protect the mother/daughter/grandchildren relationship. I have to say that I think refusing to at least try to get on with the son in law is foolish and likely to cause nothing but harm. It certainly doesn’t look as though he’s likely to be vanishing from the scene any time soon.

Melanieeastanglia Thu 06-Sep-18 22:09:40

I suppose her daughter didn't invite her because she won't have him in her house.

Frankly, I am not that surprised her daughter didn't invite her.

I admit I don't know why she dislikes her SIL - she may have a good reason.

Ideally, I think her daughter could perhaps have mentioned that she was definitely getting married and that she would invite her mother as long as she "played nicely".

What would your friend's reaction have been? Would she have changed her ways?

Nezumi65 Fri 07-Sep-18 07:15:15

Well it’s fair enough if she won’t have him in the house.

If the criminal activity is related to his family and not directly to him that’s very unfair. If he’s a reformed criminal that’s pretty unfair as well. Would need to know more about the nature of the crimes & who committed them to understand why it worries her so much.

Kathcan1 Fri 07-Sep-18 07:24:41

This makes me so sad, I hope your friend finds some peace of mind, because she can’t undo what has been done. It’s a heartbreaking situation that should not be allowed to escalate. She needs to get it off her chest, tell her daughter how upset she is, make it clear she doesn’t want to be excluded in the future and that she will accept her new son in law for her family’s sake. You only have one family, make it a happy one for all concerned.

nokkie Fri 07-Sep-18 07:30:22

My only daughter has a partner that I am not particularly fond off but no way would I let my feelings be known, or I would lose my daughter. So my dislike is in my head I can think what I like but no way will I let it show on my face. Your friend needs to start mending bridges or she will eventually be isolated from her grandchildren. Perhaps as her friend you could explain some of the excellent comments people have made.

Madmartha Fri 07-Sep-18 07:44:38

Not all SILs by any means are men we would choose for our DDs but in most cases we accept their choice in order to maintain links with DGCs and DD. However some men are real wasters, drug/alcohol abusers, liars, nasty individuals, the list is endless and often they attract women with lower self esteem. DD’s first husband and later her new partner were welcomed into our home initially although against our better judgement, but subsequent behaviours meant neither were ever allowed into our house again. We supported our DD and DGCs throughout both periods, so it is definitely not unusual to refuse some SILs entry to your home.

Yellowmellow Fri 07-Sep-18 08:01:02

We don't always agree on our children's choices, but unless our children are very young e.g. under 20 ?? we have to accept their choices, BUT always let them know we are always there for them (in case we have to pick up the pieces). If we don;t accept our children's partner's, the only people we hurt is ourselves (and our grandchildren).
All too late if the wedding has been and gone, but maybe your daughter didn't want an atmosphere at the wedding?

PECS Fri 07-Sep-18 08:14:07

Your friend has to decide what she wants long term
a) a warm & happy relationship with dgc or
b) an estranged and unhappy time

I do not particularly like my DD2s partner (and now neither does she very much!) but for the sake of my DGDs I am polite and friendly. I would not exclude him from family events because that is hurtful to the girls who, despite all sorts, love their dad.
I would send a card/ text wishing them well together and a small gift addressed to both of them to start building a bridge and hope it is not too late.

GabriellaG Fri 07-Sep-18 08:17:16

They might be different religions and possibly her (the bride's) family would look down/didn't agree on her marrying 'outside' her religion especially marrying in a church.
Just one possibility.confused

GabriellaG Fri 07-Sep-18 08:31:38

The fact that her mother might raise an objection to the marriage, in church, is silly.
It is said in case either party is known to be already married, is under duress or a prisoner on the run, not because of some supposed 'family criminal activity'.
I assume that the groom was not in handcuffs so all the rest is speculation.

pinkjj27 Fri 07-Sep-18 08:33:05

I am rushing to work so quick reply . Whatever your friend did or didn’t do, the pain she will feel will go very deeply. My daughter didn’t invited me to her wedding . In my case this was because I wasn’t able to contribute as much as she wanted me to . I was just cut out, that was 7 years ago and I still cry when I see pictures of my tiny grandkids as bridesmaids. I don’t think there is much she can do. I wrote to my daughter to say how hurt I was then I moved on. My husband ( her step dad) died 4 years after her wedding and she now regrets that he wasn’t there. I can’t judge her but I do know she will be hurting like hell and will need a good friend.

Purplepoppies Fri 07-Sep-18 08:36:02

I have a deep dislike of my daughter's partner. I really tried hard to get along with him , especially when my new grandchild arrived (their only child together). But he very quickly reverted to his despicable behaviour, he's a nasty little man, to my daughter. He's a bully in every sense of the word. I CANNOT continue being nice. I won't have him in my home & I won't visit her if he's there. She completely understands this. I will never give up or make her choose, that's not my place, she's my daughter and I love her, but I couldn't stand in a church & watch her marry him if it ever came to it.
If your friend and her family dislike this man so much (for reasons that are unclear) why would they want to celebrate a marriage???
If he hasn't actually done anything and it's only that his family MAY have a criminal element then your friend and her family are judgemental and deserved not to be invited.
I wonder what they would be doing in my shoes? Where I know he's assaulted my dd, smashed her house up, keeps her skint, takes class A drugs, calls her names????
She is very lucky she's seeing her grandchildren.

ReadyMeals Fri 07-Sep-18 08:40:27

This question really didn't need asking :D

endre123 Fri 07-Sep-18 08:42:34

If so many of the family were not there it could be a behaviour of the SIL? Some men disrespect women (MEtoo behaviour ) and this does cause families to pull apart. If it's true it looks like the daughter is turning a blind eye to what he does but other women are not prepared to be traumatised by the behaviour. I know someone who is married and has children someone like that, highly qualified but changes jobs nearly every year because (esp older) women start complaining about him. Any older woman including his mother and sisters have been victims. If people start trusting him after years he does it again and even in public, at weddings, Christenings and funerals.

endre123 Fri 07-Sep-18 08:49:12

After three children which she clearly sees it does look like the SIL has a problem. The grand children are not being punished for what he does. Some wives will put up with a lot of bad and even illegal behaviour by their partners but they shouldn't expect anyone else to tolerate it. And these things usually happen at family events. We don't know if this man is known to the police. If this is right then it's sad that this man cannot be trusted to keep his hands to himself for one special day.

Madgran77 Fri 07-Sep-18 08:50:01

I think your friend has to take responsibility for this situation! If she doesn't she will lose both her daughter and her grandchildren I suspect!

mabon1 Fri 07-Sep-18 09:11:25

I don't care for one of my daughters in law but treat her exactly the same as the other two and have accepted her into our family. Do the decent, honourable thing.

sarahellenwhitney Fri 07-Sep-18 09:35:16

Florence flower.
Tit for tat ?petty minded? but it was the daughters day and understandable that she did not wish for any unpleasantness .What has occurred making your friend dislike SIL? It is not the lack of a wedding invitation I would be 'miffed' over but what effect this dislike of SIL will have on the GC.? Questions will over time undoubtedly arise.It will not come unnoticed, as her GC get older, of the dislike your friend has for their father. They will not always be under 7. Forget the wedding that is water under the bridge. She needs to rebuild the bridge before it collapses completely as I fear worse is to come.