Gransnet forums


Fear for Daughters Labour

(29 Posts)
basslady Tue 25-Sep-18 17:43:29

Im pretty sure I am being unreasonable but I keep getting the terrible “what ifs” about my daughters upcoming labour / birth of her first DD next week. I keep up a relaxed, cheerful encouraging demeanor but I am quaking inside quite oftetn. I have 4 DGD’s from my sons and ofcourse I was concerned my D’sIL had positive births, but this one is mega scary as its my DD and baby

Any suggestions that I could try to keep busy when she goes into Labour ? If she wants help I’ll be great but if she and partner are happy alone ( at hosp ) I think im going be demented until I know they are both ok. Im normally a really sensible person but this has taken me by surprise. Was anyone else the same ?

ninathenana Tue 25-Sep-18 17:56:07

I was fine until I had the call that she was having an emergency section. She was living overseas at the time and I had no idea of how they did things or if indeed the hospital was any good !
It helped not to know exact timings etc.

gillybob Tue 25-Sep-18 18:01:35

I know what you mean basslady I would have quite happily swapped places with my 33 year old DD during her very difficult labour 5 months ago . I was very privileged to be asked to be there at the birth of her much longed for daughter ( she was told she wouldn’t have children) and Whilst I remember thinking she couldn’t go on much longer I still felt better being there with her .

My DDiL on the other hand just seemed to pop her 3 out like peas (very quick and easy births) although maybe her own mum didn’t see it like that .

I’m sure your DD will be fine, just like mine is . I think it’s the feelings of helplessness and of course your unconditional love for your DD makes you feel the way you do . Just try to relax and think positively for your DD , even if on the inside you are passed yourself with worry .

Maggiemaybe Tue 25-Sep-18 18:07:27

It’s hard, isn’t it, basslady? Fortunately my DD’s deliveries were fairly speedy and straightforward, but it was an anxious time nonetheless.

Could you bear to tell your daughter and her partner that unless they need your help, you’d rather only hear from them once it’s all over? I must admit I couldn’t have done that myself, but if as you say you’re going to be driving yourself mad with worry, it might be an option?

Ilovecheese Tue 25-Sep-18 18:09:25

If you don't know that she will want you with her, then I would not ask to be told when labour starts.
Having been through this scenario several times now, the best ones were just being phoned to be told "you have a new grandchild."

ninathenana is right, not knowing timings definitely helps.

Elrel Tue 25-Sep-18 18:36:04

When DD had an emergency Caesarian at 30 weeks I knew nothing until the next morning. Her DH, after a difficult night for them both, phoned me in the morning. I know he did the right thing.
All families are different but we should be prepared to fit in with what the parents want even if their wishes don't coincide with ours.

Luckygirl Tue 25-Sep-18 18:38:43

Oh how I feel for you - I have several DDs and their births were anything but easy, all 7 babes born from back-toback labours and one with full-blown pre-eclampsia which the midwife refused to recognise - she said she thought the BP machine was out of order (!) while my dear lass was lying there with arms and legs like massive sausages and covered in a rash - silly bloody woman!!!

OK - horror stories over!! All 7 babes were just fine and all of the DDs too - I really think I would have coped better if I simply had had no idea what was going on and just received "the call."

I do know how hard it is when it is your own DD and I do not think you are being silly. Just think ahead to that happy moment when you will be cuddling that new little one. Keep us posted!

agnurse Tue 25-Sep-18 19:18:12

I would second asking not to be told unless they need you.

Unless they've asked you to come to hospital, don't just "rush in" as soon as you hear the baby is born. They may want some time to themselves.

It may be helpful to have some sort of "labour project". If you're crafty you could knit, crochet, or sew something for the new baby, for example. My aunt had her mother present during labour. Her mum loves to quilt and had brought in a quilt to work on. My cousin was born so fast my aunt's mum didn't have time to leave the room. The quilt she was working on now hangs on my aunt and uncle's wall and my aunt can point out the square her mum was making when my cousin was born!

Izabella Tue 25-Sep-18 19:25:34

Only worry about the things you can change. To do otherwise is stressful and emotionally draining and achieves little.

paddyann Tue 25-Sep-18 22:53:32

tell them to call you when its over.My late mum was a worrier ,my dads mantra was "dont worry your mother",so we never told her when I was in labour.

Feelingmyage55 Wed 26-Sep-18 09:57:19

Do you knit. There are very simple garter stitch patterns. Trying to finish and sew up the garment for a deadline could keep your hands busy and stop you pacing. Or garden. Or bake. Otherwise your worry reflects the depth of your love for her and that is a lovely thing.?

Witzend Wed 26-Sep-18 10:12:16

Sympathies, OP! I think you're almost bound to worry, at least if you're anything like me. I knew I'd be in such a tizz with dd's first, I asked not to know until it was all over. And just as well, since she did have a hard time, but her dh was there throughout. After all, there would have been nothing I could do (except worry!) anyway.

Because the first had not been easy, I was in a serious tizz when she went into labour with no. 2 only 15 months later - couldn't avoid knowing since we were there after looking after no. 1 for the day. Thank goodness that one was very quick and easy - she only just made it to the hospital.
I do hope your worries will be needless.

