Gransnet forums


A bit thoughtless ?

(44 Posts)
Lucca Fri 19-Oct-18 18:22:30

I was feeling very low this morning....missing one AC who lives thousands of miles away with GC. I have another who lives two hours away and I do see that family maybe be once or twice a month...I am struggling a bit with retirement issues and don’t have a fantastic social life (it’s not terrible though)and then I read a thread about how g netters are insanely busy with grandchild care ec and there aren’t enough hours in the day etc etc. I often come across this (slightly smug?)attitude in book club etc and wish people would spare a thought for those who give their eye teeth to be so involved with things

cornergran Fri 19-Oct-18 18:58:47

I do understand Lucca. it can be very hard to hear. Our own involvement is sparodic, seems feast or famine. Contact isn’t regular, partly because of distance. I guess we all focus on our own reality and don’t always consider the impact on others. flowers.

Telly Fri 19-Oct-18 19:12:11

Lucca, I would not believe all you hear. Many families may look perfect from the outside looking in. For as many grandparents who are actively involved the other half feel they are being taken for granted! My GC are all growing up now and I have not seen them for weeks and they only live 20 mins away. Make the most of your family and don't worry about other people!

Izabella Fri 19-Oct-18 19:20:13

Not to mention the army of grandparents looking frazzled during the week from the responsibility of gc in the park and out and about. It ain't all a bed of roses - and we rarely see ours anyhow. I agree many posts come across as smug, but I really do not think it is intentional.

seacliff Fri 19-Oct-18 19:27:18

I have no grandchildren yet, and my family are all spread out similar distances to yours Lucca.

I had that same fleeting thought this morning, when I read that thread. Those people who are so busy, involved and needed are very lucky. I am a tiny bit envious of some of my friends who help and have fun with g/c, but it's just how life plays out.

There is always someone worse off than me. I just try and enjoy myself as much as possible.

BlueBelle Fri 19-Oct-18 19:28:34

What Telly said is so true I m going to give you an example Lucca I have an acquaintance who has the most lovely family photo on FB her, husband five children all looking smart, smiling, loving Lots of postive comments ‘what a lovely family’ ‘All looking beautiful’ etc etc but I know the back story Father and mother both professionals but alcoholics mother recently out of rehab (again) children brought (dragged) themselves up, at least one child has seriously tried to kill themselves and at least one has a serious drink problem themselves
For every ‘wonderful’ family there is one far worse of than us Most of us are jogging on in the middle it’s like those ladies who can’t conceive, every body they see or meet is pushing a pram
Try and get it in perspective and enjoy what times you do get with your family

Grannyben Fri 19-Oct-18 19:28:52

I am one of those grandparents who are insanely busy with caring for my dgc and, whilst i am overjoyed to play such a big part in their lives, I am absolutely knackered, utterly exhausted. I would love a couple of days each week to catch up but my daughter needs my help. Oh I'm so tired though

henetha Fri 19-Oct-18 19:41:14

I understand how you feel Lucca. My youngest grandchild is now 16 so I'm not really needed any more, although I still take them out occasionally. It's easy to feel a bit left on the shelf; I sometimes do.
I hope you manage to build up your social life as bit. But that can be tricky, can't it.
I don't think people mean to come across as smug, and very often there are issues, in-law problems, etc, even when it seems to the onlooker that it's a bed of roses.
And sheer exhaustion of course, as Grannyben said.
Good luck to you.

Luckygirl Fri 19-Oct-18 19:51:50

Every stage and aspect of life has its ups and downs. Some grans will be missing caring for GC; some will be worn down by just the same job that others envy them for.

I can see nothing thoughtless in the posts from tired overloaded grans; one might just as well say that grans who wish they were looking after GC are thoughtless.

Jalima1108 Fri 19-Oct-18 20:05:08

I don't think they are being smug, sorry.
Some don't see their DGC at all, sadly, and may be envious that you have family not that far away - and/or only one DC who lives thousands of miles away.

Do you have other groups near you that you could join Lucca, such as WI, TG or U3A? Or could you volunteer in a charity shop to use your expertise now you're retired? Sometimes it's difficult to adjust to retirement.

I hope you can manage to visit your overseas family too.

