I've had enough of hosting ungrateful guests.

It might be something to continue doing so as to show your step grandchildren what a good Christmas can be like. The eldest clearly feels loyal to her mum but the youngest enjoys being with you. It would be a shame to leave her to her lazy mum's behaviour.

I think it's worth doing once more and then try to entice the step grandchildren down with games etc. leaving their mum to wallow on her own.

What a brat ! There'd have been a few thinly veiled expletives from me if I'd been there Christmas or not. I don't tolerate laziness very well.

What a cheek, lazy so and so, I think I would have dragged her out of bed and delegated some jobs for her to do, if your partner isnt willing to do this.
Next year no invitation as you will be miles away, I hope.
Happy New Year to you

And I thought I had problems... certainly put my ‘lazy’ g-children into perspective... not so bad after all x

Message deleted by Gransnet. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

How about going away next Christmas? A nice (small) cottage? Or a hotel?

She sounds like a slob and a freeloader to boot. Getting up halfway through the afternoon and then not bothering to get dressed for the occasion?

I wonder what she looks like at work on Dress Down Fridays?

I wondered that Urmston. Surely nobody had anyone like that to put up with.I found it hard to believe.

Don't ask them again, simple.

I think she is disgusting.

I agree with your decision BiteMy, it's no good being treated like a skivvy at Christmas, you should have some appreciation for all the hard work that you have put in.
It would be too awkward to not invite this particular Step daughter next year and still have Christmas at your home and would probably cause a family rift.
If you have the option of being invited to family in the UK, I would definately do that next year.
Shame for the little 9 year old though, perhaps make it up to him another time, by taking him out to some treat which would be age appropriate, only to him.
We had to go abroad for the Christmas holidays every year as we found that we had a constant stream of uninvited guests arriving from my Dh large extended family and people we would only count as acquaintances arriving and staying for hours.
It was quite exhausting and I felt like a skivvy, serving drinks and snacks non -stop.
So it was the Canaries for us, every year.

She won't change until she has to do it herself, preferably for a couple of years, and maybe not even then.
It isn't just the food preparation, its also all the planning, shopping etc. so the least people can do is help on the day itself.
Go on holiday (or just stay home and say that you are not having visitors that day if you can deal with the moans) and relax totally.

I wouldn’t bother to cook for them, just send up a packet of crisps later, and if they come down wondering where their dinner is, just say ‘sorry, I thought you’d gone home’.

00mam00

You will get into trouble with GNHQ is you continue with your Troll hunting Urnstongran.

Me too! Next year DH and I are going off in our campervan. The weekend parents can have all the stress!

You poor soul Bitemy.
I've never had to put up with that situation because all our DC are our own. There were times when they were teenagers when I had to shriek at them to get out of bed in the afternoon but this business of being kind and understanding towards difficult step children must be a fairly common problem these days with so many composite families.
Maybe you could have invited yourself into her bedroom to watch the movie?
Hard to hear but if you behave like a doormat you are likely to be treated like one.
Your DP has a role here. He shouldn't allow his offspring to treat you this way.

I'd say to myself "Thank you for That".

Sounds sarcastic but it's not. I hated it when a trainer I had used to say it. But over the years I have come to realise what she was getting us to understand.

"Thank you for That" .... information about you, about your persistent behaviour, about your go to responses and so on.

Given that you have had this sort of behaviour from your SD before and you don't sound surprised by her actions - angry yes - disappointed by your OH, her dad, to intervene yes. And you already knew his "go to" position - little or no response.

You have and did have all the information you needed to reasonably predict his D's behaviour and it's effect on your Christmas expectations.

So maybe you need to ask yourself "What did I want the family Christmas to be, how did it look in your imagination" ?

Then ask yourself "How Likely was it - knowing what you already did about SD behaviour and OH GoTo response- for you to have a Christmas anything close to your Christmas Expectations?"

Then I think you have to accept that you knew before Christmas that you were never going to get the celebration anything close to what you wished for.

Also if I've read your post correctly your OH offered - wanted to go away- and you didn't. And it's OK that you wanted Your Christmas as you wanted it. But you were you ever going to get that Christmas?

His going away may be his way of "Getting Away From" his D behaviour and his dealing or not dealing with it. That's OK.

It's OK that you missed the cue - that you didn't see the clues - but now you are seeing them clearly. It's down to you what you do from here forwards.

Yes it is bad behaviour. Very bad behaviour, it's giving your SGC very bad messages, the AC is not being an Adult neither is she parenting. It's disrespectful, rude, it's abandoning of the younger child. It's wrong on so many levels.

However, it may be your SD and SGC's "Norms" and if they feel it's their "Parents Home" so even the AC reverts to being a teenager that is what they will do.

However much you didn't like your Christmas experience you can not change them. Your OH can not change them and it's not for you or him to try.

What you can do is ask yourself these questions :

What information did I already have about how they are likely to behave?

What was my Christmas Expectation?

Was I ever going to get anything close to my wish?

And the big one :

What do "I do" differently to make next year closer to how "I want" Christmas to be?

Going away will be an easy fix.

Firstly you won't be there to care for those "kids" of all ages - I'm including the SD the teenage SGD and your OH in the "Kids".

Also it may break the pattern of coming to yours so you can be the Parent/Grown Up and dogsbody to them.

Be angry, I'd be very angry but I would have to say I had enough information about How SD is that I should have taken different actions to look after myself and I didn't do that.

You wanted your OH to step in and be the Parent, the Grown Up and to either Stand Up With you or to Stand Up For You. Not an unreasonable wish but it seems as if the particular magic isn't going to happen for you. I'm sad for you about that.

But "Thank You For That" because now you are very clear about what you will get and what you won't get by way of your special Christmas.

You can not change another person unless they want to change so even if you OH had stood up with or for you it wouldn't have made much difference.

There probably would have been even more disruption/ Drama to upset you.

Do what You need to to take care of You and learn to use the information you have about other peoples behaviours honestly not to set yourself up for a hard time.

Good Luck and I am sad that you had to go through this Christmas for you to realise only those who care deeply for us care enough to work at changing their behaviour.

I hope you care enough about yourself to change your behaviour so you have better times.

Go away to a hotel next year!

There seems little point in her coming, to be perfectly honest. The special food is lovely, and making extra efforts to give people what they like for a gift, and to eat, but the bigger part is catching up, socialising, and having the chance to talk to your loved ones in a relaxed atmosphere. She could plug in her microwave in her bedroom at home and have a pile of takeaways to reheat during the day. A ghastly way to spend Christmas when you do have a family who want to see you, but what's the point of a guest who spends all the time in her room?

What do you mean buffybee? It was just my observation on the (to me) slightly off kilter topic. Am I not allowed to say that?

Wonderful post allsortsofbags.
We can’t change others .... only ourselves.

No your not Urmstongran!
Hence your post being deleted by GNHQ!

Well that was me told. Fair enough. I know now to report direct to HQ! I suppose it makes sense really. Mea culpa.

I am Urmstongran though ..... ?