Granddaughter ‘s Wedding

20 is still very young and she sounds quite immature so I’d leave it for now and wait for her to grow up a bit more. I’m sure in time, she’ll realise what a great parent her mum was to her when she was young, especially, if she has children of her own. However, it might take a few years for that to happen so I’d play it cool with her for now and keep low contact.

This sounds such hurtful, spiteful behaviour and it is easy to see why you feel so unhappy. However, as many have said, she is just twenty and may well not realise quite how much she has hurt her true family. Craicon has really said just what I think too. It is surprising how a young person can wake up to reality when they really do start to mature and look outside of themselves; stay calm and kind towards her and if you can avoid saying anything about hurt and feelings now it might serve everyone well in the future.

I have decided to walk away . Thinking back over the last year or so the only time we saw her was when she wanted something so I don’t think I will miss her
I agree that there is no point in trying to get her to understand how she has hurt all of us . I think that she will only regret her actions when she comes to any of us for something and gets told no .
Thank you all for letting me vent . I have tried to keep things calm here but sometimes it gets me so frustrated that I feel like phoning her and screaming at her ?

Personally I think I would do just that Blossomsmum. Walk away, give her time.

Her actions are hurtful am sure and am not minimising this but I also know that there may be underlying issues that are yet to be sorted. Not looking for affirmation but maybe she was aware of how much your family resented her father (even though you facilitated access)?. Perhaps father's family have sown other seeds in her head? Maybe she felt totally torn? You know the saying "you always hurt the ones you love"? Not sure why this is so.......but like others I do think your GD will eventually realise what she has lost. If she doesn't well then you are well on your way to enjoying your life without her in it.

It IS sad when you do so much for a child and they turn their backs but children do not actually owe us anything do they? We do our best and that is all we can do.

If you now know of the alleged abuse, did you not know about it when your daughter was dating her ex husband?

You are obviously all very hurt and it is a bitter pill to swallow when you have done so much. However, I don't think there is anything to be gained by her having to effectively choose either of her parents which she has to if you want her to see her father as you perceive him. As hard as it is, it is sometimes better to keep quiet and let her come to her own conclusions in her own time. If anything, she is more likely to think he is more wonderful every time you remind her of his failings.
Twenty is so young and they are so sure they know it all. The average brain doesn't mature until you are aged 22-23 and the empathy area is apparently one of the last things to get there so it may not be in your GD's remit to see things in the same way as you. Add in a dose of dysfunctional family to the mix which may delay emotional maturity and it isn't likely that your GD will be empathetic to her mother's feelings. Say little whilst she is trying to find her place in the world which in the long run probably won't be where she is now and hopefully you will get the relationship back with her. Don't choose between your GD and DD, you have room enough for both of them. The only way you will ever have any influence to help your GD become a better person is by being there for her. That doesn't mean you don't have to be there for her Mum.

Totally agree just to leave it lie OP - and I rather suspect you'll be asked to help when this wonderful wedding leads nowhere. She's clearly been looking for male approval from her dad and now her new husband - or so I suspect - but marriage at 20 isn't going to be a walk in the park. You've done your bit in a big way, so just wait for her to contact you, don't express your anger and be enthusiastic about whatever she does. The same goes for your DD. Better to keep lines of communication open, however disappointed and understandably hurt you both feel.