M0nica Fri 19-Oct-18 21:00:47

My DGC live 200 miles away. Yes, we see them regularly. Every school holiday and most half terms, but if I am very busy - and I am - it is because I have interests and hobbies that keep me busy. Interests and hobbies, I mostly had before I retired, but didn't have time to do much. Not all of them are social hobbies.

If a busy social life is constantly out with friends, coffee mornings etc, then I do not have much of a social life and do not particularly want one. I prefer to see people on a one to one basis and we do have friends that we see like that, but many of them are not local so I only see them several times a year.

Riverwalk Fri 19-Oct-18 21:30:21

I don't know what's 'thoughtless' about members posting about their busy day looking after grandchildren hmm

And I speak as someone who only sees her GC on high days and holidays smile

ginny Fri 19-Oct-18 21:49:24

Maybe we shouldn’t post about being happy in case someone is happier. Not post about being sad in case someone is sadder.
You often find those with the biggest smiles are those with the worst problems.
Most people have times when we they wonder why the world is still turning when they have sadness to deal with.

ginny Fri 19-Oct-18 22:15:14

Sorry posted too soon.
I sympathise with the OP and hope she is able to look at things more positively soon.
I’m sure people are not being thoughtless, it would be a sad world if we could not share joy with others.

MawBroon Fri 19-Oct-18 22:16:02

While I sympathise with your situation Lucca spare a thought for those of us who have lost our DHs especially recently and have to cope perfectly well with threads about “husband training” hmm

cornergran Fri 19-Oct-18 22:30:22

Oh maw, even supposedly light hearted threads can cause pain for others. I’m not sure it’s possible to avoid it in this type of forum although I would hope it would be accidental. I often worry a comment of mine may have caused an intentional hurt. Not sure how these things can be totally can be avoided but it’s hard for those experiencing a painful reaction.

annep Fri 19-Oct-18 22:44:58

They aren't being thoughtless. They're just posting about their lives. I get quite envious sometimes, but tbh I could not cope with helping as much as some GPs do so maybe its just as well I dont live close. I like my own life too.
I resigned myself a long time ago to not seeing them much. As Seacliff said its just life. But you have to adapt and make the most of what you have. I have a lovely husband friends, sisters and my art class and whats not to be happy about!😊

MawBroon Fri 19-Oct-18 23:01:43

My point is that no threads are designed to be thoughtless or unkind to others!
If Lucca feeels in a minority, surely a quick trawl through the “estranged” threads should reassure her she is not alone?
I am not offended by moans about DH’s -far from it, a few years ago I could have wtitten them smile

paddyann Fri 19-Oct-18 23:19:10

I'm one who cares for GC a lot.Sadly my daughter is bedbound much of the time and I help with washing and ironing,housework and childcare .I have my other GD at least two days and nights a week.I'm not smug ,I'm juggling things so that everyone gets the help they need when they need it.I still work part time and have a home to run and a husband who needs me around .I cant remember the last time I had a day out with a friend so dont think its all sunshine and roses .I love my family to the moon and back so I do whats needed .

Grammaretto Fri 19-Oct-18 23:21:39

Oh dear. As one who started the busy thread earlier I can assure you it was not intended to provoke envy.
Far from it. I just have not enough time to do the things I'd like to do and hoped that some others would tell me how they organise their time now they have retired.

Momof3 Fri 19-Oct-18 23:24:57

Why does your daughter need so much help that you are shattered!!

Momof3 Fri 19-Oct-18 23:28:56

I apologise if it is down to illness or being a single parent, i’m just being nosy as we have 2 children with no childcare or family support (only remaining grandparent not interested)

Jalima1108 Fri 19-Oct-18 23:40:29

Everyone's circumstances will be different and whilst we should be mindful about posting something which could upset someone who is going through difficulties we can't always know each other's circumstances.

annep Fri 19-Oct-18 23:46:52

It must be heartbreaking Paddyann to watch your darling daughter like that. And what else would you do only everything possible to help. I'm not being nosy and I don't want an answer but I hope you are getting any help you are entitled to. I do hope you manage some time for yourself, even a little.

Witzend Sat 20-Oct-18 03:12:40

Must say that most of the GPs I know who do a lot of child care find it utterly exhausting, no matter how much they love their Gdcs. Especially those older GPs - it's a rather different thing when you're pushing 70 to when you're 50.

And those I know who do a lot, do it because any other child care is prohibitively expensive, and both parents need to work to pay the mortgage.