Family

The bigger the family the more undercurrents ! My lot all seemed so together till OH died , now the snakes are on the loose . Christmas is a minefield this year

BTW the sun is over the yard arm somewhere , pity I am tee total or I would join you xxx

We have a 'mixed' family too, I sympathise.
After much stress I decided my relationship with him came first. He came round to this later. But it's not easy.

Twenty two years sounds like a whole new generation to add to the complications. Anything particular which is causing tension and you feel able to discuss here?

Hildegard you sound so fed up . I hope whatever is troubling you passes before the Christmas festivities- it can be a very trying time . It's not always easy pleasing others, sometimes its best to just please yourself and let others get on with it. Dark clouds always pass over

Thanks for your thoughts, just writing it down helped, and a few glasses of wine x

Oh dear, hildegard, I’m sorry things are so difficult, Christmas can surely bring out the worst in families. Wishing you well, it will pass, sometimes we just have to smile and rise above the tensions. Good luck.

The first time I was taken to meet my prospective in laws, after we had eaten a evening meal, they both smartened themselves up and went out. It wasn’t as though my visit hadn’t been arranged well in advance. We had travelled from 150 miles away from University to tell them we were getting married. I asked my boyfriend , where have they gone ? And he said “ I don’t know” and that was his family. I found out later that his Mother had gone to meet her lover and his Father had gone to the pub. They had put themselves, their arrangements and their feelings first. They had no interest in impressing anyone. They were just themselves.
I wish I had been more like that, as I have spent far too much of my life trying to accommodate others.
What a contrast with my Mother and Father. If they had known that I was bringing a prospective husband home, they would have been up all night scrubbing the house and killing the fatted calf.
I think after 22 years you need to think about yourself Hildegard and be ruthless about others...not mean, but enjoy what time you have left in your own way, Honestly, to hell with anyone else.
Although my DH loves me and his children deeply he has followed in his families footsteps and been entirely congruent and not gone out of his way to accommodate others. He is still well liked and much loved by our children.

Oh dear, I know what you mean. Always thought we were very close large family till one of my BILs died - and then it all fell apart. Prior to that we always used to have a bit meet-up/jolly at least once a year; now it's only weddings and funerals....sad.

Everything changes after one or two family members die !

I thought we had a close family. I was looking forward to having holidays with my two sisters as good friends when I retired. However not to be. They could not support me in helping my mother to enjoy travelling, believing that as she had short term memory loss (to them dementia to me cognitive impairment) she had no need for holidays as she could not tell them about her holiday!! Disagreements, went on with other things so they are now to be visited occasionally.

It's five o'clock somewhere!

Wow.....just like mine.
I've decided to just tell everyone I'm doing a Charitable Christmas......instead of the angst and ingratitude of teenagers presents we've given to a local children's charity. Instead of the mass of Christmas cards benefitting card companies and the post office....we've given to another charity. Instead of all the glitzy wrapping paper.....brown paper and colourful string which can be recycled. After all...the wrapping gets torn off and, generally, thrown away....and it is what is wrapped up that is important. I saw one person had wrapped in white paper and stacked and dressed them like a snowman!
Most of the Christmas family get together since I have been married hubby and I cook and host Christmas Day. Never been invited to the home of one SIL and the other clutters off to her family take her hubby etc. Unfair but now expected.
Thankfully, this year we are with an elder niece, on my side, for the day.
I try to keep focus by saying.....it's just a roast dinner with family. Recently did have a wonderful pre-Christmas lunch etc with a goddaughter and her family.....I'd put together some wonderful, truly personal, thought out gifts.
We will be putting up the decs this weekend and I will do a little more shopping next week....maybe.
I hate that Christmas causes such family issues hen it is supposed to be a peaceful, sharing, caring time of year.
Most of our difficulties are because of our, justly held, expectations.

As a child we had quiet Christmas's - Dad would bring Gran over in time for Christmas dinner and she would always leave by 6pm (he would take her home again). We would only see one Aunt (on Boxing Day) and that was that really - Mum was one of eight but they didn't really get together apart from weddings and funerals. I loved Christmas with my m-i-l and s-i-l and family, but once m-i-l died and then my DH died shortly afterwards that stopped as well. I now live with my DD and GC and we have Christmas Day at home but then go to my niece's for Boxing Day afternoon -great fun, she does a fantastic buffet and we play silly games with my GC and her four GC joining in.

I'm so sorry for anyone whose Christmas is overshadowed by thoughts of family stresses and disagreements. We've been pretty lucky in that regard and are looking forward to it all but it seems as if we are the exception.

I love our Christmases. Me, DH and DS (who lives with us anyway).

When we first got married it was different. The in laws Christmas always revolves around their other son plus his family so is basically what his control freak wife dictates, so basically the in laws fit in with them and we were expected to as well. Then there were the various other get together were summoned to -almost every day between Xmas and new year we were expected to fit in. I did put my foot down so I could see something of my family!!

Even now the in laws always visit their other son and his family - they moved away so it's more understandable, but even so I have put my foot down about basically being told "your slot is 4pm-5pm on the 26th" (OK they don't quite say that but it feels like it).

Christmas logistics here have been such a pain, we have booked to go away next Christmas!

Reading Gransnet sometimes I feel that I am the only person who gets on well with every member of my family. We all chivvy along really well. OK, we have differences of opinion about politics and religion but hey, we never fall out.

I make a point of not falling out with relatives however annoyed I feel. I just ignore them, change the subject, do something else, and get on with life including Christmas.
Life is too short for anger or misery.

What’s that old saying “you can pick your friends but not your family “.......

Two of my DD are not speaking to each other at the moment which upsets me greatly! But they at least send presents for each other’s children and the eldest son of the younger DD is coming to stay for a few days between Christmas and NY so will play with all his cousins and see both aunties. I wish they would settle their argument however I have to accept that these are adult women and they will have to sort it out themselves!

For many years I have 'done my own thing'. I don't visit if I don't want to, but in the main family are welcome to visit. Family no longer have any expectations of me, and I avoid family get togethers like the plague!

I really like to be with just DH & youngest son and we go on a holiday after Boxing Day to the coast.

Perfect!

After reading some of your posts I am glad I haven’t got a large family. My husband was one of ten but after he died we lost contact. They were from the Midlands and never liked me because I come from a different southern background. My husband left home and joined the army in 1938 when he was 19 to get away from them.

My sister and bi l have driven 1 and 1\2 hours to exchange pressies my husband of 36 years has barely spoken to me for the last 6 months just answers me when I ask him a question .We went for a lovely walk and a quick glass of fizz without him,this has been the situation for years no reason he is just odd..any suggestions ?