Nannarose Wed 26-Sep-18 10:46:02

I think it very sensible and sensitive to recognise that you need to contain your own worry and leave your daughter to manage her labour and support as she wishes.
I think the suggestion about knitting (or of course, crochet) a very good one. Another is to go out for a good walk with a good friend who will understand both your anxiety and your need to manage it.

I can tell you the 'other point of view' if you would find it helpful. We had told our son that we really didn't need to know the details of labour etc., not even to tell us that DDiL was in labour - only to do what was helpful for them. What we did was take 'venting' phone calls from him as he tried to manage his MiL, who was anxious & distressed. This 'other granny' is a lovely kind woman who did not mean to add to the anxiety, but once she knew her daughter was in labour, couldn't help turning up at the hospital, demanding to be kept informed, questioning everything etc. Afterwards she recognised that she had been unhelpful, so second time around asked not to be informed (unless needed for childcare, in which case she would be occupied!). It actually worked extremely well as child went to nursery as usual when DDiL was in early labour, and by the time her mum was needed to collect from nursery, she had just given birth.
I do hope all goes well for you all.

DIL17 Wed 26-Sep-18 10:52:11

I think a good solution would be for them to do what we did and not tell anyone I was even in labour! We just told them that DD had arrived safely and we were all well. That way you're not sat at home thinking "oh it's be hours" or "it's taking too long"

basslady Wed 26-Sep-18 19:19:06

Thank you all for the good advice. I will start some crochet or knitting and go for a walk if I know or just keep praying and thinking positive thoughts until I get “the call ! “ Have been batch cooking today so I can give them some good food for when they come home. I might even try a cake ? but Im not a good baker.

agnurse Wed 26-Sep-18 20:27:29

Batch cooking is a wonderful gift for new parents.

Depending on what's available and what you know they like, you might see about getting a cake mix and making that up. Or, you could purchase a cake. You might think about getting a "0" number candle and asking if they would like you to put it on the cake to celebrate the new baby. (Just make sure you ask about the candle first - some parents like to do this themselves.)

poppymoore Fri 05-Oct-18 16:18:46

I just wanted to say to basslady that it is really thoughtful and considerate of you to think about this in advance., I have given birth twice in the last two years and both times I preferred not to have the stress of worrying about constantly updating close family, particularly after the birth when I was finding recovery difficult and it was emotionally draining having to call round various family members and tell the whole sorry tale over and over. I would just stress to your daughter that you want to be there for her when she needs you, but you also don't want to push any extra stress onto her by needing constant updates etc. The ideas people have given to distract you would be a lovely and welcome touch, I'm sure. I found cross stitch a great distraction and quite easy to produce something nice quickly. I wish you and your daughter all the best.

fillygumbo Fri 05-Oct-18 19:06:30

My dgs was born on the last possible day as nearly 3 weeks overdue by the time he was born I would have been relieved if she had given birth to a puppy!
It`s extremely likely that all will be well good luck.

sazz1 Mon 08-Oct-18 20:16:26

Just say ring me if you want when you go in. Then it's up to her but my DIL was 2 days starting and stopping even went out for McDonald's half way through lol

PECS Mon 08-Oct-18 21:30:05

My DD2 asked me to be with her during her labour in hospital withmy first DGC so was with her all the way including driving her to hospital as her partner had left for work and was stuck on the M25!
With her 2nd baby, who was early, I was in hospital and knew nothing at all until my DH came at visiting time to tell me!

DD1 just wanted her DH with her for a home birth.

DD1 said she would let me know when the midwives arrived and that her DH would call when she was ready for us to pop in to say hello! We got the call to say come round and say hello to a new grandson about 2 hours after he had been born. Same with her second son.

I guess I just did not worry other than checking my watch every so often. Maybe because I hade been with DD2 through her (protracted) labour I worried less.

I think the ideas for keeping your mind busy are helpful though!

stella1949 Mon 08-Oct-18 21:38:58

I was with my DD when she had her DD - one of the magic moments of my life. I was happier being there, than I would have been in the waiting room - knowing what was happening was very comforting. Best wishes to you and your family !

Grandma2213 Tue 09-Oct-18 02:46:02

I think there are some very good ideas on here for occupying your mind and for letting you know when it is all over. I was at the hospital immediately after the births of my two oldest DGC at the request of my DS's which was quite magical. After that I have been caring for siblings while Mums gave birth, then visited as soon as was convenient. My oldest DS and partner are expecting DGC number 6 in March and strangely enough I am more worried about them than I have been with the others, maybe because they are older. Perhaps this time I will request to be informed when it is over!! What will be will be but a new life is so exciting!!

BlueBelle Tue 09-Oct-18 06:19:46

All seven of my grandkids were born overseas in various countries so it was a matter of just waiting for a phone call ?

Mabel2 Tue 09-Oct-18 14:39:51

My dd will be induced. I have very little to do with anything during this pregnancy as her husband's mother has taken over. She has been present at pretty much all the scans and other hospital appointments, will be looking after my dgd during the event and will be first to see the new arrivals. This woman always has to come first, is very competitive with regard to my dgd and has attempted to take over everything. She even told my dd that she was insulted that she hadn't been present when she picked out her wedding dress and that all my dd had needed was my credit card!

Mycatisahacker Sun 14-Oct-18 20:47:52

I have 5 grown up kids. Oldest 3 lads married and I have 2 grandchildren. I get on with my dils and love them to bits but the thought of my own 2 dds going through labour is different.

I get you op.