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AIBU

Son & DIL are making me sad with unfair expectations.

(189 Posts)
Lavazza1st Fri 08-Feb-19 16:16:07

They want me to pay for EVERYTHING!!! I was so excited to become a Granny, so I bought them everything they would need to start their life here. Previously, my son lived in Asia where he worked for 3 years and got his translator pregnant.

He messed up his uni degree to go and be with her. He really wanted to come back to uk so, we said they could stay with us while he found a job, but he's finding it harder than he thought to find one and he's getting really angry / stressed.

The baby only eats white foods and theyre giving him 4 x 90 mls of formula a day. I have told them they need to cut it down to a pint of milk a day and give him nutritious foods. They don't seem to know what they're doing and I think her parents did all the child rearing before. They wanted me to give up my job to care for him while they work and I said no because I can't afford to. They also said (in HER culture) the parents buy the new couple a house and a car and the grandparents buy all the clothes and everything for the baby! I feel cross that they are comparing me negatively to the other Grandparents and can't afford to do what they are asking! Much as I'd love to be a Granny, I can't help thinking they might have been better off staying where they were. AIBU

Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 10:25:50

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GabriellaG54 Sat 09-Feb-19 10:26:00

Is this a joke? Sorry, I just can't take it seriously.
Your son was born and raised to adulthood in the UK so his living in Asia for 3 years can't have dulled his memory of the way life in the UK is lived.
Buying your AC and partner a house and car, all stuff for their child and giving up your job....???
I'd tell him to get on his bike and if you carry on carrying him and his family and apologising and explaining why you need to work...more fool you.
Harsh but true.

Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 10:27:19

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muffinthemoo Sat 09-Feb-19 10:32:28

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Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 10:41:28

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CarlyD7 Sat 09-Feb-19 11:14:42

Lots of good advice already. Just wanted to add - a very wise person I knew once said to me "we teach people how to treat us". So, think about how you want to be treated by them and start teaching them. Good luck.

Lily65 Sat 09-Feb-19 11:17:46

OOps sorry, translator, not an interpreter. An interpreter takes some information or speech and makes of it what they will.

BassGrammy Sat 09-Feb-19 11:18:06

He "got her pregnant" well unless he raped her, it takes two and they need to accept the responsibility of that. The child is theirs, to bring up as they see fit and whilst you can give advice, it's ultimately their choices. However, if you are being expected to care for the baby, it's unreasonable to expect you not to have an opinion. They should have NO expectations of you. Anything you give should be because you want to and be within your means. Difficult as it will be, you all need to sit down and put your cards on the table.

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 11:27:46

On the nutrition side.
360 mls is much less than a pint so how can they cut it down to a pint?
What do you mean by only white foods?
How old is the child?
I think there's unreasonable behaviour on both sides.

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 11:30:41

Sorry anjela I somehow missed your post which made the same point about the quantity of milk.

Pam13 Sat 09-Feb-19 11:38:30

I was under the impression that a British person had to prove a certain level of income to be able to bring a spouse/partner into this country to live. If the son is not working, how is it that the woman is living here?

HurdyGurdy Sat 09-Feb-19 12:32:26

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grandtanteJE65 Sat 09-Feb-19 12:32:47

Yes, in parts of India and even in Greece the boy's parents are expected to buy a house or flat for a couple who marry, but there we are talking of very young adults.

But it doesn't matter what other cultures do. The fact that your son and his wife (?) have moved to the UK might just suggest to cynical old me that her parents had put their foot down too about providing more for what sounds like a grasping and bone idle pair.

Give them as already suggested a couple of months ´notice and then if they are still staying with you demand rent.

Is your son drawing social security, or a job-seeker's allowance? If so he should be paying some of their keep.

Don't be bullied into child-care: you didn't ask them to have the baby. and don't comment upon how they are bringing the child up.

Tell them what your expenses are and that your income just covers them (whether it does or not, it is no business of theirs what you earn). Make it clear that you have given the baby gifts etc that you intend to, and that no more will be forthcoming and stick to that.

caocao Sat 09-Feb-19 12:36:05

Lavazza1st - does that name we are supposed to "wake up and smell the coffee" ?
Some things in the post don't make sense.
Did the son meet his translator while working in Asia or did he walk out on a degree course to go and be with her?
The grandchild is already here and yet the OP says "much as I'd love to be a Granny" ?
And yes there has to be a certain level of income or savings in order to bring a spouse to live here, so are they just on a visitors or student visa?

caocao Sat 09-Feb-19 12:37:55

Sorry should say "does that name MEAN..."

BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 12:57:54

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Annaram1 Sat 09-Feb-19 12:59:16

No doubt in Asia houses, cars. furniture and baby things cost a lot less than they do here. Let them go back there where no doubt somebody will provide them with the luxuries of life while they have endless kids. Lazy scroungers!

Nanny41 Sat 09-Feb-19 13:01:06

What a cheek, they wsould count themselves lucky to be living in your house,and not paying a penny,where she comes from I imagine houses are cheap as they are in Asia but why cant your Son try to get work,any work, and why should YOU give up work to mind the baby,what a couple! Do not be used any more.

Annaram1 Sat 09-Feb-19 13:13:22

By the way, what are white foods?

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 13:17:18

Asia is an enormous continent so how can anyone make such sweeping statements?

Urmstongran Sat 09-Feb-19 13:17:34

Yep, half term here in Trafford area too. ?

mcem Sat 09-Feb-19 13:19:38

Ps that includes op who might have been a bit more specific at the outset!
Distinctly odd!

BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:21:56

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BlueBelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:23:11

Annaram you keep white foods inside white goods in the White House

Tillybelle Sat 09-Feb-19 13:30:57

Lavazza1st. I can't believe it! Of course YANBU! Just because her culture does one thing does not mean your/our culture has to change. That is just manipulative of her! She is living in your culture! You have been very kind and generous! Of course you can't give up your job! Anyway, I deeply suspect that in her culture all families do not buy everything like that as they are trying to tell you! It would mean that all Grandparents would need to be extraordinarily rich, especially if they had several children!! Your son knows this is unreasonable. If they want this kind of free ride then they will just have to go back to her parents! Just tell them that! How on earth do they imagine you could afford all that and give up your job as well? Are they particularly stupid? No, this is manipulation. Stand up for yourself. Give them a time-frame. Three months to find a place to live because they must leave by then. That is a reasonable time in which to become fully responsible for their own family. That might hasten your son's attempts to find employment.

I think they are being very spoilt brats! Sorry to be so blunt, but perhaps it might help if you showed them what another person (me!) thinks of what they are doing to you! After all in her culture, her parents could just as easily turn things round and say she married a different culture so she has to accept their norms about who buys a house for them! In other words it works both ways!

I have to say, your son was very quick to give up his degree to be a father. Many people carry on studying, coping as best they can, knowing that the qualification at the end will offer them a better chance of a bigger income and more stable employment in the long-term.
They are responsible for their situation, they have to deal with it. They are lucky to have a roof over their heads at the moment and everything they needed bought for them. They should not take this for granted.

As for the nutrition of the baby, I do not know how you can alter a mother's regime apart from talking to her. How old is the child? Does she take him to the baby clinic? Maybe they could advise.

They may have got the wrong impression when you set them up so well here, but that was simply you being a very kind Grandmother. I know, I have done a lot of things myself which have been taken for granted, and I suspect they have taken you for granted here.

Hold your ground. Do make sure that they are not the only thing in your life, as well. They are using you and may well turn round and leave if they get a better offer elsewhere. Please make sure you have friends, activities and interests and your job. In other words a full life of your own which gives you satisfaction, especially if they were to depart. It is good for them to see, also, that you have a full life that is not just revolving around them and their demands.

Put yourself first please. Be firm. Never feel guilty about saying no. Regard your home as the Head Office of the Company you own and you are CEO. Let them see you have CEO attitudes in your home - what you say goes! Don't let them start endless arguments or battles. Just keep it simple. State that you do not pay for xxx. / You do not give up your job. /Of course the culture here is different and it is just as good. (not better - no competition - but it is a valid culture and your job and position as a woman is as important as any CEO who is a man in any other culture)./ You have your own needs and rights./ You have the right to be respected. / They must be responsible for themselves and their child like all other parents.
Just use the broken record technique. Don't explain, don't get upset, just repeat the simple honest obvious truth!

Wishing you everything good. Be strong! I feel confident in you! Please let us know.. flowers