Gransnet forums


Are they being deliberately unfriendly?

(34 Posts)
starbox Wed 14-Nov-18 17:52:43

My brother & his wife are dog mad and host a monthly meet of their favourite breed in a local field. I only have cats, but they've always been eager to discuss their club and even joined me to its Facebook page. So last month, hubby, (well-behaved, dog-adoring) 4 yr old granddaughter & I went over there. Had a very pleasant time, spoke to the members, granddaughter behaved impeccably. So when they posted another meeting, I suggested we go again. Got speedy message back saying they dont want friends & family going. So just messaged back 'no probs, have fun' but feel so upset at rudeness. I couldnt IMAGINE telling close relatives they werent allowed to a club I'd purposely advertised to them! AIBU ??

merlotgran Wed 14-Nov-18 18:05:31

It sounds like they are the ones being unreasonable but I would ask for a reason. Maybe the facilities don't cater for too many people and they have to give priority to members only?

I wouldn't get upset about it. It's probably not worth worrying about.

Grannyben Wed 14-Nov-18 18:05:51

I think I would unjoin myself from their Facebook page. Perhaps they just want you to know they are the centre of attention with their little group. Leave them to it.

Baggs Wed 14-Nov-18 18:09:59

Were they being deliberately friendly before? Or are they generally casual?

You stress how good your four year old granddaughter was. Is it possible that they disagree with your assessment on that?

Baggs Wed 14-Nov-18 18:10:39

Sorry. A lot of questions. It's just a rather weird story.

starbox Wed 14-Nov-18 18:17:45

No, theyre perfectly pleasant about it. And granddaughter really was good (and I'm not a doting grandma whose kids can do no wrong!) There's no facilities (a gazebo in a field). I think we'll just keep our distance!

Baggs Wed 14-Nov-18 18:22:19

I think that's wise, starbox. It sounds like one of those situations where you're just baffled. So shrug and move on. ?

BlueBelle Wed 14-Nov-18 19:03:01

I would imagine someone within the group complained and put them in a difficult situation Someone probably said well if we all brought family and friends blah blah blah

Melanieeastanglia Wed 14-Nov-18 19:04:08

It does seem very odd. Perhaps it is members only and they only added you to the Facebook page because they thought you'd be passively interested.

Jalima1108 Wed 14-Nov-18 19:28:24

It does not seem very kind. I do dislike people who are 'cliquey'.

If you ever go again, take your cats. Most self-respecting cats can smack a dog on the nose and show who is 'top cat' in the hierachy.

starbox Wed 14-Nov-18 19:49:39

Many thanks for your thoughts xx

Eloethan Wed 14-Nov-18 20:34:51

I suppose as they hadn't expressly welcomed your attendance, it could be that, as Bluebelle said, other members objected to you going.

It does seem unkind and rather rude but I think I would just let them get on with it.

Apricity Wed 14-Nov-18 22:32:50

Maybe you were all too lovely and charming and they see you as competition in "their" club?

notanan2 Wed 14-Nov-18 22:47:58

I had to do a similar thing with a baby group I ran.

We allowed older siblings in the half term, but they ended up inviting friends (who weren't big siblings of babies who were part if the group) and regulars stopped going because it wasnt a "baby group" any more and well nobody really wanted to exchange tips on cracked nipples on front of a bunch of pre teens.

We had to bring it STRICTLY back to people who were attending for the topic of the group only.

Its a dog owners meet up, if random other people go it turns into something else.

starbox Wed 14-Nov-18 22:54:32

Yes, thanks for tht, notanan, maybe I shouldnt have taken umbrage.

FarNorth Thu 15-Nov-18 00:51:56

Did your relatives say that they, personally, didn't want you going? Or that the club didn't want that?
Could it be they didn't realise you wouldn't be welcome until someone else enlightened them? And they've responded a bit abruptly to you, out of embarrassment?

LullyDully Thu 15-Nov-18 08:09:38

Never heard of a club like this. Is it called dogging?

PamelaJ1 Thu 15-Nov-18 08:26:38


starbox Thu 15-Nov-18 09:54:37

I don't think it's the club (a few people sat under a gazebo in a football field that's open to public anyway.) We were perfectly friendly & discussed dogs enthusiastically with the dozen or so folk there (who I very much doubt would approach brother & wife - who organise whole thing- and tell them not to dare let us in!) We took photos of some of the dogs (not the people!) & I thought all had a very nice day. Never mind...but does seem weird that you get to this age & alienate your only sibling for no reason at all!

FlorenceFlower Fri 16-Nov-18 19:40:03

Sorry you are upset, but I don’t think that your brother asking you not to go back to the doggy group is due to your brother and sister-in-law being unfriendly. I suspect that, as others have said, that the event really is for dogs and their owners only. Possibly the other dog owners don’t want youngish children there, you really don’t know.

Can you go to see your brother on another day or weekend? It doesn’t sound as though you are really alienated from each other, more of a misunderstanding through possibly over economic texting. Texts can be very abrupt, and can convey a sharper meaning than was intended! ?

Davidhs Fri 16-Nov-18 20:27:50

Don't take offense at this they are concentrating on doggy affairs, sometimes these meetings are very competitive and distractions are not welcome, or maybe they are organisers

stella1949 Sat 17-Nov-18 01:21:39

Were you actually invited on that day ? It sounds as if you just turned up . Maybe that is the problem - you are not doggy people and you just decided to turn up. The club is for dog owners so maybe they just don't want the club being for "anyone and everyone".

janeainsworth Sat 17-Nov-18 03:04:04

Why don't you just ask them?
"All problems exist in the absence of a good conversation".

notnecessarilywiser Sat 17-Nov-18 07:53:16

I'm guessing that one of the dog owners, following your attendance, said "Ooh, I must invite my family to join us next time". Except fellow owners know that this will involve unruly children and even more unruly adults so they avoid that scenario by declaring a ban on non-owners.

Anja Sat 17-Nov-18 07:57:14

That’s quite possible notnecessarilywiser - good thinking.